Holidays...and dreading it

loagiehoagieNovember 10, 2006

Hi all. My momma passed away Jan.30, '06. She had 5 heart attacks last year and the only option when she had another on Jan.2 was to try surgery. Well she make it..but never recovered. Too much wrong..kidneys...lungs and of course ...heart. I was so close to her...She was blind for the last 15 years of her life..and so sweet and hopeful. I have had thoughts of suicide almost every day since her passing. I know that is not the thing she would want..or God...but to have the person who brought you into the world not here to share things with is so painful. My dad is so breaks my heart...and now the holidays again. My dad loved Christmas..but he has no ambition for anything this year...and I can relate. I don't want to put up decorations or anything. It is like a life-line between me and my mom has been severed and I just can't understand the thinking of a God which puts us through this....I am so mad at life and God I can't think straight. What does anything matter anymore...who cares ..who cares....I just want to I don't have to wake up every morning realizing my life will never be the same...and I am so tired of crying and trying to keep going. Life really sucks somtimes.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad on Nov 16 2005. The first year anniversary is days away. He was my best friend. I understand how you feel. I too, wake up every day and think about him and why did he have to go. The pain is overwhelming and the lonely feeling is horrible. Life doesnt seem worth it anymore. Every ambition I had seemed to die also. Apart of me died too. But we have to go on and be strong as we possibly can be. No one ever teaches us certain things in life like being a first time parent or how to react after someone we love dies. It sucks because there is no answers on how to get through life, all we can do is our best. I am sure your mom would not want to see you so hurt. It sounds like she faught as long as she could then God called her home. There are things we arent meant to understand but I am sure that in the end we will know all the answers to our questions. Try to be strong for your dad. I know how it breaks your heart to see him, I am going through the same situation with my mom. She isnt happy without my dad anymore. I feel like my family fell apart, nothing is the same. Everyone tell me that time will heal. I dont see that happening because I will never get over losing him, I am just trying my best to live each day without him.
They never leave us. We are a part of them. The stay alive through us. I hope you days get easier and you find strength. The anger you feel is normal. I still get mad too. I cried a river and there are always more tears to flow. Hang in there Duker. You are not alone in your grief. Everyone on this site has pain in there hearts. Keep posting. Talking is good for you. Everyone here will listen to you and respond. Dont let the thaught of suicide enter your mind. That would only sadden your dad and your mom would not want her child to take there own life. There are people who need you and love you. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep the faith. This passage helps me. (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on thy own understanding.) We arent meant to know all the answers but everything happens for a reason.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2006 at 7:41AM
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Oh, thank-you so much for your reply. People say time a way it does...but it doesn't change the dynamics of the family unit. I am so sorry about your dad...I really am sitting here and typing and crying at the same time. I know that the earth spins...people are born and people die. And, I know we are not to know everything about our passing. Some think that God keeps the next life from us on purpose...if we know how wonderful it is...we would be jumping off of bridges and running in front of busses to get to the other side. I don't know if that is true of course...but I sure hope my momma is happy. Although she lived a a good life with caring parents and kids, not to mention her husband...going blind and not ever seeing her three grand-kids was rough. She loved to shop...I would take her places and describe what the were. And the week before she went into the hospital for the last time I bought her a new coat and jeans. She loved clothes. I just miss her so is so hard to feel good about anything or have any joy. That is probably the hardest joy. No happiness. Feeling so down.

Thank-you for your kind response. I know you feel the same as I do in many respects. I know we will find out the reason for having to go through this torture some day. God better have a dang good reason@!


    Bookmark   November 11, 2006 at 5:23PM
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You wrote things so well. I lost my bestfriend dad aug 24 2006. I am scared of the holidays too. your right about the family dynamics. dad was everything to our family, both mom and i couldnt drive, he was our caregiver and our comedian. I feel helpless when i am around my mom, she is so sad, i just want to make everything better and I cant.
I think of that poem - I cried a million tears and it reached all the way to heaven, I just wish i could take you home with me.- something like that. I am at the point of my grief where I can be at Mcdonalds and the tears start rolling.
I thought i had my dad and my parents for another 10 years, I feel mad about that.
I dream about dad everynight. sometmies i wonder if the pain will ever escape me.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2006 at 1:15PM
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I'm sorry that we have to go through this, because I too am not motivated to even think about Christmas. I had surgery Aug 30th and still am not able to do much; thinking of pulling all the Christams stuff hurts. I was going to buy a 4ft tree but we may have my step grand daughter (4) so I have to decorate.

It's going to kill me. I usually put Christmas music on; but last year was rough. Dad had cancer & I knew it was the last Christmas with him. I could barely listen to "Blue Christmas"; would break out crying. Listened to Hootie the other day, that made me cry. I sit here and see a photo from our last Christmas together; tears were in my eyes - dad was smiling because he was thankful to have made it that far. I was the last one he saw when he took his last breath - my son (the apple of his eye) & I held his hands.

After dad died (2/6/06) I lost my family due to misunderstandings. My kids had problems dealing with it. I had to walk away & don't regret the decision. We don't discuss any of them; no point in doing that. My FIL died less than 2 months after my dad; he was a good man also - same thing; cancer. He was lucky that he wasn't sick long; he learned he had cancer a few weeks before he went.

I brought home flowers from the viewing and dried them, then made bouquets, each of my kids has one. I decided to make memory frames, with photos of grandpa & my kids, each also got something of his in the frame, no matter how small of a piece of him it was since we didn't get anything to remember him by. While it was painful for me to put them together, seeing them hanging was worth it. It brings me peace now.

I still have repeats of one of our last doctor appointments; dad knew it was the end of the line, he said he was sorry he wouldn't make 3/2 (my birthday and his next goal to stay alive for). Once again I told him to stop, he had nothing to be sorry for - that I was thankful to have had him this long after diagnosis. I can still hear him saying to me, don't cry, most days that the tears start; there are also days when I don't hear it; I think he knows I need to cry.

I haven't made sense of why good people are taken; I'm still too pissed off I guess. No matter what my family does to me, they can't take my memories away; nor can they change the fact that we were very close.

I hope it gets easier with time; but I don't see it happening for another 10 years at least. Life goes on but it doesn't make me hurt less.

I truely believe my dad is with me every day. Weird things happen, maybe they happened before, I'm just noticing them now. When things get tough, my ears stick out from my hair - I have his ears. This morning while reading this post, a photo fell from my board - making a pic of dad go sideways. I'm hoping my family will accept my offer and allow me to buy the house he built right before he died - so I'm blindly digging up lily bulbs. I'll think to myself - is this going to happen, am I doing this for nothing, and next thing I know I find a clump of bulbs, sometimes with worms from his old house (they look different than my worms). I'll then stop, tell him how much I miss him & love him then try to go on.

I have days when I wish it would end especially due to my back pain; but I have 2 kids that count on me. We lost a total of 5 people in one year - 4 immediate family - I don't think my kids could handle losing their mother. My husband is another story; most days I think he could care less.

Sorry for the long ramble. I have days when I don't feel like "talking" & others where things just spill. You guys are not alone, there are other broken hearts out there; hopefully with time they will mend some-what.

Hootie - Not Even The Trees:
Won't you tell me
Does he realize he came down here
And he took you too soon....

    Bookmark   November 15, 2006 at 8:42AM
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