Will the pain ever go away?

knb_2009December 3, 2009

I recently lost my dad who was 57. I'm 23 years old and was here the day he passed away suddenly. He had gone to the ER the night before and they had sent him home saying he had an anxiety attack. He in fact had a heart attack but they misdiagnosed him. This was 8 days after finding out my sister and brother in law lost their baby when my sis was 7 months pregnant. 3 days after his service my mom found my dad who had passed away in bed. I just started grieving recently. Before this it was more like he was on a vacation and just hadn't come back yet (honestly I wish I could go back to that). Every night when I go to bed all I can do is think about that night we found him. If I had gone up there to check on him sooner, could I have prevented this? I cry myself to sleep because all I can think about was my mom running down the stairs screaming and me calling 911 and then going to give him CPR but his body being cold. Anytime I try to remember the good times all that I can remember are the screams coming out of my moms mouth. I have a almost 3 year old to take care of so getting very little to no sleep at night is doing a toll on my body. Any suggestions on what to do or anything would help. Thank you all!

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I am so sorry for your loss, your family has my deepest sympathy. There is no easy answer to any of it, I wish there were words to lessen the pain. No, you could not have prevented it, things happen for reasons we simply do not understand.

When did you dad pass? How is mom doing? I lost my mom in July and now have the most difficult time calling my father....simply because I called her several times a week and now dialing that phone is a grim reminder that she is not there to answer.

The only advice I can render is that you all cling together and find your strength together. Lean on one another, love one another and remember together.....bless you.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 8:47AM
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I'm so sorry.

It might help to treat yourself as though you have post-traumatic stress...which is probably pretty near the truth anyway.

Most of us are not EMTs or nurses or doctors or cops;
we don't have training in handling emergencies, we don't know what to do, & we don't have that protective "armor" that EMTs etc develop.

An emergency shocks us & scares us, & we dream about it & keep re-living it just like we would any other disaster, & this emergency had a more devastating impact because it was your own father, & your own mother was the one screaming.

& this is *in addition to the double loss, the double dose of grief*, you are grappling with.

You might try an herbal remedy like valerian (stinks but works) or kava kava, or see your medical practitioner & see if there's something you can take to help you relax in the evenings without making you too sleepy to take care of that little one.

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 12:10PM
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My dad passed away October 1st. The day after my moms birthday. Which happened to also be exactly 1 year from the date her job moved to Mexico. The day my sister found out about the miscarriage was also exactly a year after my moms best friend had passed away suddenly from a brain anurism(sp). I have been reading up on PTSD and thought it was a possibility but also feel weird talking to my doctor about it when you only hear about it with war vets. Doesn't seem to compare at all, ya know? Well it's 4 am here so that is all for now, thanks for the follow ups.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2009 at 4:56AM
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Hi knb,
I lost my Dad on Oct. 20/09. He had a stroke. He lasted a week before he actually passed away. My Mom passed away when I was 28. If I learned anything from that, I am 47 now, is that it takes time. Grief hurts. There are no ways to avoid it. Try and accept the feelings you are having and don't fight them. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to go through this. As far as how long, everyone is different. If you can see one bright spot in everyday, even just a minute, you'll been on the right path. One minute leads to two, then an hour, then a day, then a weekend and so on. Before you know it, your grief won't be the all consuming power in your life like it is now. Just allow yourself to grieve, but most importantly focus on the bright spots. They are the light at the end of your tunnel so to speak. I am as well struggling with the loss of my Dad. But I know from experience what to expect, and what is normal for me. I have two girls 12 and 10, so I know that having kids can make it harder to cope. All I can say is ask for help if you can, from friends or family and hang in there. Trust me, it will get easier. Grieving is a process. You can't skip ahead without going through what your mind and body need to feel better. I'm at a point in my grief, where I need to focus on my bright spots. If I don't, it will pull me down too much. I'm actually looking forward to refocussing. Will I be grief free quickly? No, but I'll start to feel better. Little by little. And in time I know I will be back to normal. That's going to feel a whole lot better than where I've been. I hope this helped you, and all the best

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 11:59PM
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I'm so sorry for you. I was very much older when my father then my mother passed. No, you won't ever get over the sorrow. But it will become an easier sadness. I used to be in the grocery store or another public place, then suddenly I would be so overwhelmed with sadness that I just had to escape!! It will get easier to bare -- I promise. Your sadness will be replaced with the happy memories of your life together

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 10:48PM
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I'm sorry for your loss and I have a lot of the same feelings you're going through. I'm 21 years old and have lost both of my parents very tragically. When I was young my dad was struck in the head with a softball while playing in a game and immediately went into a coma and passed away 3 days after. Then just recently my mom passed away from choking on a piece of food. It is a very scary thing what you're going through being so young and feeling so alone. It is quite possible you have PTSD because I have also been diagnosed with it. I know what you're going through and how it feels like nothing will ever get better. Now that it's been years after losing my dad I can deal with it a little bit better but I'm still having a really hard time with my mom. I just want you to know that you're never alone and you're a stronger person than most. ~Heather

    Bookmark   December 11, 2009 at 4:15PM
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