18th november

jan1ukNovember 17, 2004

today is my sons birthday he would have been 22. Its only been 9 short weeks but it feels like a life time.does anyone have any ideas how to cope on special occasions I am really dreading it.my father also died on the 23rd oct I feel incredibly sad but I feel i'm not grieving properly for my dad because of him dying so soon after my son and I feel really guilty.

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Nell Jean

Jan, there's no 'proper' way to grieve. Every situation is different. Your grief for your father will be vastly different than grieving for your son, at least in my experience that's true. In time, things will be different than they are now. There may be times when you feel a fresh wave of grief for either or both of them. Time, said Rose Kennedy, does not heal, but you do form scars that are easily picked open. Be kind to yourself. Maybe you want to have a little ritual to mark the date, maybe not.

Personally, I look at the 'milestones' that come as another day to get past. Someone dear to me advised a family member who wanted to acknowledge the eleventh of every month as 'the anniversary of Mom's death' that we would not celebrate Negative Holidays. I took that to heart and try to remember birthdays and such but not dwell on death dates. Maybe others feel differently. My son's birthday is next week, as is mine. I'll be sad and we miss him so.

Nell

    Bookmark   November 17, 2004 at 8:20PM
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dian57

As much as I try not to dwell on my loss, it is there every day. It may not be the first thing on my mind anymore but it's sure in the top 3. And I'm more than 4 years into the journey.

The hardest days are Brian's birthday in May and the anniversary of his death in October. There is simply no getting around it, it hurts.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2004 at 3:01PM
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lulie___wayne

I know that the actual dates are significant, but really when you think about it, it's just a day. If you try to think about how you are grieving every single day without your loved one and how every single day that they were here with you was just as important as the next, those "dates" really aren't that important. They are just that..... "dates".
The birthdays are harder for me when I can't help wonder where Christin would be in her life now had she lived. She was only 19 when she left us, and had so many hopes and dreams.
I also know what you mean about grieving differently for your parent and your child. It is a totally different grief. I too, feel a little guilty sometimes because I had always dreaded my parents' deaths, but I think my heart is a little hardened since I lost my child and I just don't think that the hurt can be any deeper even though my Mom was my best friend as was my daughter. I miss them both so much. I guess my grief for the two of them just kinda meshes together.
We usually just bring Christin flowers on her birthday. Our first year without her, we had a memorial service at church and before that, we had a little ceremony at her grave where about 100 of her friends came and said nice things and mentioned memories etc. We released a bunch of helium balloons and some had cards connected to them for Chris. It was very healing. We were very dissatisfied with her funeral, so this kind of made up for it. It was the day that her grave stone was put down... beautiful day.
Lu

    Bookmark   November 18, 2004 at 4:15PM
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dcrowex

jan, i am so sorry - i hope you are feeling better today. dont add to your grief by feeling like you are not grieving properly, or not enough for your father. the type of grief you feel for your son will be vastly different than what you feel for your father. you are being too hard on yourself to pull them so close together. i am so sorry for your losses and send prayers for your comfort.

deb

    Bookmark   November 19, 2004 at 5:13AM
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Nell Jean

Jan, I think of you often. Fresh grief is so painful. There is so little that others can do to make it 'better.'

Here's an example of how caring Garden Web members can be to strangers. little_dani started the directions on Garden Junk for making a monkey to hang in the garden, covered with creeping fig or some other vining plant. The instuctions are not quite finished and we've been waiting for her to finish up some other projects. I put the first section of the directions and photos on my web site and now it's going to be finished...
Well, you have to look for yourself.

Here is a link that might be useful: Monkey

    Bookmark   November 20, 2004 at 7:46PM
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jan1uk

his birthday was better than I thought it would be. We took some flowers to the crematorium where we have a memorial tree for my mother I have had Adams name on a plaque which is now in place by the tree I am in the process of getting my dads one done. We are having Adams and my dads ashes scattered by the tree on wednesday.
on his birthday we let off a massive firework. 150 shots boy did it go with a bang, and I am sure he was laughing at us because it was pouring with snow even though it wasn't forecast

    Bookmark   November 21, 2004 at 6:57AM
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