lost my mother earlier this month
It's been just over three weeks now since I lost my mother at age 65. She had been supporting my father's recovery from a serious illness that nearly killed him and kept him in the hospital for six months. She died one month after he came home. I think the stress of having her spouse in the hospital for so long may have done her in, but I concluded this in hindsight and was completely blindsided by her passing. She was such a good friend of mine that I do not know how I will ever recover from this loss. The pain is no longer raw like it was the first two weeks. I don't cry every time I think of her any more. But I have this gentle sadness that stays with me all of the time. As her oldest daughter, I was her confidant during the time that my father was in the hospital. I replay in my head every conversation I had with her in the weeks leading up to her death for clues that she may have known that she was dying. I examine my cell phone bill to see when was the exact minute I last spoke with her on the night before she passed away. I am full of guilt; I know it is not rational, but I still wonder if I could have done something differently that would have changed the outcome of this. My father is still recovering from his illness and now grieving his spouse, and I am so sure that he is not going to make it through the next six months that I am pulling away from him to try and protect myself from the pain. Any advice would be appreciated.