My first Grandchild

mfoxjacksonNovember 6, 2011

My daughter was expecting her first child, my first grandchild, when in her 8th month of pregnancy was told that her baby had died in the womb. She needed to deliver her baby. She was given a choice to have a c section, wait to go into labor naturally, which could take up to 2 weeks, or be induced into labor. The Doc suggested against the c section as it is major surgery and any subsequent babies would have to be born that way. She opted to be induced. On Monday October 10, 2011 they started the process which ended up taking 4 days. Kiersten was born Thursday, October 13, 2011. Weighed in at 3lbs, 5 oz and 16.5 inches long. A head full of blonde hair, just like her mama had when she was born. I was there for the delivery, glad I could be there for my daughter. Glad I could be her strength.

I thought I couldn't feel any worse than I did the day we found out the baby had died. But I could and I have.

As the grandparents of a stillborn, we are called the forgotten mourners. Of course my absolute first concern is for my daughter, but people forget that I am in mourning too, Not only did I lose my Grandchild, but I am watching MY child go through something that is so indescribable, that no one should have to suffer through it. Watching MY child in so much emotional pain and not be able to kiss it away. I watched my daughter and her husband in the delivery room, holding that baby breaks my heart to no end. Talking in funeral homes about cremation and urns, when we should have been in baby stores talking about cribs and dresses and toys.

I am sorry this is such a long story, but am glad to have a place to talk about it. Thank you.

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My deepest regrets for this death. We do not know the answers to this. There are support groups for you, please look for one. My neighbor lost her first grand baby and was devastated. She was able to get help thru a support group. I am sending prayers for you and your family. You are NOT forgotten, you are in our prayers.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 10:48PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Most of us have lost 1 but much earlier than 8 mos. along. Neighbor had 1 at 6 1/2 mos. but wasn't allowed to see it. Baby had gotten cancer & would have taken her life too, she said,(she now has a sweet 5 yr old girl). I think getting to hold the baby & see it will help them heal,(GF & hubby held their son for 4 hrs & then he died- it was very comforting to them to have had that time-hubby held him about an hr after- they later had a daughter). I know it is so disappointing but it was not to be & often times they don't know the reason. I recently read a newspaper article about a woman Dr. who chose that as her life's work, trying to find the reasons why some babies don't make it. She said progress has been made but she still loses sleep over the ones she can't save. I know that isn't much comfort to you but a caring Dr. or nurse is also mourning your grandbaby's death. Hopeful you all will recover together & be there for each other, time will ease but not erase the pain, She will always be in your hearts!

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 11:39PM
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Thank you both for your thoughtful words.
@marie - I have been unable to find a support group for my situation and I think I would feel intrusive to attend one for parents. My daughter and her husband are attending one tomorrow night. It runs for 6 weeks. I truly hope they get some solace from it. I think only people who have been there can truly understand what they are going through.
@Sunnyca - I know there are quite a few Drs and Nurses mourning with us. The staff at the hospital could not have been any more sensitive and caring to our family during the time we were in the labor and delivery suite. I wrote a letter to the Director of the hospital to let him know what angels he has working for him. They are such very special people.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2011 at 9:03AM
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reading your first post has me in tears. it is obvious Kiersten was a much anticipated and dearly loved baby girl. while words of condolence are so inadequate, it is what i offer. i am so sorry for this devastating loss. your pain must be so intense.

my own son and his wife are "working" on their first baby, my first grandchild. just the thought of a grandchild makes me giddy. i hope that your son and her husband will be able to give you a second grandchild soon.

Kiersten will live in your hearts forever.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2011 at 10:26AM
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I am so sad for all of you. My nephew and his girlfriend had a baby two weeks ago. I lost my adult son almost 4 months ago and as sad as I feel about losing my son, holding that baby made things ok for a few minutes.
You will never forget your grandbaby. I had a friend who carried her baby full-term and the doctor thought she was in premature labor so he put it off with methods not used today. Her perfectly healthy 8 lb girl was dead when she was finally delivered. She had started breathing in the womb and drowned. We have never avoided talking about Jamie Anne. Had she lived she would be 34. As badly as it hurt to lose that baby, my friend went on to have another child. He was 31 on his last birthday.
Knowing how it made me feel to hold my great-niece last week, maybe you could volunteer to hold babies at the hospital. There are babies who need the human touch to survive and sadly enough there are not enough people willing to hold and rock a baby in need. And as hard as it is to believe all people who have sick babies do not stay at the hospital to give that baby enough love for it to survive. I have seen this personally.
I know you want to hold and rock your grandbaby, just like I want to see, touch, and talk to my son again. It might give you some peace, being able to hold a baby who needs your touch, and once you find some peace you will be more able to help your daughter and son-in-law.
I hope you find what you need to move forward in your grief journey.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2011 at 11:50PM
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I went through the same thing a few years ago with my son and DIL. Their baby was 27 weeks stillbor and was also a girl. She was induced as well - took a little less time than yours but we almost lost my DIL as well. You are correct - people do not think of the loss the grandparents suffer. I still have not come to terms with it. But I don't think my son and DIL have either. I got to hold the baby and she was perfect but so tiny.

There can be happy times ahead. You just have to get through the next few months one day at a time. Please feel free to email me through this site. I would be glad to "chat" with you.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2011 at 5:47PM
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