Update on situation w/ my dad....

OddtreeOctober 19, 2005

My brother and I have discovered some conclusive evidence that my father was having an affair with his girlfriend prior to my mom's death.

I am sickened, disgusted, and I feel like everything I ever thought I knew about him was a lie.

And before anyone brings it up, no, my mother would never, ever had consented to any sort of 'open' marriage. In fact, this revelation makes some of what my mother said to me when she was sick make perfect sense. I think she knew what was going on, or at least suspected. They live in a small town, and I wonder how many people at my mother's funeral knew exactly what was going on.

So that's where we're at. I just want all of this to go away.

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ladonna

Im sorry this has happened to you. I know all to well how you are feeling ((((( hugs))))))
La Donna

    Bookmark   October 19, 2005 at 10:40PM
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chinacat_sunflower

don't you hate it when your worst suscpisions are not only confirmed, but trumped?

I'm sorry that this year has cost you not only the feel of your mother's hand in yours...but whatever respect you might have had for your father.

but at least now, you know...and I seem to remember you saying something about your mom being over it last time you dreamed of her...

I'll bet that SHE knows what he's in for down the road.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 1:36PM
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Oddtree

You know, I've always wondered how people managed to live in denial of the rotten things going on in their lives, but now I can totally see how it is possible.

I just want all of it to go away, but of course that's impossible.

I broke down and told my uncle (my mother's older brother) everything that was going on in an email. He came to me upset as to why my dad was ignoring his phone calls and I had to tell him exactly what was going on. Dad's pretty much ignoring everyone now. He told us that he's not doing the holidays, and that we should make "alternate arrangements". In reality, I know he wants to spend the holidays with his co-adulterer and have everyone else out of the way.

You know what? Fine. I didn't want to be around the new woman before, but I don't want to be around EITHER of them now. I literally don't think I could stomach it.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 2:18PM
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ellieirish

I know exactly how you feel but do you really want to lose your dad on top of losing your mom? One thing I've thought is that my dad so wants to avoid the pain of losing my mom, that he's hurrying the process. Like a little kid who's lost his dog, he wants a new puppy to get over it. How positive are you he was truly adulterous before her passing?

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 10:44PM
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Oddtree

Pretty positive. And I'm not willing to compromise my values to avoid "losing" a dad who clearly wants to be lost.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2005 at 11:15PM
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lulie___wayne

OMG! Oddtree, I'm so sorry. I'm just now seeing this post after I had just written again on the other post regarding your dad's relationship with this woman.
Wow, what a heavy load you are carrying. I'm so very sorry.
I can certainly understand your disgust and I definitely wouldn't want to be around this woman either if I were you.
Not for a second. Certainly she is not worth losing your dad over, but at this point in time, I can see why you wouldn't want to be around him either. I hope that in time he will realize the mistake he has made.
How well did your mom know this woman and for how long?
I don't condone your father's actions at all, and it certainly doesn't say much for this woman. Maybe your dad will realize it one day. He may also realize at the same time, that she is not worth losing his family over.
Keep us posted. I wish I could help.
Lu

    Bookmark   October 21, 2005 at 5:48PM
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yborgal

I just read this post after making comments on the other thread.
I kinda suspected this had happened, but I can't believe they're so stupid as to flaunt the relationship.
Before you write your Dad off for good, do you know if your Mom left a will? You said you wanted photos and personal things that belonged to your Mom, don't wait too long to get them or they may be lost to you forever.
What a double whammy you've been dealt here! I hope things work out for you and your brother and this witch gets what's coming to her.
Your father may think he's in for a good time, but I'm a firm believer that what goes around, comes around. He played and eventually he'll pay.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2005 at 7:39PM
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chinacat_sunflower

'lose' a dad who's already turned his back on the whole damned family?

Pfft.

C'mon, folks- lines like that are what likely kept odtree's poor mother in the relationship. That, and 'what would people think'

that's not a father, it's a philanderer, a public embarassment, and a louse who is perfectly content to cut off his family.

she's not the one who cancelled plans for the holidays.

he is.

    Bookmark   October 25, 2005 at 9:50AM
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Oddtree

Thanks, china cat.

This whole thing is so surreal. I believe I might have mentioned this in a previous post, but my father's family has a long history of mental illness, largely borderline disorder and bipolar. Other things too. My father's mother and aunt both had to hospitalized due to these things. My father's aunt is still alive, and sometimes has "episodes" where she spends tons of money on crazy things (like 5 or 6 pricy vacuum cleaners), tries to accuse family members of stealing from her, and generally being very alienating.

What I fear now is that my dad is slipping down that slope. He's always had a crazy temper and a huge fear of abandonment (both signs of borderline disorder), but now it seems he might be in some sort of manic phase as well.

Of course, I could just be trying to rationalize things, because maybe I want to blame an illness rather than him. Who knows?

One thing I do know is that I don't have to put up with people who treat me poorly, family or not. Some people think they have to put up with all sorts of horrible things from people for the sake of "family", but I'm of the opinion that family should treat each other well, and when they don't--see ya until you can act civilized!

To answer someone's question earlier, my mom and dad had what they call "sweetheart" wills where they left everything to each other, and then to us kids. However, these wills might also be contractual wills. I need to look at the documents to tell, but basically, this type of will means that the husband and wife are making a binding contract with each to have their wills set up a particular way. So basically, my dad could never change his will to cut out me and my brother, because he made a contract with my mom that he wouldn't. This puts everything in a "constructive trust" for my brother and I, and a new wife could never touch it. This may or may not be the case for their wills. Honestly, I don't care about money or the house or whatever. But as a matter of principle, I'm willing to fight for my brother's interest in things--he does not have a very lucrative career and I know mom intended for him to have half the house proceeds eventually. If I really wanted to be nasty, I could litigate the thing for years, costing them tons of money and time.

Of course, that's only if he does get married to this woman and things stay very sour. I try not to be vindictive just for the sake of it.

All that said, I urge everyone to check up on their estate planning. Remember, you can never disinherit a spouse, unless they sign a pre or post nuptial agreement agreeing to be left out of the will. In every state that I know of, a spouse can always take a "spousal election" worth up to 1/2 of your estate, no matter what you have in your will. And get health care directives too. I worked in legal aid for a summer and it was heartbreaking all the situations that came up because people were not properly advised on how...

    Bookmark   October 25, 2005 at 12:51PM
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Tessyt

Sweetheart, I feel your pain. What bothered me more about your father is not the other woman, but that he was such a louse he would not replace your mother's glasses. I am almost blind, and can appreciate your mother's misery.

I lost my mother two years ago. I would like to tell you everything was okay for me. It was not. I don't know how I made the two years. So, precious, you are not alone. Because of misery and heart ache, we are sisters.

No, I don't like your father as well. All along, I felt this other woman was in his life before your mother's death.

Sweetheart, all I can tell you is, that your mother would not want you to suffer like this. However, I don't know how to advise you as well. There are never easy answers to heartache and agony.

I wish I could help you more. A famous shrink just died. To echo his words, he said, life is very difficult, very hard. There exists no words to describe my agony when my mother died. You are not alone.

If there exists anything to kindness and compassion, I hope it finds you. I don't have answers, precious, because I'm probably your mother's age. I would want to tell my child -- please, don't suffer like this.

A few months after my mother died, I was lying in bed, very blue. All of the sudden, I heard in my mind my mother's voice -- as clear as day. She said my name. It was a gentle admonishment; she didn't want me to suffer. She emphasized the last syllabules of my name in a gentle statement that alerted me -- she didn't want me to suffer so. [So, typical of my mother; she was admonishing me for grieving for her -- just like her!]

Please, be kind to yourself, and if there is righteousness out there somewhere, I hope your suffering and agony is ceased. May goodness and Mercy follow you all your days. You are going to have to accept that your father is what he is. So, you can go on. This is what your precious, cherished mother would want you to do. This is what I would tell my child as well. You ARE NOT ALONE,

    Bookmark   November 3, 2005 at 12:25AM
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