How do I not feel like this?
Hey all...I am not sure if posting here is the best idea, because I guess it's more of a venting/rant situation, and I already know the reason why I feel the way I do, and the story is so long that I can't really give everyone all the details...but I guess at the very least it will make me feel better, so here goes nothing!
I'm 33, gonna be 34 in Sept. I still live at home with mom, after dad passed away 8 years ago, decided not to move out to save money and also to watch over mom, plus so she wouldn't sell the house. I am an only child.
My fiance is 40. He is the oldest of 3. Youngest sister is my age, married since she was 20, with four kids. His younger brother is 36, married a year and a half or so, just became a dad this morning. His wife is 24.
SO and I have been together almost ten years. We got engaged about a year ago. The plan, for the last year or so, has been to add a second floor apartment to our house for my mom, and then we can live downstairs, hoping to get married next year. We also own a condo in VT which we bought a little over 2 years ago. We rent that out mostly, though we go up a few times a year.
Well, this plan has totally fallen through the last week. Financially, there is no way in heck we can afford to build the second floor and survive. Which means no marriage. Now, I know everyone will mention the option of selling the condo - however, we bought that with retirement in mind (neither of us have pentions or any good retirement plans), plus we will get killed with taxes if we sell this soon. Plus everyone says we will be crazy to sell, as we got an amazing deal on the unit, and we completely renovated it from top to bottom (oh, rentals cover about 1/2 mortgage and expenses, so there is a decent amount of out of pocket). The other option would be to live married with my mom, which I'm sorry, will not happen. I love my mom, but she is a VERY difficult and nasty woman (and I am not exagerating, it's just her personality) and it's hard enough for me to live with her, let alone me and SO.
While I am sure we will come up with a solution at some point, right now I am insanely depressed. SOOOO depressed. We are now thinking we have to push the wedding back 3 or 4 years. Which feels like an eternity to me...it's not so much the wedding per se, but the 'next step' of my life - finally being able to live with my SO, not live with my mom, have our own space, etc...I have been wallowing in self pity all week....I just feel so trapped, and not able to change any of our situation...
And to top it off, SO's SIL had the baby this morning...SO's brother and SIL are the 'golden children' of the family - SO's mom dotes on his brother like no tomorrow, and SIL the same way...and everyone is so ecstatic for this event. Of course, I don't blame them, but I have all this envy...they got engaged way before us (I was devestated then too), their wedding was probably the WORST day of my entire life (for many reasons, not just my own self pity) and now this...I feel like everytime his brother and wife are happy, I'm miserable!
I know that I'm transferring my disapointment on their happiness, and I shouldn't do that...I just can't control it right now. Honestly, the LAST thing I want to do right now is go visit them at the hospital with all their happy friends and family and BLAH.
Sigh. Any words of advice to help me get through this? I know it will pass eventually, but I just feel so yucky right now.