A very sad emotional week!

zshopperFebruary 1, 2006

Hi everyone, havent been logging on in a while, just wanted to share my week. We all go on with our lives thinking our families will live on as long as we are living. Well let us not take our family or our lives for granted. You might have heard me mention my dad was sick and my mom was the lone caretaker. He has lost both his legs to diabetes after undergoing a bypass 4 years ago. Everything spiraled from that but he was home and ok to visit. He was so scared of dying and wanted to live to see our kids weddings, their new babies, etc. Also you might have remembered that my mother in law was in a nursing home too and that DH and I would be back and forth on weekends to visit. Well that has all stopped as of last week.

My dad was in the hospital with pulmonary problems and heart problems on Dec. 22. For the past month we visited everyday and fed him and helped take care of him. Tuesday I got a call that he was dying and ran to the hospital and missed him by 10 minutes. I so wanted to be with him when he passed. But that didnt happen. He died on Tues, Jan. 24. We were all picked up from my mom's house by limo on the 27th and arrived at the funeral home to say our last goodbyes and before we entered the funeral home we got a call saying my mother-in-law died. We were in shock and at that point didnt know who to mourn for? After burying my dad we had to go right back to the funeral home and make arrangements for my motherinlaw. Although we all did everything we can for them we fell just left. Each day I mourn for one at one time and the other at another. My emotions are so jumbled. I'm doing ok for now and will go to work tomorrow. If only we can never take life for granted, we are all just a breath away.

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paulines

You poor thing. I'm so, so sorry for your losses and that you couldn't be with your dad when he passed.

A dear neighbor of ours lost her son. She was at his side for two weeks straight and when it looked as if he would recover the Drs. told DN to go home and get some rest. A few hours later, her DS passed. The nurses told DN for some reason people can't move on when their loved ones are present -

I am wishing you strength and peace in the days ahead.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 10:23AM
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pecanpie

Hugs to you, zshopper. (((zshopper))) Bless your heart.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 10:37AM
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ellene613

I'm so sorry -- May G-d grant you peace and consolation.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 10:42AM
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MariposaTraicionera

I share your pain, and understand totally what you mean about not taking life for granted. Ours came suddenly but I was back in town before their journey had ended, though the passing occurred about 1 1/2 hours after I left the hospital. It's changed my life and the way I do things. Take care of yourself. It sounds to me like you all did your very best and your relatives knew they were loved and special.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 11:36AM
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cupofkindness

I'm so very sorry for all of the pain you are suffering. From what you described, you did all that you could possibly do for your parents. God bless you and your husband, and your families as well.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 1:56PM
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pirula

(((((((((((zshopper)))))))))). I am so very sorry for your losses. This is just overwhelming! I'm so glad you took the time to post here, healing has begun. You did everything you could.

Take care of yourself sweetie.

Ivette

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 6:12PM
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lackboys3

Z,

I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better right now, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace and comfort at this very difficult time.
Love and solace to your family as well.
DONNA

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 7:35PM
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reno_fan

Oh zshop! I'm so so terribly sorry. I cannot even imagine the grief and confusion. We lost my FIL in a tragic house fire this last year, and I know all too well what you're experiencing. Prayers and hugs to you and your family.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 8:30PM
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zshopper

Thanks to all of you for your compassion and consolation. All of you know how to comfort a broken heart and I want you to know it is so greatly appreciated and welcoming. Tomorrow I'll go back to work and I kind of dread it. It was where I received the phone call that my dad was dying. I know there will be many firsts I will have to endure and it will make be sad but also through all of this, I also have found many supportive loving people. Thanks again, Mary

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 8:55PM
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lori316

Mary, I'm so sorry for your losses. You certainly have had a lot of difficulty recently.

My sympathies to you. Try to remember the good times. That's how I got through those first few weeks.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 9:03PM
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gfiliberto

Mary- I am so sorry for your losses. May your beautiful memories be a comfort to you.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 9:49PM
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sawmill

Mary:
You and your husband have each other to console and that must make this overwhelming loss and grief more bearable. Your mother will have a huge transition, since she has just lost not only her husband, but her role/job as constant caregiver for your dad. You are so sad and yet you have to be strong for each other and you will be. Your father and your mother-in-law hung on to make it through the holidays for all of you and now you can release them and grieve and the burden will seem a little lighter each day.

About feeling left - these are the parents who formed your (& your husband's) early values and they would not want you to despair. Grieving takes time and patience with yourself. Don't rush; allow yourself the time to be sad and process these feelings. Getting back to work may be a good distraction, but you will have some heavy moments in the early days as you process these feelings and it will be hard to concentrate. You'll feel lighter, day by day. You've been asked to absorb a lot at once and it is confusing. We are all thinking of you on this journey and wish you both a peaceful place and a lighter heart.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 11:01PM
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meskauskas

(((((((Mary and familly)))))))
I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope that you both find comfort in each other and all of the wonderful memories you must have of your Dad and his Mom.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2006 at 11:45PM
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leahcate

Nothing ever prepares us for the death of a parent, no mater the age or circunstance; and no matter our own age, when they are both gone we are left feeling like an orphan. I'd like to reccomend Joan Didion's book, The Year of Magical Thinking. It in no way is a comforting, spiritual book, but looks death squarely in the face. It rings so true and helpes me as I learn to accept that death IS merely a part of life. She says..
"Life changes fast
Life changes in the instant
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it
Ends.
Be comforted that his life was blessed with a loving daughter, as was yours with a loving father. So many, sadly, do not spend their lives within a circle of family who love them. The recent deaths I've dealt with this year have left me keenly aware of all I have, of the life I am living now, knowing that it is true, "life changes in the instant." Heartfelt sympathy to you and your husband and families.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 1:01AM
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mitchdesj

My sincere condoleances to you and your family, an incredible set of circumstances.... It's a lot for you to bear at once; one day at a time.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 6:39AM
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paigect

(((Mary)))

I'm so sorry for your losses, and that they were compounded in this way. I can imagine that losing a parent must make one feel quite untethered. They really are the anchors in our lives, even when we are adults.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 8:53AM
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claire_de_luna

Mary, Hugs to you...I too, am so sorry for your losses, and that you are experiencing this double dose of grieving right now. You've come to a great place for support; please keep us posted on how you're doing when things settle down for you a bit.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 10:39AM
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seekingadvice

I'm so sorry, zshopper! Losing parents is something that is so difficult - it just changes your whole image of yourself in a way. My condolences to you and your dh on your losses!

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 12:23PM
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mlaj2000

My sincerest condolences to you and your family. My father died on December 8th and my fatherin law is in a nursing home for Alzheimers. He is also not doing very well.
I really sympathize with your jumbled emotions and your grief. I couldn't imagine that I would have had to plan my father in law's funeral the day I buried my own father.
I hope you and your husband can find solace and peace within each other.
May the memories of your father and mother in law remain strong in your hearts and minds. And may these memories comfort you at this difficult time

    Bookmark   February 2, 2006 at 4:09PM
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vasheri

Mary, I just read this tonight and am so very burdened for you right now. I am so hoping that you are surrounded with peace knowing you've cared for and loved your Dad and MIL the best that you could. Savor every memory. Sit down now and write all of the stories that you can remember. It's easier when we talk of those in our family that have passed on. Depression creeps up on me and makes me want to choke when I perceive a loved one has been forgotten. There is no doubt in my mind that one of the reasons that I am here is so other's won't forget.

I am lifting you up.
Sheri

    Bookmark   February 3, 2006 at 9:31PM
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joyjoy45

Mary--I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and of your mother-in-law. I have been without my parents for many years now, and I can tell you that things will get better with time. Life as I knew it did change with their passing, though (and with the passing of my in-laws whom I was fortunate enough to truly love).

Leahcate expressed many of my feelings in her post, and I plan to read the book she recommended. We knew for one entire year that my mother was terminally ill and, during that time, I came to see death very clearly as a part of life and to regard it in an entirely new way. Many aspects of my faith were clarified and strengthened.

My sympathies and condolences to you, your mother, your husband and other family. I hope that love and good memories will comfort you during this time.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 10:19PM
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zshopper

JoyJoy45
You are absolutely right and so is everyone else about death. I too saw death clearly as a part of life which is helping me get through this difficult time. I sometimes think my father didnt want to enter heaven alone and waited for someone else very sick. My sister is having a hard time as she visits the grave each day. I will when closure becomes more clear. I dont want to feel like I'm abandoning my dad in a cold place. My dad used to say he was saving things for a rainy day. I know realistically we do have to save for our old age but I do want to spend money and go places because what I have learned with all of this , we worry, wait and save and then your gone and only your memory is alive. What the heck do we worry about every minute. It doesnt seem to matter. I dont want to sound too gloomy just trying to put everything in perspective so I can grieve positively and remain strong for all my kids (4) and my husband. I thank God we had them for such a long time and I keep remembering them when I was younger. When a song plays on the radio it takes me back to when I was younger when he would come from the garden gathering his vegetables and going around the neighborhood with baskets full of his tomatoes. He was proud that his were the biggest and the best. When the crop was too big the kids had tomato stands instead of lemondade stands. I guess his life was simple but it was community and love.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2006 at 6:02PM
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joyjoy45

Your dad sounds very much like my own. My parents began their family (I am the youngest of eight) during the Great Depression and they always, always saved for a rainy day. They gardened and shared, too, and they were proud when their hard work produced "the best" whatever. Their life together was simple, yet very full. I am proud--and very grateful--that they were my parents, and I can just see that you feel the same way about your Dad.

You have not abandoned him at all. It is obvious that he is very much with you and that he will always be held close in your heart.

"Hope is grief's best music"----a quote I read recently. And how true. How fortunate we are to have the very real hope of some day being with the ones we have loved so much in this life.

Hugs to you, Mary, and to your sister. I'm thinking of your DH, too. God bless. ~Joy

    Bookmark   February 6, 2006 at 4:54AM
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