Lost my common-law husband

carriebooNovember 7, 2006

I am 27 years old...my boyfriend (of 6 years) and I had a house together and were planning on getting married next November. Only 6 weeks ago he drowned. I am having trouble. On the outside it may appear that I am ok, I don't like to cry or show depression in front of people, but I am feeling every emotion in the book...I don't know what I am going to do. I know I have such a long life ahead of me, and lots of friends and family to support, but I feel lost, empty, lonley, and feel that noone can help me feel better. He was not only my partner, but my work-supervisor, we shared an office. He was literally my life, and it worked great, and now he is gone. I don't know how to deal? I find myself clining to his friend (that was with him when he drowned), but that is unfair and probably confusing to him.

I feel like I need some unbiased advice or chat....can anyone relate?

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I am so sorry for your loss. Please surround yourself with people with whom you can share your pain. And allow yourself time to grieve your loss and dreams for your future. Hugs to you.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2006 at 5:30PM
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I agree with Joanie who posted ahead of me. You must not be afriad to cry or grieve and share your loss by talking with others. Grieving is a process you must go through, and if you try to skip over it, it will just keep coming back to trouble you. Talk about your husband, stay in touch with his family and friends, and see if you can think of things to do to honor his memory. Plant a rosebush, make a photo album, donate to his favorite charity, visit places he liked to go, etc.

You are trying to be very practical and strong, but you really need to just let yourself grieve to get through it. Time is the healer, and grieving cannot be rushed, unfortunately.

Best wishes. I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2006 at 10:02AM
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lean twards family whether his or yours. while his friend was with him, you're already suspecting it's not the same nor is he your darling fiance.

work is going to become your life and with a new boss coming in soon, you'll have to adjust.

6 years is a long time...thank goodness you had those wonderful years.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2006 at 11:13PM
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Carriboo, I too lost my husband through a traumatic and unexpected death. I am 39, and like you I know I have a lot of my life to live, but I am completely devastated by my husband's death. I too feel lost, empty and lonely. He is dead fifteen months now , and I can really identify with where you are presently at. I too felt noone could help me. All my friends and family seemed completely inadequate when it came to dealing with my emotions. If I was overwhelmed, they would want to quiten me with cups of tea or medication. I needed to express all the turmoil, but noone was capable of hearing me. I would cry alone night after night, and listen to Katie Melua. She became my best friend. How sad is that? I wailed as she sang "I cried for you", and all my tears just echoed back at me. After three months, I realised that my deep agony had to be heard and witnessed. My friends and family were not up to coping with my extreme pain, so I found myself a therapist. I had to try a few different forms of therapy before I eventually found the right person. He continues to hear and witness my extreme emotions. It is vital that you too find someone with whom you can openly express yourself. Carriboo, you cling to his friend for as long as you need to. He will let you know if he has had enough of you. I cling to my husband's brother. He clings to me. His friend is hurting too. Cling to him. Don't do all this alone. You have to let it out, or you will become obliterated by all of this. Just last night, my husband's football club called me to ask if I wanted to present a trophy in his memory. It felt like I was just told that he had died. My body went into extreme shock and I was screaming. I called my mum and wailed down the phone. I called a friend and she came to stay with me. I am now at the stage that if I have to let out my extreme agony, I refuse to do it alone. People, despite their discomfort, are just going to have to deal with me. I hope you get to this point too. My therapist told me that if I always curl up, and cry alone, then I am keeping my agony inward. Carriboo, we have to be seen and heard when we are at our worst. Friends and family just have to look at us in the depth of our agony. They cannot take the pain away, but at least they can sense our hell, and that is better than crying alone and receiving absolutely no response. Love from one broken soul to another.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2006 at 10:39AM
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I read your post, and I agree with what you say.

I have felt like like you, when I lost a child. This happened 16 years ago now.

I remember sitting with my parents and just letting it all flood, as you can imagine my heart was in a thousand pieces.

They just sat there, they just did not know what to do.

I have thought about this over the years and have come to the conclusion that as the person who is grieving, we must tell people what we need. We need a hug, we need our hand held, we need a cup of tea, we need to be driven to the beach and just walk madly for hours in the wind and the listen to the roaring waves. Whatever we need we should always ask. I think people just don't know what to do to help us.

I find great comfort with having my child's ashes in the cupboard in the kitchen, I know this sounds strange, but whenever I am there cooking, he is there with me.

Take care.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2006 at 2:02AM
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your fiance. I hope that the holidays weren't too hard for you and that you are finding what you need.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2006 at 9:57PM
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This is all very new for you. Give yourself some time and some slack, girl. Are you able to connect with other widows? They will understand more than anybody what you are going through. A cousin, who was widowed 4 years ago, spoke of how, when she was newly widowed, other women helped her. Later on it was she who comforted new widows. You will get there. I understand that you weren't actually married, but I think other women will view you as I do in this respect.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2007 at 12:38AM
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Carrieboo, I know it's hard to believe this right now, but time does bring some healing. Meanwhile, try to take life one day at a time, it really does work work, sometimes you can only get through it one hour at a time, but every second of the day is bringing the healing power of time. Meanwhile, maybe your local mortuary or hospital social worker can find you a grief group. It really does help to share with others who understand. Consider yourself in a recovery mode right now and put off making any big life changes until you have passed the worst of it. Good luck, we'll be sending our most positive thoughts to you!

    Bookmark   January 8, 2007 at 5:23PM
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