Don't know what to do

clydeskidSeptember 5, 2005

I am 54 years old. Lost my dad 9 years ago. At the time there were a group of 11 of us who hung around together and had such good times, were such good friends. Judy died first at 43 of cancer, then Bill, then Jim, then the other Jim and it went in down the line in a matter of three years. Mack was the hardest to let go cause he was special, Finally there was only Ann and I left which was appropriate since we were the closest. 30 years of friendship more like sisters. Her family was my family. She had MS but was doing okay, Then two months ago she gets a stomach pain, bad, goes to ER where it is discovred she is full of cancer. She died three weeks later. We never knew, not even her husband. I am devastated, Have always been a strong person, take good care of my family but this one got me finally. I am the last one and they all died in ther 40's and 50's. Ann was the oldest at 60, and I cannot handle her being gone. I am a wreck inside though everyone thinks I am fine, To top it all off I have this irrational fear that I am next. All died of cancer except one, Do you think things like that happen for a reason? Why would 11 people who knew each other well all dies at early ages, most of the same thing? I am just on the edge with this.

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I am sorry you have lost so many friends/relatives. We do not know why these things happen. Is there a grief group near you? Contact your local hospital, YMCA, or even the local papers. These people have the love and guidance to help you.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2005 at 1:07AM
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why is that an irrational fear? love- we live in america. home of the toxic waste dump. Love Canal, 'A Silent Spring' localized leukemia 'outbreaks' that no one quite manages to pin on the local refinery because they're the only jobs out there.

if you want a foundation for your fears- try Neil Stephenson's 'zodiac' which deals with PCB poisoning in Boston Harbor in a way to make your skin crawl.

but, before you do, and join my cynical, paranoid little world-

go get screened. even if you don't feel lumps, or have odd color changes in your skin, or erratic bleeding, or suddenly gained or lost 20 pounds. my mom does every six months, between the genetic factors, and the known contaminants in the town she worked in during WWII-

then, maybe we can address the harder question (for me at least) which is 'why am I the only one left?

for me, the answer was because I always was the storyteller, the one who could find meaning in the senseless, could spin a tale of magic and danger to help the others walk between the dangers of their lives.

so something spared me, to make sure that their memories are not lost, at least not yet.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2005 at 2:18PM
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