So Angry at my husband

MrdsmomOctober 11, 2004

I have so many emotions, I can't even name them all - but mostly right now, I am hurt and angry at my husband. He was my son's step father and they didn't get along for many reasons. I lost my son in July and my husband cannot even recall the last time he had a conversation with him or spoke to him (and we all lived in the same house). While I was at the hospital during the first 15 days, while my husband did come to visit, he spent his evenings going to concerts, drinking beer, playing loud music - while I sat and watched my son on life support. Now - this past weekend, he went out with friends to a football game and I find out that they went to a strip club and all got a lap dance. I want to puke! He goes about his business as if nothing is wrong and continually asks me "what's wrong"? I wish I had divorced him before my son's accident. Maybe I would still have him. I feel like his carrying on is a slap in my face. I'm not sure what I want him to do, but going to a strip club is certainly not on the list. When I told him I didn't appreciate it, he made a joke and told me to get over it.

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I'm so sorry. I know this must hurt you so badly when you are grieving. Certainly you would want him to grieve with you. I can imagine and I know for a fact from others' experiences with step fathers and mothers that you all have a whole different dimension to deal with being that your spouse doesn't grieve the same as you since you don't share the same love for your children, even in the best of relationships.
Have you tried talking to him about your feelings regarding his flippant attitude and insensitivity towards your grief? Maybe you should tell him that it's one thing for him not to have loved your son like you do, but being that he is your husband, you would appreciate and you expect him to be considerate of your feelings. I know you must feel that you are totally alone with this. I'm so sorry. It's hard enough when you have a spouse that is grieving with you. Even then, there are separate issues that each has to deal with.
Does this man have children of his own? I know he still would not have a clue, but try telling him to imagine if he would lose one of his and ask him how he would expect you to behave just 3 months afterwards.
I wish I could make you feel better with this, but my only thoughts are that he obviously just doesn't have a clue (which no one does unless they are dealing with it), and that you should try to talk to him about your feelings.
Please keep us posted and please keep coming here. Believe me, whatever you are feeling or going through, there is someone else who can relate.
Hugs to you!

    Bookmark   October 12, 2004 at 2:31AM
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Nell Jean

Sometimes our anger over losing our loved one is visited on someone who happens to be close. Not everybody knows how to react to someone's grief. The answer to "What's wrong?" is to name your emotion and your need. "I'm sad. I need someone to sit with me and hold me while I cry." Or, "I'm angry. I need someone to go with me to (do something) to work off all this energy." Ask for what you need without blaming.

I'm confused about something that you said:
"I wish I had divorced him before my son's accident. Maybe I would still have him."

It sounds as if there are some underlying problems here. What we know is that your son died of complications of drowning and your spouse is less than supportive of your feelings. Are you blaming yourself for staying in a bad relationship, or your husband for somehow indirectly causing your son's death? Was he insensitive when you married him? Is this behavior of his usual for him or something new? It sounds as if you have lots of things to sort out. It isn't easy. Bad things happen, not because we're not good enough, nor because we make bad choices. Bad things just happen.

These are not questions for you to answer here, but points for you to think about.


    Bookmark   October 12, 2004 at 4:49PM
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i have thought about this post for a few does seem there were some serious underlying problems here before you lost your son. i am not sure if you will be able to see your way back from the damage to your heart from your husband if you both dont seek help. you are angry and hurt and resentful and these feelings only intensify with the grief you are feeling. your position as a mother puts you under a different perspective as this was your son who you feel suffered from your husbands indifference. i can only recommend that even if you choose to go alone, you need to see someone....your feelings will not likely go away alone.
i wish you luck and hope you are able to resolve this.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2004 at 10:03AM
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Please remember that everyone deals with grief differently. Look to the base of your relationship with your husband before your child passed away. . . Before you were over-whelmed with your loss. Was it a good relationship then?

My grief clouds my judgement. I am WAY less tolerant of others than I was before my brother died. I am WAY more agerssive towards others, especially in regards to protecting my mother. I am also incredibly angry at my father for his involvement in Joel's death.

Perhaps the best advise I have gotten in regards to my emotions on my father is to do nothing. I do not want to make any rash decisions in the heat of a moment and write my Dad out of my life. . . Yet I am not ready to speak with him yet. I do not want to do anything that I will regret in the future. Take it one step at a time.

And don't fool yourself into thinking that Step-fathers and mothers can't love your child as much as you love him. My step-father was more upset and more hurt, and more emotional than most of my blood relatives and he had only known my brother for five years.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2004 at 11:49AM
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The man is an ass. He should have been there with you. She should have been there for you. He is your husband and as such should have recognized your pain despite how he felt about your son. There is no excuse for it.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2009 at 10:29PM
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what jim said.

I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   March 16, 2009 at 2:56PM
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I feel for your loss deeply.
I feel that if ur husband was not there the moment u most needed, u will have to let go of him because if not, u'll make ur life ore miserable. He's obviously not in tune with u. it is time for u to surround u of people that care for u and protect u, don't waste any more time around that environment that's killing u right now. U don't deserve that undermeaning and is time for u to take action for urself once for all. U'll be amazed how good is to wake up by urself without hating anymore. Weigh out your decisions wisely, and don't do anything you are not certain of. But you will have to ask yourself, how far will you take a lifestyle that you are not in page with? U r worth a lot more than that. u deserve respect. be brave!
Be angry, in a way that motivates you enough to change, not only to whine. It is certainly painful this stage of your life, but out there is a world waiting for you. Let the memory of your son be your guide to explore the world and live again the joy of living and you have the right to choose every moment what you want to make of it.
We are all afraid of changing, but you are not alone. I am sure there is always somebody that cares about you.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2009 at 6:51PM
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yup, what jim said... you don't need this, perhaps i's time to explore all your options.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2009 at 10:01PM
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