All I can do is cry.......

grannyicuDecember 5, 2006

Ok the closer it gets to the hoildays, the sadder I get. My son's birthday is dec.10 .he passed a way april 4 2 weeks before he was to marry, his girlfriend also passed away 4 mo after he did. My son was only 30 years old, died of massive heart attack that was dz on his dads side. Nothing they could have done. His heart looked like a 92 year old man. I didn't put up a tree last year and I can't put one up this year. My DD is a little upset with me she has 3 kids and said I needed to put up a tree. ( why there not coming to my house) Any way any one else fill this way I just can't do it yet.........

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but you could put some kind of miniture/table top tree. do you have any toys from dd or ds? i'd use them. or a picture tree, of the entire family.

don't be afraid to celebrate. you're not dis-honoring or grieving any less...

    Bookmark   December 6, 2006 at 10:05PM
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Grannyicu, I too cannot have anything to do with Christmas. My husband died last year, and the thought of being festive just tears me apart. We are stuck in a completely different time from the rest of the world, and it is so unfair that people try to drag us into their festive calendar. Last Christmas was my first Christmas without my husband. Everyone went about celebrating Christmas. I just wanted someone to stop, and sit with me in my agony. Noone stopped. I could not be force fed turkey and trimmings. This year will be the same. Only this year, I have put it to friends and family that I need someone to stop, and just sit with me and cook me a stew and go for a walk with me. Every single person has made some sort of excuse, so I will be having an unbearable day alone. When people tell you that you should not be afraid to celebrate, they are completely oppressing your agony. I have had such a response too. I have been told to stop punishing myself. But actually it is those very people who are punishing me by trying to have me suppress my agony, and just join in with the festivities. I choose to honour my own grief, and I hope you do too. I hope your DD takes a little time out to witness your pain at this awful time. I hope you are not punished for being overwhelmed with grief. I will think about you on Christmas day, and maybe we will both feel a little less isolated. A BIG HUG!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2006 at 11:15AM
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I'm so sorry you are hurting so. I guess I think you should do what you want to do and what you feel like doing. I have forced myself to go through some motions with holidays for the sake of others in my family. I didn't want to ruin their joy. But I've taken the time I need also to expect less out of myself where all of the work is concerned and to cry whenever I feel like it. What would your son and his girlfriend want you to do? What would honor them? Can you come up with a new way to pass the day and remember them? For some people, they just go through the motions and they feel a little better afterwards. Is not participating in your traditions going to make you feel better? I think the real grief is the time leading up to the event. All of the thinking, and remembering, and longing for your loved one. When the day actually arrives, you just get through it. You've really already done all of the emotional work. Do what feels right to you. So many of us have lost loved ones and find the holidays so hard to get through. There are holes in our lives that will NEVER be filled. You are not dishonoring him by continuing traditions. But don't force yourself to if you cannot bear it. Do what you can do.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2006 at 11:05PM
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hi ((())) I seek to give you compassion. my darling dad died this aug. my mom isnt going to put a thing up, she wont go into any stores right now,- its too cheerful, too painful for her to go in. My dad propsed to her on x-mas eve. It is going to be so painful for her. its so painful for me. Mom and I didnt like celebrating thanksgiving, but we went thru the motions at a friends house. i have 9 year old twin girls, they are getting frustrated with me that we havent put up the tree yet. ( we will today)
the depression is so bad, i guess we have to put on a smile face for the rest of the folks. my advice to you after you hearing my story, is for you to do as you please*((((()))))) you dont have to put up the decorations yet ((())) my mom and you dont have to do what you dont want to do. I support you , you take your time with this ((())))

    Bookmark   December 9, 2006 at 12:43PM
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Nell Jean

My son told me once, when I was trying to make Christmas 'perfect' -- "Mom, you expect too much." Since his death, I've come to expect less of myself as well as others.

I had a letter from someone dear to me, who has a son born the same year as mine. My son is dead; hers just spent a year in Iraq. Her husband has an incurable lung condition and is housebound; mine grieves for our child, but he's still going. I could go on and on about the parallels of our lives. Nobody has a perfect life. We all do the best we can.

It's okay to do or not do. Change your traditions. What's not fair is to allow your grief make the precious children and grands that you still have, miserable. Find a support group. This time of year most every town has some kind of seminar on grief. Call your newspaper, your local hospice, the funeral home; ask around, help is out there. You don't have to do this alone, but your support group needs to be willing, not relatives and friends who really are not sure just what it is that you need.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2006 at 7:20PM
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To she who sees Granny,

I grieve with you; I tend to have a spiritual take on things like this. First, I think you need to honor yourself- do what you need to do for yourself. If you do not take care of your needs you cannot be there for your daughter and grandkids. Take your time for you. Perhaps it is time to do something different -- just for you (or if you still have your husband the two of you). Go away somewhere, if you have the means, to find some peace and some spark of happiness in life.

You did get to see your son grow into a man, and tragic as his loss and the loss of his fiance are - I would beleive that they are together in love.

Surely you know enough of your son, the man, to know how much love he has for you. His love, i cannot help but believe, would want you to have whatever happiness you can in this world, in the years left to you.

Then, for me personally, Christmas trees and evergreen branches are far older than Christmas itself. For centuries, bringing such evergreens into the house has been a way to remind us in the depth of winter that there is always hope for spring and new life. Life is eternal. Greenery celebrates that. The smell of fresh evergreens always reminds me of hope and eternal life; I leave you with that thought. Perhaps you dont want to put up the tree with ornaments of the past, your loss is still to near -- but perhaps, some fresh boughs?

Maybe you can find a way to see in those grandchildren of yours something of the kinship of spirit with your son. Stories of him (in the next few years) will live on, and his legacy will not be forgotten.

Also, you are still alive. your son taught you many things in those thirty years of life. In teaching those lessons to the next generation, you will be ensuring that your son's life is honored and passed on.

Finally, think about the person in your life who gave you the most advice -- was it YOUR granny? Ask yourself, what would they advise you to do. How would they want you to experience life?

I grieve with you; but I also wish you happy holidays -- however you chose to honor the season!

    Bookmark   December 13, 2006 at 4:08PM
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How I feel your pain! You, Dear One, are in a state of shock, and absolutely no one on earth has a right to criticize your actions or question your motives. DD needs to develop some sensitivity instead of pushing you to do the old traditional things. She needs to see that everything is different now, because this kind of grief alters the way you live your life. In time you will want to celebrate Christmas again, albeit in different ways. You may even decide to take trips at Christmas instead of subjecting yourself to the barrage of memories, all wonderful and painful at the same time. Don't force yourself to go through the motions; you will resent everything you have to do. Let someone else carry on this year, while you try to remember how to breathe. And please know that I'm carrying you in my heart this year, because my precious DH died suddenly last year and I KNOW how you feel.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 2:38PM
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My Dad died the week before Christmas, in 1995.

It was horrible, as you can imagine, and I had two small children at that time. I struggled through Christmas, I felt the joy that came from my children. I saw them as the happy future, the only pleasure I could feel, at that time, was in being with them. Buying them presents, spoiling them. It made me feel good and it sure made them feel good !

What made the grief easier, for me, was doing things for them. Perhaps that might help others. I think it important to think of the future and be good to yourself. Make a fuss about yourself. Also tell people, around you, what they can do to help you, and to make you feel better.

I think going through the motions of Christmas, made me feel a little better, it brought some joy in my life, which is what I needed.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 2:17AM
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I am right there with you. My brother committed suicide last month and frankly, I am not ready to be in the Holiday spirit.

To compound everything, my dad died just ten years ago on 12/21/06. Christmas is not a season for celebration for everyone.

I did read in the paper that a church realized this and celebrates "Blue Christmas". The church is not decorated with pointsettes (sp?), but with a simple bundle of bare branches to symbolize the emptiness and bareness of those that are depressed during the holidays. I think this is important.

I realise that I have lost a very important part of my life, but during this season others have also lost jobs, marriages, children/friends to drugs or alchohol etc.

So, for once I'm trying to be more forgiving when others are mean, or short-tempered or simply not being kind, because I don't know what kind of pain they might be suffering that causes them to act that way.

I have to think that way because, if I think the worst of them....I just fall into deeper depression. That's not what my brother would of expected of me.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2006 at 10:50PM
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My daughter was killed on April 5, 1998. We have chosen to put up a tree each year, but we do it in memory of her.
We used to have a huge, live tree with colorful decorations etc. Since she left, we have a tree with all white lights, silver and white decorations and 19 white roses in memory of her 19 years with us. We also have a special silver or crystal decoration for each of our grandchildren and a flower in memory of my mom.
Just an idea for you for next year.
I'm so sorry about your son's death. I know it is so hard, but it does get better. It's been 8 years for us. You will survive.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2006 at 10:06PM
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