Sleepless nights -- Please help

alantigerJanuary 10, 2007

I've been married for 15 years and we had ups and downs just like everyone. Our sex life has been great. Over the last year however, my wife's attitude has been changing towards me. She avoids having sex with me and we go for 4 weeks without it. She keeps saying I am grumpy and not understaninf to her needs etc.. She also tells I need to build the relationship until she feels right and in the mood etc..

I have been wondering what has changed for the last few months. I had my suspicions that she may have someone else at the school she works in.

Few weeks ago I managed to view her mobile bills and found a number she texts on a regular basis sometimes these texts were made at 12:00 at night.

I phoned the number without her knowing and to my shock it was a male teacher (who is married).

When I confronted her she told me she was being supportive to this person who has been suicidal and suffers from depression and she felt she had to help him through his bad batch etc...She denied any affairs and intimate relationship and she apologised for her behaviour and recognised that she needs to put energy into out marriage before helping others.

My question are:

Does it seem like an affair to you? How can I confirm if it is or it isn't?

If I reconciled with her, how can continue my life with her where the doubt is over my head?

I feel so confused

I hope someone shares their views

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amyfiddler

You might find some help by Google-ing the term "emotional affair". Very hard to convince the spouse that they are having one, but you will understand a lot more. The emotional affair is as devestating as a sexual one, and requires the same type of healing process.

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 2:16AM
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popi_gw

You say "If I reconciled with her...", are you separated from your wife ?

She said she should put energy into your marriage, is she doing that, now ?

I can understand when she says "She also tells I need to build the relationship until she feels right and in the mood etc..", this is important to a woman.

Do YOU think she feels loved, secure, appreciated, listened to, attractive to you...all these feelings must be in place for a woman to feel like leaping into bed !

Perhaps if you worked on making her feel special, like making dinner, helping with housework, bunch of flowers, buy her the book that she says she would love to read, take her on a mystery trip in the country, she might feel a lot happier.

If I where you, I would choose to trust her.

I guess if you do want to check out her story, you could ascertain as to whether the man does suffer from depression.

Hope this helps, I am sure others posters will be helpful.

All the best to you.

Popi

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 2:24AM
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coolmama

Women have affairs for different reasons then men. Men do it for obvious physical reasons. Women do it when they feel they ARE LACKING IN THE EMOTIONAL DEPARTMENT.
If you are being "grouchy" and not attending to her emotional needs,it is possible she is getting that through this teacher.
But perhaps it is not an "affair",so much as what amyfiddler said an "emotional affair"
Maybe her and this teacher both are unhappy in their marriages and are talking and connecting in a emotional way. Maybe they havent been physical yet,but it COULD happen.

I also agree with POPI who always seems to have pretty good advice,that you should work on re-connecting with her and making her feel special (flowers and stuff).I also agree women need those things before wanting to be intimate.(Of course for me if my husband does the dishes that's usually enough in my book)

Although...if it were me,I'd probably do some detective work.Like,checking these text messages while she was in bed or something.But,I'm sure everyone else will tell you that's a bad idea. Me personally,I would just HAVE to know what was being said.

I hope things get better for you...

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 4:54AM
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Vickey__MN

I think Amyfiddler hit it on the head...Emotional Affairs are as devistating to a marriage as physical ones (BTDT). A "little" easier to bounce back from because there is no physical part. IF there is no physical part. How do you confirm...There is no "test" to confirm an affair. You either catch the person (you did, so yes there was an EMotional Affair), or they admit it. How do you continue...Marriage counseling. I am talking from experience...survived an emotional affair 20 years ago. It CAN be done, it is not easy, it takes A LOT of work, but it can be done.

Vickey-MN

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 7:39AM
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alantiger

Thank you so much for all your comments and observations. I decided to take a few days away from her just to think clearly. My biggest problem is how can I ascertain if there has been a physical activity. I am happy to work on the emotional side because I think she still have feelings for me (I think). But if there was physical intemacy, I will just call it off. I like the idea of talking to the guy to find out if his problems were real.

Since I confronted her 3 days ago she has been ringing me every night saying how sorry she was and she didn't do anything wrong and she understands my position and so on. BUT I just cann't bear the thought of her being with someone else.

Thank you and I am so impressed with you advice.

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 12:28PM
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Vickey__MN

Here's the issue, you have to trust what is said, if she says nothing physical happened you will have to trust or not trust what she says. No one can give you an answer to this. It all will depend on how deeply you love her and how much the TWO of you want your marriage to work. When we went through this he had a LOT of proving to do, he had to prove he was committed, prove he loved me, and it wasn't by words or deeds, but by how he acted. I don't know how to explain that. If he said he was going to be somewhere, you better believe I checked up for a while. And then sporadically after a while. It wasn't by "Showering me with gifts". So it's hard to explain. He's shown that commitment for the last 20 years. Yes I still have days when I lapse into a distrust for no reason, but then I have to ask myself why. So that part is ME, not him...but that was after A COUPLE OF YEARS that I will say ME, not HIM was the culprit. (No I didn't do anything, just a distrust). DO NOT get even, not worth it, you have to live with yourself. WHy ask the guy, he could lie too, if there is a lie. You see there is only one person you have to either trust, learn to/decide to trust, or completely let go because you decide you cannot trust, and that is your wife.

Vickey-MN

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 3:41PM
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bnicebkind

I think that the others have given you good advice. it depends on what you hope to accomplish, and your own feelings for her. If you love her, and want to continue your marriage, listen to those above, and simply "choose" to trust her, however, I would still insist on marriage counseling because something is obviously "off" if she is texting a male teacher at midnight. That is waaay outside of the bounderies in a marriage. And I think that with a counselor, you will get into what is really going on in her heart, and thoughts.

If you really are determined to find out if there is more to this than she is admitting, I suppose that you could find out where she goes after school is out, and see if what she is telling you is the truth.

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 5:51PM
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popi_gw

I think she has shown remorse for what she has done, she has said she wants to work on the marriage.

Take time to get to the point where you can start to forgive her.

Think of the big picture. Ask yourself if you like being married to her, you like your life, think of the good things about her, the things that make you laugh, is she caring, is she compassionate ? Do you like day-to-day life with her ?

If the answers to those questions is YES, then there is only one thing holding you back from getting back into it. YOU.

    Bookmark   January 10, 2007 at 6:29PM
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alantiger

I am so lucky to have you guys. I don't like sharing my personal problems with my circle of friends and I have been feeling really down as I didn't have anyone to confide in.

Your advice is rational and practical I have arranged to see her on Saturday to discuss things.

Our relationship over the past year has been a somehat detached and I never knew why. I can now relate her attitude to her behaviour. I am not perfect, I know I need to improve if I want things to work. It takes 2 to dance. However, will I be able to leave this behind and live with her just as normal. Or will it always daunt me and hover over my head? The way I look at it sometimes, if I proceed with the divorce, I will suffer for months and months because I still have feelings for her. But I will be able to find (hopefully) someone who really cares about me.

Anyway, I am sure you have more important things to do tha worry about this..

Thank you so much for your support

    Bookmark   January 11, 2007 at 1:09AM
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marge727

Do you have children? Because if so, thats a lot to lose if you decide on divorce.
Women teachers or nurses tend to be somewhat caretaking and could really get involved "helping" someone. So before you jump to your conclusions consider that she may have gotten involved but not physically. You know her better than anyone. I would be willing to bet she wasn't wild and the life of the party when you were dating. She is still the same person.
Counseling might help both of you get close again. Think about what you want--and consider that there might be something that she would like from the relationship.
You have been married 15 years you are going to suffer more than a few months. A second marriage has a higher rate of divorce in your age group, and you might find somebody who really cares about you--but can drive you nutty in a thousand ways.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2007 at 2:56AM
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Vickey__MN

One other piece of advice I would give right now (and all is based on emotional affair from the BTDT stand), is do NOT jump to any permanent decisions for a good 6 months and without counseling. THEN make permanent decisions like divorce or seperation.

Good Luck, remember you CAN get through this if you want, or it can be your signal that this was only the beginning of the end of your marriage, in which case, I am truely sorry.

Vickey-MN

    Bookmark   January 11, 2007 at 6:56AM
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bnicebkind

If you two have children...slow waayyy down and try and rebuild your marriage. Just read the step parent forum and you will see the how painful this can be for your children. it seems in re-marriage, that you may solve one problem, but many new ones crop up that you never dreamed of. These new wives often seem to want his children out of the picture...and it does not resolve itself even when the kids are adults. So if you have children, fight for your marriage!!!! Do what ever you can to keep this marriage alive for your children, and for the sake of your family. Talk to her. Have her read the step parent forum, and the pain it can create in the lives of kids. And pull together, and create something wonderful together. Many couples have been where you two are, and they turned things around and went the distance.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 11:45AM
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sohurt

Been there, dealing with that. Hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My husband maintains that there was no physical intimacy. He also denies an emotional affair but I think that is just ridiculous. Clearly there was something going on-- yes, I have proof of phone calls and a blatant pursuit of him by her. I could kill her. I wanted to ask her about it, too, but many people have reminded me that that will not help my situation. The hardest thing you will have to do, and what I am still working on, is that until you catch them in the act or have enough evidence that there is no doubt there WAS an affair, you have to try to believe there was not one, if you want to move forward and salvage your relationship. We have kids, which is why I am trying to put my worries and obsessive thoughts into what is going wrong in our marriage that would cause my husband (in your case, your wife) to look to someone else for companionship. No matter what was going on between the two of you, it does not justify looking outside the marriage for anything else. What she did was wrong. You are justified in feeling hurt. Hang in there and if the two of you are willing to go to counselling together, I recommend it. A word of advice about that, though: Despite your hurt and anger, give her time to explain WHY she did what she did, and let her do it without a rush to judgement from you. You will need to offer an environment where she feels it is safe to complain about you in her explanation of what she did. If your situation is anything like mine, your wife will probably blame you for her actions. It is not fair, it is hard to hear, but I have found that allowing your spouse to voice her frustrations will make her feel more willing to give the information that you are trying to find out from her. I completely understand what you are going through. It sucks!! My thoughts are with you!

    Bookmark   January 24, 2007 at 10:07PM
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cherylmartel

Sex is FAR from everything. Sex, for a woman especially an emotional woman who feels things in her heart, is only good and meaningful if she is being emotionally supported by her husband. Dirty looks, put downs, not wanting to talk about the relationship - will keep sex out of the marriage completely BELIEVE ME. Spiritual and emotional encouragement and understanding are essential in a long-term relationship and if you are just interested in the sexual part, you will sorely lose. BELIEVE ME.

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 11:37PM
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