I just received some very sad news......

organic_donnaDecember 30, 2006

My ex husband, whom I am very close to, just had a terrible loss in his family. His nephew and namesake was killed last night. He was driving his car and a large metal ball fell off the truck in front of him and went through his windsheild killing him instantly. He was 30 years old. He had a beautiful life ahead of him.

jilliepie posted "life on the train" but not many of you responded. Please watch the video, it is so insightful.

We never know when our train ride is up, we need to treat each other like it's our last day on earth because one day that will be true.

peace,

Donna

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abfab

organic_donna,

I'm so, so, sorry for your former husband and his loss. What a terrible thing. Every human life contains the seeds of a thousand blessings, and the loss of any human life is a terrible loss for the world and for their family. I agree with you wholeheartedly: "we need to treat each other like its our last day on earth because one day that will be true."

abfab

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 10:12AM
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organic_donna

Thank you abfab, I feel so bad for him...

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 10:37AM
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organic_donna

This is his website, he owned a Yoga school.
Donna

Here is a link that might be useful: Sean's website

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 10:48AM
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abfab

Wow, what an incredible young man he must have been. It isn't given to everyone to live as fully as he seems to have lived. My husband has twin sisters who, at 44, really struggle to function at all. My own cousins have led lives of extreme suffering and, essentially, never left home at all. Sean's life was too, too, short but he looks like he made every second count and enjoyed it, too. That is such a double edged sword for his family. The loss of such an incredible person, with so much ahead of him, is really hard to fathom.

Organic_donna, your post, like my niece's death three years ago, reminds me again of how precious every moment is. And not just the cute ones, or the happy ones, but the washing dishes ones, the changing diaper ones (I loved changing diapers, actually). My husband is out getting my car inspected before I get a ticket for missing the date. A pointless, trivial, everyday task but the task of the moment. I'm going to give him another huge kiss for that, and for everything and nothing, when he gets back in.

my thoughts are with you and Sean's family.

abfab

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 11:00AM
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organic_donna

Thank you for the kind words abfab,
He was a truly special person. He had such a happy life ahead. He was the kind of person that gives more than he takes. I told my ex husband exactly what you said about his death. Many people have not had the kind of impact he has had in his short life. He was happy until the moment he died. Not everyone can say that. I hope that there is an afterlife his soul is too beautiful to not return.
Be grateful for the people you love, yes give your husband an extra hug. You are a very special person abfab.
Donna

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 11:09AM
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jillypie

Oh Donna, I am so sorry for the loss of such a beautiful liife. It goes back to what I said before, the pain of loss is the price we pay for having enjoyed these companions.
By the way, I am surprised so few people have commented on "Life" Oh well, too bad for them. I have sent it to people I know will appreciate it, especially this time of year.
Again, I am sorry for the terrible loss especially in such a shocking manner.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 11:56AM
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organic_donna

Thank you jilliepie,
I think my New Year's resolution will be to live in his spirit. I would like to be the kind of person that he was.
Donna

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 12:28PM
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caflowerluver

Donna - I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a wonderful young man and led such a good life. So many people squander the gift of life.

Reading about him and what people said made me think of this quote. Rev. Dr. John Donne's Meditations. "No man is an island, entirely of itself. Every man is a part of the continent, a piece of the main: if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less; as an isthmus were, as a promontory were, any mans death deminishes me, for I am involved in mankind. And therefore, never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

We touch people's lives everyday and sometimes we don't realize just what a profound effect we may have. So we should be careful in how we treat each other, because you never know the ripples it may cause.

Take care.
Clare

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 2:44PM
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trailrunnerbiker

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you and your ex-husband's family are sharing. It is never easy to understand why these things happen. I am sure he would be delighted that he has reached out in this way to others now ,even though he is gone. All the lives he touched will continue to think of him each time they do their yoga . He gave a wonderful gift. Caroline

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 5:04PM
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jillypie

caroline, what a beautiful thing to say about Sean touching people after he was gone.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 5:43PM
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honeyb2

Donna - I am so sorry to hear of your family's loss. You and Sean will be in my thoughts.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 5:46PM
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acoreana

I'm so sorry, Donna. Another young life taken so unexpectedly.

Your description of him sounds so much like my Sister's late husband.

My deepest sympathies,

Nat

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 7:44PM
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organic_donna

Thank you all for your kind words,
I just returned from a yoga class. I thought of him the entire time. I hope that he had some idea of the impact he had on the world. I feel especially sorry for his parents. No parent should ever have to bury a child. This is a terrible loss for his family. I hope they can someday find peace again.
Donna

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 8:41PM
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paulines

Donna,
Please accept my heartfelt sympathies and condolences. It hurts my heart thinking of the pain of his poor parents and loved ones. I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 8:54PM
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organic_donna

Thank you paulines for your kind words,
This may sound like a cop-out to many of you, but this tradedy is the very reason I never had children. I felt that I couldn't take the risk. I realize now, that I'm older that the risk is just a part of life. I let my fear of loss stop me from having the joy of a child. That's why his death is so difficult for me. I feel so much sadness for his parents. I know now that having him for 30 years was a gift.
Donna

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 10:07PM
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cupofkindness

Donna:

I treasure your last post. One of the reasons I adore the move "The Christmas Carol" is because of it's beautiful lesson that every moment is a gift and the idea that it is never too late to expect great things in life. Such a message of hope! Your family is in my prayers during this painful time. God bless all of you.

~Cupofkindness

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 10:48PM
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mindstorm

Oh my god, Donna. I'm so sorry for your news and for this loss for your ex-husband's family. My condolences - I just don't have the words to properly express how sorry I am for his family... what a terrible void to have to fill. And what an unfortunate accident! How can a "metal ball fall out of a truck" - what sort of metal ball? It isn't important but what a frightfully imaginable way to die?

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 12:06AM
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kitchenstumpt2

Oh Donna, I just saw your post. Please let me extend my heartfelt sympathy. I'm saddened, because you're sad. I wish I had more comforting abilities just now. It is such a difficult and heartbreaking tragedy for his parents and family. I took a peek at the site and he was quite remarkable. I understand your thoughts on having a child, I really do. I don't sleep well knowing that my sons are out. I just want you to know that your ex's nephew truly was a gift to his parents. No one anticipates such heartache. It's always so hard...I will remember you and the parents of this beautiful young man in my New Year's Service tomorrow. I promise.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 5:34AM
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mitchdesj

My sympathies to you, what a tragedy.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 6:36AM
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organic_donna

Thank you all for your kind words.
I just found this news release and video. The video is hard to watch because it shows his car and broken windsheild. You might not want to watch it. The article explains what they think might have happened. They haven't found the driver of the truck.
I feel awful for his girlfriend who was his passenger. She must be so traumatized.
I am going to show my ex husband all of your kind words. Thank you for all of the support.
Donna

Here is a link that might be useful: here it is...

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 8:19AM
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abfab

Donna,

My mother wrote in a poem once "as men to war, so women to childbirth" about the kind of insane, gay, abandon that enables women to face childbirth and then childrearing. She, too, lost a child (my sister, at age six). I wnet into motherhood with tremendous enthusiasm and naievte and only after my first daughter was born did I truly understand how children are our "hostages to fortune" and how terrifying itis to have that charge to keep in an uncertain world. As my two daughters approached the same age as I was when my sister died (I was eight and she was six, the same age difference between my two) I really started to have flash backs--the two of us in the bath, the two of us in our nightgowns, the games we used to play together). It was really difficult. After my niece died we tried to have a third child specifically because I was so terrified something would happen to one of my daughters and that the other would be left "alone." Now its a few years later and I've calmed down but its impossible t lose the fear entirely.

I guess what I"m trying to say is that the fear that in giving your heart away ("your heart walking around outside your body" is the way I've heard children described) something bad will happen is really common. I don't think you should beat yourself up about having "made a decision" not to have children anymore than Sean's parents should or will beat themselves up over having "made a decision" to have a child. Most of our lives are, in their own way, entirely accidental. There is always something else we could have done to create or preserve our dream lives but in the end, if the truth is told, we exert very little control over what happens. I'm sure you put the energy you would have put into children into friendships, near and far, and into living a life that is important to you. You are having an effect on many lives, and are part of many lives. I don't know how old you are (isn't that a funny thing about these boards) but there is always time in life to start again and do something we want to do, in some way. You are in mourning now, for Sean, but don't let it become mourning for your own decisions. They aren't at issue. You face the same question all of us face every morning, even if we don't know it, Tolstoy's "Wha shall we do, and how shall we live?" (I admit that every morning in my house the first question is: what shall we have for breakfast but I try to live on a higher plane.)

abfab

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 8:45AM
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jillypie

Also, remember the Robert Frost line- "the path not taken"
No matter what our choices in life there will always be the paths not taken and we don't know where they would have led. I, too, am childless, and I have spent a lot of moments wondering about that path, but I am what I am because of all the path (and past) choices.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 9:14AM
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rachelrachel

Donna -

So sorry to hear about this sudden loss and by such a freak accident. It's so unfair....that these things happen....that out of the blue someone gets killed when they were just going about their day-to-day life....that "if only"....

My heart goes out to you and your family during this very sad time.
Hugs, Rachel

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 10:02AM
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doc8404

Donna - please accept my condolences and extend them to your former husband and ex-SIL. It's a horrible tragedy when one so young passes on.

I understand your comments completely about choosing to not have children. You're right - it is a huge risk and things don't always work out well. My wife and I lost our middle son as a toddler and my wife has never recovered from her shock and grief. It's killing her to this day and certainly has contributed to her decline. While she has never has been able to shake her grief, I view my short time with my son as a treasure of great value
to be celebrated. As you can imagine, our differing views on the same event have greatly impacted our individual lives in very different ways.

Each of our lives are a amalgamation of personal choices, dumb luck, and choices others have made that affect us. I feel it's not a good use of energy to stew over choices made or not made. This is were each of us are today. Live and love large - today - right now. In your first post you stated we need to live each day as if it could be our last. Yes! That's it exactly!!

As you pointed out, you enjoyed your nephew for 30 years. Not only was his presence here a gift but consider that your memories of him are too. I urge you to remember him fondly with a smile at every opportunity. Perhaps even celebrate his birthday. It is possible to smile though the tears. I do it every day.

Warmest wishes and prayers for Sean and family,
Doc

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 10:25AM
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jubileej

Oh Donna,

How sad and shocking. I am so sorry for your loss and that of Sean's family. No, none of us are guaranteed the next moment, though we often feel so in control.

I find a sturdy, victorious strength in the New Testament (Christian scriptures) writings on the subject of the afterlife, (reinforced by my own near death experience as a teen).

"Oh grave, where is thy victory? Oh death, where is thy sting?"
the Pauline writings declare, and expound upon it.

Donna and jillypie, your paths have freed you up with time and energies and capacity for caring for others, that those of us with kids -or kitchen projects :-)- find diminished.

Part of the intrigue of this fragile existance we find ourselves in now in that we can "comfort those who are in sorrow with the same comfort with which we have been comforted." (II Corinthians 1:3-5)

Thank you for your heart and your gifts.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 10:29AM
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organic_donna

abfab,
I just turned 52 and in 3 years plan on leaving the airlines and embarking on a new path. I am at a crossroads looking back with regrets and forward with anticipation.
You have a wonderful way with words. I am sorry for the loss of your little sister. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who has suffered losses. I am lucky to have had my parents for as long as I did. I need to be more grateful for the time I did have with them. Your words are so beautiful. They mean so much to me on so many levels.
jillie,
In many ways you and I walk the same path. That is why we feel so connected.
doc8404,
You are honoring your son by seeing his short life as a gift. I understand your wife's grief. I wish for her to find peace someday. You are right, I need to look at the future and try and make the rest of my life matter. Sean owned his own yoga school in San Diego. I told my ex husband that if his parents decide not to keep the school that we will consider buying it and manage it from afar. We will make it a legacy to Sean. This was his dream and it must be kept alive.
rachelrachel and jubileej,
Your kind words mean a lot to me.
Sean, my ex, is reading your thoughtful posts. He told me how kind each and every one of you are.
Thank you all for the support and words of encouragement.
Donna

    Bookmark   December 31, 2006 at 11:30AM
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susan209

All who said, 'Live each day as though it were your last' are so right.....you just never know when that day will be. So very sorry for your loss and especially to his parents who are so devastated at this moment. I can't even imagine their hearts at this time, I have five children, 9 grand kids and 2 great GG and I just can't even image loosing any of them. Their grief has to be so unbearable. Know that you have ever so many GW friends who are sending you wonderful thoughts as I am. Susan

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 12:01AM
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cat_mom

I don't get over to conversations too often (I spend way too much time on the computer on the "other side" as it is), so I just read about your ex's nephew. I am so sorry for your and his loss. It sounds like it is a loss that will be shared by many.

My condolences to you and your extended family.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 12:08PM
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kitchencrazychris

Donna,

The story of your nephew touched me before I even read your posts. It was one of those awful things one hears on the news . . . hard to comprehend how something like that can happen . . thinking of the family and friends left behind, and how traumatic to deal with something like that, then I was reading your post, and thought, OMG . . . that sounds exactly like the accident I heard about locally. My heartfelt sympathy to you and to Sean's family. What a tragedy beyond words. There was a lovely article in this morning's paper about Sean, and how some of his students had a special yoga session yesterday in his memory. What an incredible young man . . . the article also told of how he'd let his hair grow long, then cut it off and donated it to cancer victims. Just glimpses into this young man's life. There was an Optimists Creed quoted that the article said that he held dear, . . . "Promise yourself . . . to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble." What wonderful words . . .

Through your posts . . . through the newspaper article . .
Sean has become much more than a "statistic", which seems to often happen when one doesn't know the family or situation directly. This senseless death has certainly affected people in this area . . . kind of a stunned disbelief that something so freakish can happen on our freeways . . . the kind of thing that it could have happened to anybody . . . that it did happen to this incredible young man with so much to give our world . . .

And, this, on the heels of another very tragic, senseless death locally . . . that of a young 25 year old policeman, shot while assisting another officer with a routine traffic stop. He leaves behind his young widow, and two month old son. So terribly sad . . . as someone said while watching the funeral, and his widow holding their precious baby, the little guy has no idea how his little world has been so completely rocked . . never to be the same.

Totally different situations, but two young lives snuffed out way before their time . . .

Again, my thoughts are so much with you and Sean's family . . .
May you all find the strength to get through all of this . . Please know that many thoughts and prayers are with you . . .

Chris

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 1:16PM
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organic_donna

OH....you have me in tears...again,
I didn't know Sean very well, he lived so many miles away. You didn't need to know him well to see his beauty shining through. Last year he came to visit and he and I went to a yoga class together. He was a young man with such wisdom and maturity. He was one of those souls that you felt had so much insight for one so young. Everyone whose life he touched was a better person for knowing him. Sean's journey was just beginning and he had so much to offer the world. His legacy must be carried on through his yoga school. His yoga practice meant so much to him. He will be greatly missed.
Chris,
Your words were very touching. I wish I could have read the article from the newspaper. He was very loved amongst his friends and students. I would have loved to attend his memorial class.
I was trying to think of a New Years resolution that had some profound meaning to my life. Now the choice is easy... I am going to try and live my life more like Sean lived his. Being kind to everyone and having a positive outlook on life. Stop looking back on what I should have done and look forward at what I can do instead. Finding the beauty in each day.
Celebrate being alive today. This is his legacy to all of us.
Thank you for being my gardenweb family. Your support has meant a great deal to me.
Happy New Year,
Donna

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 3:37PM
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organic_donna

Chris,
I found the article you had read. His poor girlfriend.
I linked it below if anyone is interested.
Donna

Here is a link that might be useful: Sean's legacy

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 7:00PM
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mahatmacat1

Donna,

Such a sad, horrible event...

and what an article. Thank you for posting it. I agree with the folks who have said that Sean is spreading his energy among so many others now who never knew him...I love that creed--I'd never heard of it before--so he's affected my life and probably my family's life in a way he may never have otherwise...

I'll be thinking of his parents and all of his loved ones. My guess is that he is too.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 9:38PM
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jubileej

Wow, Donna,

Isn't it wonderful that Sean lived life to the fullest! He seems so very kind. The article is a beautiful statement about him.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 8:25PM
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organic_donna

flyleft,
What a wonderful tribute to his life. The funeral is Friday and I can't attend. I'm sure it will be a very powerful day. I think about him a lot. I can never understand such a chain of events that can wipe out a life in a split second. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. You are truly my GW family.
Donna

    Bookmark   January 3, 2007 at 8:39AM
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