Waiting for the inevitable

gerinaDecember 6, 2009

I feel like a bit of a mess today. My mom has been seriously ill for sometime, and each time I was told she would die, she somehow pulled a rabbit out of her hat and survived. She actually graduated out of hospice last March.

She got a cold/ pneumonia a few weeks ago and hospice was brought back into the picture. I didn't think she'd recover, but she shook it and her lungs are clear; however, I received a call from hospice last night because she is in decline and they think it's a UTI. They keep telling me that she is going to be fine, but I know it won't be this time. I think her kidney's are probably shutting down. I spent the night at her care home and I slept on the floor next to her in a sleeping bag. She is terribly, terribly thin. I could literally see the bones, ligaments and capillaries in her hands through her transparent skin.

It was her birthday two days ago and my late dad's is today. He died at Christmas six years ago and it appears she is going to do the same. Last December they told me she'd be gone by Christmas. I guess there's nothing to say and I'm just very sad. I look forward to loving the holidays again. Maybe next year.

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I'm so sorry.

I think people sometimes "stay around" to be here for a significant date or event, like their birthday or an anniversary, or maybe to see a child or grandchild.

She sounds like a remarkably strong woman;
love on her while you can.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 3:31PM
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Thank you Sylvia. I just came from seeing her. She said she is ready to go, but afraid. We had good moments, me talking and her nodding. The hospice nurse thinks she'll be gone by the weekend because everything is shutting down. I apologized for making her angry all of the time and then she smacked her lips together for a kiss. It is hard and it is sad, but I know it's for the best. I must say that I can't believe both of my parents had to choose the holidays for their departures. Uuuugh.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 11:48PM
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I pray that you and your mom both soon find peace, Gerina. Sometimes it is just giving her permission to leave and telling her that you love her.

I always thought that losing a loved one during the holidays would be so horrible, that it would fill them with sadness but you know, it really makes no difference. I lost my mom in July, the holidays are just as sad and I miss her just as much as if she had died on Christmas Eve. My thoughts for a blessed holiday are coming your way.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 3:30PM
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How're things going?

I think you're getting ahead of yourself grieving for future Christmases...

You can *always* "re-claim" Christmas, or anything else, by filling in the space occupied by grief with something happy/joyous, so just concentrate on your dear mother for now.

Her saying she's afraid would bother me;
you might get her pastor or somebody to call on her, or get counsel from the people at the hospice, but whatever you do, reassure her that there's nothing to be afraid of, that she'll be going to her people & that you know she'll be there to welcome you when you come across.

*Many* people "choose" the time between Thanksgiving & Christmas to leave;
I think it's a combination of wanting to see one more Christmas & the shorter days & longer nights.

Maybe it's easier to let go when the more dark night hours are longer.

holding you & your mom in my thoughts & in my heart.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 4:56PM
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As Sylvia already knows, because of my angry post on the step family site, my mom passed two days after this initial post and her funeral was last week. It actually went well.

The entire thing was like an encore performance from when my dad died, as they died one week apart and had both just had their December birthdays (same ages too and passed at the exact same time of the morning).

Part of it isn't as bad as when I lost my dad because his death was unexpected and she was so ill for so long. I am going between feeling crumby to feeling like nothing has changed (again she was very ill and not participating much in my life). It's just crappy because it's the holidays again, I have no kids, and my only sibling is also dead.

I guess it is what it is and I've been through this drill before and I know what it takes; and that is time.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 11:42AM
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sorry, gerina, I didn't realize I was "talking" to you in both places.

Again, I'm so sorry for you loss.

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 4:03PM
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Hi Sylvia,

I am the one who was so angry about my DH and SD25 for their rude, insensitivity and thoughtless behavior. I still never received a phone call nor sympathy card from SD and I never bothered to say anything to him about it. It just wasn't worth barking up that tree with him because he was really trying his very best to support me in every other way during this difficult time.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 6:04PM
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