Sunday Check In

lulie___wayneOctober 2, 2005

I know that many of you won't read this post until after Sunday, maybe weeks after, but I was just wondering if everyone could check in and just share where you are now in your grief if you feel inclined. Sometimes it helps just to verbalize or write different aspects of grief. Maybe it might help you to figure out just where you are at this point.

I'm seven years into my grief for my daughter and a year into it for my mom. The two griefs are very different since Christin left us very suddenly and was full of life and hope for a bright future. Mom was sick and had lived a good, long life. I miss them both very much and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, miss them and reminisce of days gone by. I visit their graves often and continue to cherish some of their personal belongings.

It's weird for me to go to visit my dad and not see and hear mom there with her loving, cheerful greetings and hospitality. I miss so much about her.

Christin's room is still as it was with most of her clothing still in her closet.... something that I really feel that I need to tend to so that my son won't have to do it someday. I know that someone maybe could be using her clothes. That part of the grief process has been one of my major snags. Her belongings is all I have left of her.

Anyway, the pain of my loss of both of them is still there. I know I will not "get over it" EVER. I am only learning to deal with it. It is my new life now.


Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

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Thanks Lulie for giving us an opportunity to talk about how we are feeling now and for sharing your thoughts.
It is almost 7 months since my son Glenn died after a six month fight against metastasised melanoma which recurred after 5 years from his initial diagnosis when he was 24. Some days it feels like yesterday when I held his hand and watched his beautiful blue eyes as he left. Other days it seems like forever since I held him. I still have memories of his pain and suffering but also of his incredible bravery. As we all have to do, I deal with the everyday but mostly in a detached way as though I am standing back and watching instead of really being here. I can laugh and joke with people but I am not even sure if I really feel anything much. I sleep better now which is good.
I am still not totally in control of my emotions and there have been times when I have had to return home from a planned outing because something sets me off as I am driving  a song on the radio, a blue car like GlennÂs or another driver with sunglasses and a goatee beard or just nothing in particular. Then all I want is to get back to a safe place and not have to see anyone. Fortunately these times as lessening but still take me by surprise sometimes. I am easily able to talk about Glenn and old times when I am with friends and love to do so but find that almost everyone changes the subject and looks uncomfortable if I do so. I talk about him naturally and not continuously, just as I have always done over the 30 yrs of his life but wish just someone would say  I remember when Glenn did..... or anything about him so I know he is not forgotten. I know they worry that they might upset me but talking a little about him would be so much kinder. That is something I now know to do when I am speaking with other bereaved people in the future.
I can understand you keeping ChristinÂs room as it was and believe you are the only one who will know when it is time to change things. Glenn was married and had his own home, so I donÂt have to deal with that. His wife Heidi has given me a pair of his jeans and a t-shirt which still smell of him and I have the pillowcase his head was on when he died and of course all the keepsakes and photos from his younger life. Heidi and I each have one of his size 12 thongs (flip-flops) with the imprint of his big foot. I also have a tiny urn which some of GlennÂs ashes which Heidi gave to me. Occasionally I will pop this into my handbag and take them with me saying "come on Glenny-boy, IÂll take you out for a drive" Â he was such a petrol head with a wicked sense of humour who didnÂt want us to be morbid and would hate us to make a shrine to him. The urn at his home gets moved around frequently and is usually covered with one of his Ford car caps. His 7yr old son talks about him naturally and occasionally sets up the urn on the table surrounded by model cars and puts on his dadÂs favourite heavy metal music for him. He has always done this and I think he is coping really well because nothing has been hidden from him and his questions have always been answered. He chats away to his daddy frequently and tells him all about his day. He loves me to tell him stories about his dad as a little boy like him. This is good for me as well.
I have been scanning and organising all the photos but have not finished. I realised recently that part of me doesnÂt want to finish because in some ways that will be like saying  that was all there was of Glenn  there isnÂt any more. But that is something I can do at my own pace. From time to time I am still overwhelmed but the feeling that it is all a nightmare and that there is no way it can be true. Then it is such as slap of reality a moment later but again that is not happening so frequently.
I did find it almost impossible to go to GlennÂs home and was constantly waiting for him to walk in the door or to hear him in his shed. It was much easier to meet up with Heidi and Jake somewhere else. The other week though, I housesat for 4 days while they had a little break away and it was good for me. It gave me a chance to walk around his 5 acres and feel close to him on my own. The first night two light bulbs blew within minutes of each other but other than that I felt very comfortable and slept well.
Sorry, this has turned into a long post but I could write forever. Like all of us, I have survived, have from time to time wished I was dead, hated the world and everybody in it and been surprised by the amount of rage in me. Friends I have thought I could depend on have let me down and people that I least expected have come forward. Life does go on as I learned over the years from other losses, parents, sister, friends but none of those left me with the feeling of being no longer whole as has the loss of my son. My two boys were my life for more than 30 years, my reason for being, and always will be. I do have a sense of Glenn being not far away from me, giving me strength and reminding me to stand up for myself and not worry about what other people think and that is a kind of freedom. Nothing can ever hurt as much as this as long as my younger son Brendan is safe and I know I never have to worry about Glenn again  he is my big eagle, soaring in high places and one day I will find him again. Until then I will do the best I can and make him proud of his Mum. Elspeth

    Bookmark   October 3, 2005 at 12:08AM
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Thanks for posting this topic and giving us a chance to share. I lost my sweet Daddy 1 year ago August 5th, and my sweet mother March 31st of this past spring. It has all really been just too much for me. I am the youngest, not that my siblings didn't need them but I just felt that I need them so much. I still so often feel like a little girl. And I have so many regrets, most of which I have no control - like why did I move so far away and hurt them so? And when I moved closer (4 hours away) why didn't I visit them more. We talked daily and mom never got over losing dad. They were married 57 years and she just didn't have an identity without him. I was with them both at the end and am so glad for that. It was so hard to see the pain, feel the pain, and be in the pain with my siblings. I have grown a little closer to my sisters but not my brothers. My oldest brother hasn't spoken to us since mom's funeral except for the nasty letter that he wrote to all of us blaming us for things and being misinformed about lots of details surrounding their deaths and the business side of things afterwards. I wrote him a quick note back telling him how much he has hurt me and how mom and dad would have wanted us to be close. I told him that I would honor mom and dad's legacy and not retaliate or defend myself but that I would not be reaching out to him again. I also told him that I hope he comes to know the Lord and gain peace in his heart. That was in June. I really don't expect to ever see him again.
I hurt so much for Mom and Dad that I truly cannot bear to think about them. It probaby isn't healthy but I do not look at pictures of them, do not talk much about them unless I burst uncontrollaby into tears, and I do not reread old letters. It's just too painful. I'm going to have to figure out how to remember them without dredging up the pain. I still think of their deaths when I remember and I just can't do that. I can't believe their gone most days and that I have to raise my children and live the rest of my life without them. Hubby lost his job and we will likely be relocating soon. I so wish I could ask their advise on everything. We have been so busy with all of that. But I have learned that I need friendships, female and couple friendships. I need people to talk to. So I hope I can get something established when we get settled. I am so lonely sometimes. I just told mom everything. She was my best friend and my dad was the smartest man I'll ever know. I wrote hime a poem before he died. No time to write one for my mom before we lost her. Maybe I'll be strong enough to get it out and share it sometime. Hugs and blessings to all of you reading this. Hang in there through all the pain. One day at a time. That's what I'm doing. Thank you all for being there for me when I've needed you.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2005 at 10:44PM
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Hi Lulie, Thanks for letting us check in. As you know, I lost my son much as you lost your daughter, only the woman who killed him was elderly and shouldn't have been driving. Along with him, his little girl died, too. My husband and I still have good days and bad days, and regrets, too. We have lots of good memories that we keep with us, but his wife prevented us from having much interaction with them, and so our memories of the last ten years are fewer, though we had some wonderful times with Millie, our granddaughter. We miss them both so much, and sometimes, the burden of this is overwhelming. We've tried to keep their spirits and memories alive. We've donated books to Millie's school and funds to Dave's high school. This year, we are giving money to the zoo to "adopt" some turtles,
Dave's favorite non-extinct animal. My friends at school made a garden spot with a bench, trees, and plantings and a plaque dedicating it to them. I see it every day as I leave school. There's a beautiful garden at Millie's school, too, and I've seen pictures of it. I think as long as people remember and miss them, they remain with us. I have to lean on my wonderful husband. We've helped each other try to work through this. Our circle of friends has been so supportive, too. Still, some days are very hard, and we're trying our best to cope. There can be no greater burden than losing a child. I think of you all so often and have wondered how everyone is. It really does help to talk, both to friends and here. Thanks.

    Bookmark   October 4, 2005 at 4:17PM
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Hi Lulie, Thank you for checking in you have a heart of gold.Well I hit the three month mark without my husband, And I still feel like I am just in a daze. There are some days I don't even know if its night or day. Mom has been taking the kids lately so I can try to get some rest.I still cant sleep or eat.I have lost 45 pounds.I really have been trying to get back to normal . but I dont even know what normal is.I feel like I take one step forward and five steps backward.My husbands birthday is saturday the 8th.I have been fighting with the cemetery because they still have not got his headstone out there yet.I have it decorated real nice. My son put his toy cars there that daddy would love.I have been a little distant from his family lately. my father in law and I got into an argument and I lost alot of respect for him. My husband always said his dad was money hungry but I never would have imagined him trying to take my insurance money. They also get mad at me for talking to my husbands best friend( they think the accident was his fault). So its just been real hard on me Then the holidays are coming up it just seems like my days are never going to get better.I know im not the only one who is going thru this and you all give me hope that some day I will be o.k. I want to be o.k but I dont know how to live without him he was my everything.I see how you all have alot of support with friends and family maybe thats the difference between us. It may seem pathetic but I really have no friends when I say my husband was my life I really mean it. My closest friend is 1500 miles away from me.I would work and come home to my family now i just try to get thru the day.My family is pretty much all I have , but there again they all have families of there own and I cant expect them to give up there life just to be with me.So I really do feel all alone and it hurts so bad I just wish it would all go away. I know we have all said this before I wish I could turn back time to when I could smile and enjoy my family.thank you again Lulie for doing a check up on all of us. tracy

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 3:32AM
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Hi Lulie, thank you for the check in. My heart goes out to all of you. You know I don't really get alot of time to read everyones stories and this is really good to just kind of know everyone a little. I don't know your whole story Lulie but I would like to hear more about your Daughter and Mom. Since my Dad died I am always scared that something could happen to my Mom I pray everynight for God to just keep her safe. I can't believe how much it scares me. When I read Joanie's story I feel so sorry for her to lose he Dad and then her Mom just months later. And Sudipav to lose her son and granddaughter all at once. My heart just breaks for all of you here. tjmondragon i'm so sorry that you feel all alone, just know that you can always turn here and people are listening and are all so sincere. And some things that EJP773 said really hit me. When she said about seeing someone that would remind her of her son. When I read that I remembered (I had completely forgotten about it) just after my Dad passed away, we were all at his house and I was in the kitchen when I walked in the living room there was this man all I could see was the back of him, and for that moment I could of sworn that he was my Dad, oh gosh i'm crying right now thinking about it, my heart just stopped and all I could think was could it be possible. Then he turned around and it was the Pastor from my Dad's church. There are so many things we do just to feel close to our loved ones when they're gone. The night my Dad died I drove down to his house, that night I slept in his bed and on the pillow he was laying on when he died. It was the best night sleep I think I ever had. I know it's crazy but I just felt like he was there with me. He had been laying there just hours before. Everyone says that he died a peacefull death, in his bed asleep, and that many people wish for that to be the way they go. But how do I know it was paecefull, I pray to god that it was. I can remember me uncle telling us that when he went in to check on my dad the first time he called out Sam and moved him a little and he said that my dad kind of turned over and mumbled something and he just left him alone cause he thought he was bothering him. I can imagin him trying to say help me, help me and he didn't know, oh Lord help me get threw this. I don't think the "what ifs" and "if onlys" will ever stop. Something the Reverend said at the funeral "You hear alot of people say "he's in a better place now", But it's not a better place it's the BEST PLACE" And I do get peace from that he's in a place where he never has to take pain medication again and he doesn't hurt anymore. I just know that I will spend the rest of my life making everything better. I'm in a hard place right now but I have so much faith in God and I know that he will take care of everything. God bless all of you. I will keep everyone in my prayers. Jennifer

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 6:11AM
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Your stories have really touched me and I don't feel alone in my grief. I thought maybe I was being a little far out there when I wouldn't let anyone use the pillow my grandson last slept on at our home. Now I know it's okay.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 10:08AM
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tjmondragon, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. And I wanted to tell you that I know how you feel about feeling so alone. I, too feel like I have no friends or family. I know what you mean about your family being your whole life. That's how it is with me. And it's scary to love someone so much. Because we can't live forever. But I guess that everyone feels the same way too. That their families are THEIR whole lives. It hurts to not hear from those I thought were my friends. And to have to make ALL the effort if their is to be contact. And my extended family is spread out all over the place. I'm just trying to love and appreciate what I have and be open to new friendships as they happen naturally. Women, especially really do need people to talk to. That's why this forum is so great. You don't have to worry about boring a friend by hashing over the same stuff. You guys all understand because you've been there and you are there. Everyone's words are powerful and healing. I'm thankful for all of you.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 11:12PM
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Lulie, it's always good to hear from you. I seem to be having an especially rough week. My grief over my daughter is always paramount, but tonight on the way home from work I found myself missing my parents so deeply that I cried all the way home. I was amazed to realize that it's been ten years since Mama died, and my dad was two years before that. She was actually my stepmother, but I think of her as my mother as my mom had died when I was nine, and Mama married my father when I was eleven.

I think part of my tears was triggered by my husband's illness. He's been in a nursing home for two years, and right now he has pneumonia. They have told me not to come because they have so many cases there and it's highly contagious. I hate the thought of him suffering any more. I always hope he's unaware of his surroundings, because he never wanted to end up in a nursing home.

I've been writing about my daughter Jill, and that's brought up a lot of feelings, too. It's important that I do this, but it's hard. It's been four years since she died. I've been blessed with many signs from her, and these continue to come. Because we were so close, I have no regrets about our relationship. But I miss her so much.

When my mother died, I said to Jill, "No one will ever sound that happy to hear my voice on the phone again." She replied, "I will." And she always did.


    Bookmark   October 6, 2005 at 10:39PM
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Nell Jean

I read this post timely, but did not respond.

Two years have passed since my son died in a motor vehicle accident.
I am no less grieved but I have found ways to deal with life that are more appropriate than a year ago or more. (I've crept out of my shell a little bit.)

Others remember, too. My step-granddaughter included mention of him in her wedding program, which touched me deeply.

We are trying to make new traditions for the Holidays. It isn't easy.


    Bookmark   November 12, 2005 at 5:26PM
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Nell, that's what it's all about, I guess. We have new lives now and have to adjust to it the best way that we can.
I know that it feel great to have others remember our loved ones in their celebrations and also by naming their babies after our loved ones.
I'm glad that you are creeping out of your shell! You will probably do it more and more as time goes on.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2005 at 6:31PM
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hi all
I would have replied earlier only a kind person decided to break into my house, while we were sleeping and steal my late sons computer and my handbag. lucky I think we disturbed them, otherwise a lot of other things would have been taken. I now have a replacement one, but it will never replace Adams computer. There were a lot of his personal stuff on it, which I can never replace. The 18th nov will be his 23rd birthday (gosh I miss him so much) his 2nd away from home the only comfort I get is knowing he is with my parents, my dad died only 5 weeks after my son and also his dear friend Brendan died 25th aug this yr age 25.
Adam was an inspiration to everyone who met him he never complained about his disability, and had the most wicked sense of humour and a unique laugh which when I think about always brings a smile to my face.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2005 at 5:36AM
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God, but it's easy to take me back to that time and place. I am still so far away from putting his memory to rest. It sears me with burning pain, like now, a few times a week, and every day I think about him and regret the loss. I miss him so much. I love him so much. I just wish we could hang out again, I want to hug him again and I want to hear his voice. It sometimes hurts so bad.... but sometimes I can think and talk about his death objectively. I told someone about it today matter of factly, as if it happened to someone else. Then I come home and I am drawn to the things I wrote, which captured the pain of his departure. The pain is all still there, deep inside of me... I'm beginning to think it won't ever go away. I want to put him to rest and celebrate his life but I still just can't get the image of his dead body out of my mind. I wish he could have been saved, if I was there I would have saved him. I wish it had been me instead of him, maybe I would be easier to put to rest since I'm not as f***ing awesome as he was. He will never talk much in my dreams and it always feels as though there is a wall between us - the wall being composed of my living conciousness and his dead body rotting in the ground. It's not f***ing fair, so many stupid people are alive and my wonderful baby brother and friend is dead and gone forever. I need to see him again someday, if I found out for sure that there is no afterlife I would probably jump off a cliff too.

In the years before his death, I used to grab him and plant a kiss on his cheek, he hated that.

But when he was a little boy he used to kiss my cheek every day before school, "give your sissy a kiss" my mom used to say. One time she said "give your kissy a siss" and we laughed and laughed, and it stayed with me all these years.

Thinking of him as that adorable little boy makes me feel like I'm being killed... it literally feels like I am dying as my head clouds and tears roll down my face.... I miss him so much.

Sometimes in my car I ask him to sit in my passenger seat and I talk to him. But he isn't really there, he never will be, he'll never be 20 or 30, he's f***ing dead. It still doesn't make any damn sense to me and I have no idea why I can't let him "rest in peace". I loved him too much for that. After losing my big brother I loved him even more. That love is keeping me down and making it so I still can't say goodbye and celebrate his life.

I was reading a book in the sun while he was drowning....

    Bookmark   November 18, 2005 at 4:33AM
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