Book Recommendation for difficult relationship

abbingtonOctober 23, 2007

My mother died two months ago at the young age of 60. My little sister (33yo) had a very difficult relationship with my mom and was never able to resolve any of their conflicts during my mom's life. Now she is having a very difficult time with mom's death.

Although I (and several family members) have recommended counseling, my sis balks at that. I was hoping someone could recomend a book that deals with death after a difficult relationship. My mom and sister loved each other but never really got along. Most books that address parent death seem to assume a rosy relationship and my sister is not going to be able to related to that.

Because I know I could not *make* her read a book, I figured I could read it and pass on the purtainent info (or something).

Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciatied.


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Good morning Red,

Very sorry to hear of your mom's passing. Relationships, even the best I think, have so many layers that I don't think anyone's is perfect or storybook really. For instance, both my parents were hardworking, loving, generous, giving people. Everyone was welcome at our home and they were the first to reach in their pockets when there was a need. They were good providers and loved each other and me very much. On the other side of the coin, they were both high functioning alcoholics. None of the first qualities wipes away the stress, aggravation, frustration and selfishness of the last fact. What makes the anger, and pain bearable? Because I was angry and really felt robbed by the fact that so much time was wasted by alcoholism that could have been spent in other wonderful ways together.

Speaking strictly for myself, and I mean no offense to anyone one else, truly, was knowledge from the Bible of what the hope for the dead is, what they are doing now, what they will be like in the resurrection compared to when they were alive before death, and a knowledge of why people living now behave in the bizarre ways they do. Why relationships are so hard. Even between parents and children.

I hope I don't offend you but I can only speak from what I know and what has worked for me. Well, if I thought seeing my parents again would be with them still having all the stresses to deal with in the future that they did when they died, that wouldn't be so great because they would still fall back on alcohol, right? But scripture assures us that the resurrected will be brought back without the human imperfections surrounding them that existed before the promised resurrection. Hooray! Because I don't want to deal with alcoholism again and that's probably why I'm not married today. I won't risk it. The knowledge that God doesn't bring 'trials' upon us to 'make us stronger or teach us lessons' as some religious leaders claim. That is not what God tells us in his own book. James 1:15. That there is one who has done nothing but bring misery to mankind in every way he can, including making stress between family members. That the dead are asleep. Not floating off somewhere, lost or haunting or in a limbo. Not what scripture says at all. Ecc. 9: 5-6, 10-12. for starters. Even Jesus said that Lazarus was asleep, to explain his death. All this knowledge brings, not an end to grief, but a copability. A lessening. A management tool. I would so love to talk with you. Please feel free to email me at I'm a mom and school bus driver, have 2 grown daughters. Not a religious freak. Hope this has given some cause for thought. :)

    Bookmark   November 4, 2007 at 8:50AM
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This book was helpful to me. I bought my copy from, but you may be able to find it in the library.

"When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends",
by Victoria Secunda.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2007 at 11:59AM
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