Last night my mother passed away
I found this website after doing a google search on losing moms. Last night (11/20/06) at 8pm my mother's heart stopped beating. She had been sick with a cold that later progressed into the flu. She was extremely ill with the flu, and she had been just as sick a year before with the flu. She was a smoker for almost her whole life until she quit about 5 years ago. She always seemed to have trouble breathing, I just didn't think it would end like this.
I came home from classes on Monday and talked to my mother. I helped her drink her orange juice and I gave her antibiotics prescribed by her doctor. In a matter of hours, my mother had a massive stroke and her hands and feet began turning blue. When I realized she was a strange grey color and she was clammy, I yelled for my father who called 911.
When they got here, She was barely breathing with practically no pulse. They told us she was still alive, but they had lied to us. She was dead before she even made it into the ambulence. I can't help but to blame myself. If only I had noticed that something was wrong, I could have called 911 earlier and she could have been saved.
I thought for sure she would make it through. Only three days ago she was cracking jokes and laughing. She called me and I talked to her. I discussed what we would have for dinner. The evening before she died she called my cell phone to see where me and my dad were because we detoured to pick up her antibiotic prescription.
I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my father too. They have been married for almost forty years and they love each other so much. I can just see my father's heart is broken and I can't fix it. I am only 18 years old and I'm in my second year at a local community college.
I remember the last time I saw her. And I can't get the images out of my head. She was being shocked with electrodes and being given CPR. I remember seeing her lying on the floor with her feet pointing out to the sides. I knew she wasn't going to make it.
It has only been over a little over twenty-four hrs and I still can't comprehend what is happening. I talked to her yesterday, and I want to call her. I keep expecting her to walk through the door. She was 58 years old. I only got 18 years with her. It isn't fair.
The wake is on friday and the funeral is on saturday. I just feel like dying. I don't want to talk to my friends. They say things like I'm here and you can talk to me. But they don't know. They all have mothers they can go home to. I thank god for my four other siblings and my father. But I'm praying so hard for my dad. I don't know what is going to happen with him. I am so afraid to lose him. I still can't believe I will never talk to my mother ever again. I won't hold her hand or make her laugh. I won't be able to poke fun at her and she won't get to see me married or see my children.
I just can't believe it. I feel like I'm going to awake from a dream. I don't think about my mother's death but then all of a sudden I remember she's never coming home again. I don't know how I will make it through the wake and funeral. I feel like I'm slowly decaying from the inside out. I can't sleep for more than 15 min at a time, and I can't eat anything. I don't even taste food anymore.
I don't know how to deal with this. I had been so lucky to have never have lost anyone close to me. Now that its my mother its a huge shock. One that I cannot comprehend. I fear sleep because I know if I go to sleep I will wake up thinking she is alive and I won't be able to handle that. If only I had known I had only 18 yrs with her I would have treated her so much better. There are so many things I can't take back, and I never got a chance to say goodbye. Everything just happened so fast. I'm so lost.
I figured I could find people with a similiar situation as mine on the internet, and I thought that perhaps they could help show me how to deal with this. Even hearing about similiar stories would help me know that I'm not alone.
Thank you so much
I appreciate it greatly