how do i cope

jan1ukOctober 23, 2004

I lost my mother last june and my youngest son 4 weeks ago he was 21 and disabled with muscular dystrophy I cared for him 24/7 and he died of respitory failure. He was a beautiful child who loved life to the best of his ability he never complained and would put most of us to shame. I feel that, because I knew for years that he was going to die, I feel it some how helping me with the grieving, up until today 23rd oct I have been at the hospital all day with my father he died at 4:45pm with heart failure I am totally numb with shock and now I have to go through the whole process again. I have been reading the forums here for the last couple of weeks and they have helped me a great deal even the one about the pennies as I too have found pennies but not even thought about it until reading the messages. I am an only child and even though I have my family I still feel I am so alone. I don't even know where to start because I will need to go any empty the place where my mom and dad lived for 17 yrs, the half completed jigsaw puzzle is still how my dad left it before he went into hospital a week ago I need some help please

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socks

How difficult for you, Jan. Do you have siblings or friends who can be with you and help you?

I know how those little things like the jigsaw puzzle pull at your heart. You just don't want to pick it up and put it away. I don't want to spend the change that was in my mother's coin purse.

Take comfort in all the kind and loving care you provided your dear son. He was a lucky young man to have had a caring, loving mother to help him with his health problems.

Just take it one step at a time, Jan. My thoughts are with you.

    Bookmark   October 23, 2004 at 7:12PM
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Nell Jean

Too many losses, too quickly. You had some time to prepare, yes, but you never get READY. Such a sad time for you and so much to mourn that might have been. I hope that you have a friend or two who will go with you to empty your parents' place. When people say, "If there's anything I can do, let me know..." speak up immediately and say that there is, and allow those who truly mean it to help. Those who aren't able to help physically can go with you so you have someone to talk with. That helps when nothing else can, just talking.

I've been trying to update my son's site so that there's something there of small comfort, it's hard to do so.

Here is a link that might be useful: Memorial Site

    Bookmark   October 23, 2004 at 9:22PM
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evatx

I feel so bad for you! I don't know how one would cope with that many losses in such a short time. I hope you can find some answers, though. (((Jan)))

    Bookmark   October 23, 2004 at 11:51PM
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dcrowex

I am so sorry...you have experienced devastating loses in such a short period - far more than most of us have. I send my prayers and thoughts for you to have strength to get you through this most difficult period. You sound as though you are very strong - perhaps your son has guided you to your journey of strength. But even the strongest of us all still have our weak moments.
Please come here often and share what you are going through.
(((Jan)))

deb

    Bookmark   October 24, 2004 at 7:37AM
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jan1uk

I have a husband and 3 grown up children who are my rock they are hurting but we are a very close family. I also lost an aunt in feb and my father-in-law in june but I like a good many people just want to find an answer that they are ok. Thank you for your kind messages and least I don't feel so alone

    Bookmark   October 24, 2004 at 8:29AM
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alisande

Jan, I'm glad to hear you have a good husband and children. That will make all the difference. I hope you'll follow the advice posted by others, and find comfort in it.

FoxesEarth, I just took another look at your son's site. I don't remember the Wolcott quote, or maybe I just didn't read it last time. But what a wonderful quote it is. I can't imagine anything better to say to a grieving parent, or anyone in grief.

Susan

    Bookmark   October 24, 2004 at 1:52PM
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socks

Foxes Earth, you always have a wonderful way of helping people. Maybe it's because you live in such a beautiful place! I always enjoy reading what you write.

Your son looked like a fine person, full of life and personality. You just had the 1-year anniversary of his death. A year is a long time, but not when it comes to healing that kind of hurt. Take care.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2004 at 2:31PM
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Charlee_MO

(((((Jan)))))
I am glad you have your husband and family but I also know it is hard on them, too.
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this.
I hope someday you can find peace in your faith and comfort in your memories of your loved ones.

Charlotte

    Bookmark   October 26, 2004 at 4:55PM
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lulie___wayne

Jan, I'm so very sorry for all of your losses. You've had so many significant losses in such a short length of time. I know that it must seem unbearable.
I know the grief associated with losing a child and my mom (who also died this past June) although, I didn't lose mine as close as you did yours and I still have my dad.
From my own experiences, I have found that my faith is what keeps me going. I try desperately, although I'm not always successful, to block out the bad memories associated with their deaths. Those memories and all of the thoughts of how we should have done things differently or maybe I could have prevented this that or the other is useless and only serves one purpose. That is to pelt anguish on our already battered heart. I don't know if you are feeling any of these haunting thoughts, but most people do.
When we try to extinguish those negative, non productive, thoughts and fill our hearts with hope of what's to come after this life, our lives become much easier to bear without our loved ones.
I know it is hard and believe me, I have spent hours and hours and hours lying in bed at night reliving all of it. If I let myself, I live through every minute of what we went through with my beautiful 19 year old leaving us as well as my mom's long illness battling Alzheimer's and then her sudden death (brain hemorrhage, I think) right before my eyes. They are all haunting thoughts that succeed in making my life miserable if I dwell on them.
I didn't mean to get off on all of this, but I know that most grieving people usually put themselves through the "ringer" so to speak with these negative thoughts. Try to dismiss them as soon as they enter your mind and fill your mind with the positive things. Fill your mind with all of the good and loving things that you did for all of them and all of the things that you did right. Also, if you are a Christian, when the grief and loss in your heart feels unbearable, think of how glorious it will be when you are reunited. That is only a blink of an eye away compared to eternity. They are happy and healthy and whole again and waiting for you when it is your time to join them.
I hope that I have helped you even if it is in a small way.
Please continue to come here for support. You are not alone in your grief and we understand anything that you may be dealing with associated with grief.
Again, you have my sincere, heartfelt sympathy for your tremendous losses.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   October 27, 2004 at 10:43AM
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jan1uk

I went to see my father today in the chaple of rest. He looked so smart and at peace. I felt very proud to have been his daughter I am sure he would have been proud of me too. the funeral is on tuesday

    Bookmark   October 28, 2004 at 2:18PM
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lulie___wayne

I'm so sorry about your father. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Lu

    Bookmark   October 29, 2004 at 2:10AM
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