It seems that since we had my 13 year old cat put down in July, things have been constantly going wrong, and will continue to go wrong.
My only sibling - My big brother Joel died in August - He had a motorcycle accident. My Dad was in Calgary visiting Joel - they had a pig roast, a bunch of people over, and were drinking. My Dad offered Joel to take his motorbike for a ride earlier in the day when Joel was sober, but Joel declined saying that he wasn't comfortable he could manage it as he hadn't been on a bike in a long time. That night, when Joel was more drunk than any of his friends had ever seen him, my Dad let him get on the motorbike and told him not to wear a helmet. He was just doing a "quick" loop around the block. He was going 70 miles an hour. He lost control going around a corner, hit the curb, bounced off a tree, and took off 1/2 of his head on a trailer hitch. (Sorry for being graphic - I can't get the image out of my head).
Since the accident happened, I haven't spoken with my father. Our relationship was strained at the best of times, and now I really feel that he is so incredibly irrisponsible and thoughtless. He never made an effort to spend time with Joel and I as kids. Our Step-grandfather did more things with us than my father ever did. Dad has sent me a few e-mails, obviously seeking absolution. He just wants me to tell him that everything is okay and it's not his fault - But nothing is okay, and I do blame Dad a lot, because he's the only person alive who I can blame. He has said that "Joel was a grown man, and (he) couldn't have stopped him if (he) wanted to". But, the fact of the mater is that all Dad would have had to say was, "No Joel, I don't think you should take the bike right now", and it wouldn't have happened. Joel was one of the most respecful men I have ever known, and if Dad had said no, Joel would have listened.
Now, in addition to dealing with the loss of my big brother and my estranged father, my Mom now has an ovarian cyst. I am trying to stay logical and not over-react. We don't know anything about it yet. We don't know if it's cancerous or not. I am just sitting, waiting to see what's going to happen with that.
I'm just terrified that if I lose my Mum, too, then I'm going to be all alone. I never wanted to be an only child, and I now am. . I don't think I could handle losing my mother. She's my best friend.
I'm okay a bit of the time, but sometimes when I start to think about everything that has happened and everything that is going on. . I feel like I'm losing my marbles.
Sorry it's so long. . I just needed to vent, yet again.