I lost my Mom and my best friend all in one day...
I have been reading through the posts about people losing their Mothers and mine is a similar story.
I lost my Mom to Breast to Bone cancer on August 12, 2008. It was the most horrible day of my entire life. She was so strong and healthy, but took HRT for seven years till she found a tiny pea size lump in her breast. She ended up getting it removed and was considered "cured". We were so happy that everything was great. We thought we had dodged a bullet, but it ended up coming back 7 years later. I remember when she told me and I cried and cried. I could not believe it was back.
She survived 8 years more with the bone cancer. They thought it had spread to her liver also. She went through chemo and seemed to be doing very well. She was there when I had my little girl in April of 2007. I was so happy that she was able to get around and could enjoy my daughter. I prayed to God every night for a miracle to happen to make her healthy so she could see my daughter grow up. In April of 2008 she started to get sick again. She didn't want chemo at the time and they decided to try to get her into a trial. She didn't qualify at the very last second, so they had wasted about two months doing nothing. At this time, she came to live with me. I loved having her close to me so I could watch over her. My sisters didn't come around a lot. They were very jealous of the relationship that I had with my Mom. They convinced her that she was well enough to go home. I do not think I will ever forgive my sisters for this. My Mom ended up going home and starting chemo. I went to her house first thing in the morning, at noon, at five, and then in the evenings to make sure she got something to eat and was ok.
At her final doctors appointment, they decided she was too weak for a chemo treatment. She came back home with me that night. We sat and watched TV and played with my little girl. I kept thinking that some way God was going to heal her and everything was going to be ok. I thought if I could get her healthy enough to take the chemo, she would be ok. We spent that week doing her nails, reading to her and just sitting next to her. She wasn't scared to die. I was scared to live without her though.
A week later, she was in Hospice. They told me that they were going to take her in to help control her symptoms and she would be back at my house before I knew it. I went to Hospice and slept next to her every night. I found her favorite movie that helped her through chemo and played it for her. We were in there for 12 days. She didn't speak for most of those days, but looked at me one morning and told me that she loved me and was going to miss me...then tears rolled down her face. I instantly knew that she was never going to make it out of the hospital and broke down.
The day she died, my sister decided to go to work instead of staying with her. We were watching Mrs. Doubtfire for the 5th time and a friend called to say she was going to be coming by for lunch. We were talking and I realized that her breathing had changed. I am pretty sure the nurses had known she was going to go because they had sent the Chaplin in several times and they had come in to visit several times. I pushed the nurses button and kept pushing it. My Mom took one more breath, said I love you and was gone. It was very peaceful..nothing like I had thought it was going to be.
I know my Mom is in a better place and is not in any pain, but I have a whole in my heart. She is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. She always had a great sense of humor. We used to joke about how she would send me signs to let me know she was there. One day I was feeling really low and I asked her to send me a feather or some sort of sign to let me know she was still with me. I walked out on the porch that night and a feather was at the end of the patio. There have been several things like this, but boy would I give my left leg to just call her and talk to her. It is really hard with my little girl because my Mom and her had a close connection. My Mom would have loved to read to her, play with her, and teach her all the silly songs that she used to sing to us when we were little.
It has been two months and it still hurts so much. I have gotten into the bad habit of trying to fill the whole with food...not good for your figure : ) I just miss her so much. Everyone says it gets easier, but I don't believe it. I knew I was going to hurt, but I didn't think it was going to be a physical pain also. I do not have any aunts or uncle (he died in 2000) close to help me. I am pretty much on my own. I do have a great husband, but he doesn't understand. He has always had grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even cousins around. I didn't have any of these. My grandparents died when my Mom was 10 and 12. My Mom was all my relatives wrapped in one. My grandmother died of the same thing my Mom did, so now I am having gene testing done. My Mom used to come to all my apts. and my daughters, but now I go to them alone. It kills me to see other women out with their Moms. I hate to feel jealous, but I am. I keep wondering why God took my Mom because that is all I had. I just feel so alone.
Ok, I have wrote a novel! I just thought it might help, but now I am just crying like crazy... thanks for letting me write though.