Having a hard time grieving for my sister

wodkaNovember 26, 2008

Our oldest sister passed away on November 13 after a very brief battle with lung cancer. She was just diagnosed in July.

There are/were six of us siblings. She was two years older than me, and the rest followed. She had a very difficult life, and for the most of it she was sad and bitter. She kept us all at arm's length, unless she wanted something, then she would manipulate us, mostly our parents, who gave even when they didn't really have it to give. Still, we loved her and wanted to help her whenever we could. We all were with her the day she left this earth and worked on making her memorial service a beautiful one for her sons to remember.

Here's the deal. While I have shed my tears for her, and I feel a void with her gone, I don't feel as sad as I think I should. I spoke to my brother this morning, and he said he felt the same way, that he almost felt a relief, because she was often causing trouble in the family, especially during the holidays.

Is it wrong to feel this way? Could it be because it all happened so fast, that my grief will come in stages? It's not that I want to be sad or depressed, but I would hate for my life to come and go and not be missed, especially by my own brother and sisters.

I don't know the answer. I have started a list of memories I shared with her, and will add to it as I remember funny little things about her.

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socks

It's always sad to lose a sister. Good, bad, or in between, she has been a part of your life. Each of us grieves in our own way and at our own pace, and you absolutely do not need to feel ashamed of how you are feeling. I think your idea of the list of memories is fabulous. Maybe you have a few pictures to fold into the creation, or ask your siblings and nieces/nephews for memories.

Even though you had your struggles, you will miss her over time. Keep those good memories close at heart. Take care.

Susan

    Bookmark   November 26, 2008 at 3:35PM
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wodka

Susan, thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I just read about your first grandson, and I am so very sorry for your family's loss. I pray today will be a blessed Thanksgiving for you, for all of us, as we remember and give thanks.

Jan

    Bookmark   November 27, 2008 at 10:02AM
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socks

Thank you, Jan. Both our sons and DIL are coming for turkey dinner today. I look forward to having everyone together. Even in this time of sadness for us, we know we have much to be grateful for.

Best wishes to you also for a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2008 at 12:24PM
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lizzie_grow

Jan,
I have often thought when one has been through hard times for many years with someone, the grief of how we would like things to be starts way back then. It's pieces of grief over and over again, so when that person passes, perhaps we've already done alot of grieving of losses we might have had with them. Relief is probably to be expected, too.

I love your idea of a list of good memories you remember with her.

Susan, I am thinking of your family today. We are also having dinner with our DIL & Son who lost their baby...hold each other close & time will heal the fresh sadness.

Liz

    Bookmark   November 27, 2008 at 2:41PM
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wodka

Liz, I am also sorry for your family's loss.

I never thought of grief the way you described it, but I think you are absolutely right, especially concerning my sister's situation. We have been grieving a long time. When I first heard of her cancer diagnosis, I cried because I always hoped that she would find happiness in this life and it didn't look like that was going to happen. I pray that she is happy and at peace now.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2008 at 9:46AM
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