If you discovered your spouse was unfaithful...

Rosarugosa1July 22, 2014

...and had solid sound evidence of ongoing cheating that was undeniable and in print, What would you do? Would you confront him? Would you conceal what you knew and use the down time to lawyer up and collect what you needed in terms of financial data etc.? There are children involved, young adults, who would be deeply hurt and angry if they knew the truth. What would you do with the material evidence? Would you keep it or destroy it?

Some of you must have been in this situation. I don't see how a reconciliation is realistic. I live in a no fault state so the misbehavior has no bearing on settlements or support unfortunately. He doesn't know I know...

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Unfortunately I know several women who have been in this situation and it's been eye-opening. It's such a complicated scenario but after watching my friends my first move would probably be to contact my attorney to find out my rights and options.

Then it would be time for serious soul searching.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 9:20PM
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I'm so sorry. It's just so unfair to have to go through this. It's such a cowardly thing; if he wasn't satisfied in the marriage, he should have manned up and ended it before getting involved with anyone else.

Well, I'd be sure my financial ducks were all in a row, meaning making certain there wasn't going to be any draining of bank accts and assets, etc. I'd then decide if I'd be better off with or without him and either make demands and try to save my marriage or get a lawyer, file a disso and get ct orders preventing him from doing anything with any assets.

I would not let my kids see the evidence, unless they didn't believe me and were blaming me for the failure of the marriage, and not holding their father accountable, or he was denying it all. Then I'd have to decide what I'd do.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 9:26PM
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rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7

Get a good, as in responsible, lawyer. He or she can educate you regarding your options. Keep all the evidence OF COURSE!

That your adult children will be hurt shouldn't be a factor in your decision making process, but I'd advise that you refrain from sharing all of the sordid details with them.

I wish you all the best. Don't stay in a loveless marriage. I did for too long and I regret every minute, every day, every week, every month, every year.

If you feel that reconcilliation is not feasible, he needs to get out. (Or you could leave and find yourself a nice little villa on the beach. Wait, that's what I did, lol.)

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 9:39PM
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Yes, I have been in this situation and know how much it hurts. I'm so sorry. Personally, I don't think most marriages can survive infidelity, but you should explore it if you so desire. You could check out Marriage Builders - they have a good web site.

I agree with the others....seek counsel from an attorney, and I would do it before you confront him. Keep all evidence and don't over share with your children no matter how old they are. I would also add that you should be tested for STDs.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:00PM
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Get good legal advice before doing anything. Katie Holmes did it best.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:06PM
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Rosa, what a terrible situation to find yourself in. I'm sorry that you're going through it.

I haven't been in a similar spot but I would hope that I would keep my head about me and protect myself. I'd find a good lawyer. Then maybe an investigator to make sure he isn't hiding assets already. I would play it cool and follow the recommendations of my counsel, then drop the bomb quietly and without involving the children. I would try to take the high road as best I could, but take as much from the marriage as possible. Of course that's in a perfect world. What I'd probably do is have one too many cosmos and run the jerk over with my SUV.

I wish you great strength during this horrible time. Stay strong, the jail time is probably not worth the satisfaction of running him over. It was brave of you to bring this question here I hope our wise group can help you. Xo


    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:06PM
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Deleted duplicate msg

This post was edited by mdln on Tue, Jul 22, 14 at 22:20

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:18PM
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No words of advice but IâÂÂm so sorry you were betrayed in this way. I really canâÂÂt imagine. On the flip side I have friends that went on with their lives as single persons and are happier than ever. It did take most of them a year and a half to two years to adjust though. I have to say that their happiness has taken 10 to 15 years off their appearance. However, that might not be the answer you seek so I just wish you my best.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:27PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure right now your emotions are running the gamut, but you need to keep a clear head. If it were me, I think I would keep it to myself for a bit and take time to figure out what I want and how to proceed. I don't know the legal ins and outs, but I would at least make copies of all financial statements with current balances to protect myself financially. I might not see an attorney at this point, but I'd have a name on file. Others here may have better advice based on experience or legal expertise.

An affair doesn't necessarily mean a marriage is over. Before I walked away for good I would leave no stone unturned. You might want to see a marriage counselor, even on your own for now, to help you through everything.

Wishing you the best.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:31PM
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I also meant to add....keep the children out of it as much as possible and as much as you probably want to, don't say negative things about your husband to the kids....take the high road through all of this, you'll be glad you did.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:34PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like jterrilynn, I know a few women who've experienced similar, and, while the journey wasn't easy, they eventually arrived at a peaceful point in their lives. They each handled it with shrewd legal representation, and, other than typical "girls' nights" of sharing their misery over bottles of wine, they didn't let bitterness and vindictiveness take a permanent hold. From my perspective, this allowed them to maintain their dignity, even though they felt deeply humiliated and angry, of course.

I would also add my two cents regarding your adult children: It's not you who needs to do the explaining about the infidelity. You can share with them why you're seeking a divorce, but if they have further questions, I believe it's their father's responsibility to explain. Of course, you will be there for them as they go through this difficult process, too.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 10:53PM
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If it happened to me I would visit a lawyer, keep the evidence (but not in my house) and say nothing to the kids. We have a prenup that is almost criminally in my favor.....I had very good representation on the front end. We have now been married 32 years and things are fine--- much more than fine, actually---but, one never knows, so I am not sorry we have the prenup.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 11:11PM
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I would get legal advice and say nothing to anyone until I was absolutely ready to move on, whichever direction that may be. I hope you find peace.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2014 at 11:47PM
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And clear your browser history!

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 12:05AM
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Don't keep or write anything on the internet, facebook, tweets, e-mails, etc. Take the high road for the children. Having said that - protect yourself and take care of yourself. He doesn't deserve anything.

My ex-sil had an affair on my brother (with his business partner), age old story, the partner had more money than my brother, grass greener on the other side, exciting, blah, blah blah..... and 3 young children.

My brother took the fall in the eyes of the kids and they blamed him for years. They had no idea the reason for the break-up and it harmed their relationship for years until she finally came clean in a drunken speal. Don't take the blame for the scumbag.

I don't know how old young adults are - late teens vs early twenties, but don't hide the truth from them. They can know the truth without you lambasting him. It is important that your children know that this is not an acceptable part of marriage, that it is disrespectful to you and to them. He has taken away your trust and when he was having his affairs he was using time that should have been spent with his children and family.

You are going to change and they need to understand why, you will grieve and hopefully come out the other end stronger.

oops - I didn't answer your question - his suitcase would be packed and left outside and the locks changed.

This post was edited by blfenton on Wed, Jul 23, 14 at 1:17

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:15AM
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Or you could do as one of my clients did when she found out what he'd done. She cut off one arm of each piece of clothing in his closet. Then she piled them in the front yard. Said it made her feel great.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:37AM
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I am sorry

Remember that right now you are in the control position he has no idea you know take this time to find out all of your communal assets and their value. If he has balanced the books, get copies and find out what is being spent or hidden that you don't know about. Visit a good lawyer and find out what you can and cannot do. If you have personal items of value, box them up and store some place safe (example family heirlooms from your family that are irreplaceable to you even if they have little monetary value).

Document every thing you can. Even if you never show it to anyone. You can look at it and not feel like your nuts

And decide if you think you would rather seek couselling and try to work it out or if this is the last straw

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:37AM
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I'm so very sorry. Been there myself. You've gotten great advice about seeking legal counsel. Definitely find out all the financials you can and quietly get your ducks in a row. If you have joint assets, do what you can to protect your share.

DO NOT say a thing to your kids yet. Mine are also young adults (at the time mid-late 20's) I made the mistake of telling mine and now they really hate him-they haven't spoken to him since. However they are starting to thaw a bit toward him, but I haven't had a family gathering with everyone in one place since then. I think if I'd waited to tell them, after the initial shock, it might have been a different scenario. But they saw me at my most vulnerable and most hurt-and it really hurt them to see me that way.

Get yourself counselling. This is imperative. Regardless of how things work out in the end, YOU need support and a safe place to be vulnerable. Infidelity can destroy your self esteem and it's traumatic. You may find yourself with a form of PTSD, and you're going to be suspicious and question everything for a long time-realize this is natural.

In our case-it's been a difficult road. The bright side is that we learned to listen to one another and to speak up when we needed to be heard. He, especially, has made himself more vulnerable to me, but 18 months later, it's still a hard road and a work in progress. I can't say that I'm happy-but I can say truthfully that I am happier than I was before the infidelity, if that makes sense. It's definitely been a road I don't wish anyone to have to go down.

Do not make rash decisions yet. If you decide to end your marriage, keep your wits about you. If you're not an equal financial partner, you must ensure that you're protected financially. In my case I would have taken a larger financial hit than him-my retirement for example, is a lot bigger than his.

I send you blessings and love. I am so very, very sorry about this. Whatever path you chose, may you find peace.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:46AM
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I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.
I'm sure it's terribly hard and probably will be for some time.
This is a good time for you to take care of yourself in every way possible.
From my limited knowledge (friends, relatives, tv), I'd say:
Keep the evidence.
Consult an attorney.
Make an appointment with a counselor, or go to the library and read about the issue of cheating/unfaithfulness.

There are always good things and happy times somewhere ahead of us.
Even right now, good things await.
Best wishes.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:46AM
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but take a little time to get past the shock and make your plan. Talk to a lawyer. Meet with a financial adviser if appropriate. Verify all your financial accounts. You might have the attorney keep the evidence or put in in a safe deposit box. Clearing your electronic trail and watching who you talk to about this would be wise. Work quietly, calmly, but quickly - still taking time to catch your breath and let the room stop spinning.

I'd have all his stuff outside and the locks changed, the only question being whether I'd have to do a little homework first. But he knows this. ;)

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:50AM
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Oh, Rosa, I'm so very sorry. My heart breaks for you.
To answer your questions....
What would you do? I honestly don't know. On one hand, I can't imagine this happening, but then again, it's happened to others when things looked so great, that you just never know. I know for sure I'd be heartbroken. We are the couple that our children and their friends say, when they get married, they want what we have.
Would you confront him? My faith takes over here and I feel all should be done to save the marriage. Then again the infidelity, even in the Bible, is an acceptable reason for divorce. Sorry, but I don't remember where to find that now.
Would you conceal what you knew and use the down time to lawyer up and collect what you needed in terms of financial data etc.? To everyone, but my husband and though I can't imagine doing this, I do strongly believe in your case you need to contact a good lawyer and make copies of all shared financial accounts and have someone search his in case he's hiding something from you.
There are children involved, young adults, who would be deeply hurt and angry if they knew the truth. I would not tell the children until something is definite, as in you file for divorce, and as mentioned above make their father tell them the reason for the divorce, in your presence, so he can't fib! What would you do with the material evidence? Would you keep it or destroy it? I would get a Safe Deposit Box to keep the paperwork you have as proof in and as mentioned above delete your computer history each time you are on the computer whether or not you share a computer. I'm not sure if you can clear the history on a cell phone, so I wouldn't use it to talk of any of this.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:56AM
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Even if you are still on the fence, get a good snapshot of your finances -- balance in all accounts, credit cards, estimates of all other assets. Then go see a lawyer armed with that. Make some primary decisions about what you want. Only after you have done this, should you confront your husband (if you can do this safely) and let him know that you know and how you know it. Is there any chance he does not want a divorce, is there any way through counseling you might agree to give him a chance? If so set your terms. You can agree not to file as long as he is trying and you are trying to decide if you can stay in the marriage after being betrayed. You may not want to try (you've been hurt enough), tell him so.

You might also tell him that you don't want to hurt the kids any more than necessary and that learning of their father's infidelity would be hard on them and see if you can both agree to a story that "we've just decided that we would be better off apart." If you don't bad mouth each other (even with the truth, the kids will be better off and the divorce will go more smoothly. If your husband doesn't keep his side of the bargain " oh, it's all your mom's fault" then you've got the goods to rebut that lie.

Just having gone thru this with a friend, peony's advice is right on bitterness and vindictiveness has no place (except for a couple girl's nights). And try to be careful with the kids -- even for young adults it is hard with divided loyalties and the loss of a world they thought was secure. My friend's 22 yr. old had quite a rough time of it and, because it was is mom that wanted the divorce, he unfairly directed a lot of the blame at her. The older one however, realized that the marriage had been an unhappy one for some time and realized that the divorce was probably the best. He is helping his brother see that too.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:59AM
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Hello again and thank you to all my GW friends, it's been a long night! I appreciate the time everyone took to comment on the situation and advise. It's not easy right now. The laws in my state are no fault so his behavior will not count against him in terms of settlement or support/alimony. I have not worked for years, it's the typical SAHM situation. I am super vulnerable. I know I don't deserve this treatment at all. If you knew the woman and knew with the press of a "send" button you could destroy her reputation, marriage, family, etc,would you do it?

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 4:41AM
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Maybe. Without actually being in the situation I couldn't say.

If you decided to do this, I would, however, figure out a way to reveal her infidelity without you as the source of information. Do it anonymously, on a big scale --- emails to all mutual friends from a dummy account, sent on a public computer at an Internet cafe in a session paid in cash, lol. Then YOU get to be the guilty party and both your husband and his lover are publicly humiliated.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 5:10AM
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Take the high road. I wouldn't speak about or to the other woman at all.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 6:02AM
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Talk to an attorney immediately. Don't assume anything about support, etc. Forget for now about pressing the "send" button and just focus on the attorney. Don't take legal advice from friends or family unless they are attorneys. Don't think you "know" the law or your rights. Meet with an attorney and perhaps a financial planner or other pro who can assist you in a plan for the future. While very emotional right now, try very hard to think logically. He will be.

wanted to add.... Put all the evidence in a safe deposit box. You can always make copies, but keep the originals safe. If there are emails etc. put those on a disc.

This post was edited by debrak2008 on Wed, Jul 23, 14 at 7:39

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 7:30AM
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It is hard to see past the hurt, to think clearly. As much as you want revenge, ultimately nothing good will come out of it.

My brother answered the door to a woman who told him his wife was having an affair with her husband. My brother had no idea that she was unhappy in the marriage.

Do you love your husband? Not right at this moment, but all through the marriage? You seem to know your states laws and it sounds like your lifestyle will change drastically. Will you be able to live relatively comfortably on your own?

How old are you? Can you go back to school for training so you can be employable?

I would get all options on the table. See a lawyer and know exactly what your financial situation will be. If it is not adequate, could you get a job or go back to school? Do you think your husband will want to go to marriage counseling?
My concern is that this might bring him to the decision of divorce before you are ready to handle it.

As upset and angry as you are, don't do anything rash.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 7:47AM
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Annie Deighnaugh

First of all, my deepest sympathies for having to go through this horrible experience. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you...I know it can shake you to your very foundation.

Second, you've gotten some terrific advice here. Consider it all, take it in, give yourself time to settle emotionally so that you can make the very best decisions for yourself and your children. What you do over the next few months will have consequences over many, many years to come.

I agree that, esp as a SAHM, you need to protect yourself financially. Get to a lawyer and get to a counselor. The sooner the better so you can get on solid footing. I also think that by taking action, it will help you feel better emotionally. I also agree that it is so important to understand that your relationship with your husband is your business, but your childrens' relationship with him is theirs. Like it or not, they need and will continue to need a father, just as they will continue to need a mother, and nothing should be done to contaminate those relationships by either of you.

While seeking revenge on the other woman is very tempting...go ahead and do it in your mind! Do not do it in reality. Remember, she isn't breaking up your marriage...he is. She didn't make promises to you, he did. And in a sense, she's as involved with a cheating man as you are. As others have suggested, take the high road. You are the victim here. Don't do anything to give cause to anyone to paint you as the perpetrator. Recognize that it's just the emotional whirlwind right now. Anchor your behavior to your level and reasoned head.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 7:53AM
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Its possible the evidence rosa has can improve her financial position. The well-timed production of that may make the difference between her living comfortably or not. She would be foolish NOT to use it if it were to her advantage,

Rosa, i would not be complacent in assuming you would walk away with half of anything. (For starters, he retains all the earning power.) Right now the one thing you actually know about your hisband is that he is a liar. The equitable division of marital assets depends upon knowledge....,,,how do you know your DH has not concealed accounts or possessions?

People have have different advice regarding telling your children and seeking revenge, but everyone has advised you to seek legal advice and in your shoes i would be making that call today. Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 8:05AM
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Even in no fault divorce states (and every state has no fault option now), judges will sometimes consider adultery in making a decision on alimony. Be sure to give the evidence to a lawyer.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 9:20AM
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"Take the high road. I wouldn't speak about or to the other woman at all."

I agree with this. What good would it do to expose her, ruin her, etc. And sad-to-say, infidelity is so common, I'm not sure exposing her would hurt her that much. Do you bring yourself down to their level. In the long run, I believe the revenge could be as hurtful to you as to her. I have a feeling that is not the type person you are and you would probably end up sorry and/or ashamed of exposing her.

I would immediately seek legal advice. Accounts can be documented and frozen. I would also talk to a trusted friend or family member. This is alot for you to handle and I think you could use the support.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.


    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 9:20AM
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I am so sorry this happened to you. It is devastating when your spouse "moves away" from you and everything in your life has changed. I don't know if your husband has made a mistake due to weakness or if your relationship has been at least in his mind "over". I think you need to talk to him about this before you make any decisions if you believe that you can still have a life together.

Whatever you do, remember that being betrayed causes intense anger that might lead you to react instead of thinking this through. Give yourself some time to think long and hard about it after you have talked to him before you decide on divorce. But it doesn't hurt to protect your assets in the mean time.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 9:36AM
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After helping two friends who learned their husbands were currently having affairs, the very first thing I would do is post my story on the Marriage Builders forum. They were most helpful in walking my friends step by step on everything they needed to do including gathering evidence, exposing, seeking an attorney, understanding the laws in our state, etc.

Here is a link that might be useful: Marriage Builders Forum

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 9:58AM
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Don't hit send. Not now and not unless and until it is a cool-headed and well thought through action. Angry reactions have a way of tarnishing the sender as much as the object of the info and you don't need to turn everyone against you as the vengeful B++ch he rightfully wanted to leave. Don't create sympathy for him or her -- just take care of you.

My dad taught me a lesson about imagining things you would say or do to get even or make you feel better and find a point where you can laugh and break that tension. Often that is much better in your mind than anything will play in reality and it gets you past that moment. If you can't lfind a way to laugh, then at least imagine how other folks would react to the dirty laundry -- see you as part of the problem -- how wrong everything could go. Recognizing what you don't want to happen or let get away from you can be a good deterrent. Vent safely. Act. Don't react.

Go do something for yourself today. At least get out of the house. If you have to take kids in tow, get them to a park, a library, a movie -- do something, don't just sit and stew. Your mind will naturally wander back, but the more you can regain your mental balance, the better you will deal with everything. Hang in there.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:09AM
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Since you have revealed you are a SAHM...I would definitely be making copies of all financial statements and calling an attorney TODAY. You are more vulnerable than if you were working and had your own income. If he is already planning to leave the marriage, he is also probably taking steps to insure he comes out ahead financially. I think a lawyer will be able to find out if he is diverting assets to private accounts.

Keep evidence and financial info in safety deposit box

NO vindictive behavior, exposing them, etc. It will only fan the flames. Take the high road, if only for the sake of your kids.

Agree with Blfenton....when the time comes, you both sit down with the kids and HE explains to them why the world as they knew it is falling apart. Again, no bashing of hubby to the kids..

Counseling to help you cope......do you think he wants a divorce or once he is confronted will he end it and beg your forgiveness? You need to be prepared for it to go either way and figure out what YOU want when all is said and done. Divorce is not the only option.

We're all here for you!

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:13AM
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I am so sorry. So very sorry.

I am a fellow SAHM and have wondered myself what I'd do in that situation. Like you, I am very vulnerable. I've worked on/off throughout my years at home (from home) and have maintained my certification needed to go back to work. However, while it was my choice to stay home (and financially, better), I know that my career has suffered as a result. You have sacrificed and let HIM improve his career. Don't forget that-- even though you're not paid, he was able to earn money because of you. You made it all possible. Even little things that aren't little things, like you making sure he didn't have to take days off from work when the kids are sick, have drastically helped his career.

I am sort of surprised by some of the commenters here who are telling the OP how great their marriage is. Really? Wow. Anyway, my attitude is that cheating can happen to anyone. ANYONE. It is a possibility for any of us on some level, and the best way to avoid it is to not put ourselves in the wrong situation. If you think of it that way, it neutralizes everything to an extent.

Right now, think of protecting yourself as others suggested. Hitting "send" might feel good, but instead of focusing on the other woman, think of yourself, your children, and your husband. If it hadn't been that woman, it would have been someone else. She is irrelevant, and the more you think of her, the more you will become invested in her and make her part of your world. Don't go there.

I'll be thinking of you!

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:26AM
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If you use a notebook computer or tablet, change the password on it, as well as on your phone, and keep them by your side. At night, keep them in a tote bag next to your bed. If the fellow starts to suspect you know something, he may try to find out for sure. Also change your IDs or passwords on your social media and don't stay logged in, including GW if he knows you're here. I saw a story about changing passwords to things that are important in your life, such as "stayfocused" or "keepyourcool" (or "hesascumbag", but the point of the story was that they should be positive), using numbers and special characters for some of the letters. If it's different from your normal password schemes that's good.

Don't destroy reputations anywhere but in your mind, she's taking care of that on her own and it keeps another level of drama out of your life.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:30AM
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First I am sorry for what you are going through.

I've always been told that once there is a question of the integrity of the marriage, especially if divorce is being considered, it ALL becomes business at that point. Become aware of your finances, gather documentation, seek legal advice, etc.

We currently have an acquaintance going through a similar situation. The wife found out through cell phone calls and texts to another woman (personal and employer provided cell phone.) The wife is collecting documentation. The wife told me she told her husband he had to sit down and tell their family (they have adult children living close by). The children listened, but then said it was their problem and they had to handle it. They loved both of them and weren't going to take sides. The woman feels like she has no support. She doesn't know if it's just a flirtatious emotional affair or if it is physical. Either way it puts a strain on the marriage. The wife told him not to have any more contact with the woman after a certain date; however there have been a few additional calls to the woman on the work phone, plus he has a lot of free time since he's on medical leave and she constantly wonders what he is up to. She is an emotional wreck.

The wife is extremely concerned about finances and keeping the house if something transpires. Apparently this isn't the first time he's done this. There is now a lack of trust w/ his wife and the employer. He stands to lose a lot. Only you can decide if it's worth staying in the relationship and living with the doubts or rebuilding trust, or if you can financially and emotionally separate after years together.

Seek professional or knowledgeable help for yourself. Our acquaintance needed a shoulder to cry on and an outlet for her frustration. My jaw about dropped to the floor as she was telling me this and I had no words of wisdom or good help to offer.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:31AM
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Bumblebeez SC Zone 7

Whatever happens, allow yourself time to process your feelings and relationship. Statistically, marriages with infidelity more often than not do not end in divorce. (according to Dr. Phil anyway lol)

But right now, most importantly, let him know nothing, get hard copies of everything financial and get a good lawyer. Keep the upper hand. You are the one in control.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:35AM
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Do not press send. I was ready to call the husband of the other person, and I fantacised about it constantly. I too, could make her life tumble down around her as she'd done to me-but then I thought-what would be the point? She KNEW she was with a man who was married (as well as the fact that she had a husband who loved her, too) so by keeping quiet I had the delicious knowledge that I was making her MORE miserable knowing that I knew and could drop that bomb at any moment. It also kept my husband on his toes that if I found out he ever contacted her again, I could just make one phone call.

Childish? Probably, but it helped me gain some control of the situation, and that is what I needed-to have some control of a world that was spinning out of control.

Your husband has made it his practice to keep you in the dark-if you suddenly start acting differently or more secretly-he's likely to notice. Maybe not right away, but he will-he's been keeping a huge secret for a while, so he 'knows' you. So you're going to have to try to keep it as if you're still oblivious unitl you're ready to let him know you know. After you've contacted an attorney and gotten yourself less financially vulnerable. An attorney is going to be your best adviser on those terms.

I can't stress seeing a counsellor enough. And if you want to chat, you can PM me by clicking on my name and get my email.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 10:59AM
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((HUGS))).... If I were in your position I would take actions that protect my future for all possible scenarios and one of those possibilities is staying married thus I would not hit send even though I would want to. See a lawyer to know your rights but do not make any life changing decisions at this time. After visiting an attorney and getting my finacial ducks in order, I would then confront my husband, while the children are not present, and try to rationally discuss our options and desires. Hang in there and know brighter days are ahead of you.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 11:11AM
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Don't hit "send". Destroying someone else will not make you feel good. What will make you feel good is to maintain your dignity and handle this situation with as much restraint and class as you can muster. That is the best "revenge", but more importantly, the best thing to do for your own mental health.

I would follow the advice in this post about protecting and arming yourself for the best financial outcome. But I would also prioritize your emotional well-being. Find a professional to talk to asap.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 11:24AM
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Edited to remove double post.

This post was edited by melsouth on Wed, Jul 23, 14 at 22:54

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 11:29AM
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Do not hit Send. If you decide to go ahead with a divorce, and once everything is settled and over and you still want to hit send - post again asking that question. But for now, don't do it.

Keep in mind, if he as cheated on you and he remarries or gets into another relationship, he will probably cheat on her.

As a SAHM, you need to find a tough lawyer who specializes in this type of situation - one who can find hidden assets or more income than he has told you about.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 11:39AM
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Before I read anymore comments, and with no offence intended, I have to differ with Annie's comment about the other woman being with a cheating man, being the same as you being with a cheating man. Though I wouldn't destroy her with the touch of a button, I certainly don't think of her as being in the same boat as you, the wife of the cheater. It's not the same. At all!
Long before I met and married my hubby, I met a man, I was in my late teens, he was 20. The second I heard he was married, separated, but still married, I hit the road, so to speak. We met through mutual friends at a gathering and immediately were attracted to each other. We talked quite a bit getting to know each. After a bit he told me he was separated and getting a divorce. He and his wife had been living apart for awhile at that time. We only talked, so he wasn't, technically, cheating, but to me, even thoughts of someone other than your spouse is a form of cheating. I admired him for telling me, but told him I'd be nothing more than a friend, unless even that posed a problem to his marriage/divorce.
This all happened in my home town the summer I spent with my best friend and cousins. We still saw each other now and then because of mutual friends, but I never let myself be alone with him. The next summer when I was home for a shorter visit, I saw him and we went on a date as he was then divorced. He was such a nice young man and wasn't upset at all when I said I wouldn't date him while he was still officially married.
So no, I don't see how the other woman is in the same boat as the wife who's being cheated on.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 12:14PM
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I have nothing to add to all the good advice you've already received but did want to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how devastating it would be.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 12:42PM
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"I have not worked for years, it's the typical SAHM situation. I am super vulnerable."

Yes, you are. And the social/legal standards have changed, so the likelihood of a divorcing husband supporting an ex-wife forever at a comfortable level without her needing to provide income is pretty much nil. If you divorce, your standard of living is almost certainly going to decline, if not immediately then in the future. You need to get legal advice immediately because realistically, you do not have the same options as a woman who has either independent resources, or her own income.

You may find yourself faced with living on a drastically reduced standard v. staying in a marriage with someone you can't trust. If you have any way to earn an income, I'd put serious energy into moving forward with that. Even if you don't divorce, you will at least put yourself into a financial situation that leaves you a bit more solid so that you don't feel you are without choices in the future. Then too, it will give you a new perspective and a feeling of achievement and self-worth that you probably could really use right now.


    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 12:44PM
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Annie Deighnaugh

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that a faithful wife's position was the same as that of a woman cheating with a married man. It certainly isn't at all. If that's how it reads, my bad. I apologize. That's not what I meant at all.

My point, a general one, was, so often when a man cheats with another woman, the women take it out on each other..."you leave my man alone"...when in fact he is the dog, he is responsible as he is cheating. He made the promises, he is breaking them. To me, it's the same kind of thinking that makes excuses for men's bad behavior and holds women responsible. That "boys will be boys" thinking. When, IMHO, the blame rests squarely with him. HE knows he's married whether the other woman does or not. HE knows whose heart he's breaking, the other woman does not. HE knows what this may do to his marriage and his children, the other woman does not.

And if anything, the two woman have something in common...that cheating man. That's not meant to imply they are on equal standing here, but only that if anyone is deserving of the both women's wrath, it's that man much more than each other.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 12:52PM
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tishtoshnm Zone 6/NM

Absolutely agree with seeing a lawyer ASAP. Good decisions have solid information as their foundation. I would also make copies of the information, and as noted above, keep it in a secure place, outside of the house.

While I would be tempted to out the other woman, I my greatest anger would be towards my husband and that would be where I would need to direct my energy., a marriage that has lasted decades has much more baggage to cope with. I have informed my DH that I discovered philandering on his part, any reconciliation requires him to make an appointment with a doctor to test for STDs.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:07PM
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Anele, if you are speaking of my first reply:
"What would you do? I honestly don't know. On one hand, I can't imagine this happening, but then again, it's happened to others when things looked so great, that you just never know. I know for sure I'd be heartbroken. We are the couple that our children and their friends say, when they get married, they want what we have."
I said that to make a point that this can happen even to what appears to be a good marriage. I meant nothing more than that. No one is truly safe from this happening. My hubby travels for a living, and though I can't imagine it happening, this could be happening to me, right now, without my knowledge.
bpathome, makes a very good point about changing you passwords and signing out of everything when you are going to be away from any device you get online with.
blfenton makes a good point in finding a lawyer that specializes in SAHMs. You want someone that knows what they're doing to help you come out financially stable, if you do decide to get a divorce.
Thank you for explaining yourself Annie. I still can't find any sympathy, what-so-ever, for the other woman.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:15PM
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I think that you need to find an individual counselor before you do anything else. A counselor can ask questions about what you want and help you to take the best emotional care of yourself now and as the situation evolves. He or she can help you figure out how you want to address it with your spouse, how to address it with the kids in a way that hopefully won't damage them too badly, and a lot of other things, too. If you're heading into a divorce, a lawyer will be necessary, but I think that especially in this current crisis, a counselor is important first.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 1:44PM
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The other woman is married also. She is just as guilty as the cheating husband. To me, ANY woman that knows she is involved with a married man is just as guilty.

Runninginplace has a very good point. I would start immediately looking into possibilities of income.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 2:11PM
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"If you're heading into a divorce, a lawyer will be necessary, but I think that especially in this current crisis, a counselor is important first."

I disagree; while one may not eventually divorce, it is absolutely imperative to understand exactly what the legal situation is, as well as get correct guidance on what steps need to be taken to protect or preserve marital financial assets. An unfaithful spouse is certainly at higher risk of removing funds without the wife even knowing what is happening; he's already lying and already engaged in an emotional commitment with another person that may lead to his leaving the marriage.

A counselor can certainly help figure out how to deal with the situation emotionally but first it is more important to know what's going on with the legal options to deal with a disastrous personal turn of events, especially if it may well impact her for literally the rest of her life. You can always find a therapist but you may not have a dime to pay for it if a cheating husband has spirited all the money away as part of his divorce strategy before you get a chance to lay any claim. And yes, it happens.


    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 5:03PM
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Get to the doctor and get tested for STDs. I am not kidding.

Do not press that send button. Good luck, I'm sorry you are going through this.


    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 5:40PM
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Been there, done that :-)) I have to admit to being somewhat confrontational - it's just in my personality. Besides, it really irked me that he actually thought he was a pulling a fast one on me. I mean, how gullible did the idiot think I was? Of course I had to call him on it......and he still tried to snow me with additional stories and lies, the SOB!!

As soon as the initial confrontation was over - I like to think of it as a release of pressure like a volcano blowing its top - I contacted a lawyer. Once the legal aspects were somewhat sorted or at least known and acknowledged, then it is time to get yourself in the right place. A supportive family took me for some R&R and I joined a support group. A separation or divorce stimulates the urge to talk it out - what went wrong, who should have done what when, etc. - and friends and family get real tired of that real fast. A support group among those who are experiencing the same thing, with a qualified moderator, is a hugely beneficial outlet and sanity keeper. And having benefited from a counseling experience earlier in my life, I did that too. As much as I hated to admit it, even with a cheating spouse, these things are always 2-way streets and it was helpful to learn and gain insight from my participation in the downfall of our marriage. I am a better and stronger person for it.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 6:06PM
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Justgotabme, yes, yours was one of the posts that made me wonder . . .seemed like "rubbing it in" to tell someone that you are a model couple when someone is struggling so profoundly right now. But, I understand your point.

Annie, I very much agree with you and was thinking the same thing. So often, women forget the man in the picture and want to blame it all on the woman. But, maybe it works the other way, too (man blames other man). Maybe it is a coping mechanism, so that there is a chance that forgiveness can take place? If so, then I suppose it's a helpful attitude.

Rosa, again, I am so sorry. I am sorry for all of this. It's a loss, a death of sorts . . .take time to grieve, and surround yourself with support. It is during these times that you find who your true and trusted friends are.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 6:30PM
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I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through it myself recently, after 21 years of marriage. I was also a SAHM. The best advice I can give you, if you decide you want a divorce, is to hire the best attorney you can possibly afford. You may be entitled to more than you or your husband realize, especially if your marriage was 20 years or more. Many judges/mediators consider a 20 year marriage to equal permanent (until you reach retirement age) alimony. Even if you live in a no-fault state, I do believe a spouse's cheating comes into play in settlement -- I feel like it did for sure in mine, and I live in a no-fault state also. It is very difficult, but you will get through it. Feel free to email me if you want.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 6:51PM
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Anele, it's always hard to put ones feelings into written words so everyone understands the meaning behind them. I'm glad you brought it up, as I'd not want Rosa to feel I was "rubbing it in".
I was cheated on by a young male I had dated for quite some time, so I know the shock, pain, anger, "what did I do wrong", etc, so I never would have said anything to add more pain to what Rosa is already experiencing.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 7:52PM
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Hi Everyone, Thank you for all the advice and support. I am doing the best I can to hold it together. Two good friends know and are checking in and being supportive. I have a counselor too and she checks in on me but since what is worrying me most is whether or not I'll be able to survive financially I am also doing my legal information gathering with family lawyers. The most difficult thing is to keep things normal for our children. I am the only adult here, he is flying around as usual, so the burden is entirely mine. I have already done and looked into things that many of you suggested. Thank you!!!!

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 8:35PM
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I won't repeat the good advice others have given, just wanted to say good luck. Keep doing what you're doing and get your ducks in a row. I can't imagine even being in the same room with him and acting normal so that he doesn't know you know just yet. The longer you have to prepare before he knows, imo, the better.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 8:50PM
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Before I start, I want to be clear that I am NOT defending your husband or what he did, just trying to add a different perspective.

One of my closest friends was the cheater in her marriage. She didn't love the guy she cheated with. She didn't even like him, really. In fact, when it all came out, and both marriages fell apart, the man wanted to marry her. She refused.

She's never really understood why she did it. She loved her husband, her home, her kids. She would give anything to be able to go back and erase it.

She knows that the decisions she made hurt so many people. I suspect though that she hurt herself far more.

This is a terrible thing to go through. I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2014 at 9:17PM
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Rosa, I was going to private message this to you, but you haven't set your GW account to allow it, so that is why I'm saying it here.

I'm so happy to hear you have close friends to support you and are seeking both legal and psychological counsel to help you know with what steps to take and how to handle the stress.

I hope you know what I wrote was to explain that no one is truly safe from this horror you are going through and that I didn't want you to, for some unknown reason, blame yourself. We are all individuals and as well as we think we know our spouses or what the want from us, we can never truly know any other person completely.

I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2014 at 12:18AM
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You have gotten lots of sound advice. I am so sorry you are going through what has to be a profoundly painful and difficult experience. My best friend is going through the same thing right now after 25 years of marriage. She had some suspicions which were confirmed when the husband of one of her husband's paramours called to tell her. That turned out to be the tip of the iceberg. She did all the things recommended here: immediately saw her doctor for multiple STD tests, sought the counsel of an attorney, and started therapy. It has been a little over a year, and the divorce will be final soon (her husband is a very successful businessman with multiple businesses, which had to be valued by an outside evaluator, etc.).

The only "mistake" I think my friend has made is to constantly deride and make negative comments about him in front of their children who are now 20 and 17. The children are old enough to draw their own conclusions about their father's behavior. I can only imagine how hard it will be to "take the high road" in this situation, but I urge you to try your hardest to do just that for the sake of your children.

I am praying for you and wishing you peace and a good outcome, whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not. Also, do not sell yourself short. You sacrificed a possible career to stay home and raise his children, which hopefully will be valued like it rightfully should be in the eyes of the court.


    Bookmark   July 24, 2014 at 9:45AM
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I have to ask, if/when you 'dump' the evidence on him, he tells you he is truly sorry, still loves you, and the kids are his first consideration, doesn't want to break up the family, is there a possibility of reconciliation? Are you still in love with him? In your opinion, did you have a good relationship? Does he have a good relationship with the kids? Do you feel a break up will have a detrimental effect on them? Can you adjust to a lesser life style? Work a 40 hour work week and care for children, a home, bills, etc., etc., etc.

You're in the 'heat of the moment', anger, disbelief, and hatred are your only emotions. What it you look the other alternative, 'dump' the news on him, every shred of evidence, but tell him you would like to 'try' for a reconciliation, and are willing to forgive and forget, even though you know it don't be easy, at least at first , if ever. All because you still love him. And they lived happily ever after, celebrating a 30 year wedding anniversary! True story from many years ago when a neighbor who became a good friend found out her husband was cheating. After the initial shock, she confided to me her love for him was stronger than her hate, and she could 'try' to forgive and forget, and did. Only you know your capabilities, or willingness of the situation. I was so young but she was in her 40's and it left such an impression on me, and that it could even happen to me! I just wanted you to hear a happy story of possibilities.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2014 at 4:13PM
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So sorry you have to deal with this mess.

I had to deal with the same thing as a very young mother. My son was 2yo when my husband had an affair with a good friend/next door neighbor. I handled pretty much everything wrong except I never spoke poorly about my son's father in front of him. I never said why we divorced except to say that we just didn't get along anymore (what an understatement!).

Fast forward 23 years later and out of the blue my son asked me if his dad cheated on me with his step-mom. I asked why and he said that there were some time-table issues he couldn't figure out. Like how his Dad and step-mom were talking about attending a particular event together when he was only a year old.

He figured it out on his own and was old enough so I confirmed his suspicions. And I got to be the noble dignified parent which was often very difficult to do.

Keep your dignity and don't stoop to make yourself feel better in the short term.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2014 at 5:37PM
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Nothing new. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today and hope you're doing okay.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2014 at 10:22PM
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I found out my husband had an affair in 2011.

It destroyed me. I had no idea why it happened -while our marriage was not perfect I never thought for a moment that he would ever do this to me. We have two teenage children.

We celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. The road was not easy, and there were many setbacks. I am not always positive it was the best decision. But at this time, I am not unhappy.

There is much good advice here. I hope you find love and guidance your journey.


    Bookmark   July 25, 2014 at 1:07AM
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Teen aged kids or older often have an idea of who was or is the unfaithful parent, even young kids sometimes have an idea (I did). However, they might not choose to deal with that directly, mentally or verbally which isnâÂÂt heathy. IâÂÂm not sure the right way to handle that though. Of course bad mouthing isnâÂÂt the answer but there should be some sort of acknowledgement. I was the kid in that situation years ago and it was very confusing to not have anything acknowledged. It made it all the harder to sort through. I would have preferred some straight talk about the mistakes made and what part of the future plan would affect my life. ThatâÂÂs just how most kids are, how it will change my life. Kids these days are pretty street smart on this stuff. But, they arenâÂÂt all the same either so itâÂÂs not a one size fits all conversation.

I really hate these infidelity stories; I want everyone to be happy.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2014 at 8:10AM
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I haven't read every word of this thread, but you are a member of a very large club. The number of men -- and women -- who cheat during a marriage is huge. In many cases (most, I think), it has to do with the thrill of doing something illicit. In the large majority of cases, they cheaters may think they are "in love" -- and they are, but not with each other. They are in love with the thrill of an affair. Your husband's actions may have nothing to do with his love for you.

I'd go see a lawyer just to be prepared. Learn all you can about your financial situation. Then tell your husband you know what has been going on. I bet he begs to be forgiven and wants to be with his family. My advice is to do what you can to save your marriage, unless you have hated the SOB for a long time prior to this knowledge.

I have been tempted many times to throw my XH's girlfriend under the bus, which is really easy to do via social media. However, I was miserable in my marriage before she came along so I was sure I wanted out and I have never regretted it.

By the way, her name is --- oh never mind!

Hugs to you Rosa. I'm sure you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under your life, and in fact it has. Do try to think rationally and don't do anything in the heat of the moment.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2014 at 8:56PM
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Ditto dedtired. In addition to consulting a lawyer as a "just in case" tack, keep in mind that there are professionals called divorce financial planners who can ferret out hidden assets, etc. It's always good to have info tucked away should you need it, but perhaps it won't be needed.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2014 at 9:25PM
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One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that you will need a way to pay for your own lawyer. My husband's sister went through this - SAHM, little kids, no income of her own, he cheated on her multiple times and brought her multiple STDs. She filed for divorce, but he fought her every step of the way (especially for custody, which doesn't seem like it will be an issue in your case). I think she ended up spending close to $40K in legal bills on a regular lawyer (e.g. not a high-powered lawyer from the city). Again, though, most of that was for the custody battle, which was really really bitter. Her parents funded most of it because they wanted to get her away from him with the best legal outcome possible re: custody and child support. If you don't have family with unlimited piles of cash laying around, you might want to consider how you'll come up with money to pay your lawyer -- I'm not sure what the legalities would be of opening a savings account just in your name and using some of your joint funds to fund it. But when you're doing your financial legwork, be sure to ask the lawyers how you can actually pay their fees should you proceed with the divorce.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 7:21AM
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Oh, lkplatow makes a really important point. I have a friend going through the same situation, with one minor child. Her ex is a lawyer and he has kept litigation going so that every penny of alimony, plus tens of thousands more has been spent on lawyers (he did have a lawyer at one point, but is now representing himself). The court finally sanctioned him and prevented him from filing more papers without the permission of a judge, so he started appealing to the Appeals Court. Now she has to have TWO lawyers because her divorce lawyer doesn't practice appeals. So if there is any way to squirrel away money before you act, it might be a good idea.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 11:08AM
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Divorces do not have to be mind-bogglingly expensive. Mine cost $1000 total. We both wanted out so we sat down and drew up our own agreement. We presented this to our lawyer. In truth she was MY lawyer and I showed it to her before he knew about it. She assured me I would never do better if we fought it out in court. Anyway, she filed the papers, we signed, I paid him $1 for the house and we parted ways.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 12:07PM
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I'm really sorry about your situation. Only you know who your DH is and can predict how he might handle you confronting him. Lawyering up wouldn't be my first act if I felt like we could work it out alone.

Paying Lawyers is very expensive. If you decide to leave the marriage and feel like he wants what is best for his children, I would bypass that as a first resort. You can research laws yourself.

You need to know how much money you have, where it's kept and how to access it immediately. If you have a hunch he would really leave his family destitute, you need to act on that, clearly.

But if you think you both can be rational, bringing up $$ issues first may take the focus off your relationship. You need to decide if your marriage is salvageable and if you want to salvage it. Spend $$ on couple therapy.

Good luck. You know who he really is. Make decisions based on that.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 12:21PM
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Hi everyone, Everything has come out in the open over the last few days. I don't think I should say too much in the forum but I appreciate and am taking in your support and wise words. Thank you.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 5:37PM
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thanks for the update Rosarugosa, I'm sending you good energy vibes for everything that is happening, it must be so hard.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2014 at 9:13PM
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Annie Deighnaugh

Thanks for the update. So sorry you are going through all this...stay strong!

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 8:07AM
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Oh, Rosa! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe getting it out will be the start of the healing process. I sure hope so anyway. I'll keep you and your family lifted in prayer.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 11:18AM
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It's probably best things are out in the open. I don't think you could have kept the knowledge to yourself for very long. Please let us know how things are going when you can. Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 12:19PM
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Yes, better not to have to hold all that pain inside. I hope everything works out for the best -- the best for you! I'll be thinking of you.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 12:34PM
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Thanks for taking the time to check in. With everything that must be going on just remember that we're all wishing the very best for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 8:11PM
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If you are 'ballsy' and want to take a precaution against your DH cleaning out all of your checking/saving accounts,you might want to made the first move. I worked with a woman who was getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage. She decided to make the firsts move with re:to the money situation. She didn't want to clean out all the accounts for fear of some sort of repercussion by her DH, so her decision was to take $25K in the form of a cashiers check made out to her, a thousand for each year of marriage. When she told me what she did I was shocked, but also thought she was smart. It did become part of the settlement, but she had her own money and felt more secure. She ended up moving out of the house because the arguing became too intense, and was glad she made the decision to take matters into her own hands. Just another thing to think about.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2014 at 10:12PM
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