Lost my dad, just need to talk (or write)
My dad passed away at the end of this past May of a heart attack. He was only 54 and it was completely unexpected. I spoke with him on the phone about 2 hours before it happened...he was on a job interview. The only reason I was home was because it was 3 days before my law school graduation, something that meant so much to him and he will never see. I feel like things should be easing a bit by now, but if anything they are getting worse. I miss him everyday and most of the time I still don't believe that it actually happened. I just keep waiting for him to come him and to wake up for a horrible dream. Now, I am at a point in my life where I need and have so many questions to ask him and I feel utterly lost. He gave me confidence and now I dont know where to get it from.
I am the middle child of 5. Three of my siblings have their own families and they seem to be very busy and I feel guilty because I envy them. After I graduated, I moved to my parents house in a state where I know no one to help my mom. I have been there with her and my high school sister trying to help, but I can get a grip on things. MY mom is so sad and there is nothing i can do to ease it. And it makes me even sadder to think of her pain.
I always felt that I would be surrounded by people if I needed them, but I feel abandoned. My friends have long ago stopped asking about things, and that is when I hear from them. I dont even really know what I want from them but I just feel like there is a huge whole in my life and I just wish there was someone to lean on. I just feel so alone and I cannot share this with anyone cause I am trying to support my mom and my sister but I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him and I just want to talk to him. It upsets me so much that should i ever get married my husband and kids will never know him. Who will I ever talk about him to? The more time that passes, the more it bothers me because I feel like each day I lose him more. How in the world do you ever let go? I realize that this is not a question easily answered, but any advice helps.