so lost without my dear husband

thunder1December 24, 2009

I am sitting here on christmas eve day lost. I lost my once in a life time love on Dec 15, 2009. It was his 41st birthday. we had only found out 2 weeks before that of his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. Even the dr's were in disbelief how fast it went.

I am still trying to absorb the word 'cancer' and yet it has been 10 days since I lost him. We were together for 10 years and we loved hard. We had so many friends and family tell us we were an inspiration and we acted as newly weds always. He was my true soul mate and we were sooo happy.

I do have 2 beautiful girls 15 and 7 to go on for. I will go on for them, but inside I am empty. Feelings of never wanting to leave the house, never being able to truly laugh or have fun again. I will never be the same, the gaping hole in my heart will never heal, it may scab over, but the scab will be ripped off time and time again.

I have spent time ready through many of the posts. I do not feel as alone, which I did through all of this. so many of the feelings are exactly what I am feeling or thinking. But yet, I still feel alone. No matter how many wonderful family and friends a person has, at the end of the day, I still go to bed alone, longing for my amazing husband to hold me and reassure me it will be ok, as he always did.

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I'm so sorry, thunder.

Hold those girls, & remember the wonderful years you had him.

    Bookmark   December 24, 2009 at 5:29PM
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I'm sorry for your loss Thunder. I can't even imagine how in shock you must be and how much you are probably still processing the diagnosis.

My mom was buried the day before you lost your soul mate and my dad passed away a few years ago on 12/16. They both passed just a few days after their b-days. If losing a loved one isn't already rough, this time of year just compounds it.

I know it gets better with time, but I feel kind of poopie right now and I bet you do too. Hang in there because tomorrow is a new day.

    Bookmark   December 24, 2009 at 10:56PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Here is a wonderful site for widows/ers:

    Bookmark   December 24, 2009 at 11:02PM
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thunder, other than ages and time together, your post could have been written by me.

it has been 2 years since i lost my "once in a lifetime love" (words that are etched on his headstone). we were inseparable for 11 years, we completed each others sentences, we craved hot chocolate at the same exact time without a word being spoken. for 11 years, my heart skipped a beat each time i heard his voice on the phone or he walked in the back door.

i, too, am so alone in my grief. even after 2 years, i still wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. those feelings have not lessened over 2 years although they have become a little more fleeting. sometimes i wonder if i will ever be happy again. i don't see how that can happen. even the impending marriage of my son, while i should be thrilled (and i am), saddens me because gary won't be here to share the happiness.

i am so sorry for your loss. i know only too well the feelings you are going through. i tried counseling, it didn't help. i tried medications, that only made it worse. it seems that nothing i do helps so for now, i live with it.

i went to the cemetery last night at 11:00. i sat in the dark and cried like a baby. how is it fair that we have to now go through life without the most important person IN our lives?

i keep telling myself to give it more time. i have no other choice so that is what i'm doing. the first few months after gary's death, i lived minute to minute. then it became hour to hour and then day to day. not a minute of any day goes by that i don't think about him and miss him and wish he was still here.

you are still in shock, your loss is so fresh. in time, you will learn to deal with it but for now, let the tears come. you are more than welcome to e-mail me privately. oftentimes, it helps to "talk" to someone in your shoes.

God bless,

    Bookmark   December 25, 2009 at 7:46AM
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thank you all for your kind words. I too feel that many posts could have been written by me. so sad we all have to go through this, not fair. our girls had a wonderful christmas day and I put on a smile and was excited for them. I am glad the weather is so bad and we our christmas with family has been postponed, i am content in my pj's and staying home. so hard to show up at all our christmas's with a smile, but dont want it to be about 'poor me' either.
hope everyone is getting through the holidays.

    Bookmark   December 25, 2009 at 11:50AM
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Dear Thunder,
I too lost my darling husband of 37 years to pancreatic cancer on Thanksgiving day 2006, however, I was fortunate to have him for 18 months after his diagnosis. Those months were the worst of his and my life, to watch him die by inches. It has been three years now and I can tell you that the pain does ease with time. I think of him every waking minute and what we are both missing. I know the pain in your soul will never go away but memories get to be warmer after a time, you will cry less but you will still cry and those cries can be very cathartic.Our children will always keep us grounded,they are grieving with us.
I talk to God a lot and ask him to have my sweet love waiting for me when I (hopefully) arrive in His Kingdom.
God Bless you and your family.

    Bookmark   December 25, 2009 at 8:40PM
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Thunder, I lost my husband 4 months ago, in an accident, a summer thunderstorm at the lake. I can tell you, as others have told you and also told me, your grief is still very fresh. It does get better. I used to measure my days by how many times a day I cried. Now I can go several days without crying, or only crying if I allow myself too.

What helps me is that I think of grief like labor (you know, having a baby)-it's going to be what it's going to be. I don't have control of it. My job is to stay ahead of the pain, and be ready when it happens. And it will happen, but then it will pass. The pain is my body's way of doing the work it needs to do to bring something new into the world.

I just checked out the web site that someone above mentioned and you should check it out. Through this, I have felt, while I appreciate that everyone's grief hurts, that somehow being young (OK, its a relative term!)losing your spouse suddenly and unexpectedly, has its own set of issues. I wished for something that was for me, in that category. While this website isn't exactly that, it's close enough.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2009 at 12:38AM
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I lost the love of my life on December 15, 2002 and to this day, I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart and life. My husband was 49 years old when he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. For 10 months, we fought to save his life but there was little hope from the day of diagnosis. It's been seven years now and I miss him like it was only yesterday that he left my side.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2009 at 2:35PM
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I know, I know. What helps me is knowing that the loved one I lost would not want me to be feeling so devestated. He would be thinking that it's bad enough that he's not here anymore, but it would be so much worse for him to feel guilty about leaving me.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2009 at 12:59AM
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Don't know if I can be much help but I lost my very special husband in 1985. Kissed me goodbye & went to work, I found myself at a hospital that afternoon, waiting only to finally have someone come in & say, I'm sorry, do you have a mortician(at least that is all I heard)So my trip has been long,24 years. He had a coronary & died instantly. We had 15 yr old DD & 17 yr DS.It was like being put on a stage & handed a script & told you had to play the part. Nothing was real until after everyone left. I had visited a lot of elderly people from church & knew what happened to some of them. They very nearly "crawled in a hole"(under the cover in bed) 1 lady had newspapers all over the yard, shades or curtains drawn, didn't look like anyone home, we had turned to leave when she opened the door. She told me that was the 1st connection to the world she had found since her hubby had died, our visit gave her courage to get out. I remembered that & told myself, what if he were sitting here, would he want to see me crying, would he be torn apart to see me like this, so I just put him in the picture when the going got rough. He was always supportive & loving, we didn't fight in the 22 years we were together because we didn't want to hurt each other. We did have I think 6 times we were silent when each of us thought we were right. Those few times ended with us talking it over & deciding together what to do. I did lot of locking myself out of house(carried extra car & house keys in my purse) ran washer without any clothes in it, couldn't spell 4-5 letter words, couldn't look them up as "when" didn't seem to compute in my brain. I'd write woo, woen,just couldn't write small words. Eventually that stopped but it will start up again for short periods when someone close dies. I carry extra $20 in case I forget gas in my car. I learned to do a lot of compensating. I learned that I could stay in bed 1 day if it was rainy or very cold but then I must get up & fix myself some hot choc., read a book, listen to favorite music, couldn't let it continue into the night. I had to have very good reason for that day off. Rest of time when I wanted to "disappear" I forced myself out to a strip mall to watch people leaving the grocery store, did small errand to get it done & not feel useless, maybe just dropping letters off at post office. If things got bad I called my bro. & he listened & that was a great help. I had people wanting me to pay for headstones when I hadn't ordered 1. I got cheated by ins. company as they didn't leave me amount on their letterhead so I wrote it down & had him sign it but they told me I was wrong,lost about $500 on that. Got so I only cried when something good happened. So have a trusted friend or relative as a witness to anything legal you have to do. Time passed & I kept busy. People think widows have all kinds of time!! Right, I had to do all things I always had & what he did also. Putting gas in car was very upsetting, I had never done it. I had handled the bills & such so didn't have to learn that. My kids left home & after a few years, with some wandering & number of jobs, they are great kids(they felt pretty lost, too)Am I over it after 24 yrs??? No, most days I just think of him several times, lovely memories, but seeing a couple holding hands, leaning on each other, I feel cheated out of that. I'm very grateful we had 24 wonderful years together & hope someday to see him waiting for me.Good Luck folks, the pain & rawness does get better & the memories are sweet & worth holding on to & will get you through.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2010 at 3:52AM
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Thanks so much for all your kind words and your own stories of this horrible journey.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2010 at 8:34PM
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My friend mentioned to me she had occasional uncomfortable feeling after she ate, said it had gone on for 6 months, this was very active lady, she rode her bike to the park to our craft club. I told her she should go to dr. & insist on upper & lower GI tests. She made the appointment, attended my folks 60th wedding anniversary on Sun. afternoon. Was dead mon. morning. Her DH found out from autopsy that she had pancreatic cancer so went with very little pain. My neighbor found out & was told he had 3 months. Good looking, healthy male except for smoking, very trim, nurse for a wife. He lived about 8 months & last 3 days were miserable. Very odd disease & seems to be affecting lot more people these days. So if you have vague discomfort you need to get to dr right away. Hopefully it is gall bladder & they can do bandaid surgery. Just thought folks should know about symptoms of this disease.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2010 at 2:18AM
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I'm so sorry. My husband of 14 years died suddenly at age 42 six days ago. We too were like newly weds. A woman just came up to us a couple of weeks ago and said "You two sure look like you enjoy each other." It was such a compliment and so true. We felt like the luckiest pair on Earth. His funeral was yesterday. The loss of him hurts. I keep talking to him. Telling him it hurts. It hurts so bad. We have three children so I'm trying my best to get through every day but it's hard. It's hard to breath sometimes.

    Bookmark   February 5, 2010 at 8:30PM
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My mother just lost her husband a week ago and I feel as though I know not the words to say, I am hurting as well, just like you said a hole in the heart. I am sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2010 at 9:38PM
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Thunder and all who have posted about losses on this thread, I'm so sorry for the losses you all have suffered.

    Bookmark   February 19, 2010 at 11:56AM
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I know how your feeling. I lost my husband of 36 years to pancreatic cancer May 19th. I am also lost. I can be with people but yet so alone. All our hopes and dreams are gone with him, it's just one day at a time and nothing to hope for. People say oh you are so lucky to have had 36 years but it's not enough never enough. I was married at 17 my life is with him and without him there is no meaning.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2011 at 9:18PM
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To all of you dear ladies who have lost their men, I too feel your pain. I lost mine to lung cancer. It was only 6 months after he was diagnosed. Such a horrible thing to watch someone struggle to breathe. I watched him take his last breath and was the last to see his beautiful brown eyes. I am glad I was the one but at the same time the sight of it still haunts me.

This Saturday, March 19th will be two years since his passing. I thought it would be easier this year. At least I didn't cry the whole previous month and all of this month like I did last year.

There will never be another love for me like him. We loved, we fought, we went through hard times and good, and through all of it, I was glad it was him by my side.

Jacob, my baby, I still miss you so much.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 9:57PM
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I last posted on this thread Dec. 25, 2009. I am 4 years and 4 months without my DH, life is a litle easier but there is hardly a minute of the day that I don't think about him. We were together for 41 years, married 37 and you can't put that aside if you were truly in love.I still get scared when I think about living the rest of my life without him. I am 67, my mom is 93 next month and she was widowed at 57, I don't know how she has managed to go on. Every day is a struggle but someone said in their post that our loved ones would be heartbroken to think we are having such a hard time so I try to keep myself uplifted for him.
I love you sweetheart, don't worry about me.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 3:34PM
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in november, i passed the 3 year mark. still, not a day goes by that i don't think about gary and miss him SO much. i see i am not at all alone with my grief, that others feel this way, even years later. somehow, that is a comfort to me.

i will share this little story with you and hope it brings a smile to your face...

i have been having some back problems, seeing a spine doctor, hoping i won't be facing surgery any time soon, have sort of been feeling a little sorry for myself. i have spent every waking moment lately wishing gary was here to comfort me, help me through all of this.

a few days ago, i decided i would be more comfortable if i could sit at the kitchen sink while i prepare meals for my dogs so, i went out to the storage shed and dug around until i found this stool i had not seen in probably 7 or 8 years, at least...

looks pretty ordinary, huh? nothing special, just a little stool i picked up at wal-mart some time or other. so, i got busy cleaning it up, washing the cobwebs off, getting rid of the little spider nests. ugh! when i turned it upside down to wash the bottom of the legs, i found this...

without fail, i get signs from gary when i need them the most. look at the date...he did this 11 years ago! those were our "pet names" for each other. gary used to leave me little sticky notes all the time. he always drew a heart on them, wrote "i love you" or a smiley face, just something for me to find sometime during the day. i have every single one of them saved in a little scrapbook.

when i saw this, i gasped out loud and through my pain, laughed until i cried. obviously, this man i love with all my heart and soul still watches over me, every single day. i treasure these little things i have found over the past 3+ years. i could write a book of all of the signs i have gotten from gary. the phrase inside the heart is something gary carved into everything he built out here. it is carved into the wood on the deck, in the hitching post i used to use for my horse, on shelves he built for my model horse collection. but, this is the ONLY time i have EVER found this on something that he did not build himself. coincidence? i think not! ;)

    Bookmark   March 18, 2011 at 7:45PM
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