Last night my mother passed away

rebeeky18November 21, 2006

I found this website after doing a google search on losing moms. Last night (11/20/06) at 8pm my mother's heart stopped beating. She had been sick with a cold that later progressed into the flu. She was extremely ill with the flu, and she had been just as sick a year before with the flu. She was a smoker for almost her whole life until she quit about 5 years ago. She always seemed to have trouble breathing, I just didn't think it would end like this.

I came home from classes on Monday and talked to my mother. I helped her drink her orange juice and I gave her antibiotics prescribed by her doctor. In a matter of hours, my mother had a massive stroke and her hands and feet began turning blue. When I realized she was a strange grey color and she was clammy, I yelled for my father who called 911.

When they got here, She was barely breathing with practically no pulse. They told us she was still alive, but they had lied to us. She was dead before she even made it into the ambulence. I can't help but to blame myself. If only I had noticed that something was wrong, I could have called 911 earlier and she could have been saved.

I thought for sure she would make it through. Only three days ago she was cracking jokes and laughing. She called me and I talked to her. I discussed what we would have for dinner. The evening before she died she called my cell phone to see where me and my dad were because we detoured to pick up her antibiotic prescription.

I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my father too. They have been married for almost forty years and they love each other so much. I can just see my father's heart is broken and I can't fix it. I am only 18 years old and I'm in my second year at a local community college.

I remember the last time I saw her. And I can't get the images out of my head. She was being shocked with electrodes and being given CPR. I remember seeing her lying on the floor with her feet pointing out to the sides. I knew she wasn't going to make it.

It has only been over a little over twenty-four hrs and I still can't comprehend what is happening. I talked to her yesterday, and I want to call her. I keep expecting her to walk through the door. She was 58 years old. I only got 18 years with her. It isn't fair.

The wake is on friday and the funeral is on saturday. I just feel like dying. I don't want to talk to my friends. They say things like I'm here and you can talk to me. But they don't know. They all have mothers they can go home to. I thank god for my four other siblings and my father. But I'm praying so hard for my dad. I don't know what is going to happen with him. I am so afraid to lose him. I still can't believe I will never talk to my mother ever again. I won't hold her hand or make her laugh. I won't be able to poke fun at her and she won't get to see me married or see my children.

I just can't believe it. I feel like I'm going to awake from a dream. I don't think about my mother's death but then all of a sudden I remember she's never coming home again. I don't know how I will make it through the wake and funeral. I feel like I'm slowly decaying from the inside out. I can't sleep for more than 15 min at a time, and I can't eat anything. I don't even taste food anymore.

I don't know how to deal with this. I had been so lucky to have never have lost anyone close to me. Now that its my mother its a huge shock. One that I cannot comprehend. I fear sleep because I know if I go to sleep I will wake up thinking she is alive and I won't be able to handle that. If only I had known I had only 18 yrs with her I would have treated her so much better. There are so many things I can't take back, and I never got a chance to say goodbye. Everything just happened so fast. I'm so lost.

I figured I could find people with a similiar situation as mine on the internet, and I thought that perhaps they could help show me how to deal with this. Even hearing about similiar stories would help me know that I'm not alone.

Thank you so much

I appreciate it greatly

-Rebekkah

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alisande

Rebekkah, I'm so sorry. I hope you will read some of the posts on this forum, including old ones. You will see that you are most definitely not alone. Your mother was young, but not everyone lives to an old age. Many of us lost parents when we were quite young. I was nine when my mother died. I remember thinking similar thoughts to yours: I wanted to take back some of the things I said to her. I can tell you this, though. Not being about to take back things said in anger made me very cautious about what I said to people after that. After the age of nine, I never said anything in anger that I regretted afterward.

I'm particularly sorry that you had to witness the medical efforts to save her. If these images persist in your mind, please see a therapist, someone experienced in helping those who grieve and particularly those who have experienced trauma at the same time.

Re fairness, try to remember that life is neither fair nor unfair. It just is. When you think about what goes on in the world, it's easier to accept that statement.

This was nothing you could have prevented. It's absolutely not your fault.

Please try to live as your mother would want. She will guide you for the rest of your life. What would Mom want me to do? is a question you should ask yourself often. At some point you should read Motherless Daughters and Letters From Motherless Daughters. Good books.

Finally, keep your heart and mind open to possible signs from your mother. They may or may not come, but if they do you'll want to recognize them. And some night she may come to you in a dream.

Keep us posted, Rebekkah.

Susan

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 12:43PM
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violarose

oh I feel your pain, and I understand so well. It is hard for others to feel your pain because unless they go thru it, its so painful.
i felt the same way about food, and what you are going thru, you might be going thru the numb stages, it felt so unreal. like i was going thru a nightmare and i just wanted to wake up now.
i too watched my dad pass, its a hard memory to swallow, it was wrentchful, but in a way i am grateful i was there, because I think my brain would just not accecpt it if I wasnt there to see it, because sometimes still I feel like it is impossible that my dad has passed.
i am so sorry you lost your mom. and at such a young age as well. and your mom is young too, . sometimes i feel cheated that my dad died when i was 34, because I want him here till , well forever. but i got to have those good 34 years with him. i have to remind myself of that.
((((((( pray for your family)))))) it happened so fast. (())

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 2:25PM
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loagiehoagie

Rebekkah, let me start by saying how very sorry I am. You are so young child, I really feel terrible about your mom. It isn't fair. Nobody can say it is. I lost my mom in January and I am 47. It hurts no matter what, no matter when.

Remember you have your mom in your heart. Faith is a strange animal. I suppose if it was easy it wouldn't be what God intended. I don't understand life anymore. I don't have the same ambition or interests. My dad keeps talking about dying. He is so lonely and although my folks bickered a lot, they were there for each other..and now there is just an emptiness.

Please email me directly if you want to talk. Sometimes talking to someone outside of your inner-circle helps.

I am there if you need to talk to someone.

Duane

Dukerdawg@aol.com

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 7:39PM
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jlj48

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are so young, so was your Mom. It is so unfair. I think I know how you feel. I lost my Dad 2 years ago and then my Mom 7 months later. Last year was my first Thanksgiving without her. She was my very best friend in the whole world. Her and Dad were married for 57 years. We knew we were losing Dad a few days before he passed, but Mom's was unexpectedly. I miss her so very much and there is a whole in my life that will NEVER be filled. I feel so cheated and I'm not as young as you! Be glad that you have your Dad and enjoy your time with him. I know he is hurting so much too. You mentioned that you are so thankful for your siblings. I'm so happy for you that you have them. My parent's deaths have torn my family apart. There are walls between us and one sibling is so hurt he refuses to speak to any of us. I hope this can bring you all even closer. That's what family is supposed to be all about. YOU CAN DO THIS. You were loved by a great Mom and I'm sure she would only want the greatest happiness for you.
I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.

Joanie

    Bookmark   November 23, 2006 at 9:49PM
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ross939

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in a very similar way. She too was a lifelong smoker. Don't think that the medics tried to lie or deceive you, as sometimes the line between life and death can be thin. My mom took extremely ill, and I too called the medics, fearing she was already gone. They came, revived her, and she was on life support in the hospital for two days. She recovered, but the doctor said that she had advanced emphasema and that, if lucky, she would have 6-7 months left. The first thing she did when she got home from the hospital was buy a pack of smokes down at the corner store. She lived another seven months, and she was able to get her affairs in order, somewhat. It was still a shock to us. She had taken ill quite a few times in her last 2-3 years but she always bounced back. Even after the dr. told us she only had a few months, I always figured she would bounce back as always. Seeing someone die from pulmanary disease is tough. It is as if you are watching them slowly drown, like a fish out of water, for the final months and in some cases years of life. My condolences to you and your family.
--John

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 1:31AM
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