Having a hard time grieving for my sister
Our oldest sister passed away on November 13 after a very brief battle with lung cancer. She was just diagnosed in July.
There are/were six of us siblings. She was two years older than me, and the rest followed. She had a very difficult life, and for the most of it she was sad and bitter. She kept us all at arm's length, unless she wanted something, then she would manipulate us, mostly our parents, who gave even when they didn't really have it to give. Still, we loved her and wanted to help her whenever we could. We all were with her the day she left this earth and worked on making her memorial service a beautiful one for her sons to remember.
Here's the deal. While I have shed my tears for her, and I feel a void with her gone, I don't feel as sad as I think I should. I spoke to my brother this morning, and he said he felt the same way, that he almost felt a relief, because she was often causing trouble in the family, especially during the holidays.
Is it wrong to feel this way? Could it be because it all happened so fast, that my grief will come in stages? It's not that I want to be sad or depressed, but I would hate for my life to come and go and not be missed, especially by my own brother and sisters.
I don't know the answer. I have started a list of memories I shared with her, and will add to it as I remember funny little things about her.