my beloved grandfather is gone, what do i do now

bloodhoundmommaDecember 19, 2009

My grandfather passed away in March of this year, my grandmother then came to stay with us, she is a double amputee who has diabetes and dementia. My grandfather was more like my dad and my best friend, he raised me right by his side, he was loved by many people. He was in the national guard and about 3 weeks before he passed he was given the warrant officer award at the guard, that was one of his proudest moments. He had been in the hospital with an infection in his feet, which eventually lead to sepsis and pneumonia, I was there as they took out his breathing tube, and as soon as they did he took one last breath and passed away right then. I have never been so devastated in my life. We live right behind his house and everytime I ride by I expect to see the light on, but it is never on. The light in my heart feels as if it has gone out too. I have 2 small children, and my son cries all the time, he was very close to him too. My grandmother is doing ok, she requires 24 hour attention so it keeps me busy, but when I am alone, all I can do is cry, I am on antidepressants but they don't help, what do I do now??????

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A support group would help along with some grief counseling. Another thing that might help is to start a scrap book with pictures, ideas and memories of what you did, when both the happy and sad times. Antidepressants are not always the answer, talking, remembering is better. Do you get support from your spouse? How old is your son that he cries too much. Most children bounce back unless they witness too much depression from the adults. Try laughing and remembering. Also maybe the grandmother should be someplace where she could get the help and you could get some rest. You cannot give her the 24 hour care and deprive your family, who should come first.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2009 at 6:02PM
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I'm so sorry.

I think Marie is on the right track;
caring for a completely dependent elderly person is extremely strenuous.

Even if you're getting it done, it's at great cost to you & to your children, & the stress will eventually become too great.

Investigate such things as adult day care & caregivers who will come to your home to give you a chance to get out.

Gardenweb has a very nice, very helpful Caregivers forum where you might get some info.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 4:07PM
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I wish we could afford to put her someplace nice, but she makes to much money to qualify for medicaid but not enough to pay for a home. My son is 10 and he misses my grandfather so much. I have gotten him an appointment with a psychiatrist because he is acting out in school and at home. I can't even speak my poppa's name without breaking down and crying, I feel silly because it has been since March, but it is killing me that he is not here........i love my husband but i don't know that i can ever love a man they way i loved him, he was my grandfather, my caretaker, and my best friend. He was very close to my husband also and he misses him so much too, but can only drink to try and get over the pain...which doesn't help, just makes things worse. I am so sad......

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 10:43PM
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tonight is a bad night I have cried all night, i miss him so much and everytime i close my eyes all i see is him taking his last breath and his heart stopping, but then you wonder if it was because of the morpine drip they had him on, but for him to go so quickly i don't think it was. I think what bothers me most is that the few days before he was trying to tell me something and because of all the tubes and he was hoarse i couldn't understand him, it haunts me to the core wondering what he was trying to tell me, i don't know how to cope, i miss him so, i have never missed anything or anyone as much as him...........i know i need to get some help, i take anti axiety drugs to calm me but they don't seem to help.........i guess it just takes time. sorry for going on and on but it feels better to get it out...thanks for letting me.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2010 at 11:32PM
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Bloodhoundmomma, I hope that you will seek help from your church family, if you have one. There is a national org called griefshares that meets in churchs, this may be a blessing to you. I know it is hard but you must take care of you first. It's like on the plane, Put your oxygen mask on first then your companion. Your husband and children need you first and foremost. Especially your son who seems to be taking it hard. hugs to you and blessings

    Bookmark   January 8, 2010 at 2:35PM
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Bloodhoundmomma, your grandfather raised you "right by his side," and he is at your side still. You need to think about what he would like to see you doing right now, and do your best to live your life the way he would want you to. You have a chance to make him as happy and proud of you in his present form as he was on this earth.

You said drinking doesn't help--it makes things worse. Therefore, there's no reason to continue drinking. It certainly isn't what your grandfather wants for you.

You also said the antidepressants aren't helping. In that case, talk to your doctor about weaning yourself off them. Sometimes they can be stopped abruptly, but usually not.

Then think of what else you can do to live the way your grandfather would want. I'm sure he would want you to help your children get through this sad time. And he wouldn't want you to be overwhelmed, so don't hesitate to ask for help (as suggested by others in this thread).

    Bookmark   January 10, 2010 at 9:27AM
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I am settled on a mild antidepressant now, but still unsure whether it is really helping. My husband has quit drinking, 3 weeks, now. I only drink socially, margharita at a mexican restaraunt is about the extent of my drinking. My son is taking an anger management class at school, but I think I am going to go ahead and make him an appt with someone to talk because he is dreaming now, the other night he sobbed for a solid 30 minutes after dreaming of my poppa, and he worries about every little thing, he is scared he is going to die, this can't be right for a 10 year old child.
March 16th will be one year since he passed, I still struggle, but am trying to be strong for him and my daughter. It's funny and silly but I have a small dog who used to love going down to his house and sit with him and get treats, and now we are trying to clean the house up, and she will not set foot in the house, if we pick her up and take her in she whines and scratches at the door the whole time, weird, i don't know why she does this...just strange. I talk to him all the time and catch myself sometimes talking to him at random times, but it actually helps me i think...not sure, maybe not. Anyway thanks everyone for the advice!!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2010 at 9:01PM
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