I lost my Mom and my best friend all in one day...

ruddickOctober 10, 2008

I have been reading through the posts about people losing their Mothers and mine is a similar story.

I lost my Mom to Breast to Bone cancer on August 12, 2008. It was the most horrible day of my entire life. She was so strong and healthy, but took HRT for seven years till she found a tiny pea size lump in her breast. She ended up getting it removed and was considered "cured". We were so happy that everything was great. We thought we had dodged a bullet, but it ended up coming back 7 years later. I remember when she told me and I cried and cried. I could not believe it was back.

She survived 8 years more with the bone cancer. They thought it had spread to her liver also. She went through chemo and seemed to be doing very well. She was there when I had my little girl in April of 2007. I was so happy that she was able to get around and could enjoy my daughter. I prayed to God every night for a miracle to happen to make her healthy so she could see my daughter grow up. In April of 2008 she started to get sick again. She didn't want chemo at the time and they decided to try to get her into a trial. She didn't qualify at the very last second, so they had wasted about two months doing nothing. At this time, she came to live with me. I loved having her close to me so I could watch over her. My sisters didn't come around a lot. They were very jealous of the relationship that I had with my Mom. They convinced her that she was well enough to go home. I do not think I will ever forgive my sisters for this. My Mom ended up going home and starting chemo. I went to her house first thing in the morning, at noon, at five, and then in the evenings to make sure she got something to eat and was ok.

At her final doctors appointment, they decided she was too weak for a chemo treatment. She came back home with me that night. We sat and watched TV and played with my little girl. I kept thinking that some way God was going to heal her and everything was going to be ok. I thought if I could get her healthy enough to take the chemo, she would be ok. We spent that week doing her nails, reading to her and just sitting next to her. She wasn't scared to die. I was scared to live without her though.

A week later, she was in Hospice. They told me that they were going to take her in to help control her symptoms and she would be back at my house before I knew it. I went to Hospice and slept next to her every night. I found her favorite movie that helped her through chemo and played it for her. We were in there for 12 days. She didn't speak for most of those days, but looked at me one morning and told me that she loved me and was going to miss me...then tears rolled down her face. I instantly knew that she was never going to make it out of the hospital and broke down.

The day she died, my sister decided to go to work instead of staying with her. We were watching Mrs. Doubtfire for the 5th time and a friend called to say she was going to be coming by for lunch. We were talking and I realized that her breathing had changed. I am pretty sure the nurses had known she was going to go because they had sent the Chaplin in several times and they had come in to visit several times. I pushed the nurses button and kept pushing it. My Mom took one more breath, said I love you and was gone. It was very peaceful..nothing like I had thought it was going to be.

I know my Mom is in a better place and is not in any pain, but I have a whole in my heart. She is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. She always had a great sense of humor. We used to joke about how she would send me signs to let me know she was there. One day I was feeling really low and I asked her to send me a feather or some sort of sign to let me know she was still with me. I walked out on the porch that night and a feather was at the end of the patio. There have been several things like this, but boy would I give my left leg to just call her and talk to her. It is really hard with my little girl because my Mom and her had a close connection. My Mom would have loved to read to her, play with her, and teach her all the silly songs that she used to sing to us when we were little.

It has been two months and it still hurts so much. I have gotten into the bad habit of trying to fill the whole with food...not good for your figure : ) I just miss her so much. Everyone says it gets easier, but I don't believe it. I knew I was going to hurt, but I didn't think it was going to be a physical pain also. I do not have any aunts or uncle (he died in 2000) close to help me. I am pretty much on my own. I do have a great husband, but he doesn't understand. He has always had grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even cousins around. I didn't have any of these. My grandparents died when my Mom was 10 and 12. My Mom was all my relatives wrapped in one. My grandmother died of the same thing my Mom did, so now I am having gene testing done. My Mom used to come to all my apts. and my daughters, but now I go to them alone. It kills me to see other women out with their Moms. I hate to feel jealous, but I am. I keep wondering why God took my Mom because that is all I had. I just feel so alone.

Ok, I have wrote a novel! I just thought it might help, but now I am just crying like crazy... thanks for letting me write though.

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I so understand what you are feeling. I lost my dad to Parkinsons 4 years ago and it still hurts. But losing a mother just goes to a much different place of pain I think. There is no love like that of a mother,I hurt for you just reading your story...

    Bookmark   October 10, 2008 at 5:14PM
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I'm so sorry.

I think the suddenness & absoluteness of loss, even when you know it's coming, can be stunning.

Even if you can't bring yourself to reach out to others for companionship, do find things to do that will reinforce the value of the way your mother lived;

she loved you, & you can honor her by living your own life fully, vividly, & meaningfully.

Take good care of yourself;
go to those appointments knowing that your mother would want you to live a long healthy life & that this is the way to do it.

For right now, you can join a group of breast cancer "survivors", either those who have had breast cancer or those who have lost loved ones to this terrible disease.

They may be able to go with you to your appointments,
they can hear about your loss,
they can share their stories with you.

In the future, when you're stronger, you can help other women with cancer;
you can drive them to appointments,
you can let them talk,
you can share your story with them.

You can help.

I'm holding you in my thoughts & in my heart.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2008 at 7:27PM
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Hi Ruddick,

I feel your pain.......I too lost my mother on August 9, 2008 and the world has not been the same for me. You have found a place that will help you to heal, if only a little at a time.

My Momma also had a long courageous battle with cancer that spanned many, many years.

Now that I am on my journey thru this world without her I have found there are many things that will never change, no matter where she is or where I am.

1. She will ALWAYS be my mother.
2. She will ALWAYS love me.
3. I will ALWAYS be her daughter.
4. I will ALWAYS love her.
4. Love IS more than a feeling and Forever IS more than a word.

I do not know your beliefs but the most important thing for me is believing that because we shared something so deep and meaningful we will recognize one another when I begin my journey to the other side. Everyday I am here now means I am one more day closer to "seeing" her again and this is what gets me by. I have to honor her and find a way to enjoy life again. To wither away would destroy her and that hurts me to think of it. I believe my faith is helping me find my way, even in the darkness.

Please come back here when you feel you need to express your feelings/thoughts. The people I have "met" here have brought me comfort and helped me to cry and everyday I get over the speed bump a little more.

Blessings and hugs to you,


    Bookmark   October 13, 2008 at 7:47AM
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I feel your pain. I lost my Mother to cancer 7 months ago. It's so hard when she was both Mom and your best friend. It's to soon to try to think anything, but when you do get out of the fog think of how lucky you were to have such a special person in your life , that helps me. I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain it's really going to take time. Thank god for your daughter she will help you get through this. Write your Mother in a journal that helps. Many hugs Darzie

    Bookmark   October 13, 2008 at 4:53PM
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I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Mother in May and it will take a long time. My died of COPD and lost a friend a few weeks ago to breast cancer. My Dad died last July. It is tough. My DH is disabled with MS and gave up when diagnosed 9 years ago. My feelings are that nothing will be the same but we can make a new normal. It just takes time. I would suggest if you don't already to get a support team of friends who you can talk to or cry on their shoulders. You may want to look into counseling through Hospice. I know that they have a greiving class from time to time.

    Bookmark   October 15, 2008 at 8:08PM
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Hello all... thanks for all the kind words. I am still trying to struggle through the day. Somedays I am ok, but others not that great. It was her birthday on October 20th. She would have been 64 or "39" as she would have said. We went to the park and fed the ducks... she always liked to do that. I also brought daisys and popped the tops off and placed them in the water. I miss the way that I would call her and she would be willing to go with me on what ever adventure I wanted to go on that day. She was always there for me. I know I am lucky to have a person like that and that it was my Mom, but it hurts no less.

I am trying to build a new "normal". It is rough though because everything I do reminds me of her. I started to move around furniture in our house and I was thinking that everything I touched we bought together. She was a great decorator and I have no decorating sense at all.

I just wonder when the feeling that I am completly lost and alone will go away. The holidays are coming and I hate it. I think we are going to plan a vacation at Christmas so I don't have to think about it. I don't know about Thanksgiving. Mom used to make the best mashed potatoes. This is so freaking hard.

I think I am going to check into counseling again. It is so hard because I put on a strong face when I am out, but crumble when I get to my car or at home. I talk to my husband, but I don't think he really understands.

What do you all do for the holidays?? Any ideas on how to get through them?

    Bookmark   October 24, 2008 at 2:24PM
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Ruddick, I know exactly what you are talking about. I break down driving all the time...and that isn't good driving through the tears and haze. My mama passed in Jan.06 and the holidays are a little better now, but of course will never be the same. The first year my wife put up the tree and decorations and I lost it. She took everything down. I just couldn't stand to go through the motions like everything is just ducky when my mom wasn't around for the holidays. I still find it unbelieveable that she is gone. I know that we all have to pass from this world sometime, but I wasn't ready for her to go. Truth be told I never would be.

As far as advice goes a vacation for Christmas might be a good idea. Next year you might be ready to resume somewhat normal activities. All in time.

Take care.


    Bookmark   October 24, 2008 at 4:54PM
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I know I would lose it if I even went near the decorations. I just don't know how I am going to make it through it all. I have been crying nonstop for the last three days. Everything reminds me of her.

Yeah, I knew eventually that she would pass, but I just thought it would be later than sooner you know? I was always telling her that it would be ok and that God would keep you here because she had lost her parents at such a young age that he wouldn't deny her of the joy of watching her grandchildren growing up... boy was I wrong. My daughter is only 18 months...who is she going to take to school for grandparents day? People don't think of that type of stuff or don't think that it matters, but I always felt a loss not having grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins around. I even had a teacher tell me one time that it was impossible to not have any grandparents.

I even start to cry when I watch my daughter's shows like Sid the Science Kid. The grandmother always picks him up from school and I think to myself that that is exactly what my Mom would want to do. She wanted so much to take care of my daughter when I decided to go back to work. She loved her so much. I know this must sound silly... I just miss her so much. I don't know how to put my life back together because she was my life. I fell like I am only half a person now instead of feeling like she is with me. I feel so alone.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2008 at 10:15AM
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Ruddick, my Mom passed 6/25/08, I love her and miss her so very much, she was my dearest Mom and my best friend. It is so difficult to accept that she is not here, we shared so much and loved each other deeply. I have also come to realize that she was my life. I so appreciate what you have shared and the way you have expressed yourself, I hope you share some more. I feel you have a gift for writing too. Thank you, Deb

    Bookmark   December 5, 2008 at 1:27AM
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I feel the pain, I am sorry for your loss! My mom passed on August 18th and I cant cope at all.I can't even write or sleep or work or think. Thank you for expressing yourself because people do not understand that I can't just bounce back. My cousin lost her dad, my uncle 2 years ago and I know this hurt her so much, but I still don't think anyone understands what I feel. You helped a lot!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 6:00AM
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