Help with grieving husband please

luvsgrtdanesDecember 5, 2004

My 12 year old nephew was killed on Thanksgiving night by a drunk driver as he was crossing the street. He was my husbands brother's son and he was my husbands favorite.

The funeral was on Wednesday. Needless to say we are all devastated but my husband more so than any one.

He is totally shutting me out and getting very angry at many different things. I know this is normal to a point, but it isn't like him to be that way with me or our grown boys.

Nothing I say is right. He was so good to me when my dad died last year, it seems strange that he is being this way.

I don't know how long I should accept this as being OK.

I am getting worried. He is crying so I know he isn't holding the grief in. I want to help but he won't let me. I just don't know what to expect next. Any help is really appreciated.

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Ronnie, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you and your family are going through. It sounds like maybe your husband is dealing with his grief but not with his anger. I can certainly understand how angry you must all be about this senseless tragedy and I would think it would be normal. Maybe it's just that he doesn't know how to deal with the anger. And men always want to fix things and I guess he knows he can't fix this and is frustrated? Maybe right now - as hard as it will be - you need to just give it time and let him lash out. Just know that the anger that seems to be directed at you is not about you. He may even be mad at himself, thinking if he had done this or that it wouldn't have happened. I guess you've already tried to tell him that it is hurtful to you for him to close you out or be hateful to you. That may frustrate him more but I think it might stick in his mind and as the days go by perhaps he will see that you keep being there for him even though he may behave ugly toward you. I know it isn't easy to take because you love him and want to help him the way he once helped you. It sounds like this is doubling your personal grief because you've lost your nephew and you've temporarily lost your husband. Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2004 at 9:41AM
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I have to agree with everything that Leogirl said. It is very normal to feel anger and frustration after a death of a loved one and it will take time for it to subside. He knows that he can take it out on the people closest to him, so he does. He couldn't go to work and act like that or else he would get fired. Try to put up with it and know it has nothing to do with you.
I am so sorry about your nephew.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2004 at 10:04AM
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I can understand why your husband is angry. This is not only about losing his brother's son but the fact that a drunk driver killed him.

I am just guessing here of course, as I don't know you or your husband, but there may even be a connection to a memory of the past related to drunks.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2004 at 2:03AM
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I am so sorry about the loss of your nephew, Ronnie. I think you have been given good advice here. He sounds like he is expressing anger related to the loss and not to you. I think that will subside if you are careful to not lash back. If you just quietly tell him that his words hurt your feelings, that might eventually help.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2004 at 7:04AM
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Ronnie -
It "feels different" when a parent dies ... in the natural course of events, we expect them to die before us. Having a child he was so fond of die suddenly like that is much harder to deal with. There is not only th eloss of companship, but the loss of the dreams he had for the boy.

If it lasts more than a week or so, get him to counseling. And if he snaps at you, tell him that you are not the appropriate target for his anger.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2004 at 8:14AM
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I was told by a very wise dear mother in law...that you always show your worst side to the people you are closest to. That you always argue the most with the ones you are closest to.. Why? Because they are the safe haven, the safety net. This is so true...your DH is normally very close to you and now he is showing an angry side. he is likely very hurt and angry and not yet dealing well with any of these feelings. But you are the one he can safely be himself. it may take time....i would encourage him to talk to someone. many are not open to that, especially men. but you will have an opportunity to have a heart to heart talk with him and pull him back in - remind him you are there for him.
I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew. How very tragic to lose this young person.


    Bookmark   December 7, 2004 at 9:07PM
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ronnie, let us know how things are going

    Bookmark   December 13, 2004 at 1:45AM
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Dear Ronnie,

I'm a Father who has lost his son. It's been nearly 2 months and I still and grieving and weeping...My heart aches for my son...I am both angry and frustrated and it is difficult for me to tell anyone even my partner the agony that I am feeling internally. I believe your husband feels helpless and loss as do it...I feel that I should have been there to help...I know also that we all suffer the loss of a loved one differently. All I can say is that he's not angry at you or anyone but at himself...and with time we only have our loves who are there for us...give him time

    Bookmark   February 16, 2005 at 5:46PM
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