Feeling sad...I waundered over to the step family forum

bnicebkindJanuary 25, 2006

For those on the marriage forum, have you visited the step family forum lately? It is heartbreaking to read about how these new wives are treating the children from their husbands previous marriage. So love your spouse and protect your marriage. Because it is our children who will suffer, if our marriages fail and our spouse remarries.

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rosewood42

I thank God I didn't have to deal with that as I recently remarried. I don't have any kids living at home and never does my husband so it worked out perfectly. He does have a daughter that is turning 17 soon that had some issues with her mom and out of anger thinking her dad would let her get away with more than mom asked if she could move with him. I'm glad he handled the situation and told her to stay with her mom and work things out. This is our time to shine and I'm not going back to the raising kids stage and teenagers can't be reraised especially if they are not yours.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2006 at 1:42AM
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dogdogcrazy

Though it is sad, a lot of this is brought on by the children, not the sm. As a stepchild, who is a stepmom, I can tell you that I broke my back bending over to please my SD20, but nothing I did was good enough. She continued to be rude to me, lie to me and about me, and act like a spoiled and ungrateful little brat. After 5 years, I finally had to detach from her, as I was always getting my feelings hurt.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2007 at 5:09PM
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kkny

As a divorced mother, I think a lot of problems are brought on by second wives who want every $$$ for them, and would just as glad to see stepchildren disappear off the face of the earth.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2007 at 11:39AM
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coolmama

A very bad generalization there KKNY.And Benicebekind,what's with you giving a pep talk over in Stepfamily but here you are saying it makes you sad???

    Bookmark   May 17, 2007 at 4:21PM
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kkny

No more a generalization than

"a lot of this is brought on by the children, not the sm"

by dogdogcrazy

    Bookmark   May 18, 2007 at 4:25PM
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vivian31

One look at the Stepfamily forum should make anyone considering entering into a "step" situation turn tail and run like hell.

....and more and more I agree.

If I had children of my own I would never have married again. Even with as much as I love my stepkids. And we have a GOOD stepfamily situation.

I agree. It's very sad over there.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2007 at 6:13AM
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bnicebkind

coolmama...the pep talk is to encourage the women who are doing the best they can to raise his children into healthy adults. To the women who are trying so hard, and find so little appreciation for all they do to try and make it work in spite of it all. The sadness is the stepmothers who openly write about how much they "HATE" their step children. And if they "HATE" their stepchildren, I think it is so sad for children to be raised in a situation where they are hated.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2007 at 7:35PM
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phoenics

That forum made me sad too - and the stepmoms over there seem to think the forum is all about them? I thought it was the stepFAMILY forum - which means that stepchildren, stepparents AND bio-parents should probably all post there.

I guess the place has turned into a 'shelter' so to speak for stepmoms... that's kind of sad in of itself.

I hope I never end up in that situation though...

    Bookmark   May 21, 2007 at 8:12PM
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ceph

I'm not married; I don't participate this forum. I just feel compelled to point out that very few SMs on the SF forum write openly about how much they hate their SKs.
There are often voices of frustration, stress or anxiety and occasionally of dislike... But when you read the rest of what most posters have to say, they're usually trying to work it out, want to not be frustrated, or are trying to like their SC more. Even the most troubling post of late (the woman who has the 11yo SS who she thinks is a bad role model) is someone looking to make things better, she's just having a LOT of trouble with it and needs to do some growing up herself.

After a quick look the marriage forum, I see plenty of posts about trouble that people are trying to work through. At present these posts include porn, potential infidelity, disrespect, sexual dysfunction, potential separation, and, my favourite, wanting to use his mother as a marriage counselor. But this shouldn't make anyone want to run away from marriage, because these are stories of people trying (for the most part) to deal with their troubles and make their lives better for everyone involved.
You likely wouldn't want a single person saying that marriage is bad because they saw that many people on this board face obstacles. So, please try to remember that stepfamilies have unique challenges with unique solutions and that it's important that there is a space for people (mostly SMs, but some SDs and SKs) to talk about them without criticism from outsiders.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2007 at 4:52PM
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mom2emall

I have been on the stepfamily website for quite some time now. It is a place for stepfamilies to come and vent their frustrations and seek advice. There are times when sm's post about their dh, skids, or the bm in their situation. They get irriatated at situations and use to forum to let out that frustration and look for answers. I do not often see posts where SM's say they HATE their skids.

I go to the forum to get advice, vent, and just to talk to other sm's in my situation. I am a sm who raises 3 skids full-time while their mom has minimal contact. Can the situation be difficult? You bet! Do I love my skids? Absolutely! Do I treat my skids equal to my biochild? Definately! If I could do it all over again would I have married my dh? For sure!

Hope that eases the sadness some of you are expressing!

    Bookmark   December 28, 2007 at 12:14PM
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colleen777

Ya, it is almost never that stepmom's say they hate their stepchildren, and in those few instances where it has been said for the most part you can be guaranteed those feelings arise from another source of anxiety.

But NOT according to KKNY because she thinks wife is after all the money and that happens even when you earn more money than your husband. As I have said before I hope you get the chance to have adult stepchildren in your life KKNY. It will really open up your eyes, and remember this adult stepchildren can be extremely nasty and manipulative.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2007 at 3:20PM
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june0000

Amen, Colleen!

    Bookmark   December 30, 2007 at 12:30AM
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true_panacea

Ceph's post hit the nail on the head. I am a stepmother, who is trying to find a solution. Parenting was always a natural thing for me. I have a great relationship with my kids and we had a well organized home, a great deal of mutual respect, and in general had a lot of good times together. Parenting was always something I felt "good" at. I never anticipated the stress and strain bringing two little innocent girls into the mix would add. Never in my wildest dreams would I have figured how very different it is when you don't have them from day one but rather when you are stepping in to the middle of a work in progress that is in no way similar to work you would have done. Just like Math...If you don't know whole numbers...you cannot calculate the area of a rectangle. Same with kids. If there are basic foundational bits missing...it is so very challenging to try to play "catch-up". It is not about anger...or hate...it is a frustrating position to be put in. I still put the pressure on myself to turn good people out into this world...but with these two...there is little I can do. Maddening. Just like you, I look for a safe place to vent and get ideas to improve the situation. I love my husband and my family including my step kids. Just recognize serious areas for needed improvement.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2008 at 8:23PM
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jenandfamily_gmail_com

I put stepfamilies into my search engine and was curious when I saw a forum for stepfamilies. Imagine my great disappointment when I find this posting first.

I am a motivated woman who wants to bring up my children in a Godly, loving home. My first marriage ended because my ex (who had a PhD btw) embroiled himself in illegal activity, and also cheated on me for my entire marriage- with the Best Man. I am not making this stuff up.

I am a survivor. I do not need another man's money and I love my stepchildren like they are my own flesh an blood. And to hear people insult stepmothers, many of whom are innocents like myself who were just dealt a bad hand, is just plain disgusting. Shame on you.

I will not be returning to this website. Ever.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2011 at 5:23PM
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silversword

Bnice, you have a good point. It's far better for everyone, especially the children, if a marriage is able to be worked out, cherished, stable, happy...

But "the SM's" over at Stepfamily forum don't all treat their Skids badly. That's a gross generalization.

Ceph, Mom2, Colleen... you said it.

Jen, there are a lot of really nice women over in that forum. I hope you take a second peek.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2011 at 6:36PM
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