My husband died November 12th

marilyn0777December 28, 2011

My husband died unexpectedly 46 days ago. I am overcome with such sadness and pain that I feel stuck. I don't want to leave the house and the holidays have been difficult. I have many friends who mean well, but all I want to do is be alone. This grieving process is devastating to me. I lost my devoted husband and my very best friend. I am lost without him. Anyone have similar experiences? I'd really like to know what helped you get through all of this.

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I didn't lose my husband but I lost my son just a bit over 5 months ago. My world has been turned upside down and I still am unable to do certain things. 46 days is not a long time, so don't beat yourself up for not being able to do anything. Just yesterday and the day before I did not want to talk to anybody and spent more time in bed than I did out of bed. Even when I wasn't in bed I didn't care to speak to anyone...including my husband. Christmas Day was hard, but the two days after were horrible. Today I am trying to pull myself together so I can work. I don't know that I can but will try and if I don't make it I will try again tomorrow.
I realized after Thanksgiving that the actual holiday is hard, but the days after I get backlash. And that's harder.
Just give yourself some time to grieve, you didn't say how long you'd been married but I don't think that really matters. What matters is that you lost the one you loved and he is no longer there to share things with.
I have found that writing to my son and telling him things helps me some. I still cry everyday and will probably cry everyday until I am no longer on this Earth.
The doctor has prescribed several different anti-anxiety meds that have all made me sick and he has now prescribed Prozac and I don't want to take it. I am waiting for the other meds to get out of my system before I give it a try. If it doesn't work I will go at this without anything if I have to. Talk to your doctor about something for the anxiety you are experiencing. I tried exercise when my son first died and it helped some but no longer helps at all.
People grieve in different ways. So do what you have to do in order to find peace within yourself, but cut yourself some slack. Find a grief counseling group when you are ready.
Good luck, I am thinking about you...

    Bookmark   December 28, 2011 at 11:57AM
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Thank you for your post. We were together for 29 years. I lost my dad in 2003 and my little brother in 2004, but nothing compares to this. You are right. The days after the holidays are worst. I am not looking forward to the new year. My first year without Malcolm.

It's fear that has me stuck. Fear of a lifetime without him. I am only 56 years old...

    Bookmark   December 28, 2011 at 12:29PM
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Hi Marilyn,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my DH Sept 4th, just 4 months ago. It's still very hard and I still can't believe it. I go to a griefshare group, which helps some, I read books about widowhood. You can email me if you want to talk.
Everyone says it will get easier, time will tell.

here is another place to get aquainted with other widows.

Here is a link that might be useful: widowed village

    Bookmark   December 28, 2011 at 1:59PM
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I understand. Just when I feel like I have started to move forward, I feel like I take 3 steps backwards.
I've had people say things that were hurtful out of their own grief. One person who lost their mother said that a person who loses a child can have another child, and a person who loses a spouse can get another spouse, but they could never get another mother. Grief can make a person say and do really odd things. I had one person say that I felt relief because I no longer had to care for my son who had special needs. That could not have been more untrue, I would give anything to take him to work, I would gladly sit for a day at the doctor's office instead of going to the cemetery.
Do what you feel is best for you. Give yourself time. A friend of mine who lost her husband and son in a horrible crash and had another son whose back was broken in the crash, tells me that I am on a grief journey and that it is very long. I am a little bit further into my grief journey than you are and we will surely take different paths, but we have both lost someone we loved dearly. I am 53 and cannot have anymore children, not that another child could ever take the place of my son.
I hope for you that the fear will pass, and that you will begin to feel better, but please do not be so hard on yourself. You have endured something no one should have to and you need time to heal. Accept your friends' offers of food or even a shoulder to cry on. I had a few who were there for me even when my siblings were not.
I say all this as I sit here trying to work up the courage to do some work today...

    Bookmark   December 28, 2011 at 2:05PM
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Good evening Marilyn- I became a widow on August 23th when my husband of 41 yrs. died of cancer. I'm having a tough time,too! I don't want to go anywhere, eating alot of junk food, jammies somedays are my favorite clothes. Things I used to love to do, I hate. I'm so lonely ,especially at nite. My kids are trying to go on with their own lifes and I feel some days like a bother to them. I'm 63 yrs. old and I feel some days like 100. i've gone to grieve classes, but I think hopefully time will help some. Take care-I care! Alanna

    Bookmark   December 30, 2011 at 11:30PM
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I lost my mom... She was my best friend and biggest fan. So many things you never realized about the one you lost until they are gone.

I have so many mixed emotions over losing her. I never felt the pain and grief when my father died as I am feeling with the loss of my mom.

I am sorry for your loss and I hope someday you will find some kind of happiness to help relive the pain of your loss.


    Bookmark   December 31, 2011 at 12:08AM
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I have learned so much about the grieving process and there is no easy around it. It simply takes time and the amount of time is different for everyone. You're going to feel anger, heartache, depression and a myriad of other emotions that have no rhyme or reason. Give yourself some time. Not days, not weeks, there is no time limit and you are never the same as you were before. You will be happy again and you will find comfort in the memories. I am so very sorry for your loss!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2012 at 9:19AM
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I understand what you are going through. I lost my husband suddenly on November 6, 2008 (just a little over a month before our 32nd wedding anniversary. The 1st year was the hardest (I don't even remember much about that year). All the 1st events (birthday, holiday, etc.). I was on cymbalata for 1 1/2 years and I did talk to a counselor. Both these things helped me. I am not on any meds now nor do I talk with a counselor. It has gotten a little easier and I am now at the point where I feel like I am willing to try and date again.

I have one son who is married with 3 children. The grandchildren helped me keep me somewhat sane in the 1st year.

What helps with me also is that he is not in the awful pain that he was in anymore. He had Ankylosing spondylitis. He went in the hospital on a Tuesday thinking he had a urinary tract infection and was gone by Thursday (his liver and kidneys shut down).


    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 11:35AM
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I think all of you women are so strong. My husband's 43rd birthday is tomorrow and I honestly cannot imagine life without him. The strength and wisdom you share with us is received with open arms and I hope that you all continue to find what makes you feel complete.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2012 at 6:10PM
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My prayers are with all who suffered a loss, especially of a husband. I've been married 39 years and he is the love of my life.

Marilyn - I did a double take on your profile - my BD is December 30 too. Thinking of you, praying for you.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2012 at 5:33PM
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