Old fashioned girl with no gravesite to go to

sandybeaches2006October 11, 2006

my original message was posted 10-8-2006 on Wendy's follow up section,Sorry Wendy, or I should say thank's.Well Bruce Wayne Titus was the love of my life,for 11 yrs, besides my children,he was every sunrise,every cloud,every breeze.I went to his mothers house 8;00a,m,Thursday July 6, 2006 to have coffee with him,(he had been staying with his mother because of daily crippling pain that left her unable to be alone)I let myself in as i told him the night before I would come have coffee with him before work. I found him on the floor my beautiful blue sky guy,the man of my dreams could now only be in my dreams.No gravesite to visit no ashes to call my own only cards bought, just cause he was thinking about me, to reread little post it notes with evryday messages and letters he wrote to me when we were apart.Through no fault of his family(I blame this part on scutter and I)My children and I were not even mentioned at funeral.We sat at the back and i was astonished that the 11yrs so filled with love and happiness could be so easily not mentioned.When it was over and i came home to our house thats when I realized there would be no cemetery where i could somehow be with him.He was creamated.His mother has his ahes and offered to let me have some but as yet have not recieved.Now that I'm saying this and listening it doesn't seem right to devy(not sure if that's proper word)up ashes.So as an old fashioned girl Im confused.My Blue Sky Guy.Where did he go?I was the one that found him Iknew he was gone after I said Scutter,Wake up baby....but he didnt answer.I ask God to let me hold his hand,see him,say hey baby one more time...Its been 3 mo's,No gravesite,and I miss him soThanks for listening Please write It helps my name is becky or as Scutter used to call me PEACHY BECKY SUNSHINE.

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I am so sorry for your loss. We, too, have no gravesite. When my son and granddaughter were killed, we went to the funeral, which was very moving, but they were cremated, and although we were promised to be notified, we never were, and so my son and granddaughter's ashes were scattered somewhere without us. I am trying, in a tactful way, to find out where, but our DIL wishes no contact with us. I asked this forum for ideas for a memory garden at our house. I have begun collecting artifacts and possible plant choices and will plan it this winter...maybe start with bulbs this fall. Don't know if this will work in your circumstance, but everyone here gave lovely, heartfelt suggestions, many of which I am going to put in place. Again, how sad I feel for you. My sympathies.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2006 at 9:22AM
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Your man exists in your heart and soul, nothing can take that away. So sorry for your loss. It sounds that you and he were a special couple and had a great relationship. Losing that hurts so much, hugs to you.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2006 at 10:41AM
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Becky, Bruce is not in an urn of ashes. His spirit is with you whom he loved. My husband has a grave but he is here with me in the place he loved. Never doubt that.
Why do you call him your BLUE SKY GUY? Is that where you need to look for him?
You could plant a memorial garden or just a plant or tree,as a place for him to be for you.
Becky it will get better tho its so hard now.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2006 at 11:11PM
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First I want to thank my 3 followups.Sudiepav youe relating the loss of your son and granddaughter so moved and touched me. I cant imagine why anyone (DIL) would deny a mother such a thing as knowing where her child is (the spreading of the ashes).You must be a very forgiving soul. I cant help but think that your son and granddaughter are around you always.Smile and talk to them its hard to do but I believe our loved ones can hear us even if they are... not, this is really hard cause im not one to give advice but you are dear to me for answering me in my moment of despair. be strong write again it helps.Dirtyfingernails your compassion for me was monumental,THANKS SO MUCH, Hugs to you.Oakleif, Icall him Blue Sky Guy cause he called me Sunshine since the moment he knew me,I used to watch him work,he was a lineman,I would watch him up in his bucket working on powerlines,And sometimes he would call me and say "Sunshine wish you were here(he worked out of stateOKLAHOMA,ARKANSAS),the trees are covered in ice the sun is shining off the ice Im 50 feet in the air and it reminds me of you" so long story short it has not to do with where he is now>Alot of our together time was in the great outdoors and those wre our nicknames.Thank you for writing>This website is wonderful and so are my 3 FOLLOWUPS. I love yall for taking time to be with me. PLease write again.

    Bookmark   October 17, 2006 at 11:41PM
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Love the story of how you got your nicknames. Please feel free to share some of your special stories of him when you feel able.

We lost my beautiful 29 year old niece 4 years ago. She was like my own baby and losing her to cancer was so hard. She left a devoted husband and 2 little boys. But her husband and boys have a happy ending.

My sister had Vikki Ann come to her in a dream 2 years ago. Our youngest baby sister was divorced and miserably alone several states away. Anyway, in the dream, my oldest sister saw her son-in-law and our baby sister in church together. So we approached them and they agreed to go on a date together.

She went back home out of state after the date. She sold her house in five days (it had been on the market for 2 years with no offers). She moved back here and a year later, they are married. The boys have adjusted well to having a step-mom (who used to be their great-aunt). They usually call her by her name but sometimes call her Mom. Everyone is so much happier in their loving home. We are happy to have our baby sister back home and finding happiness. And we are so glad that my niece's husband and boys are happy and not so grief-stricken.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2006 at 5:15PM
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I wish I could visit my mother's gravesite but she doesn't have one. When she died she chose to be creamated. My stepfather got her ashes. He and I never got along. I've always loathed him due to the fact that he tried to keep my mother away from my brother and I and the rest of our family. She died a lonely woman. All she had in the end was him and I know she just couldn't take it anymore. The sad thing is is that he has her ashes and we don't know whether he spread her somewhere or if she's sitting in a cardboard box in a closet. It haunts me. But I know that we'll never know what happened to her remains and I need to come to terms with that and remember that her body was just her shell and her spirit remains with me at all times.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2006 at 6:30PM
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I think a memorial on your property would be a wonderful thing to do. Plant a tree or flowers that he may have liked and let the sunshine of a blue skied day nourish it and give you place to go to "be" with him. You could also bury a piece of his clothing or lock of his hair if you have any. It could be a special place for the two of you.
Again, I'm so very sorry. It must be so awful to lose a loving spouse. I dread the day.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2006 at 7:00PM
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Just wondering how you are. Please let us hear from you.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 3:30PM
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I'm wondering about you,too, Sandybeaches. You are in my thoughts a lot.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2006 at 3:42PM
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sandybeaches, I am so sorry for you're loss. I can't imagine a family being so cruel... well, yes I can. As you've read, others have had the same thing happen; it happened to a friend of mine with her dad (they shared a birthday). Her step mother had him cremated and then spread him out somewhere without telling them. I know from losing my dad, and the family animosity, that hearing from others; how they went through similar things, actually helps me; because I don't feel so alone...

I hope that you can find something to do to remember him by. I bought a rose called Unconditional Love to plant in my dad's memory. I love walking out the front door and seeing it bloom.

Remember that his family has to live with what they did to you. What goes around comes around, I truely believe that. Remember the good memories with him, because they can't take that from you. They can't take the bond you shared; something they probably never had with him. Let that bring you peace. For me, this is my phylosophy, after what my family did to me. They were jealous of our relationship; something they will never have.

I know the coming weeks will be very hard on you; but you will get through it. I believe he will be by your side..

    Bookmark   December 2, 2006 at 9:15AM
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we too had my dad's scattered in the desert. (my parents lived in las vegas)

now almost 30 years later, you have to find a bit of humor that part of desert is probably a housing track (the way the city has grown) so it really doesn't matter.

as the other ladies said, it's your heart where the true memorial is...

    Bookmark   December 6, 2006 at 10:34PM
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It maybe helpful to make a little shrine for him in your home. Maybe his photo and a candle or some flowers. I think we do need a focal point to express our grief and remembrance.

A far as the heartless treatment of you at the services, try to let it go by remembering that it is not a brief funeral service that defines your relationship, but the 11 years of happiness you had together. Keep your thoughts positive and try to send along those happy and positive memories to your loved one as he makes his next journey.

I also recommend that you take up some type of project in his memory- mentor a child, plant a tree or make a garden dedicated to him. Channel your grief and focus on this project, it will help you heal, eventually.

Good luck and peace!

    Bookmark   December 18, 2006 at 6:02PM
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Plenty of folks over at Gardenweb (grieving forum) want to know how you are doing.
So how are you doing, will you come back and share again?

I am so sorry for your loss of Bruce/Blue sky guy.

You were great together, but know that he will never leave you. Love like that just does not end.

I suspect that his family was in so much shock at the funeral and just did not know what to say at the funeral and went back to the traditional way of mentioning only if you were married. Hard I know, not fair either. Try to forgive them, since they didn't know how best to handle it. People in shock make those kind of errors of judgement at times.

Do know that Bruce is there for you, you just can't touch him or see him, but his love for you carries on just as it always has. We may have no place to go to see him as a formal place, but I suspect all that you need is to feel him in your heart again. His love is there and present, just open yourself to it and bask in his warmth and sweetness again.

There is not a day that goes by that you do not think of him, it is the same for him too. There will be a time again for you both, it doesn't all end here...

All the best to you girl,


    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 2:39AM
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