For Emeraldisle

mboston_gwAugust 18, 2014

First, I am not expecting you to reply to this - just wanted to let you know I am still thinking of you and your hubs. I know many of us still are here. It's hard to know how often to touch bases with you but don't want you to think we have forgotten.

So, take a deep breath and be prepared for a big hug.

Again, no need to respond if you don't feel like it.


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Good idea Mary, I also add my best wishes to you Emerald and I hope you are feeling a little better, we are there for you .

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 4:14PM
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I've been thinking about you, too, and wondering how you and DH are doing. Hugs!

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 4:24PM
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Add my caring thoughts to the list of your GW friends.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 4:41PM
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I think of you often, emerald, and am hoping seeing everyone's caring thoughts helps you feel a little better.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 5:20PM
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Thinking of you too, hoping things are getting easier...

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 5:24PM
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Me, too. Hoping that day by day the sun is shining a bit more for you.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 6:58PM
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cyn427 (zone 7)

Looks like we have all been thinking of you so often and wishing you well. I hope you are surrounded by gentle, loving family and friends.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 8:54PM
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Same here, emerald. Also think of you often and hope you and DH are doing ok and finding more smiles these days.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 9:50PM
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emerald, don't be too worried if you don't feel even the slightest bit better only one month since your loss. Not even grief therapists can put a time line on how long the "I just feel dead inside" feelings might linger. The most important thing right now is to make sure you keep the flow of communication with your husband going, even if it sometimes is just holding each other. We're always here for extra support, if and when you need it.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 9:56PM
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...surrounded by strangers, too. Best wishes to you.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2014 at 11:39PM
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You're in my thoughts and I hope you are coping with the loss. Take all the time you need.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 8:57AM
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Thank you, mboston and all of you ladies for your messages. I can't thank you all enough. I know I always write that but it's the truth.

I can't put into words how I feel right now. I have some days that are worse than others and my heart is heavy. I have dreams I'm still pregnant or already had the baby and then I wake up to live this nightmare all over again.

Last week, I found out 2 people I know are pregnant and due the same time I was. One is a boy and the other a girl. No one wanted to tell me as they knew my struggle (and didnt know we were pregnant and/or lost our baby). I appreciate people trying to shelter my feelings but on the other hand, everyone must think I'm so fragile to not tell me. I want to celebrate their babies even if I'm missing my own. I will admit I cried my eyes out afterwards though.

I had a real pity party for myself the last few weeks and put on more pounds. I went to my nutritionist yesterday, faced the scale and am back on track (I hope). If we are going to try again, I have to get these pounds off. And regardless, I have to get the pounds off to keep my cancer in check.

I still haven't told my mother. We haven't been close in a long time and things were stressful when my dad passed away in the spring. I guess she will find out by December. I just don't have the courage to call her and admit defeat. All of my cousins are fertile myrtles and gave her plenty of great-nieces and great-nephews she dotes on. I'm the only one with fertility issues so I think she always must have thought I "got it" from my dad's side as her sibling's children reproduced 2-3-4 babies each. But what can I do? I have tried and tried and can't get this right. If she only knew how hard this is.

I wrote way more than I expected to. You ladies have a wonderful way in getting me to talk. :) I really try not to post too much. I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh bringing my sad self to dwell on my sorrow. It's been a long month to say the least. Somehow my DH & I have tried to keep ourselves together even if its just pretending sometimes. He's taken off a lot of work to be with me but work is so busy for him right now. I feel like he's been pulled in so many directions.

I have a doctors appointment next week and hopefully we get some kind of cause/reason for all of this. Everything I read online pretty much says not to get my hopes up for a concrete cause. I'm so tired from just waiting all the time. I wish my brain had an off switch sometimes.

I was so happy to see this post. It brought me to tears but that's not hard lately. Thank you again. I feel so very blessed to have you all.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 9:13AM
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You sound "better", if that's possible to detect through this media.

Just going through daily life, it will sometimes seem that all you see are pregnant women or babies. You can be happy for others and still feel your loss. that's normal, too.

As far as your telling your Mom, maybe you could just sit down and write her an old fashioned letter. You express yourself beautifully in words and then it might lessen the initial tension for the time you do speak with her in person or on the phone. Plus, it would give her an opportunity to read it more than once. You can even ask her to not contact you, that you will be in touch again 'soon". Just a thought since it is obvious to us that we can feel your emotions through your writing.

Again - do not feel obligated to response to this. Just keep watching for our messages to you.


    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 12:09PM
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I'm glad you're thinking of trying again. Next time try PGD - you will probably never know what happened this time, but as long as you're doing IVF I really think it's worth doing the PGD to make sure you're transferring a normal embie.

And try to pamper yourself now - do anything (except stress eat) that makes you feel better. After my 2nd mc, I bought myself a pink rose every week - just 1. Kind of a memorial but also just a little something to brighten up the house.

I know it's hard when others around you are due the same time you were - my SIL was due just 2 months before I was, it was very hard hearing about the baby and I was afraid to see her. They live 1000 miles away but came to visit and I didn't want to hold the baby. It gets easier - esp. after you do have a(nother) child. Just keep going to the grief counselor, and try to concentrate on 1) getting healthy and 2) trying again if/when dr says it's OK.


    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 6:26PM
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emeraldisle, please know I'm thinking of you and praying for your healing both physically and mentally. It's a very long process that is never really completely over.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 7:38PM
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Sorry for getting personal, but how about a surrogate?

    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 8:12PM
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Glad to hear you and your hubby are coping together, although it's obviously very difficult. I guess you'll have to consider which time period would be less stressful for you to have that conversation with your mother. If you delay telling her for a few months, you'll have more time to recover from the initial raw pain before you have to talk about it with her.

But if you do it sooner, she'll have time to absorb everything before you arrive for a holiday visit, if one is planned. Also, it might be really hard on you to be discussing it with her right near the time when you would have had your baby.

Whenever you decide to confide in your mother, just remember you aren't letting her down, so don't apologize for any 'defeat.' Your cousins having no problems getting pregnant is in no way any bad reflection on you. I think your mother will understand that for someone who wants a child so badly, like love, it's better to have tried and lost, than to have never tried at all. And you could very well have children in your future, once you're ready to think about all your options.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2014 at 9:28PM
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Emerald, please don't let this stop you from trying! It's only human to have negative thoughts when something like this happens, so please keep that in mind. Being a mother w/adult children, I would never think badly if any of them were in you circumstances, and I don't think for a minute your mother has any ill feelings. She loves you, with OR without children, please know that. She also knows how badly *you* want a baby, and it's for your happiness, not necessarily her's. God bless your little heart, and DH also. Stay in faith.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2014 at 2:42AM
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Ohh, Emerald! I don't know where to begin. No one can tell you what to think or feel-- certainly, we don't even have control over our own emotions ourselves!

I just wish, though, that I could take away that feeling of "defeat" you have, especially in regard to your mom. I wish, instead, that you would allow yourself to be selfish, that you allow yourself to be concerned with only, only, only yourself and your husband.

Can you do that? Can you give yourself permission to say, "This time, it's about me. About my grief and the loss of our child." Care for yourself and let others care for you. Caring for yourself isn't worrying about letting people down, criticizing yourself, or pouring energy into anything other than you and your husband, but maybe more just you when you need it.

Life isn't fair. If it were, you wouldn't have had cancer. You wouldn't have lost a child. Those things are really, terribly, ridiculously unfair and out of your control. That is what they are, and that's all they are.

Dwelling on sorrow is good. Allow it in; sit with your sorrow and let it guide you.

I am thinking about you.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2014 at 4:19AM
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Em, I think about you all the time and wonder how you are. You may not agree with me, but I think you should go ahead and tell your Mother. I think it is weighing on you and I think you might feel better getting that task out of the way so you can continue to heal better. Please don't give up and strive to meet your goals. I have a feeling things are going to turn out great for you and your DH. I am keeping you close to my heart!!!

    Bookmark   August 20, 2014 at 6:25PM
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I am so so sorry to read your previous thread, I am late to the conversation. My heart goes out to you. There are just no words that can do a situation like this any justice, so I will send you (((hugs))).

    Bookmark   August 20, 2014 at 8:04PM
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Em - add my hugs to this list. The good news is: that you come to this site now and then, and have discovered that you are in our hearts and prayers for your well-being. You express yourself so beautifully.....we can 'feel' your emotions thru the 'net'. Give it some thought to unburden yourself earlier rather than later to your mom. It might be weighing you down. There will be so much emotion as the holidays approach - as there always is - but now with two friends due AND having to discuss things with your mom.....that's a heavy load. Only you know (and your hubby) when the time will be right, but one less 'load' could help YOU. And YOU are who we are concerned about. ~ Just know that we are all here for you and you haven't let any of us down.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2014 at 11:03AM
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Your messages always make me want to cry, both happy and sad tears. (( hugs ))

I will admit I do feel better about things but honestly, it's the anti-anxiety medicine I'm on. I think my doctor was afraid I'd have a mental breakdown (and as much as I hate to take anything, I was nervous too). They don't necessarily make me happy but they take the edge off (if that makes any sense). I don't feel like myself on them but I'm ok not feeling like myself for the time-being.

I wish you all lived near me, I feel closer to all of you than people in my "real" life.

I just remembered I will see my mom at a cousin's wedding next month. Of course I would never say anything to take away from my cousin's big day and my mom would see that I'm obviously not pregnant anymore. Maybe that will break the ice if I don't talk to her before then. I was thinking too that she must see my mother-in-law at church once in a while (they live in the same town) and she might already know. My DH told his parents during a phone call and I told my sister-in-law (and brother) via text.

As far as a surrogate and/or adoption, I'm not there yet. I'm still on borrowed time and not sure my oncologist will even let me do another round. The hormones I'm pumped with during IVF aren't necessarily good for my cancer but it's a weighted chance I was willing to take. None of my embryos survived to try a frozen cycle so it will be a whole new cycle again from scratch. The fertility meds are no picnic. In the last year I think I've had over 300 shots between bloodwork, stimulating meds, progesterone, etc. And I used to almost pass out from just a butterfly needle to do simple blood tests! As much as I've come so far in trying to be brave, the thought of doing another cycle scares me physically and in my heart.

I'm just not getting any younger and I have to be in optimal physical shape if I'm to plead my case to my doctors. It's not like I have years to make this all happen. Also, I told DH that I'm only preparing to MAYBE try again. I honestly don't know if I can take the heartache of a loss or negative test again. People keep telling me I will know when I can't take anymore, I hope that is true. I was so nervous this whole time, what will I be like next time? I read an article online this morning called "Family of 2" about a woman who couldn't take anymore with her fertility treatments and miscarriage. She and her husband are now a family of 2 with about 20 nieces and nephews and they somehow found peace with themselves. I want that peace in my heart so badly.

I forgot I signed up for a whole bunch of newsletters/free samples/coupons at my OB appointment back in June. Guess what arrived yesterday? A box with registry info from Target, coupons from Enfamil, a sample of a baby magazine, etc. Now I have to figure out how to unsubscribe. I got rid of it before my DH got home. I don't want him to constantly be reminded about all of this even though I know it's on his mind. This is all just so hard. I packed up my few maternity clothes and hid them in my closet. It's all just surreal still.

I read your messages over and over, thank you all so much for posting to me with your kind heartfelt messages. I know I tend to ramble here once I get started so thank you for being patient with my long-winded messages. I'm worse in real life. :)

    Bookmark   August 21, 2014 at 12:35PM
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I have been thinking about this since you posted and I am going to maybe overstep my bounds and offer some advice. You mentioned that you are going to a cousin's wedding next month. I am not sure if any of the other attendees may have heard of your pregnancy besides your Mother, but if so, that may be a difficult time for you to answer questions to anyone about your situation. I am not suggesting you not go - you should if you wish, but telling your Mom beforehand may be helpful to you in the long run. Less stress than a face to face and the shock to her if she doesn't already know, plus if others don't know about the loss, she may be helpful in handling that situation as well. I know you say she didn't really support all the interventions that you did, but if prepared, she may come through for you.

The other option is to pick someone whom you do feel comfortable with and tell them what's being happening. That person can maybe help you navigate the questions if they come up. Now, if no one else knew you were pregnant, then you would only have your Mom to deal with. Still I think that is bit of a shock for her to learn face to face at a family event.

Just my opinion and you can take it for what's it worth. Just thinking about how stressed you will be that day if she hasn't been told ahead of time.

Take care and no need to answer me at this time.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2014 at 1:11PM
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