greiving the lost of daughter

red_sadieOctober 2, 2009

My daughter died on August 24th this year. My world has completely turned inside out. I cry everyday. I'm not sure how to handle this, not sure I can handle it. She was 27 and had systemic Lupus for many years. She got so sick in 2005 she had to drop out of school and quit work and move back home. She spent those years in and out of the hospital and she fought so hard to get better. Finally she was getting better, her lupus was in remission and she had started looking around for her own place. Then she got the flu. Her body just wasn't able to handle it and she had liver failure. I'm just so sad and I know my family is worried about me but they want me to get out and start living again, but I feel I'm just not ready. I would come home everyday and there she would be so happy to see me and I miss that. I miss the times we spent together, we were not only mother and daughter we were best friends.

It hurts so much, will the hurt ever get better.

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I'm so sorry, Sadie.

Aside from the grief of losing a loved one, we expect the child to lose the parent;
no parent expects to lose her child.

My feeling is that, when we're struck a stunning blow, we have to listen to our hearts & our bodies & our brains.

If you want to cry every day, it means your heart needs those tears.

Bawl & squall & holler all you want, & if you want to climb a tree in the backyard when the moon is full & howl at the unfairness & the pain, go ahead (although you might let the neighbors know in advance).

Your dear daughter couldn't stay here;
her body just couldn't support her.

but you had a blessedly close relationship with her for her entire life.

You were fortunate indeed to have had her, & she was fortunate indeed to have had you.

Take care of yourself & remember your daughter with love;
eventually, once your heart heals a little from the shock & the loss, you'll remember her with joy.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2009 at 5:55PM
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I am so sorry for the loss of you beloved daughter.
I do not know how you feel, but I know how I feel, having lost my 18yr old son Brian to a drunk driver.
My heart is breaking for us both.
Cry and scream. cry and scream, cry and scream.
Grief will not be denied it's hold on your heart.
sending you all the love I can, to help you.
some times talking to a stranger helps. feel free to email me.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2009 at 12:03AM
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope the good memories of your love and your time spent together will be a comfort for you as time goes by.

You asked if the hurt will get better, I can tell you from watching my Aunt lose her son that the hurt is probably always there but life does get easier to cope with. My Aunt is enjoying her life now, she still misses her son of course, but she is able to smile again. It took a long time to get to that point. I think she was in shock for a while. He was only 10 years old.

I'm sending you all my prayers and thoughts. (((hugs)))

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 2:08AM
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Sadie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious child.
I too have lost my daughter. She was 19 and was hit by a truck trying to save the life of our dog. I miss my baby girl every single day, but it has been 11 years now, and I can honestly tell you that it does get better. You learn to deal with it. Your life will never ever be the same, but you can have happy moments again.
Try to do good things to honor her memory. We started two college scholarships in Christin's name, give to charity in her name, have a memorial tree in our front yard, etc. Think of something that your daughter believed in strongly, and try to give to that cause in her memory.
I promise you that doing these things will help you feel better. It's almost like you can keep a small part of them alive this way.
We were fortunate to have one of her former teachers/author write, with my help, a novel depicting Christin's last four years of life. It is entitled, CHRISTIN, and is on or In the book, I also hope to give other mothers hope that there is life after their child dies. The writing of this book has helped me. Maybe you could write, and self publish one for your daughter.
I wish you well and God bless you. Please let me know how you are doing. Feel free to email me if you like.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Website

    Bookmark   October 12, 2009 at 8:59PM
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Dear Sadie,

There is nothing so painful, in my experience, as losing a child. Nothing. My heart is with you.

My precious 32 year old son, Ben, died suddenly while on a business trip to England this past June 28 (2009) and so, I can identify with your pain, as can other bereaved mothers. He left behind a beautiful wife and (then) 6 month old baby; a brother; parents: step-parents and beloved friends. We have all been shattered by our loss of him.

One thing that helps me is to tell the truth when people ask how I'm doing (an almost impossible question to answer, isn't it?) -- I thank them for asking and, depending on who is asking, say anything from, "It's very painful and I'm moving through it" to " I am completely and utterly devastated." .. I don't say "Fine, thanks". If anyone says something heartless, I say "That was heartless" and leave. If someone says something "stupid", I say, "That was not helpful" and if it makes any sense, I'll suggest a more helpful thing to say. Or not.

I am respecting my grief by slowing down but still participating in life as I'm able. I don't make myself wrong for this. Each morning since my son Ben's death, miraculously, I get out of bed, shower and move as gently as possible through my day. Many of those days have included fury; I'm gentle with myself about that too. I can now cook and do light cleaning and other household tasks. I am unable to work (the nature of my work requires me to be present to other's suffering; I simply cannot do that right now. Recently, I have been able to thank my husband for his continued support .. before that, I just leaned on him, which was fine)I go to supportive groups - religious and therapeutic, spend time with family (those family members who can be supportive, not others) and sometimes lunch with understanding friends. I cry a lot, I pray and I stay in touch w/my son in this way. By evening time, I'm really ready to just be very quiet and so, I'm quiet.

My family of origin has hardly been in touch with me, which is very painful. It does not help me to reach out to people who cause me pain, so I don't do that. The most surprising people have been kind and comforting.

Four months after Ben's death, I can say that my relationship to the terrible pain my son's death is changing. It's not that it doesn't hurt, it does (and sometimes the pain is utterly overwhelming) - it's that as my acceptance (of what I can never want) grows, my relationship to the reality of his death changes. I choose to believe that I will continue to have a relationship with my son. I believe this is possible due to the eternal nature of love. This is a mystery we all need to grapple with within ourselves, but I can say for me, that having experienced the loving place my son is in now as real is helping me move into my life in a new way. Taking the time I need, one day - one moment at a time - has helped me continue to do the impossible.

Bless you on your journey and stay in touch w/other bereaved parents who understand.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2009 at 5:49PM
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Sadie, I completely and utterly understand exactly what you are going through. I just recently lost my 21 yr old daughter on Nov 15th, 2009 due to a intercranial hemmorage. I am completely anguished and lost since her passing, SHe too was my best of friend and my confidaunt. I miss her terribly and wish that she could be here with me right now. I miss her kisses, hugs and her saying I love you to me. I hope that maybe with everyone here, we both can seek guidance on our feeling and if you ever want to talk please fell free. Maybe we can help each other get through this tough time.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2009 at 1:14AM
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To all of you, I am sorry for your losses. I watched the pain of the loss of your children in my mother. My sister passed away nearly twenty years ago to a decade and half long dance with cancer. My mom was a changed person from the moment of the initial diagnosis, and if it was remotely possible for her to fall into a deeper depression after my sister died, she did.

My mom refused to move forward from that immense loss and my dad and I (they only had two kids) paid a very heavy price for it. It was like my dad and I no longer existed. My birthday was a few months after my losing my sister. My mom asked me if I really needed to have a cake. I told her I didn't, and I understood, but I was still hurt because that delicious cake was the only thing she ever gave me for my b-day each year. All holidays went the same way as the cake. Ironically, my mom always said that "life was for the living" and not to dwell when people pass. She should have followed her own advice because her refusal to participate in her life and ours destroyed our family. My father confided to a good family friend that he was going to discontinue taking his heart meds because he couldn't take my mom any longer. She was never happy and never want to go anywhere. She drained the life out of him and he died a few months later - at Christmas.

I guess what I am try to tell all of you is to take the time you need to grieve and heal, but don't get stuck there. I'm sure your loved ones wouldn't want you and your families to suffer like ours.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2009 at 11:59AM
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Daisy, that was a lovely post.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2009 at 6:22PM
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Sadie, I was just wanting to see how you have been doing? I am truely sorry for what you have to go through and I understand how you feel. If you ever want to talk I am a good listener and I will try to help you deal as I am willing to have help also. My daughter Ashley was my life and I miss that part of my life sooo much. Please know that I am hear if needed.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2009 at 11:52PM
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