Sister loses younger sister

mmbllbOctober 11, 2007

I am 29 years old and I lost my 25 year old sister exactly one month before her 26th birthday, and 5 months before she was to stand beside me as my maid of honor at my wedding. Lindsay was like my twin, people who did not know us couldn't tell us apart, and we were often confused. She was with me all my life. She was my childhood tag along, middle school and high school tattle tail, and my college and adult best friend. We had been distant for a few weeks. I was upset with her, and she was a bit mad at me. We are both so stubburn. She and her fiance were on their way down to my fiance's beach house to be with my parents and littlest sister the week after Easter. They were killed in a road rage incident. Some crazy cut them off and slammed on the brakes. They swerved to miss him, hit the guardrail, flipped over the embankment, and were killed instantly. The driver sped off and has not been caught. I don't really know why I am writing this except to replay it in my head. I am now left with the guilt that we hadn't talked in a week and a million other thoughts that make me feel guilty. I am also left with moments where something happens, or I see something funny and the only person who would get it or feel the way I do is gone. I am afraid I will lose my memories of her. I am afraid period. Since her death there was a funeral to plan, a wedding to plan... I had to keep going. As of September 15th I have nothing to plan. Now I am sitting here waiting for the holidays to come, and knowing that I will be a mess. I guess my question is how do I live with this guilt, loss, saddness, and knowledge my sister left me after our 26 year journey together?

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I'm so sorry.

Maybe you can put your guilty feelings in perspective by imagining that you had died & your sister had lived:

She would have the same feelings.

but you know that she loved you & that the argument would have been mended in time, & you wouldn't want your sister to feel guilty.

You would want her to remember you with the love that you both know was there all the time.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2007 at 10:29AM
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Maybe write her a letter telling her all these things and how much you love her, miss her, and all your good memories together. Keep a copy and put one on her head stone.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2007 at 1:39PM
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You've received good advice, you do need to think past the disagreement you were having and realize that you would have most certainly made up. The idea of writing a letter is a good one. My daughter was 13 when she died 2 1/2 years ago and she is survived by a sister 4 years older as well. My other daughter also went through some guilt of feeling like she wasn't the best big sister she could be, but has realized really how much they loved each other and that minor recent disagreements really didn't matter anymore.
You won't lose memories of her......but her death is so recent you need to be kind to yourself. Lean into your grief and let yourself cry when you need to, don't rush it and don't minimize your feelings or allow anyone else to either.
The holidays coming up will be hard and if you decide to do something, plan ahead but try not to be too elaborate about it and be willing to back out of your plans if you get to those days and you can't handle it. Also, you might want to try something to honor your sister during the holiday season, donate to or volunteer for her favorite cause. Something I've heard of but haven't tried is writing letters to our loved ones, reading them on Christmas Day but leaving them in something like a stocking till the following year. Then you can get them out and read them a year later and see how much you've grown during the year.

    Bookmark   October 29, 2007 at 1:45AM
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