I feel worse everyday

BrycesmommyNovember 22, 2004

I feel like my entire life is falling apart since Bryce died. I'm depressed with Christmas coming so I think I want to run away by myself until it's over. My career is falling apart. I'm not emotionally stable enough to be there. How can I help patients when I can't hold myself together?? I just feel like I'm falling and can't pick myself up. The longer I am without my beautiful son the worse I feel. I just lay on his bed every night and cry. I can barely get myself out of bed every morning. I had the worst nightmare the other night with him in it. I was so happy to see him but then something happened where he needed me more then ever but I couldn't reach him to save him. I don't know but maybe I'm feeling guilty because I wasn't there for him when he really needed me. I don't know, my life is just a mess.

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Nell Jean

This is a terrible time of year for many of us. Your grief is still fresh. Does your employer have EAP (Employee Assistance Program) or some other provision for those with any kind of personal problem? Are you in a grief group? Is any kind of counseling available to you? Compassionate Friends Group in your town?

The death of a child is very difficult. Unanticipated death of a child is even more difficult because it is complicated by the traumatization. We lose security and confidence in the world. Don't let Christmas become an overwhelming burden. It is going to come and go; we don't have to participate any more than we can stand.

If you're not in counseling seek some help. If you are in counseling be open about what you need. My heart breaks for you.


    Bookmark   November 22, 2004 at 10:10PM
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I feel such expression of pain reading your post. I am so sorry and wish there was something that could be done to ease this most difficult time. The holidays are torture, with every minute consumed in thinking about the "what if's"......you reach a dark place and there seems to be no escape. Have you been able to reach out to someone, anyone, a counselor especially, that can help you work through this? Your world has crashed around you when you lost your beloved son. No doubt the days can be so very difficult, but the holidays add so much more to that grief. Please reach out to someone. You cannot go through this alone. Are you close to your employer with whom you could share this with, in hopes that he could recommend some direction that may be available to you from there? Do you find your coworkers supportive of you? My very heart breaks reading the amount of pain you are in. Please seek someone to talk to....you simply cannot go through this alone. No, the pain does not magically disappear, but sharing the pain gives you an edge that can help you manage your grief. Are you able to share this with a loved one, or do you keep this inside and your family members are not aware of the depth of your pain during this time?
I will say a special prayer for you tonight. You are not alone.


    Bookmark   November 22, 2004 at 10:23PM
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It may seem to you like the more time passes the worse you feel, but I think it may just be the coming holidays. It is natural for grief to hit you harder during times of the year you had spent together like holidays, the loved one's birthday, etc.

I think after Thanksgiving and Christmas are over you will find some relief.

It is natural in the process of grieving to feel many emotions, guilt, anger, etc, and you will work through them over time.

I just know that you can and will find the strength to get you through this.

Are you receiving professional or spiritual counseling? You sound so miserable -- maybe a mild antidepressant would be of temporary help.

Stress can weaken your immune system, so try to make sure you get proper nutrition and enough vitamins. You don't want to fall ill on top of everything else. Omega fatty acids help boost seratonin levels which can help lift depression (fish oil capsules supply this benefit).

Also make sure to get enough protein throughout the day so that your blood sugar level doesn't drop (that could make you feel worse).

Is there any way to take a brief leave of absence from your work?

    Bookmark   November 22, 2004 at 10:32PM
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Each of the above posters have encouraged you to seek help through counseling or friends or family, and I agree with them. These are wise people who have had your experience. I sense that you are not sharing your suffering with anyone. You need to talk to someone.

Perhaps a doctor or minister/priest could be a resource. If you don't attend church, ask someone who does if their spiritual leader might be willing to refer you to a counselor.

Take care of yourself, and let us know how you are doing. My heart aches for you.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2004 at 1:00AM
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I echo what the others said. Please don't underestimate the value of talk therapy. Or, as I think of it in that first year, talk/cry therapy. Some counselors specialize in grief; this might be a good place to start.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2004 at 9:20AM
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Nell Jean

Bryces Mommy, I thought about your dream last night. Perhaps there's a message in that dream concerning your guilt. "I was so happy to see him but then something happened where he needed me more then ever but I couldn't reach him to save him." As horrifying as the dream was, perhaps this was to give you peace that your being there might not have made a difference. Life leaves us with so many unanswered questions.

There's a true story that someone once told me that makes me cry every time I repeat it.
A young mother of 3 lost her husband in some kind of accident. She related this years later, when she had remarried and her children were almost teens.
"I was the only woman to ever lose her husband. I WALLOWED in my grief. One day I looked up to notice my little children, sitting quietly in a row on the sofa, watching, waiting for Mommy to stop crying." She went on to tell how she told them to get ready and she quickly dressed and left the house with them. From that turning point she began to heal.

I could not at that time identify with her loss, but I identified with the children. Now I still can't imagine her own sorrow, but I can understand the paralzying feeling that grief brings. I know the need to tell and retell one's experiences, and the need to stop and cry before you can continue with a simple task.

This might be a Christmas during which you could focus on grandparents or older friends without children around, and they on you. Your husband hurts, too. Encourage each other.

We need to hear more about this precious child. When he learned to walk. When he learned to talk. Details of him in the winter, in the spring, with his Grampa, with the cat. The Real Bryce, never to be forgotten.


    Bookmark   November 23, 2004 at 11:49AM
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When my father died, I did NOT want to see anyone. My neighbor came and stood on my front porch until I felt obligated to invite her in. We talked about my father for about 1/2 hr. or 45 minutes, and when she left I felt so much better. I doubt she has any idea of how much she helped me. So, Brycesmommy, you must reach out. No one wants you to suffer as you are.

Also, tuck this idea in the corner of your mind--at some point it might be good for you and your husband to get away for a few days. A trip to the seashore, mountains or someplace beautiful and peaceful might clear your head a little. Or if you have friends or family you could go visit, it might be helpful to get away physically.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2004 at 3:58PM
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I can feel your pain when I read your words. I am so sorry you are hurting. Everyone here said so many wise things. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and that when I lost my son born prematurely and stillborn, Afterwards I could not stop crying. I would cry at work at unpredictable times. I saw a therapist for a little while and began a mild antidepressant. It helped so much because it helped me regain control so I could function and clear my head. Please see someone and get some help for yourself.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2004 at 6:56PM
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Oh Bryce's mommy my I hurt for you. I don't believe there is any worse loss than a parent losing a child. I am all too sadly familiar with suicide and send you every good thought I can to help you through your pain. All I can say is that for me accepting what happened got more manageable with time.

You will always be Bryce's mommy and NOTHING will change that.

Do you have a local hospice you can contact? There is wonderful support available through that resource. It changes nothing and can help you through the worst. When you're ready (if ever) of course.

God bless and good luck. My heart breaks for you.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2004 at 1:08AM
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