Is this normal?

BurtsmomforeverOctober 23, 2011

My son died 3 months ago and I feel like I am going backwards in my grief. Shouldn't I be feeling a bit better instead of being on the verge of tears all the time? I feel as raw and grief-stricken as I did the day he died. I was feeling better for a few weeks, even able to go out of town on business, although I had a small breakdown when I got home. I am able to work a few days a week and then have to take even more days off to get myself together because it's so hard for me to keep my composure while I am out in public.

My doctor is cutting my anxiety meds to get me off of them. I am not ready to be without them yet. I am not addicted to them but when I feel like I am falling apart they help me to gather myself together and seem normal on the outside and not feel so horrible on the inside. They help make my chest stop feeling like it's going to explode. She's doing it on her timeline and not mine. And I don't like that.

My son's birthday is a week from this coming Tuesday and I think that could have something to do with the way I am feeling. All I can give him for his birthday is hopefully to have his headstone ready.

I lost all the text messages I had saved from the day he died. I know my husband didn't mean to be mean but he told me real matter of factly to "get over it". I will get over it but I won't be happy about it. Just like I won't be happy about losing our son.

I think it's a combination of things that are making me feel the way I do. With the holidays approaching I am dreading them. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out, but I can't. I have to go on with my life as hard as that is.

I sure do miss my son and it's slowly but surely killing me. Day by day I die a little more inside because he's not in my life anymore. I wonder if I will ever find joy anywhere ever again.

Is this normal?

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oh honey, i am so sorry for your devastating loss and to answer your question, YES, what you are going through is completely normal.

your grief is still very fresh, very raw. at 3 months, you are just now coming out of the "fog" and the reality of your loss is hitting you full force.

each of us grieves at our own pace. on november 30, it will be 4 years since i lost the one and only true love of my life. i still have occasional meltdowns when i think of what could have been. we had planned to grow old together, 12 years with him was not nearly enough. while i have come to terms with his death, i do not believe i will ever come to accept it.

right now, you are going through all of the dif,ferent grief stages. don't be surprised if these hit you out of nowhere at unexpected times. one never knows what will set it off. a phrase, a song, a memory...all of these things will have an impact on you and how you handle your grief. it's OK TO CRY! it's ok to feel utter resentment when you see a mother and son. it's ok to be angry...angry at the world, angry at God and yes, maybe even angry at your son. the first time i felt angry toward gary was when i got on the riding mower the summer after his death. as i mowed, i sobbed. i sobbed because i missed him so much and i sobbed because i was angry at him for leaving me. everything was just so overwhelming and i didn't know if i would be able to do it all without him.

i have found, over the years, that i CAN do it. oh, it doesn't always get done when it should but it does get done. just recently, gary's brother told me how proud he was of me and that he knew gary was proud of me because i have worked so hard to keep my end of the farm looking nice. i do it for me and i do it for him.

i am not sure what sort of meds you are talking about but i would urge you to talk to your doctor about an antidepressant. it took me a year of being curled up in a little ball in a corner, not wanting to see or talk to people, alone in my horrible grief, before i finally went to see my doctor. he put me on an antidepressant and it made all the difference in the world. i am still taking it 4 years later. i tried discontinuing it under my doctor's guidance but i found it so much easier to cope if i kept it up. there is no shame in needing some help. if your doctor won't agree to it, find one who will!

i have a son who means the world to me. i have often said much as the loss of my husband hurts, my pain and grief cannot compare to the loss of a child. you WILL get through this because you have no other choice. i like to think gary is proud of me for dealing with my grief. make your son proud of you. talk to him often. if it makes you feel better, visit his resting place. for the first 3 years after gary died, i never missed a single weekend visiting his grave. my visits have tapered off over the past year, i rarely even go there now. that doesn't mean i don't still talk to him, i do, every single day, many times a day.

you CAN do it!!!!

    Bookmark   October 23, 2011 at 9:58AM
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3 mos. is very soon after the loss of your son for you to"be getting over it" those messages were important to you. If you get any more print them off. Go to "file" at top left hand corner of computer & then go down to "print preview" & go through the "pages" & keep all those you want & don't have to end up with stuff you don't want like ad at end or something. As grieving progresses it will be hard seeing someone walking that looks like it is your son (often from a distance)but it is best to think of what he would want for you. That is for you to be happy again. You didn't give his age but he sounded like an adult. Sounds like your hubby may be dealing with it by trying to push it out of his mind. My DH has been gone since 1985 & this is 1st time I "forgot" anniversary of his death until the following week. I have not been sad & miserable all this time, I had 2 kids to deal with, helping them become adults. I got to do all the yard work( really miss him coming out & helping me put things away for the day) We were best friends so I try to be a best friend to my living friends & be the person I was when he was here. My memories are good & I always talked about him, they don't vanish from your memory. Some people will act like they want to change subject but I just let them as knew they couldn't deal with it yet. You do need to see another dr. with these new health care rules drs are getting brainwashed to do things differently but a lot of drs. understand that grief is not just an overnight thing. The holidays will be very hard the 1st year which is coming up. I really didn't want to do anything but did it for my kids. Do you have other kids & grandkids, little ones made things so much easier for me, so try to get with someone with little ones. Hard not to smile at excited little ones opening gifts. Find a family that you can tell is having a struggle & show up with a little basket of gifts(jar of jam,cookies,small gift card for supermarket,colors & coloring book or some other small toy for each kid,& see how it ends up making you feel. Hope you have a sister or best friend you can talk to & open up with. Much cheaper than therapist & more enjoyable also. You can laugh & cry together. Hang in there, it does get better with time!

    Bookmark   October 24, 2011 at 1:33AM
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My son was an adult, he was 30. His 31st birthday is this coming Tuesday, November 1. I feel like the last thing I can give him for his birthday is his headstone and am hoping it is ready to be set by then. I do not have any other children, no grandchildren and all my friends' children are at least 8 years old. My nephew and his girlfriend are having a baby any day now so that will help some, not much though. They live in another town and I'm sure we won't see them often. I have one living sister, my little sister died in February with melanoma, and a brother. They treat me like I have the plague. Mama says it's because they don't know what to say. I don't understand that. I have friends from all over the country who call, email or send cards just to ask "how are you?" It's that simple. But they can't do it for some reason. My best friend doesn't understand either, she was asking me to go to a lake cabin the other night. I don't want to go, but she doesn't understand and kept pushing. In her mind it will do me good, but I am not going to do anything I don't want to do. I will not feel any different after driving for an hour and a half than I do right now. Even a change of scenery will not change the way I feel. I was supposed to go to Atlanta on business this past weekend and didn't because I didn't feel like going and pasting a fake smile on my face and pretending to be OK.
I take care of my parents, even though my brother lives in their house. Since my son's death he has started doing more than he ever has because I can't do it and I TOLD my sister what she needed to do and she promised she would but hasn't done it. She lives about 70 miles out of town and that is her excuse. So I still go to the grocery, do doctor visit runs, pick up prescriptions and everything else my parents need done. Both are homebound now and cannot get out for themselves. I am not cooking for my parents like I did, but I am not cooking for my husband and myself either.
When my husband told me to "get over it" he was talking about me losing the text messages. I know that men and women grieve in a different way but I don't understand how to just get over it. My niece told me that I cannot retrieve the messages, they are not stored anywhere but in the phone and I let a friend of my son's use his phone after he died and she must have reset the settings to factory default so she could use it the way she wanted to. It was my fault, I should have never loaned it out. So I will have to get over it.
My doctor wants me to go on an antidepressant but I am not depressed, I am very, very sad that my son is dead. I know the difference between the two. I was severely clinically depressed 16 years ago and knew what I needed to do. I do not want to go on an antidepressant, they make me feel dead inside. I don't want to stop feeling, I just want to stop feeling so horrible, like my chest is going to explode, or that I want to turn and run away from whatever I am facing or that I can't control my crying. I don't want to stop crying, I will always cry for my son. I just want to be able to control my emotions when I am in public or trying to work.
Thankfully I am self-employed and can set my own hours and days. I can work 2-3 days and then take as many if not more days off.
I just feel like I am taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. And I know that one or both of my parents will be dying pretty soon. So that is looming over my head. Their health has declined rapdily since my son's death. He helped me care for them and lived with them and he died in their house. They are trying to go on but they are both 83 and in ill health.
I have tried exercise and it helps some, but not much. I have access to a 24 hour gym and have gone there at 1am to ride the bike or use the machines just to release some endorphines. It helps but just a tiny bit.
Someone told me I was a strong woman and my reply was I found out how strong I was when my son was born, he was the sickest baby Vanderbilt Children's Hospital had ever seen, so that's saying a lot. And I found out just how weak I was when he died. I am lost without my son. He was my friend, companion, and partner in crime. We went to concerts together and anywhere he'd ask me to take him I would do my best to get him there. All I want is to have my phone ring and hear "hey ma" or to call my parents' house and have him answer the phone. I do not have his voice on anything other than when he was a baby talking.
I keep hoping that I'll begin to feel better, but am sure it's a probability that I won't until after the holidays. He loved them, not because of gifts or food, but for the people who gathered at my parents' house. He was such a social person, he never met a stranger and everyone loved him. He touched everyone he made contact with.
I find my self looking in the stores for shirts he would like, or jackets he could wear, or Titans stuff he would want.
It seems like it's been forever and yesterday all at the same time and I hope that I can get through this. I sit in his wheelchair to hopefully feel him through it. It was his mode of transportation for 27 years, so he was in it most of his waking hours.
I have written a novel and didn't mean to. I guess this is helpful to me to get it out. And I am going to go to another doctor who understands that I am not depressed and that I will not become addicted to the anti-anxiety meds. I need them right now to help me stay together or Humpty Dumpty is going to fall totally apart.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2011 at 6:33PM
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for burtsmom:

Hi. I don't know if what I am going to say will help. I know about the feeling of "falling apart" and how your chest feels like it is exploding. I recently lost my Brother. Rather unexpectedly from a Heart attack. I don't have much of a family and He was important to me and I Loved Him. I looked up to him when we were kids and he was a very special and talented young man. Oh well, He is gone.... My heart is broken. He is not my Son, though, and I know that would be even worse. A mother's Lost Dreams.

But, I began to search for some meaning to my Hope for a Life in the Here After. I have read and watched videos on various web sites such as IANDS. I am reading Closer to the Light.

I am also learning about the continuation of consciousness after we physically die. There is some evidence that it is not lost.

It has hit home for me because I can't bear the thought of never seeing my DB again and I need to find out that my Faith has scientific evidence to back it up, even if they are still working on the evidence.

I had a very odd almost frightening dream or visitation from my DB which prompted me to seek out information on the subject of Life After Death. (he was having a very bad time with life issues at the time of his passing and was very angry) I also then had a very odd occurrence where a "Dragonfly" over half a foot long showed up in my kitchen. I then went to visit my sister-in-law and she showed me a beautiful Tiffany Lamp in her bedroom (which I had never seen) that my DB bought. It was covered in Dragonflys. I guess he stopped by to let me know in my sad suffering anguish that Life Does Go On. He knew I would tell his wife and she would show me the lamp.

I sure hope so.

I can't be sure if these events are absolute "proof" or just coincidence but to me they are and it has given me some comfort.

I Hope that you can receive Comfort and a Hope and Faith that you will see your Dear Sweet Son again.


    Bookmark   October 26, 2011 at 10:38PM
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I would suggest very strong that you get a good support group and some counseling. You may have to try several groups first. Allow a full year to start to heal for the loss of your son.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2011 at 11:47PM
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Today was my son's 31st birthday. It was the hardest day so far. I thought burying him was hard. Making today as normal as possible was the worst. I am facing a lot of firsts. This was his first birthday without him. Next is Thanksgiving, then Christmas. It's hard enough getting through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday without him.
I have reached out to several counselors and have received different information. I am going to keep looking until I find what is right for me. I don't see how it's going to make me feel any better about being without my son.
We'll see....

    Bookmark   November 2, 2011 at 2:00AM
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Hi! Good morning from PA .You have my deppest sympathy on the death of your son. I cannot even imagine losing my son or daughter. I just lost my husband of 41 years to cancer on August 23th. Somedays I have good days and others I stay in my jammies all day. I try to stay busy ,but I'm dreading the holidays,too! We loved the holidays and I was always baking cookies and taking gifts of food to other people. I'm going to a grief support group and it's helping some. Have you gone to a suupport group? Take care- Alanna from Pa

    Bookmark   November 3, 2011 at 8:17AM
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Grief is like a weird landscape that your mind and your heart create. One day you are on a plane of acceptance, where you can see the horizon and a place where you can get beyond the worst of your feelings; the next day, you are in a deep valley of sadness where it seems you will be mired in grief forever; another day finds you feeling strong and beyond it all for a short time, and then the emotions crush over you and you feel like the loss just happened.

I think, just three months after your son's death, that you need to give yourself more time. All the comments about support groups are good ones too. And of course, because you lost a child, there is a certain amount of sadness that will always be there. But you can live with it, so long as you don't expect too much too fast from yourself.

Please take care,


    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 2:55AM
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I have tried to find a support group that is right for far I haven't found one. My friend of 40 something years sent me a good book, it's called Good Grief by Granger E. Westberg. It talks about the stages of grief and is based on faith. I have questioned my faith since losing my son. Some days I still hate God for taking him away from me and ask what I did wrong to make him have to go. I know in my heart that my son's work here was done but I don't want to accept it at times. Especially when I want to hug him and talk to him and just spend time with him. It's hard to accept that I will not do those things here on Earth ever again. So I think I have gone through most of the stages of grief outlined in the book and then gone through them again...I am trying to move forward and get on with my life. My mind tells me I have to but my heart doesn't want to.
I am going to learn how to meditate so I can hopefully learn to release some of this anxiety I have. Exercise doesn't help as much as I had hoped it would. Maybe going within myself through meditation will help.
My husband and I were talking about this entire last year, from November 11, 2010 until now. In this span of time I almost lost my father twice, and his health will never be good again. I lost my little sister to cancer, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal liver disease and her health will continue to decline, and we lost our son. I hope this next year will be better, but knowing that both of my parents are at the end of their lives I am expecting to lose them as well.
I have always been a very strong person, able to take more than the normal person. Losing my son broke me and broke my spirit. Maybe I do expect too much too soon of myself.
Thanks for all the kind words. I hope we all are able to overcome these obstacles and learn how to live without our loved ones here by our sides.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 4:03PM
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I don't believe that there is any particular time you can rely upon when grieving ends. I think it is wrong to tell a person that it is time to move on. I think that the griever just has to get up every morning and live. Do what you have to do and eventually there will come a time when you can appreciate the good things you have again, despite the great big hole in the middle of it.

I am getting older and so is everyone in my family. My Dad is gone. It still hurts. Sometimes I need my Daddy and He just ain't here anymore. I know it and it is sort of like I just got use to it. He was a great fan of Halloween and loved to carve the pumpkins and decorate. So, I put a big pumpkin on his grave...hoping he saw it there and knew I remembered and missed him.

My brother, on the other hand, was too young to die. A heart attack took him. His wife gave me his guitar, which he cherished. I am going to take lessons and make that guitar sing. I think He would like that and his Spirit will be with me even though he is physically gone.

Life is filled with many kinds of death. We say goodbye to so many things.

But, we are still here and we gotta push on. Gotta Love.
Keep Loving all the people who need you and Love you. Your job here is not over and your presence is needed. It is your purpose till it isn't anymore.

Hope you will find help if you get really down. Please reach out to family and friends. You are going thru a tough time. Take care. Tender

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 1:17AM
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Hi Burtsmomforever,

I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through. So many overwhelming emotions like shock, numbness, sadness, and even guilt and anger can really take a toll on you emotionally and physically.

Please remember that there is no correct way of grieving, and in no way can it be rushed. There is no "deadline" to mee that you should think you will feel better.

Feeling like you are in a bottomless pit of grief can wear you out. Perhaps you are feeling what the righteous man Jacob was when he was told that his son Joseph had died, he "kept refusing to take his comfort" (Genesis 37:35).

I read an article recently that outlined several practical steps to that you can take so not to be overwhelmed by sorrow.

Here are some:

1) Take care of yourself. Get proper rest and eat nutritious foods, even if in small amounts. Exercise, even if moderate, to release endorphins.

2) Accept help from others. Association with others can be like a bridge that can help you cross from grief to acceptance.

3) Allow yourself to remember. Remembering those times will be painful at first but in time those memories will help you heal. You could write a journal and write about your pleasant memories and even include the things you wish you could have said to your son.

4) Rely on the "God of all comfort". The Bible says: "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you." Prayer to God is not some sort of emotional crutch. It is real and vital communication with the "God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation" (2 Corinthians 1:3,4) God's Word provides the greatest comfort of all. The Christian apostle Paul stated: "I have hope toward God...that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous." (Acts 24:15)

5) "You Don't Have to Let It Dominate You". Do not feel guilty, as if moving on would be betraying your loved one. You will NEVER forget your son.

I hope this helps some. Please let us know how you are doing, I would love to hear back from you.

Kindest Regards,


    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 11:18AM
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I lost my daughter at the age of 13, 6 1/2 years ago. I want to reassure you that while I wouldn't say it necessarily gets "easier" to lose a child, it does change and the raw feelings you have now will soften with time. But it does take time. I would recommend finding a GriefShare group. They are held in churches and are faith based but very much talk about all of the things you mention, including struggling with your faith and relationship with God. I have other books I could recommend to you if you are interested. I don't know where you are located, I actually started a group for moms who have lost kids and we do various activities together, both memorial type things and social things like potlucks. It helps to be with others who understand "better than most".

    Bookmark   November 26, 2011 at 12:45AM
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I appreciate your response. I am still very raw, especially with Thanksgiving just the other day. It was a very hard day for me. My husband didn't even feel like going to my parents' house for dinner. My mother lit candles for both my son and my sister who passed away this past February, so we had a large void at our dinner table this year. I am still looking for the right group for me. I know that faith is going to play a huge part in my getting through this but so far all the things associated with faith have done me more of a disservice than good. Maybe I am just still too raw and hurting too badly to be able to accept what is being said. I don't want to hear it because I don't want my son to be gone. Guess I'm still in a form of denial. I know he's gone. I know he's not coming back, I know I won't see him again until I die, but I don't want to accept it. And I don't want to hear some sugary sweet somebody saying that God is in control and my son is walking with God and having a good time in heaven. It makes me cringe.
I am throwing myself into work, trying to do what needs to be done to meet the daily grind. And when I exhaust myself with work then I just collapse and try to rest enough to build myself back up. Probably not the best thing to do, but it's my way of doing things.
I am finding that I get stronger everyday. I can get through most days without crying uncontrollably. I don't wail and cry myself to sleep as much as I did. So in my mind that is improvement over just a month ago.
I still have flashbacks of my son laying in my parents' floor and the paramedics working on him, I still see him laying in the hospital, already dead, with me stroking his face until he got so cold I couldn't stand it. I didn't want him to be cold and kept covering him up tighter with the sheet. I go over and over his funeral, thinking of things I should have done but that I couldn't do because I was so distraught, but wishing I had done them. Most of the time I feel that I am facing down a freight train that's heading right at me and I can't get out of its way. That is the anxiety I am feeling, but am going to work on that as well.
His headstone was laid this past week and as much as I wanted it to be done, the finality of it all was hard.
I try to take time for myself without feeling guilty and find that it helps some.
Hopefully one day I can say that it's not as hard as it is now to have lost my son. For 30 years my life was structured around his needs. Doctor appointments, school, homework, hospitalizations and surgeries, work schedules and things he wanted to do for entertainment. Everything I did was based on what needed to be done for him. It's going to be very difficult for me to re-structure my life now that I no longer have to take him to the doctor, work, or places he wants to go. I guess my life has done a 180* turn. And I don't like it at all. I am in a constant struggle with myself over it. But I will be okay, I am strong and resilient. I want to come out on the other side a stronger person who is able to help others who have lost their child.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2011 at 1:42PM
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Well, today I met with a doctor who I feel is the right fit for me. We talked and he explained what he was seeing and what he thought I needed. He explained that my dopamine levels are depleted, since that is where you get your pleasure. Since I have no pleasure now it makes total sense. And he said that my adrenaline is more than likely depleted or close to it. And that was right on the money since it takes so much energy to paste the happy face on and go out into the world. He deduced that I am not a worrier, and I am not. I learned a long time ago that if I can't fix it or change it then it does no good to worry about it. So he put me on Wellbutrin and hopefully I will start feeling a change in my mood in a week or two.
The past week has been a hard week. Thanksgiving, came and went and hit me Saturday when I had to drag myself out of bed to work. Other things have come up in the last week that were hard to deal with. Long days at work, being tired and needing a hug from my favorite son and not being able to get one always makes me feel bad. Today started out pretty good, reading and chuckling to Yo Mama jokes on Facebook turned into tears when I got a message from one of my son's friends wanting to know where he is buried so she can go visit his grave. It's amazing how fast things can change.
I am hopeful that changes in my mood from the new medicine are fast.
Here's hoping that everyone finds peace and hope. I'm still searching.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 12:09AM
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Okay, my little sister died February 20, 2011. My son died July 18, 2011. My best friend's aunt, whom I've known for 35 years is dying and being transferred to hospice, and today I had to go to my ill, elderly parents and tell them that my father's sister who has dementia has stopped eating and drinking so the nursing home recommends hospice care. She may live another week or so.
This is really hard. Just when I feel like I am making progress something flies out of left field and hits me right upside the head.
Something's got to give.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2012 at 10:12PM
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Tomorrow, will be 6 months since my son died suddenly. My aunt died yesterday. My friend's aunt is dying, with only a couple of weeks to live at the most.
I am still broken hearted and somedays honestly believe that I will die from a broken heart. I work hard everyday to move forward and try to heal.
Having talked to many people I know that this is not going to be an easy thing to overcome. I started my new career right before Burt's death and am having trouble getting back on track even though I am working 2 jobs to stay busy. The whole reason for my career change was to be able to earn more money so I could take him places we had never been able to go before. We never took vacations and that was my goal, to take him anywhere he desired to go. Now I have to find another reason to's just harder now that he's not here to work for.
I am tired of death. Tired of people getting sick and dying. I logically understand that is the cycle of life. But I am tired of being logical. I think the main thing is I am just tired. Tired of missing my son, tired of having to console people who have lost or are losing a loved one. I hate having to break bad news, it seems that is what I was put here on Earth to do. I'm tired of it all.
Will I ever not be tired again? Is this ever going to get better? Even a little bit? Medications don't help my mood and make me feel worse physically than I do without them. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2012 at 12:17AM
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Burt's have lost so much no wonder you're tired of death. I remember thinking the same thing many decades ago. My grandmother had Leukemia the same time my mother (her daughter) had breast cancer. We lived across the street from one another so grandma could babysit us after my parent's divorced. I was either 13 or 16 when they told me (can't recall exactly when because I didn't fully comprehend) and 23 when she died. For at least 8 years I walked around with a black cloud hanging over my head, couldn't be happy about anything because my mother was sick. And I was sick of hearing about illness, that's all anyone talked about. I spent my childhood doing my homework in hospitals because they were in and out so often. It was draining to be miserable all the time but I couldn't complain because I was lucky to be healthy. Meanwhile my friends were having the time of their life, going on dates and going shopping with their mothers. I couldn't because my mother was wretching in the living room from the violent reactions she had to chemo. The cancer spread to her bone but I don't remember her complaining about it. I saw it as super highway cancer took on it's free ride to other organs. Not till it got to her lungs did the real suffering begin. Now she couldn't breathe. Given what I witnessed I can't imagine a worse cancer than lung cancer. You suffocate to death! It could have spread to her brain but it didn't, how I wish it had because she was aware of everything right up to the last day. She was 48 when God finally took mercy and ended it. Grandma had also died. My poor grandfather lost his wife AND daughter 3 months apart. Talk about a man without the will to live. It was as if we lost him too. When it was all over I remember thinking that I would never have to experience pain again because i had lost it all already. There was nothing left!

LAst year was the 30th anniversary of her passing. I assumed after that much time I would be able to read her letters without breaking down. Feelings I thought I had buried deep into my mind came right to the surface and a 3 day depression ensued. I put the letters back in the safe, too afraid to read them again. I go about my life now without thinking of her on most days...until something triggers a memory. But the pain is not the same. Sadness passes quickly. Only when I do something deliberate like reading letters or looking at all the old photos will the deeper pain come back. It's there, it will always be there, but now it's suppressed. Time doesn't heal all wounds, time hides wounds. I can control when I bring it back. Go too far and more painful feelings surface, think of her for a few moments and then conciously change to a different subject and I avoid it. I thought after all this time I wouldn't be able to relive the pain as it happened but now I know that I can IF I allow my thoughts to go there.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2012 at 3:14AM
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It seems that time almost comes to a stop when we are grieving, having other loved ones die in such a short span of time doesn't make death any easier, or any more common. Contrary to popular belief, death is UNNATURAL no matter how we view it and there is no way to get used to it.

If we go back to the beginning, Satan posed as a friend to Eve and tricked her into doing what she thought would be for her own good. (Genesis 3:4-6) Today is the same thing. He misleads us into thinking that death is the way it was all meant to be, and even worse, that we die because our loving Father wanted us to. The very idea of causing so much pain to his children is inconceivable from our standpoint as parents! We would never do that to our children. So how can the "God of love" do that to us? The source of comfort really is in the Scriptures Burtsmom, even though right now may seem like the worst time to get close to God. I feel that knowing the truth of what the Bible really teaches brings an immeasurable amount of comfort, comfort that no amount of medication or exercise can bring.

Grief is one of the most intense emotions a human can experience but the good news is that recovery is possible. However, it may take some time, just as a severe physical wound takes time to heal, so it is with bereavement. It may take months, a few years, or even longer for some.

Do not underestimate the value of prayer. We are given this amazing comfort in Psalm 34:18 "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves". We are also assured: "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you." (Psalm 55:22)

If you would like, I would love to share more on the hope that God gives us to see our loved ones again. The hope of the resurrection in the Bible and one that Jesus himself performed 7 times.

Rest assured that there is no one that knows your feelings better than our loving God, Jehovah. Even so, I will be thinking about you.

Much love,


    Bookmark   January 20, 2012 at 9:06AM
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Thank you so much for your kind words. Right after my son died I read the Bible every night trying to find the answer to why he had to go. I got nothing out of it at first. One of my neighbors is a missionary and has been a great help to me and I have other friends who are strong believers and they have been a wonderful support system for me. Although none of them have ever experienced the loss of their child so they don't really understand the depth of the grief.
I pray all of the time for the strength to go on, to be able to put one foot in front of the other. Some days are easier than others. Today I woke up crying for no reason...well I have a reason but I had not dreamed of my son, had not experienced anything to trigger the feelings, other than the knowledge that once again, today, I would not see, hear, or touch my son.
I have bad days and worse just happened to be a worse day. I hope that tomorrow will be better. I work hard trying to get to my new normal and maybe one day I will. Right now I just want to wallow in my grief and wrap myself in that blanket that covers me completely. It's not comfortable but as for now, it's all I have.
Thank you again and by the way, all prayers are appreciated. I am not ungrateful.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2012 at 8:44PM
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I'm very happy to hear that you have a support system to hold your hand through your grief. As you said, no one can walk in your shoes, no one can feel what you feel even if we have lost someone in death we are still all different. I like what you said about putting one foot in front of the other, it seems that that is the best thing to do. Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

It's funny because I'm also a volunteer in a work that is being done in over 230 lands and over 500 languages. I have a book that I think might be of great help to you and I would like to share here some of what it says. Chapter 6 is entitled Where Are the Dead? and Chapter 7 is entitled Real Hope for Our Loved Ones Who Have Died. Through chapter 6, 3 questions are discussed, all with answers from the Bible, not human reasoning or beliefs, like "What happens to us when we die?", "Why do we die?", "Would it be comforting to know the truth about death?". Questions that are burning in many of us but we have no idea where to turn for answers. When we turn to religious leaders, all we get is the idea that God wanted this to happen, that God needed another angel, all things that are of no real comfort and that only embitter us toward Him. Chapter 7 has another 3 questions that are discussed like, "How do we know that the resurrection will really happen?", "How does Jehovah feel about resurrecting the dead?", "Who will be resurrected?".

I use this book to as a guide to take me to the Bible, there is nothing in the book that doesn't come from God's Word. There are questions after each paragraph as we follow this guide through our worldwide, home Bible-study program and we use this book to help us in our efforts of help others get close to Jehovah and learn about his will. It is what Jesus did when he was on earth, he told his disciples in Luke 4:43, " But he said to them: 'Also to other cities I must declare the good news of the kingdom of God, because for this I was sent forth'.

I'm taking the liberty and posting here the first 8 of 20 paragraphs from Chapter 6. If it's you wish, I would send you the book or a .pdf of it so that you can have it complete.

Sending you love,


Chapter Six
Where Are the Dead?
What happens to us when we die?
Why do we die?
Would it be comforting to know the truth about death?
THESE are questions that people have thought about for thousands of years. They are important questions. No matter who we are or where we live, the answers concern each one of us.
2 In the preceding chapter, we discussed how the ransom sacrifice of Jesus Christ opened the way to everlasting life. We also learned that the Bible foretells a time when "death will be no more." (Revelation 21:4) Meanwhile, we all die. "The living are conscious that they will die," said wise King Solomon. (Ecclesiastes 9:5) We try to live as long as possible. Still, we wonder what will happen to us when we die.
3 When our loved ones die, we mourn. And we may ask: 'What has happened to them? Are they suffering? Are they watching over us? Can we help them? Will we ever see them again?' The world's religions offer differing answers to these questions. Some teach that if you live a good life, you will go to heaven but if you live a bad life, you will burn in a place of torment. Other religions teach that at death, people pass on to the spirit realm to be with their ancestors. Still other religions teach that the dead go to an underworld to be judged and are then reincarnated, or reborn in another body.
4 Such religious teachings all share one basic idea-that some part of us survives the death of the physical body. According to almost every religion, past and present, we somehow live on forever with the ability to see, hear, and think. Yet, how can that be? Our senses, along with our thoughts, are all linked to the workings of our brain. At death, the brain stops working. Our memories, feelings, and senses do not continue to function independently in some mysterious way. They do not survive the destruction of our brain.

5 What happens at death is no mystery to Jehovah, the Creator of the brain. He knows the truth, and in his Word, the Bible, he explains the condition of the dead. Its clear teaching is this: When a person dies, he ceases to exist. Death is the opposite of life. The dead do not see or hear or think. Not even one part of us survives the death of the body. We do not possess an immortal soul or spirit.
6 After Solomon observed that the living know that they will die, he wrote: "As for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all." He then enlarged on that basic truth by saying that the dead can neither love nor hate and that "there is no work nor devising nor knowledge nor wisdom in [the grave]." (Ecclesiastes 9:5, 6, 10) Similarly, Psalm 146:4 says that when a man dies, "his thoughts do perish." We are mortal and do not survive the death of our body. The life we enjoy is like the flame of a candle. When the flame is put out, it does not go anywhere. It is simply gone.

7 Jesus Christ spoke about the condition of the dead. He did so with regard to Lazarus, a man whom he knew well and who had died. Jesus told his disciples: "Lazarus our friend has gone to rest." The disciples thought that Jesus meant that Lazarus was resting in sleep, recovering from an illness. They were wrong. Jesus explained: "Lazarus has died." (John 11:11-14) Notice that Jesus compared death to rest and sleep. Lazarus was neither in heaven nor in a burning hell. He was not meeting angels or ancestors. Lazarus was not being reborn as another human. He was at rest in death, as though in a deep sleep without dreams. Other scriptures also compare death to sleep. For example, when the disciple Stephen was stoned to death, the Bible says that he "fell asleep." (Acts 7:60) Similarly, the apostle Paul wrote about some in his day who had "fallen asleep" in death.-1 Corinthians 15:6.
8 Was it God's original purpose for people to die? Not at all! Jehovah made man to live forever on earth. As we learned earlier in this book, God placed the first human couple in a delightful paradise. He blessed them with perfect health. Jehovah wanted only good for them. Does any loving parent want his children to suffer the pain of old age and death? Of course not! Jehovah loved his children and wanted them to enjoy endless happiness on earth. Concerning humans, the Bible says: "Time indefinite [Jehovah] has put in their heart." (Ecclesiastes 3:11) God created us with the desire to live forever. And he has opened the way for that desire to be fulfilled.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2012 at 10:05AM
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I have to say that you have confused me. Are you saying that everything I have been told and thought my entire life that the ones who have gone before are waiting for us on the other side are not? If so that is not what I want to hear or think. I am already questioning God and his reasoning for taking my son from me and now you are telling me he is dead, not thinking and not waiting with my sister, aunt, grandmothers, grandfathers and everyone else who have died.
I have to say I don't care to hear this anymore. I am already absolutely distraught but had the hope that I would see my son again...and I honestly can't digest what you are saying.
Thank you for trying to encourage me but all you did was confuse me and I am not easily confused.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2012 at 10:37PM
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I truly apologize. It was never my intention. What I believe only comes from the Bible and not from tradition, and I can understand how you feel. I apologize. :-(
I did not mean to make things harder for you in any sort of way. God is a God of love and comfort and I take his word only from the Bible, not man and He does assure us that we will see them again still. For me, this is what truly gives me hope. Knowing that my family did not watch me suffer through their loss and they not able to comfort me from the "other side", but once again, I never meant to take that hope away from you. I cannot tell you how much it hurts me to cause you distress.
You will be in my thoughts especially during these hard times.

Hugs and love,


    Bookmark   January 24, 2012 at 9:10AM
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Not everyone here may be of the Christian faith and interpret the Afterlife differently.

For those who are Christian there are scriptures that back up the belief that our spirit returns to Heaven at death.


The criminal on the cross next to Jesus:
"Then he said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.'" (Luke 23:42)
Jesus'response:"Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.'" (Luke 23:43)

2Corinthians 5-8
We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

In Revelation 12:10-12 the saints in heaven praise those on earth who have conquered the devil through the blood of Christ. How could they do that if they did not know what was happening on earth?

In Revelation 5:8 the saints in heaven offer the prayers of the "holy ones" Romans 8:27, Revelation 13:7)] before the throne of God.

There is a lot of scripture (I didn't put them all here)that leads us in the direction of believing that we go on after death.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2012 at 4:14AM
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Thank you for your response. I want to thank Ada too for her thoughts. I am so raw right now that I have to think and know that Burt is not just in the ground and I will see him again, even though I believe he will not look like himself, nor will I. I think it says somewhere in the Bible that we are not in the Earthly bodies, but that we will know each other.
I have hade a very emotional and draining weekend but was also lifted up at the same time. I had to attend a convention for business with 3,000+ people. I had to drive 9 hours to get there, by myself. I only knew a handful and was anxious about going but I went. Yesterday one of the speakers was talking about raising our children and nurturing them and on and on and I couldn't hold it in and ran to the bathroom crying. I ran into the arms of a woman I had met once in September. Another woman comforted me as well and asked if I minded if she prayed for me. As she prayed, she asked that my child's Ma would be comforted by the Holy Spirit. I was stunned. My son only called me Ma, he never called me Mom unless he was mad at me. How could this woman whom I had never laid eyes on known that Burt's Ma needed to be comforted?
Before it was all over with there were at least 5 women surrounding me with love and praying for my peace and comfort over the loss of my son. I have never experienced anything like it in my life.
After it was all over, I recognized the woman I originally fell on as someone I went to school with in April, before my son died, but one day in April, we were in the bathroom and she was crying and I comforted her as she found out that her best friend had been taken off life support and her father had passed just a week or so before and she hadn't been able to get to him before he passed.
How did we end up working for the same company, that is a national firm, come from the same city, and meet up under similar circumstances in a city 9 hours from our hometown?
It couldn't have been just coincidence.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2012 at 12:55AM
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I would like to think, Burtsmom, that your son is aware of your grief and pain and is praying for you. And, his prayers were answered. Ministering "angels" were placed in your path. The events you describe can be interpreted as more than coincidence. More like synchronicity. It doesn't matter what other people might think of the occurrence. In your gut, if it feels like it was, then you decide!

It is almost like touching a little piece of Heaven. You get a taste of how Lovely it will be.

Your Son is in a place now of unconditional Love. Like Christmas and His Birthday, Easter and a trip to an Amusement Park all wrapped up together like a beautiful present.

He is Home, and safe and Loved and he wants you to be Happy while you are still here and finish your good work.

Time, is not the same there for Him as it is here.

He will be waiting for you one day in the Light to Welcome you Home.


    Bookmark   January 31, 2012 at 12:13AM
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How are you? It seems that you are a very busy woman, and to an extent that is good. It's good to keep occupied and keep your schedule, it will help in your road to healing. What an experience you had too! It's so amazing sometimes how Jehovah God through his holy spirit works.

Have you kept in contact with your coworker? It seems almost like she was returning the favor. You must have really touched her back in April and she may have recognized you before you recognized her. How wonderful to receive the help and comfort from someone who views things such as yourself, and how wonderful that this happened to you while away. Shows that we cannot hide from God's mercy and loving kindness. Hope to hear from you soon.



    Bookmark   February 7, 2012 at 9:22AM
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Ada and Tender,
I had another very hard weekend and when I got home the doctor had changed my medicine yet again. This last one was horrible. I have decided not to do any meds if I can help it. I am tired of them making me feel worse...isn't medicine supposed to make you feel better?
The new medicine has caused me not to be able to do anything worthwhile since Monday. So I have stopped taking it.
Thanks for checking in on me.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2012 at 8:13PM
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Since stopping the meds last week I have to say I feel better than I have in a while. At least I have been more productive and don't feel like crap. I still cry over cookies in the store or because it's 3 pm, or because I am driving on a certain road that would lead me to my son if he were at work. That has become my "new normal".
When I informed my doctor I wasn't doing the medicine any longer his nurse called and wanted to prescribe me an antihisitimine! I guess if I weren't me, I wouldn't have known that's what it was. She stammered when I questioned her and then told her I was going to give my body a break from all the poison.
What really irritates me is that everything they have wanted to prescribe me has the side effect of drowsiness and says not to drive until you can determine how it's going to effect you. I can log over 500 miles on my car in two days for heaven's sake! And cannot take off work to wait for side effects.
The next few weeks are going to be a real trip in more ways than one. I'm not looking forward to it. Wish me luck!

    Bookmark   February 14, 2012 at 12:34AM
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Hi Tammy,

I understand the way you feel. I recently took my babygirl to the hospital because she had a high fever that wouldn't stop. They gave me ibuprofen and antibiotics because they said she had a mild ear infection. Well I decided to not give her the antibiotics and use them for when she really needs them, especially since they are very harsh on the tummy. Two days later, she breaks out in small hives and lo and behold I researched and ALL her symptoms were baby measles!! NOT an ear infection!! I was so mad and also glad that I didn't give her the antibiotics because it would have done nothing to her measles.

Anyway, my point is that I don't really trust doctors all the time they are good for emergencies and trauma situations but nothing else. I also wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you, waiting for you to post again. I know you don't always feel very well but it's good to hear from you. I'm impressed at all that you are able to do despite your grief, it's so good to see you keeping up with your routine. In fact, I read some scriptures that I thought might be encouraging to hear. God knows when we are experiencing distressing emotions. In the book of Lamentations we read this in Chapter 3:55-57, "I have called out your name, O Jehovah, from a pit of the lowest sort. My voice you must hear. Do not hide your ear to my relief, to my cry for help. You have drawn near in the day that I kept calling you. You said: 'Do not be afraid.'" At any time in the day no matter where we are Tammy we can approach God with our prayers and supplications. Even if "our hearts may condemn us," we can "persuade our hearts" that "God is greater than our hearts and knows all things." (1 John 3:19,20)

Also, I like to eat healthy as much as I can and I came across this article some time ago about the benefits of cashews, here's an excerpt: --According to Andrew Saul author of Fire Your Doctor! How to be Independently Healthy, a large handful of these tasty nuts provides one to two thousand milligrams of the important amino acid tryptophan which works just as good, if not better, than antidepressants, specifically Prozac. It is the tryptophan that produces the feelings of mellowness. Actually food, not drugs, will feed your body going to the root cause of your problem, rather then just temporarily removing the symptoms. The "side-effects" of this natural "Prozac," rather than harmful, are more health benefits.-- You can try eating two handfuls of raw, unsalted cashew nuts each day. The author said a friend of hers has stopped taking anti-depressant medication (under a doctor's supervision).

Above all Tammy, it's nice to hear from you. I hope you keep in touch, please remember that coming back here and connecting with others who have also endured a loss will help.

Warm hugs,


    Bookmark   February 14, 2012 at 12:56PM
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I love cashews and eat them all the time. I don't know that I've ever felt a mellowness from them but haven't paid attention to that specific symptom.
It's a good thing you didn't give your baby those antibiotics. My son's pediatrician didn't believe in giving them to him unless he had an infection that showed up in a blood culture. Only when he was 20 did he have to take massive amounts of them and his body fought them and when they finally did what I asked and pulled them his numbers started to drop and he got better.
I have always been able to smell the measles. I know it sounds weird but they have a smell all their own. When I was a kid we didn't have the measles vaccine so we all got them, and boy did they smell. When I was a teenager my boyfriend's brother was all broken out and his mother asked me what I thought and the minute I walked toward him I smelled them, he had the measles. We just made sure we slathered him in calamine lotion and kept the curtains drawn. Mama always told me that bright light when someone has the measles can cause blindness. I don't know if it's true, but she's not wrong about much and I wasn't going to risk it!
Thank you for your sweet words and scriptures. I find solace in coming here to vent and just to let out feelings no one else cares to hear about.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2012 at 5:11PM
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I'm not really one for taking medicines either. But, sometimes you need them. If they don't help then give them up. At least you gave it a shot.

The hurt of the loss of my lost loved one hasn't changed but I'm starting to just accept it now. I just keep remembering His last visit at our house and the last phone conversation we had. I can remember every word and how He looked when I last saw Him.

Now, a little tears are springing up cause I'm talking about it. I think that each day you just accept it more and more and live in between the hurt. I don't think it ever goes completely away.

I still feel sad. In some strange way I think I cause some of it. I don't want them who left to feel I forgot them. I look at his picture on purpose and then send prayers and thoughts to him.

I tell my brother to be in the light when it is my time and not to forget me. I ask him to mention his family to g_d since he is up there now and I think knows what is going on with family left behind.

Truly, we were left behind.

They are Living in Eternity now. Their prior life must seem like a Dream to them and now they are living the Real thing.

It is so awesome.

Some day we will find out and be reunited.

Be Blessed,

    Bookmark   February 15, 2012 at 10:05PM
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I know what you mean about remembering every word said the last time you saw your loved one last. I can still feel the kiss Burt gave me before I left him.
I have learned to cry and drive, and a lot of other things since that fateful day. There is guilt, somewhat. I often think that I had to have done something wrong or else Burt wouldn't have been taken from me. Was I not a good enough mother, did I not do enough of what I needed to do, whatever that was? Did my being tired and being so ready for him to move back to the mall closer to us make God mad enough to just make sure I didn't have to drive into another city to take him to work ever again... did that do it? My logical mind tells me that none of that had anything to do with Burt's death. Did the stress he was under cause it? Did I put too much on him, asking him to watch Mama and Daddy for me? He had done it by his own choice since he was 19, so it wasn't that I asked him to do anything more than what he wanted to do when he moved in over there. Could their illnesses have stressed him so much that it just took a toll on his body. Was his being stuck at that outdoor mall keep him from getting his exercise and not be able to release the stress.
As you can see I still have a lot of issues to work through. Everyday it seems that I speak to someone else who has to be told about Burt, and I have to relive it all over again. Not the intimate details but just that he's gone and not here with me. And I remember the intimate details even if I don't give them. But everybody asks what happened to him, he was so healthy.
Yesterday I smelled his pillow and prayed to God that the smell never leaves. I have it tightly in a plastic bag to keep the smell in so I can still smell him occasionally.
I can only hope that one day I see Burt and this horrible pain will stop, when we are reunited.
I don't have small tears, I have downpours. Everyday. Sometimes more than once a day. I miss my boy so very much, more each day it seems. My sister told me that tears cleanse toxins from the body, I must be as pure as the driven snow! I can't have any toxins left in me.
If there was a magic pill I would take it if it would/could make this anguish, frustration, emptiness, vacancy, and feeling of helplessness go away, if even for a day.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2012 at 11:36PM
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That is so weird that you can smell the measles! I got a little chuckle from that just getting a mental picture of it hehe! I wish I had that sensitivity. Regarding your last post, there are so many questions that you have that will probably never be answered, however, the Bible does provide answers to the most important ones. The truth is that it is completely normal to feel the pain and grief you are experiencing.

In fact, I find much comfort knowing that Jesus can relate to our pain. When he was on earth he became close friends with a man named Lazarus, he "loved Lazarus" (John 11:5) But he sadly passed away. What moves me is Jesus' reaction when he learned of the news. He went to join Lazarus' relatives and friends as they grieved over this loss and upon seeing them, Jesus was deeply moved. He "groaned in the spirit and became troubled..and gave way to tears." (John 11:33, 35) Even though he was grieving, it didn't mean he had no hope. In fact, Jesus knew that something wonderful was about to happen but still felt the pain and sorrow that death brings.

This I find encouraging because it teaches us that Jesus and his Father, Jehovah, hate death. But the account doesn't stop there. Lazarus had been buried in a cave, and Jesus asked that the stone sealing its entrance be taken away. Martha, his sister, objected because after four days Lazarus' body must have begun to decay, and from a human standpoint there was no hope. However, when they removed the stone Jesus called out: "Lazarus, come on out!" and "the man that had been dead came out." (John 11:41-44)

I can't even imagine the joy of everyone there! There Lazarus was standing, it was almost too good to be true. But it's important to notice that Jesus did not claim to perform this amazing miracle on his own. He had prayed to his Father just before, and made it clear that Jehovah was the source of the resurrection.

Like this, there are other 8 miracles of resurrection recorded in the Bible. They all tell us that this is a reality that we all have to look forward to, not just a myth. Tammy, you have the possibility of seeing Burt again and that answers the most important question, will you ever see him again. We have hope and the promise from God Almighty himself, who cannot lie.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. There are things that you wish you could change but truth is that they might not have changed the outcome of things. Crying is a helpful release like your sister said, just keep in mind that there is One who is watching us and One who gave us a promise so that we could bare the painful loss of a loved one. He understand us, He understands you. It almost brought me to tears knowing that you are keeping Burt's pillow in a plastic bag, hoping to preserve his smell, it truly touched me. Jehovah God has a perfect memory, he knows the names and places of EVERY star in the heavens. "Raise your eyes high up and see, Who has created these things? It is the One who is bringing forth the army of them even by number, all of them whom he calls even by name. Due to the abundance of dynamic energy, he also being vigorous in power, not one of them is missing." (Isaiah 40:26) So God can remember our loved ones who have passed in every detail, and he is ready to restore them to life.

I'm sorry to say that there is no magic pill to make all your grief, emptiness, anguish and frustration go away but you already knew that. However, learning more about God will definitely do that for you, it just takes time and effort. Here I go again, writing a looong post. I'm sorry, I hope I don't bore you. I just feel so strongly about this subject and it has given me so much hope and helps me remain calm and focused that I feel I need to share it all at once. Tammy, keep coming back here. I am here if you have any questions, I will always give you answers from the Bible not my personal opinion.

Warm bear hugs,


    Bookmark   February 16, 2012 at 10:54AM
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strawchicago 5a IL

Hi Burtsmom: yes, it's normal. When we pour out love to some one, once the person is gone - we feel empty inside. One of the way to be happy again is to continue that outlet of love ... in another channel.

Happiness is like a faucet, if there's is water, or love, flowing out of the faucet - then we are happy. The minute the faucet is turned off through a loss, we get bottled up inside and feel pain. Is there another person, a hobby, a charitable cause ... that you can channel that blocked love inside? Maybe you can still continue to love your son, but through someone who needs a Mom - or doing things that make your son happy in heaven. I'm sure he wants you to be happy and take good care of yourself.

If I die before my Mom, what I want her to know and feel everyday is that "I love her, and I want her to be happy." Men always want their women to be happy, and that speaks both for sons and husbands.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 2:15PM
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Strawberry Hill,
I take care of my parents. They are elderly and cannot do for themselves as much as they always did. I've always done for other people, my friends when they need me. My son played wheelchair basketball and tennis and I try to help his coach as much as I in a more supportive role than active, since I work 6 days or more a week. My line of work is in helping people...I sell mortgage protection, life and disability insurance so people can take care of their families in the event of something like I experienced. Had I not had life insurance on my son, I don't know what I would have done.
I share my story whenever I can and have kids who look to me to do things for them. I have a great-niece and great-nephew I pour myself into, I dont see them all the time but I am a part of their lives. I'm married, and am trying to keep the marriage together and not be a's hard to do.
I have some to the conclusion that I will always feel these feelings. I cannot ever stop having a deep loss over losing Burt. He was my everything. Every birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Monday, everyday will include something to remind me of him and I will grieve for him. As I drive down the roads of the rest of my life I will see places we went, or wanted to go and think of him. It's not okay and never will be but that's the way it is and I have to accept it whether I like it or not. I wasn't given a choice.
I appreciate your kind words, and am not determined to be miserable, it's just the way it is. In 20 years if it's different I will come back on here and say so...

    Bookmark   February 23, 2012 at 9:45PM
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strawchicago 5a IL

Hi Burtsmom: you are right, grief is normal for us to grow again. I'm glad you share your grief on this forum. I'm happier when I can vent out my sad feelings. It's good to share how much you miss your son with others. Talking about a traumatic experience again and again helped victims to cope better. It's a way of getting used to it.

I like Ada's spiritual perspective in a loving God, who created all of us. My belief in God had helped me to let go of things which hurt me. Your son is a delight and joy to hold on to, but the memory of his loss is what painful. If my loved ones die tomorrow, a spiritual perspective helps me to see that person happy and well-cared for in heaven, thereby I'm happy for them.

Three months is too soon to be happy - it's a time for grieving and to vent out sad feelings, and to talk about what hurt you. It usually takes at least 1 year to cope with a loss. For me, the more people I can talk to about a loss, the easier it is to cope.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 9:47AM
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My son has been gone 7 months now and I am no closer to being happy. I will never be happy again it seems. I try to feel good, do what needs to be done with a fake smile on my face. I have always been a believer but this has shaken my belief to the core. I am still pissed that God took my son. I am tired of hearing that "God had other plans for him" or "God needed another angel". Screw that, I had plans for my son, he had plans for himself. I needed my angel here and now he's gone and that really makes me mad.
I have had so many hits this past year. I lost my little sister February 20, 2011, one year ago this past Monday. My son went 5 months later, my parents' health has declined drastically since their passing. I expect any day to have one or both of them die. My father lost his sister on January 14 of this year.
I'm tired. Exhausted. Physically and mentally drained. I pray all the time for peace, for understanding for anything that will help me cope and I get nothing. Absolutely nothing. I feel alone, lost and floundering in nothingness, with no hope of feeling better. Some days I feel like running screaming into traffic.
The way time is going by, a year will be here in no time and I don't think I'll feel any different than I do right now. I'll just be shocked that it's been so long yet feels like yesterday.
I really appreciate all of your thoughts and kind words, but right now, nothing helps my state of mind. The one thing I want I cannot son back.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 11:58AM
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Tammy, after reading your last post I'm getting the feeling that bitterness is welling up in you and I can relate to it.

Everyone here has given you some really good advice and understanding.

I know what you mean about not caring to hear your Son is happy and safe in a Heavenly place.

My family has been riding a "roller coaster" thru the pit of H*ll for quite sometime and my Brother passing unexpectedly at his age was like a big smack in the face. I felt like G_d was spitting on my family once again.

You, too, have been going thru a rough ride with losses in your family. It feels very unfair and almost like you are being singled out.

I know It Stinks, Stinks, Stinks.

It will take the beauty out of the flowers, the spring out of your step and turn the loveliness of a cool breeze on a summer's day into a distant memory. Everything feels ugly and bleak.

It is a choice!

It Hurts to lose someone you Loved so much and miss them sitting at your kitchen table but getting bitter isn't going to change it.

Somehow I am coming to terms with death. We can't live our Lives in a Graveyard.

When you are ready, it will be time to make the choice to start healing.

I hope you find your way to that place. It is a journey that I am on and many of the people here who have posted in response to your pain.

I feel it and have it too but it seems that the journey can't begin until the committment is made to travel that road. It won't be easy. One step at a time.

Take care,

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 11:22PM
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The steps I am taking right now are back to being baby steps. I keep going through the 7, 10, or however many stages of grief there are. I feel as if I am on a merry-go-round of grief, that as soon as I get past whatever is supposed to be the last stage, I go back to the first.
I feel like Burt has just died. I visit another grief site and get to talk to moms who have lost children of all ages but there is a specific forum for adult children. The moms write things that sometimes makes me think they are in my mind, feeling the way I feel. Some moms have been missing their kids for a few months like me or for years so they have a great perspective on what is happening to me.
They have told me that I am in the 6-9 month pit. That the shock and denial are wearing off and the reality is setting in. I just know I am miserable and trying to keep moving forward. I am taking a hiatus from the new job and going to do some paint therapy so I can ease my brain. I don't have to think when I paint, it's second nature to me and helps me calm down.
I need to rest my brain, body and soul. I'm taking time for myself and hopefully it will do me good.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2012 at 12:49AM
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Yes, you are probably at the point where the reality is setting in. I think a lot of people, especially, when the loss is unexpected or the person is relatively, young will mull over everything leading up to the death. Trying to figure out if they could have stopped it somehow. Blaming surrounding circumstances, doctors, the deceased themselves. Then you just have to give up on it cause it is over and there is no going back.

When my Brother passed, I went to a local florist shop as I wanted black ribbons to drape on my house. I was having family over after the wake.

I met a girl at the shop whose brother (18)committed suicide 6 months prior to that time. Without warning. She told me how devastated her parents are and her family. She told me that now she is determined to think of the "good times". Her memories concentrate on all the good things she shared with him. And, she doesn't try to figure it out anymore. I can't and wouldn't want to think about how horrible it must be for her parents. They lost a son who took his own life and he had a wonderful future.

I think it just will take time to get use to it. The hurt will never go away but we will learn how to live with it and still find joy in living without them.

Keep looking for ways to express yourself through things you enjoy like painting. You might find that you have talent. And that would be gift.

The loss causes people to change direction in their lives.
I hope there is a rainbow at the end of that path for you and all of us who mourn.


    Bookmark   February 27, 2012 at 3:13PM
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When I talk about paint therapy, I mean housepainting! I was a house painter for 30 years and it calms me. I don't have the talent to be an artist painter but I can paint walls, doors, windows, and whatever else the customer wants painted. It's so natural to me I don't have to think when I do it.
I have taken care of all my calls today with the insurance business. I am taking some time off to gather myself up so I can start moving forward again. I can't stop moving forward or I'll slide back down into the hole, the pit, the horrible place I'm at right now.
I wish for a rainbow for us all as well.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2012 at 8:52PM
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Hi Tammy,

Wow, the more you talk about your son the more I get to know him, and the wonderful person he was. He was so talented and despite being in a wheelchair that didn't stop him or discourage him from being involved in sports. That to me speaks volumes! You also mention that you work 6 days or more a week, that is kind of a lot when you are grieving. I understand what you mean by just keep moving forward or I'll move backward but what about your husband, how is he coping? The death of a son can easily corrode a marriage since you both are grieving, but maybe each in your own way. I don't need to remind you that we are so different than men.

Please keep in mind Tammy that 7 months is very very raw still. The grieving calendar is different for everyone but some people don't START feeling a measure of comfort until 2 years later or more. So, don't feel guilty, or like you are taking too long, although it might seem that this feeling will last forever and ever, it won't. Eventually you will realize that this is your new normal. I also have to mention that sayings such as the ones you mentioned that God wanted another angel are not designed in their very nature to draw you closer to God. This saying alone can make anyone bitter and anyone mad AT God and with good reason. This, however, is not the truth. A loving Father would never cause us to suffer in this way, never ever! The fact that He ALLOWS these things to happen is completely different that CAUSING these things to happen.

With so many things happening in your life it's no wonder they are taking a toll on your mental well being. Please be strong. I know you pray for deliverance from this grief, but we need to examine our motives when we pray. When we are suffering it is easy to have spiritual matters fade into the background. When we are praying, as Jesus did before he was to be executed, we need to keep our mind focused on God, on the sanctification of his name, Jehovah, and on the vindication of his sovereignty. Doing this will help us to maintain a positive outlook even if the solution that we hope for fails to materialize. The answer to our prayers may be that we need to endure the situation with God's help. We can get that help by taking a closer look at the Bible and 'hearing' what He has to say.

In fact, I was just reading an article yesterday that reminded me of you and I thought I would share part of it. It was an examination of Isaiah 40:31 that says: "Those hoping in Jehovah will regain power. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not tire out". Talking about QUOTE the secret of the eagle's ability to stay afloat with very little effort, it mentioned that they use thermal winds, or columns of rising warm air. These thermals are invisible, but the eagle is very good at finding them. Once a thermal is located, the eagle spreads out its wings and tail and circles within the column of warm air, which carries the eagle higher and higher. When sufficient height is gained, it glides to the next thermal where the process is repeated and in this way it stays aloft for hours with a minimum expenditure of energy.

This is a beautiful illustration of how Jehovah's strength can lift us up spiritually and emotionally so that we can carry on with our work. Just as an eagle cannot soar to such heights using its own strength, we cannot cope if we rely on our own abilities. The apostle Paul mentioned, "for all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me" (Philippians 4:13) Like an eagle that constantly searches for invisible thermals, we "keep on asking" for Jehovah's invisible active force, holy spirit, by means of our fervent prayers. END QUOTE

I really thought this applied to how you are feeling and it might be of some hope and comfort to you Tammy. Like always, I write too much hehehe! Sorry for the long post.

Warm hugs,


    Bookmark   February 29, 2012 at 10:51AM
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I was taught to pray that God's will be done. I work all the time because that's who I am. I have worked since I was 12. If I don't work I don't feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. They say you can look at your parents and see when you are going to retire. My father stopped working November 7, 2010 after he was diagnosed with a perforated ulcer that almost killed him, he was never able to work again. He was 82 at the time and worked full-time. His health has deteriorated so much since my sister and my son died.
My mother worked until her bones wouldn't let her sneeze without them breaking. She still manages to get out in the yard and pushes her walker around with a hoe, shovel, and broom across the handles, when it's warm enough and she feels well enough. Her health has also deteriorated and she feels bad more than she feels good. But she forces herself to go on, if she doesn't get up and move she's afraid she won't ever again.
My husband and I work together painting, we have for the past 30 years. We are grieving diffently, and I accept that. I am trying to keep our marriage together but it takes two...I can't help him if he won't let me. I cannot sit and watch westerns all day, and he can. I have to feel productive, even after the workday is through. By working around the house and working to improve our financial situation. I had hopes and dreams for Burt and they will never come to pass now, so I have to keep pursuing those hopes and dreams for me. If I don't, I'll curl up and die.
I have spent all day at the doctor with my father, getting cancers taken off his head and face, just like I did last week and I will take him again next week when everybody else is busy. I will always make time for them, they always made time for me, and loved my son with all their hearts.
So when I say I work 6 days a week, it may seem unusual for some, but is perfectly natural for me. I have always worked, even when I was at home trying to keep my son alive when he was a baby. Taking him to the doctor all the time, sitting with him at the hospital and helping him recuperate after surgery. When he would go to sleep, I would sew for my nieces, knit, crochet and other things to keep my hands and mind busy and hopefully earn a little money.
So you see my upbringing makes me feel the need to work as much as I do. I must have been the only one out of 4 children to get it, because neither sister worked very much or for a long period of time, and my brother only works to support his play habit. Big boy toys are expensive but I have to say, with all his toys he is not a happy man.
Maybe by me coming on sites like this and writing about how I feel I will evenutally work out my frustrations, anger and all the other emotions I have inside me. I don't ever expect to be okay with Burt not being in my life, but I will learn to share his story and maybe help someone else.
I appreciate your kindness.

    Bookmark   February 29, 2012 at 6:40PM
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The most horrible part of losing someone is knowing that you will manage to live without them and have the awful hollow feeling inside.

That is the worst part to me. Knowing I can't dial my brother's phone anymore (it is disconnected). It is the strangest feeling.

Knowing He is not in this world with me anymore. I could live without ever seeing or talking to Him if I knew He was still here and ok.

If I really think about it, I know I am angry that He was taken too young. He was all I really had left of close family. I needed him to be here. I Loved Him even if He never lifted a finger for me. I didn't see him that much but when I did my heart would light up.

I know I will see Him again.

It hurts a lot.

Death is a part of Life. We all have to go thru it. It sucks.

Maybe in a way it will lead people down a spiritual path and help us to get ready for when the time comes for us to leave this world. Thru it we can find a Faith and a Hope in a Hereafter.

In the meantime, we wander thru the wilderness searching for the answer, the way back to that place we were before we Lost them.


    Bookmark   February 29, 2012 at 11:36PM
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Hi there Tammy,

Wow, you are so industrious. Working has been a release for you from what I gather from your words, isn't it? I understand what you mean that you have to feel productive. I love watching tv but my husband would just rather work, since he works from home, or learn something new so eventually I have learned to be that way too. You see, I started working very very young to help support my family, being the oldest and all. So, when I got married, I felt a huge relief and kind of slacked off a little. Now it's different though. I still like to watch some tv but now I'm doing something along, folding clothes or ironing or such things.

It's so beautiful to see that you are also taking care of your parents, and how great they themselves sound, working full time at 82! Wow! It's also very sad to see such industrious, caring, and kind-hearted people just wither away like that. This is what makes me have more faith that this isn't the way its supposed to be. We were not created just to live a few years, learn a trade or skill or have a hobbie, be good at it for a few years, just to see it all to waste because of our deteriorating health. Our hearts and minds are created with vast capacities of learning and much desire to live longer than what we are living now. That's the way it's supposed to be. Eventually we will be enjoying life as it was designed to be, here on earth, with people who love and respect God, and even with perfect health capable of living forever. We are promised that in this new system "No resident will say "I'm sick". That is what keeps me going, what brings me hope and even joy, despite the many tribulations we all face.


I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. There is nothing in this world, no other friendship, like the one of our siblings. Even though you mentioned you were not too close, the bond is still there. Please accept my deep condolences. I hope that someday, I don't know if it'll be sooner or later, you start feeling a measure of comfort.

Many hugs both of your ways,


    Bookmark   March 7, 2012 at 11:39AM
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Something has set me off and I don't know what it is. I have been pretty okay today, at least until tonight and the tears haven't stopped flowing. I miss my son. I want him here to hug him and kiss his scruffy face. To hear his voice and touch his hands. I want him to call me on the phone and tell me that he loves me. I want to take him to work tomorrow and pick him up. I need him, bad.
I went to the doctor last week and he gave me a new antidepressant, even though I am not depressed, just really sad and miss my son. One pill made me vomit so I called his office to tell his nurse. Their response was there was nothing else he could do for me until another new drug came out! That sure takes away my faith in the medical community. The first dingdong I had treated me like a drug addicted child and this guy pushed every pill imaginable at me and when I couldn't take any of them he gave up instead of giving me what I told him I could take in the first place. Dork.
I feel like I want to run around the block, only problem is it's after midnight and it's not too safe to be doing that here. I really don't care about that though. Nobody would want to fool with me in the mood I am in right now. I would probably scare Satan if I ran into him right now! I could get in my car and drive to the gym but that's not feasible either at this time of night.
I have an early morning tomorrow and it's going to be a long week. Losing the hour has me messed up and I can't get to sleep, so I lay and cry. Knowing that won't do me a bit of good, only give me a headache, stuffy nose and itchy eyes.
I feel like I have just lost Burt. That he just died tonight or last night or last week. It doesn't feel like he's been gone almost 8 months. 8 months! Where did they go? I know I have kept myself busy but time is only supposed to fly by when we are having fun and I am not having any fun at all. I can laugh, but am not happy. I can smile but don't mean it. I walk through each day like a zombie, living but dead on the inside. My soul is not content. I read the Bible and get nothing from it. My grandmother always told me that when I needed answers all I had to do was open the book and the answers would be given to me without me having to look. I've tried that and taken away gibberish. Maybe I'm not open enough to it, because of my anger toward God. The anger doesn't go away, it just gets worse.
I have to go by the cemetery and take the Christmas lights down that I have been lighting Burt's grave with since Christmas. I have gone from summer flowers, to fall flowers, to winter flowers and Christmas lights, and now have to get some spring flowers. I hate it. I despise it. I wish it didn't need to be done. Last week I was at the cemetery and several families were changing out the flowers on the graves. I wondered if they felt like me...doing it out of respect and to show my love for him but hating every minute of it. I would much rather take Burt to the tennis courts and play a game of tennis with him, or go to the park for a walk. We have had no winter and the weather has been perfect for outdoor activities.
He would be thrilled to know that his friends are on a bus tour of the United States promoting their new album...he would have tried to go along. I know he's there with them and they do too, but he's not physically there with them, only in spirit. That kills me.
I am so mad and don't know what to do about it. Praying isn't helping me. Keeping busy isn't helping me. Scriptures don't help me feel better about Burt not being here. Nothing seems to help.
I feel as if I am literally going to explode all over the place. That in the morning my husband might wake up and find me everywhere, hanging off the ceiling fans, running down the walls, and the dogs covered in what was once me. I know that's pretty graphic but it's how I feel. I can't be the only one to feel this way. If I am what is wrong with me?
God help me I want to feel better but don't know how! I have tried, I have tried so hard and nothing helps...what can I do??
I fought so hard to keep Burt alive from the minute he was born and to have him yanked away from me at the peak of his life when he was healthier than he'd ever been is so unfair. What did I do to deserve this? I loved him more than life itself, I put him first and was the best mother I knew how to be. Sacrifice came easily to me when Burt was involved. Why did this have to happen to me and why was my son taken from me?? I know there are no answers and I don't want to hear that God had a plan, or needed another angel, that's not going to get me anywhere but madder. I had a plan and so did Burt. I had my angel here with me and he was snatched away by a thief in the night.
I'm fighting mad and wish I knew how to relieve the anger.
Sorry for ramblling, but this had to come out on "paper" or I was going to go find the first person I ran into and take it out on them.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2012 at 1:41AM
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Hello Tammy -- and no, you surely are not the only one to feel like this. You prob'ly know how to describe it better than anyone else, though! I have felt just the same, but it's been three years for me. And with all the rage, the guilt and regrets, and just plain overwhelming sadness -- nothing ever made it better, nothing made it go away. I guess that's when we develop the "social bs" facade that we wear because we have to navigate through society . . . . . and inside we're just dead and wrecked.
I expect it will always be like this -- what would make it go away? We can't get our sons back.
But -- I do appreciate what I have left, and that keeps me going, keeps me humble.
I also read everything I can find about Life After Death and Near-Death Experiences. Anything to help me looking forward to seeing my son again.
Hope you can find some peace and get some rest --

    Bookmark   March 12, 2012 at 4:49AM
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Cindy I am so sorry you've been feeling this way for 3 years. It sure does...there are plenty of words I just don't want to be inappropriate! Blow, bite, suck and whatever else you can think of. Sometimes I just get so upset that I have to unleash a tirade or die of a heart attack, not that that would be so bad I often think because that'll be sooner I'll get to see Burt again. I am really not suicidal but am okay with just dropping dead. Surely that has to be better than what we experience on a daily basis. I didn't get to go by the cemetery today, it was raining and where Burt is buried stays wet. I wish I had known but I didn't. When I make enough money I will pay to have French drains put in and get that part of the cemetery dry even when it comes a gully washer. Tomorrow is another busy day, I have to take paperwork to a business, get flowers and replace them, take up the Christmas lights and then be at a meeting by 12:30 tomorrow afternoon that lasts until 11 pm. Another long day, followed by yet another long day Wednesday. I did take a nap today, only to be woken up and told that my father needed me to do him a favor to keep him from having to pay an ambulance bill from his stroke 2 weeks after Burt died, that Medicare refuses to pay. It's always something and that is one reason I think I get so overwhelmed.
I have a couple of things I have found that I am going to post. It makes so much sense to me. Describes how I feel to a T.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2012 at 12:24AM
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I know what you mean about "not suicidal, but . . . " I go to bed as late as possible, because if I'm totally exhausted I am more likely to not have to "try to sleep." I do most of my crying and bargaining with God then, and when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think of is Josh, and my heart just hurts. I feel so bad, so heartbroken, sometimes when I go to bed at night, I am actually surprised to wake up in the morning. How can you hurt this much for this long and still be alive?

I am supposed to be on meds for high blood pressure and cholesterol, but the prescriptions have to be renewed, and I haven't gotten around to going back to the doc to do that. Sometimes I wonder -- is this like a passive suicide thing? Seems like I'm not actually trying to do myself in, but I'm not doing anything to try too hard to stay alive. This sounds weird, even to me, but -- I dunno.

I never did like doctors much, and with Josh's experience with docs who were more than willing to load him up with meds, I'm even more that way. After Josh died, two different doctors offered me anti-depressants and sleeping pills. If they only knew how I felt about those things and the big pharmacies kickback racket , , , ,
And yer right -- sometimes we need all our bad words. Not that it helps, but it does describe life now.


    Bookmark   March 13, 2012 at 2:10AM
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I posted and it didn't show up. I tried to post one of the poems and it rejected it so maybe I am blackballed for being honest. I don't really care if I am, I feel blackballed for being without my son so what difference does it make if I am not allowed to post on a grief site??
I can understand how you feel about doctors, especially pill pushers, but you don't need to ignore your health, even if ignoring it will get you to Josh faster. There have to be other people in your life who want and need you here. That's what keeps me upright and moving forward.
After the last visit with my doctor I feel that all docs are twerps and think they are major dieties (you know that's what the MD stands for behind their name don't you?!). After pushing one final new antidepressant at me with glee, and finding out one pill made me vomit violently that night, his nurse called back and said there is nothing else they can do for me until a new medicine comes out!! I told him what works, I don't need it everyday, won't take it everyday and will not become addicted to it. But he won't prescribe it. Just give me pills that have all sorts of side effects and made me feel worse than I thought I could.
Burt would not take medicine, even after surgeries I would have to make him take one or two doses of pain medicine to keep him from doing himself more harm than good by hurting. After that the prescription went into the trash. The only medicine he was taking when he died was an 81 mg aspirin because his shunt went into his heart. I carry that dirty bottle in my purse just to have something of his close to me. I joke but am serious that if we ever have our car detailed, I will wrap the pull bar with Saran Wrap and duct tape and dare the people who detail it to clean the dirt off that bar. It was the dirt that came off Burt's hands from pushing his wheelchair. I love and cherish that dirt. If I ever sell that car, the bar is staying with me.
Please go to the doctor and get your meds filled, don't passively try to get to Josh faster.
I actually dreamed about Burt for the first time the other night. The phone rang and I answered it only to get a funny sound. I called the number back to see who it was and it was him. When I asked him what was up he laughed and said he just wanted to say Hi and that he loved me! I wish I could have seen him.
I'm going to wait a day or so to try and post that poem, maybe by then it won't be rejected again!

    Bookmark   March 14, 2012 at 5:20PM
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Hi Tammy -- you are SO fortunate to have a dream "visit!" I haven't had anything like that, but Josh's twin brother, Jeremy, dreams about him frequently, and his sister has had one dream that was a very vivid visit.

I hardly ever dream, or maybe I just don't remember them. When I do wake up during the night and I still remember a dream, it's always about all my kids when they were little and all at home together. Back in the good ol' days.

I guess I intend to go to the doc -- I just keep putting it off. Time goes by, and I'm still putting it off.

Hope this week is going better for you--


    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 1:23AM
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I don't usually dream. The only dream I ever really had was of me and my husband waiting in a room for news of Burt and a doctor comes in and tells us he didn't make it. That dream came true last July. My husband has vivid dreams, and he said the ones he dreams about Burt he knows it's him but he doesn't really see him, but he talks to him.
This week is the same as last week, I can look at it one of two ways, it's either sucking or blowing! It's hard for me to keep my sense of humor...then I think about Burt and how much he loved to laugh and play pranks. I need one of his hugs so bad. I tell myself that just one hug will get me through a few more weeks without him.

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to US, and you just might see THEM.

~Unknown Author

    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 2:00AM
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I like the poem -- thanks for posting it. I'll add it to my keeper-quotes document tonight.

The line that really hits home with me is, ". . . . inside she has become ancient." Exactly right.

And I totally understand about preserving that bar with its precious dirt! One thing I regret is that after we got the news about Josh, I had my other sons bring over all his clothes (clean and dirty) from his apartment, and I washed clothes for two days straight. I was so much in shock, and it was a way of doing something, anything for Josh. Now I wish I'd kept them unwashed -- they would have smelled like cars, 'cause that's what he did. That time seems like such a bad dream, such a nightmare -- I almost can't piece it all together to remember.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 3:57AM
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Hi Cindy,
I have now pieced together a puzzle, we are both on another grief site. Fancy that.
Most of Burt's clothes were at my parents' and Mama got ready to clean them out a lot faster than I did. So I had to go over there against my will and we went through them, my husband taking what he wanted to wear. I took his socks and wear them, we wore the same size shoe because of his spina bifida, his feet didn't grow. And the rest of the clothes that nobody wanted I took to Goodwill, Burt would have wanted that, he was always wanting to help other people. He loved snap front Western style shirts and I buried him in his favorite long sleeved one, it had to be long sleeved because of the donation, and the short sleeved ones I gave to his friend the country singer who loves them, and wears them on stage.
I do have Burt's pillow in a plastic bag, tied up tightly so when I need to smell him, I can untie the bag and stick my face into his pillow. I just pray that his smell never leaves that pillow. It's all I have left of him.
That poem hit home with me. The being ancient, is so true, but the part that got me was "she cooks, she cleans,....she Is but she is NOT all at the same time. That would be me.
We will get through this together. Or else I will go screaming into the night.
Try to have a good day.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2012 at 12:48PM
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Yup, we're both MISSters. The poem's words about the cooking and cleaning . . . . that's me too. I have other kids, grandkids to think about, which is a blessing and I appreciate them. But I do feel like I'm going through the motions, just kinda functioning on the surface of life but completely wrecked underneath it all. I guess it's the ol' "fake it until you can make it" thing going on, but what else can we do? And how can it ever be different?

    Bookmark   March 16, 2012 at 3:15AM
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Yep, everything has changed. The person we knew so well is gone from this life. Life is not the same. I remember my brother laughing and talking at the dinner table, his face so bright and happy with life ahead.

It never occurred to me that He would die so young and we would not grow old together.

People who have lost siblings later in life have said to me that it doesn't matter it still hurts even when they lost them at an older age.

I firmly agree. However, they will not spend such a long time here without them. If I live to an old age, I will live out those years without Him.

Can't have those conversations anymore with anyone who shared the same memories you have growing up. When something pops into my head, I can't call Him and laugh or cry about stuff that we both cared about. Can't ask him if he remembers when this or that happened.

It sucks.

Yeah, everything has changed. Life ain't the same.
I never expected that He would die so young.

Life goes on without them. I feel like He is lost somewhere out there and maybe there is someway to find Him or maybe I'm the one who is lost. The lost feeling just doesn't go away.

Take care,

    Bookmark   March 18, 2012 at 11:52PM
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I am sorry you lost your brother young. I know you miss him and sharing things that only you two shared. I lost my little sister last February, she's been gone a little over a year. I miss her but do not wish to have her back as sick as she was. I dreamed about her the other night, she wanted to drive the car and didn't do very well! It was an odd dream especially since I don't dream much anyway.
The loss I feel most is the loss of my living siblings. Since my son died they have all but abandoned me. If there is any communication, I have to initiate it and then it is very curt. They do not call me unless they want something from me. They do not email, text or even say anything to me on facebook. I think that hurts more than my little sister being dead.
To me I am dead to my brother and sister. Even when I see them, it's very fast and nothing is said to bring on an extended conversation. I have tried to talk to them, emailing, calling, texting but get nothing in return.
If I am at my parents' and one of them happens to be there, especially my brother who lives there, my brother leaves the room.
I hope you can come to terms with your brother being gone and one day I hope that my living siblings can come to terms with the fact that I am not a carrier of death and that by talking to me, they will not catch the germ that causes death. I get more comfort from complete strangers whom I have never met than I do from my brother and sister. I am the middle child, my sister is 3 years older than me and my brother is 2 1/2 years younger so you'd think they would be there for me but they are not.
I am alone with the grief of my son and sister when I should be bouyed up by them.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2012 at 11:47PM
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The sad part about it is that your siblings should be "grieving" along with you. Your son, their nephew, is gone and they should feel it if they were connected. It is about loving and caring about someone who you shared a part of your life with and now they are gone.

Some families are bonded that way and some are not. Some siblings just get together on holidays, funerals, weddings and are not "friendly" with each other. Siblings are not always friends. My family had issues that they claim are the reason why they did come around that much but if there was a real connection it would not have prevented them.

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.

I think that in order to come terms with it, think back on what your family/siblings were like when you grew up. Were they kind, loving, concerned during that time. If they weren't, they aren't going to be now. If it was like that all along, then they probably don't know how to be that way.

I always wanted everyone to be loving and forgiving. I would ignore hurtful past stuff and let them all be themselves but siblings move on sometimes and make a separate life and you are not included in their circle. As result, you are frozen in time and the relationship is not dynamic. You can't make it happen all by yourself. Relationships are not one sided. It turns into you giving and them taking it or leaving it. After a while, you get resentful and they don't care one way or the other.

When I realized what it was, I emotionally cut off one family member. That person is just a memory and the memories we have past childhood are not worth remembering. Sometimes, you have to do the hard work and process what it is.

Forgive them (even if they don't think they need your forgiveness) move on, wish them well and wish them Peace.

You can't make anyone Love you...

Bless you,

    Bookmark   March 22, 2012 at 1:18PM
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Note: I could not bear to read this entire thread. (Have to take care of my own emotions.) I only read your original questions.

There are no 'rules' for grief! I personally wouldn't consider anti-anxiety meds to be appropriate except for *very* short-term use; what you're more likely to need is anti-depressants. They would help your body make more of what you need to cope. You probably also need counseling, and it *must* be with a counselor you feel comfortable with.

Taking care of yourself is essential.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2012 at 7:36PM
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I've tried 3 times to respond to this post and each time something goes haywire so I guess it's not meant for me to respond. I have just spent over 12 hours on the road, and have logged 600 miles on my car in 2 days so I am not curled up in a ball doing nothing.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I have tried every antidepressant on the market including the newest Viibryd, all made me sick. I don't want anti-anxiety meds forever, just to have on hand when I feel a panic/anxiety attack coming on to nip it in the bud to keep from feeling like I need to go to the hospital. I have a very high tolerance for pain so it takes a lot to make me consider going to the hospital. I am not an addictive personality, do not drink, smoke or do drugs.
The only the I am really addicted to is food and oxygen. Without either I cannot live.
I do not have health insurance and counseling is not free, not even Alive Hospice, I have called and asked. In order to get grief counseling from the mental health co-op I have to be diagnosed as depressed and I am not depressed, just very, very sad that my son is gone. I know depression, suffered severe clinical depression 16 years ago and what I feel now is nothing like I felt then. Extreme sadness is normal when you lose a loved one, especially a child.
I am taking care of myself the best way I can but bills don't pay themselves, if they did it would be wonderful and I would not have to work 2 jobs to make ends meet.
Thank you for your input, please by all means protect your emotions.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2012 at 11:58PM
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Everyone is looking for a way to live inside of their grief and loss. Wishing for a way to stay connected to a loved one who is gone.

My brother was a very talented and acommplished guitarist/musician. Although I play an instrument, I am not his equal. He loved doing it and he did it well.

So, I decided to take guitar lessons and every inch of the way I know I feel him with me. I am committed to learning it for Him. The only gift I can give that I know He would appreciate.

My fingers on his Guitar will keep Him Alive. It is a comfort to me and the only way I can Honor his Memory in a way that I think He would appreciate.

Every lost loved one had something personal that we know about them. Finding something about them that is relevant and doing it for them is one way to Keep them with You.

Playing the Guitar for my Brother had been a help to me as I learn to live with his Loss.

Hope everyone can find something to help them with their Grief.


    Bookmark   March 27, 2012 at 2:08AM
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Monday will be 9 months since my son died. It doesn't seem that long, it seems like yesterday. I have had horrible dips and valleys and been in the bottom of the pit with no light shining at the top to climb toward.
I miss my son more everyday. Today as I was driving home I flashed onto his face as he lay dead in my parents' living room floor. I don't know why that happens when it does. It broke my heart all over again. I hate these flashbacks of him in his casket, the paramedics working on him trying to revive him without success. The sitting with him in the emergency room as he grew colder and no amount of covers would make him warm.
I hate it. I hate having to live without him and don't know that I will ever get used to him not being in my life. In 3 short months he will be gone a year. How did that happen? Where did the time go? I was not having fun. I feel like I have been abducted and nothing around me now is familiar.
I want this nightmare to end. Soon.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2012 at 10:29PM
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Hi Burt's Mom,

I cannot image the depth of your grief over the loss of you beautiful son but I do understand how it feels when your world is no longer as it once was.

I lost my beautiful mother 4 years ago this August and life has not been the same for me, nor will it ever be. I have come to accept that I will always miss much today and every day hereafter as I did the day she left. I will never get over losing her, I have only had to learn to live without her and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru.

The sun will never shine as bright as it once did when I had everyone I loved around me......but it does shine again. At times, the pain was more than I could bear but I would rather know the pain of loving her and losing her than to never have known her at all.

Your deep pain and longing will always be with you but I hope one day you can think about him and begin to smile. Many people experience grief differently but for me, it was excruciating and difficult to find my way and hope for you that you will find yours.

Allow yourself to feel it.....he was your son and you loved him beyond will never get over it. Mothers & children share bonds unlike any else know to the human race. I have seen the naked grief of the loss of a mothers son on the face of two of my friends and their losses changed them so please remember......He is not gone from you.....only from your sight.

May the arms of comfort wrap themselves around you to guide you thru this difficult period of your life.


    Bookmark   May 18, 2012 at 8:23AM
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I find that there are times when I can laugh and talk about Burt and about how he would have reacted to certain situations or what he would have said about certain things. But the grief is so deep that I cannot fathom being without him. This week was 10 months since he died. I cannot believe it has been so long, how did it go by so fast? In less than two months he'll be gone a year! A year! Where did it go? I'm more miserable than I have ever been and will never be the same person I was before Burt's death. I'm floundering, trying to find out who I am going to be now.
It's hard to do the things that need to be done, cooking, cleaning, and everything else that doesn't stop when life ends. I have to work hard everyday to do something productive and try to move forward.
Thanks again for your kind words.
Tammy-Burt's mom

    Bookmark   May 19, 2012 at 2:55PM
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