Husband killed 3 months ago

sharoninphoenixNovember 14, 2009

My husband was killed, drowned at the lake during a storm 12 weeks ago. He was 57 and we would have been married 18 years last month. This is so hard. I feel so ungrounded, like I'm at the mercy of the tide and the wind. I don't know what I'm going toward anymore-only that I want time behind me.

Friends and family have been wonderful, but I still feel alone. I wish I had times of feeling his presence, but he's just gone...not even the comfort of a dream.

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sharon, i am so very sorry for your loss. it will very soon be 2 years since i lost my husband/my best friend/the one true love of my life. he was 61, died of kidney cancer. we had only been together 11 years.

your loss is still very fresh. i remember, so well, the feelings of dread, being "disconnected" from the rest of the world, feeling so profoundly sad. those feelings are still with me, even after this much time, but they grown less in their intensity as time goes on.

i won't pretend and tell you that grief goes away or even gets better. but, it gets different. in time, it will be a tiny bit more tolerable for you to endure.

how well i know the feeling of being in a room full of people and still feeling so alone. the loneliness is crushing, the heartache is like no other feeling.

even now, i still look for gary to walk through the door. i still hear or see something interesting or comical and i think to myself, oh i must remember to tell him. i will look through sale ads in the sunday paper and when i see something special, i think gee, maybe i'll get that for gary for Christmas. and then, i suddenly remember...

perhaps you aren't quite emotionally ready for dreams of your husband just yet. in almost 2 years, i have only had a couple of dreams of gary although i ask, sometimes beg, for them each night. i am only now able to look at pictures of him before his illness and not feel a longing to have things the way they used to be. now, i look at those pictures and i remember happy times even though my thoughts are still tinged with sadness. i do not believe that will ever change. gary is my soul mate, that will always be my comfort.

i wish there were some magical words that would erase your pain and sorrow but i know those words do not exist. perhaps you can take comfort in knowing others feel your pain and know your sorrow.

when you think you can't handle it any more, remember...we can't go around grief, we have to go through it. do whatever it takes to help you, whether that is counseling or sharing stories with family and friends or just simply crying until you think you have no tears left.


    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 3:07PM
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I'm so sorry, Sharon.

Nina has written words of wisdom as well as of sharing.

My father was a huge joker, & for years after he was gone, I'd hear a joke & pick up the phone to call him...

Twelve weeks is a very short time, especially when someone was a central part of your life for so many years;
give yourself time, don't make *any* decisions (don't sell the house, don't buy a car or a boat or a condo or a motorcycle, & don't get engaged-remember how that worked for Paul McCartney).

I think that those special dreams, those visits from the beloved, sometimes *have* to take a while to appear;
we're just not capable of getting them when we're in shock.

I wish you the best, & I'm holding you in my thoughts & in my heart.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2009 at 6:38PM
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Nina and Sylvia, thank you for your kind words. I'm learning some things as I go along. I believe when I wrote initially, I had been home by myself most of the day. A little of that goes a long way! I know now I need to plan ahead and not put myself in a situation where I'm just home alone for a long period of time. Learned that again over Thanksgiving! I know that when I feel down like that I feel too vulnerable to even call anyone, so I need to plan ahead.

And thank you again. I hope my lessons will help someone else who is fresh in the midst of their grief.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 9:18PM
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sharon, you will be a work in progress for quite some time. this whole grief thing is a learning process. we learn what works and what doesn't work. after i lost gary, the hours i spent alone in our home and walking around our farm with our dogs gave me great comfort. i was terrified to go out among people, afraid i would panic, break down, whatever.

two days ago, i sent my little dog to be with his sister and gary. he had a fatal disease and it was time to release him. i am finding that being home is very painful, much unlike it was after gary's death. i have two other dogs but they came to live with me after gary died. with the loss of simon and previously his sister, maggie, i feel like my little happy family is forever fragmented. it will remain that way until such time as God calls me home to be with gary, mag and simon. i live for that day but in the meantime, i will make the best of life because that is what gary would want me to do.

God bless, i hope your grief is gradually being replaced by loving memories.


    Bookmark   December 5, 2009 at 4:03PM
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I think ninapearl said it very well when she said that grief gets different over time and becomes a tiny bit more tolerable. Grief never really goes away (I wonder if we would really want it to do so -- then would we forget entirely? I don't know). It gets more tolerable, for sure, and good memories become more present and forefront and replace the sadness.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2009 at 11:02PM
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