My Birthday....

jenniferwOctober 20, 2005

My birthday is coming up soon. On October 31st I'll be 29 years old and this will be my first birthday without my mother. I'm really sad and am hoping that I'll be ok on that day. I just miss her so damn much and can't believe that I have to live the rest of my life without her. She won't be there for any more important events, like bithday's, holiday's, and my wedding on April 21st. How will I cope without her there?

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Oddtree

My mother died 6 days before my birthday, so I was still in shock when it came around. Even now, I sometimes forget what age I am, because I feel like my 24th birthday never happened.

The best advice I can give is to find a way to take care of yourself that day, whether it's spending it with friends or having some alone time.

You have to live the rest of your life without her physical form, but the love she gave you will be with you forever. And that's what counts the most, isn't it?

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 6:20PM
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socks

I sure know how you feel. The year after our mothers's deaths is filled with "firsts"--even if it's a shopping trip, the first after their passing. Nothing is ever the same again, is it? There is no one to call to tell the details we always shared. I am lucky to have had my Mom a lot longer than you did, but we'll always miss them so much, won't we?

I like Oddtree's ideas. Plan some meaningful, peaceful things. Maybe lunch with friends, visit a place your Mom liked.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Susan

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 8:51PM
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lasershow

I know how you're feeling. My mom died in September 2004. Her birthday and mine are in December (just six days apart) and of course, we always celebrated both together.

The first year after they pass is indeed a year of "firsts." I was so focused on getting through that first birthday, the first Christmas, etc. Now that I'm into the second year, I feel like I'm just trying to get used to her not being here anymore. I want to call her when I get home from work and talk about my day. I want to laugh with her about stupid stuff.

What helped me in that year of firsts was doing something completely different on those special days. For example, my cousin invited me over for Christmas breakfast and in the afternoon, I went to another cousin's. That's something I had not done when Mom was alive. On my birthday, one cousin and her husband took me out to dinner. On Mom's birthday, I bought tickets to a play and invited my cousin. I did similar things after my dad died; I didn't take Mom to any of the restaurants we had been to as a family, so we couldn't think of "the last time we were here, it was with Dad." I wanted to make new memories.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2005 at 10:46AM
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jlj48

Jennifer,
I know how you feel and I've said those exact words many times, "How am I going to live the rest of my life without her" - and my dad. Today is his birthday. Oh how I wish I could call him up to wish him a happy birthday. Or better yet, go see him as a surprise. Dad died last August, 2004, Mom died March 31, 2005. My birthday is April 19th. I don't know the answers. I just try to allow myself permission to feel however I want. And like Lu said in an earlier e-mail about the holidays. Thinking about the day before it gets here is where all the work takes place. By the time the day actually arrives, you'll take it little by little and you just get through it. That's all. And it helps to think about how your mom would have wanted you to feel on your special day. Hang in there.
Joanie

    Bookmark   October 21, 2005 at 11:09AM
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lulie___wayne

I also know your pain. I'm so sorry.
Our moms gave us life and would never want their babies to have sadness or pain. Although it is normal for us to grieve and miss them so much, when it starts getting really bad at times for me, I remember that Mom wants me to be happy.
On my birthday this past Oct. 13, I brought Mom a few freshly picked flowers and laid them on her grave. I talked to her and thanked her for giving me life and for being a wonderful mom to me. After that, I had a fun day with family and friends just like I know she would have wanted me to do.
Maybe doing something of the same may help you. Give tribute to your mom and then celebrate that special day that SHE gave you. It was always special to her and she would want you to make it special for you.
I hope this helps.
Lu

    Bookmark   October 21, 2005 at 5:33PM
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jennmonkey

After my mom died, I felt the same way alot. She will never get to see my get married, have babies, etc. I just try to think that she WILL be with me, just not in the same way I always thought she would be. The first Christmas was really hard, I volunteered to work so I wouldn't have to deal with it. The one cool thing that happened that Christmas is that before my mom died (in April) she had bought these books "For my Daughter" or something like that with poems and things like that for me and my 3 sisters. My dad gave them to us that Christmas, so we were able to get a really special gift from her.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2005 at 9:25PM
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