Help

honey_2010January 13, 2010

Im a newly wed Its been 9 months to be exact, My husband makes me feel bad by not only not being affectionate but also rejecting me at times when

Im trying to hug him or touch him by saying its too hot or give me some privacy, I tried to be patient but its bothering me alot, he makes me feel like Im a vey needy person, Only when he is in the mood he is happy to receive love but I feel like Im the only one who is always initiating! Im very frustrated I cant even talk to him about it cuz every time I try to say something he stops me by saying here we go what are you gonna nag about now? I think I need help cuz Im going crazy

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colleenoz

Was he like this before you married? If so, why the he// did you marry him?
I think you need to talk to a counsellor to sort out how YOU feel about your marriage. Then if you decide things need to change because you can't take it if they continue as they are now (and I don't blame you at all if you do, it's what I would do) then you need to convey this message calmly to your husband. If he's unwilling to change then perhaps you would both be happier if you went your separate ways. In the meantime DO NOT get pregnant. You don't want children to complicate this.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2010 at 12:23PM
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asolo

Ditto colleenoz. Sort it out now. Don't wait. Don't get pregnant.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2010 at 3:04PM
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honey_2010

Thanks for ur posts guys! We never lived together before marriage we just used to spend the whole weekends together and went to a couple of trips he wasnt like this at all and when I told him why he changed he said he hasnt and cuz we only used to see each other on the weekends and we werent in each other's face 24h! To be honest I think maybe its my fault Iam hard work, he is a good man I do like him alot maybe its just his character he is not Lovey dobby he just want his space and he doesnt like to show affection! Last time I talked to him he said I give him too much love and I should just wait for him to feel like he needs it and then he will give me some and he will initiate but Im not a patient person at all and I also think I need more than that! I wish I could talk to a councellor but I cant

    Bookmark   January 13, 2010 at 8:55PM
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popi_gw

I think you are quite normal, and justified in being concerned about your situation.

If you are unhappy it should be a concern of your husband. Read up on using positive language when you bring up your concerns. Like saying "I"...unhappy, sad, .... Try not to accuse him of being the cause of your unhappiness.

Counselling would help you both, seek out a good counsellor to help your through this time.

Was he like this before you got married ? What is his family like, are they affectionate ?

No babies, please !

    Bookmark   January 13, 2010 at 8:56PM
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asolo

"I wish I could talk to a councellor but I cant"

Why not?

    Bookmark   January 14, 2010 at 12:48PM
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oilpainter

What I'm going to say may sound impossible, but I'll say it anyway--

The first thing that hit me when I read your post is--This is a gay guy trying to be straight. You come across as timid and not wanting to make waves and maybe that's why he chose you. He shuts you up by accusing you of nagging and that puts the fault on you not him. What YOU HAVE to do is make waves or else resign yourself to this lifestyle.

Tell him you are unhappy with your life style. Ask him point blank if he is gay and if he isn't why does he push you away. Insist on going to a marriage counsilor.

I know you don't want to break up your marriage but isn't it better to know now than 10 years down the road with a couple of kids to raise on your own. Sitting around and doing nothing will get you more of the same and a miserable life.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2010 at 1:11PM
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honey_2010

No way he is definitely not gay I am sure of it, its just I think maybe he is not used to it! I cant talk to a councillor cuz he thinks I should be able to solve my own problems and deal with them and he also thinks there are so many big problems in life and this is not as important and he cant understand what Im stressing about so much and sometimes he says that Iam a sook! on top of all these cant really afford it at the moment!

    Bookmark   January 14, 2010 at 10:37PM
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colleenoz

>>I cant talk to a councillor cuz he thinks I should be able to solve my own problems and deal with them and he also thinks there are so many big problems in life and this is not as important and he cant understand what Im stressing about so much and sometimes he says that Iam a sook! Frankly if that's his attitude then I'd say he is a controlling a$$h)le! Sometimes a problem is so overwhelming it's impossible to see a resolution from the inside. Sometimes you need someone who's outside the problem to step back and look at it dispassionately for ways to solve it. Let's face it, you're unlikely to convince yourself while you're so upset, that your problem is minor, but if a counsellor who had no stake in your marriage said, Hey, in the grand scheme of things this is no biggie (NOT that I think this is what they would say), you would be more receptive to the idea.
If my daughter came to me with this story I'd be
a) paying for her counselling and
b) letting her know that disentangling herself from such an uncaring lout would be no shame and preferable before she started a family. If your feelings matter so little to him in the newness of marriage, it's not going to improve any once the glow wears off.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2010 at 12:42AM
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popi_gw

You really need someone to talk to who is objective. They will give you suggestions that you can relate to.

What your DH is saying is not fair and shows an uncaring attitude.

Please talk to a sibling, parent, or trusted person, friend. Seek help, if you do not know what to do. This is a fair and reasonable thing to do in your situation.

Your marriage is in jeopardy ....better communication will help you find some happiness in the future.

All the best.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2010 at 2:45AM
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asolo

"I cant talk to a councillor cuz he thinks I should be able to solve my own problems and deal with them and he also thinks there are so many big problems in life and this is not as important and he cant understand what Im stressing about so much and sometimes he says that Iam a sook!"

I don't know what a "sook" is but assume it's not a compliment. You've got yourself a real jerk there sweetheart. Find out pronto if this is fixable or not. If this is the response you're getting and it is not mistaken or amenable to change, you need to get out of there. This may not be a solvable problem.

"... on top of all these cant really afford it at the moment!"

Oh...but you can afford a sucky life for how long? Don't wait on this. If you've described things accurately there may be nothing to do but chalk it up and leave. After nine months of experience with this, I certainly wouldn't be waiting and hoping for something other. This is what you've got. This is how it's going to be.

I'll bet leaving will be a money problem, too, but some action is clearly called for. Otherwise, this will be your life.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2010 at 9:02AM
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scarlett2001

People, especially those in first marriages, sometimes need a lot of time to adjust to living with, sleeping with and being close to another person. If he has been living alone for some time or comes from a family that is not too touchy-feely, your displays of affection are probably strange to him. It may be a bigger problem or it may just be a matter of finding a middle ground in which you are both comfortable.

    Bookmark   January 15, 2010 at 9:08PM
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marge727

I agree with Scarlett.
When I want to read or have a report to do my husband understands. Likewise when he has something to do that requires concentration I try to be really cooperative.
Everybody has their own level of closeness, and their own ability to keep themselves occupied and happy. Some people like to read,or watch t.v.,check their Email, make quilts, cook or plan stuff by themselves uninterrupted. Other people cannot sit still for two minutes without being noticed and entertained by another person. Counseling isn't going to change that.
I'm not necessarily saying that's you--but its a thought to consider. You may have a difference in age or education that factors into it.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2010 at 6:54PM
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colleenoz

>>I cant even talk to him about it cuz every time I try to say something he stops me by saying here we go what are you gonna nag about now?>>I cant talk to a councillor cuz he thinks I should be able to solve my own problems and deal with them and he also thinks there are so many big problems in life and this is not as important and he cant understand what Im stressing about so much and sometimes he says that Iam a sook! That's not adjustment issues, that's sheer nastiness on the part of the OP's husband. If it were a "settling in" thing, and being so newly married, DH would express his need for "alone time" in a less confrontational way.
Sorry, Honey, I really think you got a lemon here.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2010 at 8:59PM
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honey_2010

Well Its very complicated what I described doesnÂt happen all the time its not happening every day sometimes everything is great and when it happens I cant talk to my family they are very far away and I donÂt want to make them worried and also If I tell them they will start to hate him and what if we could overcome this but they would never be able to forgive him? I definitely donÂt want that to happen! I kinda agree with those people who said itÂs just that he is not used to it! It is strange for him to get so much love and attention from someone but for me its hard cuz he is not giving me the same amount of attention or anywhere near what I give him I used to get that from my family now IÂm getting a fraction of that! and he thinks I should be happy with what Im getting and dont be greedy! maybe he is right I just have to find a way to deal with it

    Bookmark   January 18, 2010 at 10:16PM
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