Feels like I am serving a life sentence.

creasianSeptember 27, 2008

I guess a little history is in order on this title..

I am 27 years old. I had married young, at 19, out of love and no other attachments. In 2005, we had our first child who was dealt a harsh hand of heart and lung deformations and a rare syndrome. He passed away before the ambulance could reach our home christmas morning 2005 in our arms.

Forward almost 3 years. In that time me and my wife had gone back to school, and she was under a year away from her RN license and I am a year from my digital media design degree. Things were rocky emotionally but we made it through. We worked very hard and were planning a whole new life for us after graduation. To do things that we always wanted to. Fly to japan to meet her aunt, uncle, and grandmother and visit her mother's shrine at the family temple there. To actually have money to travel and take a moment to see some sights.

Last sunday, on september 21st 2008, I lost my wife of 8 years to a what I have been told was a heart attack.

I never fully recovered from my son slowly dying in my arms, dropping my little toy, and overall panic. The final moments of getting my wife to the local fire department, since we lived far into the country we got there just as they all were ready, haunts me. Her lungs filling up with water, screaming for help to the 911 operator as I drove like a maniac, and saying she wasnt going to make it and that she was going to die.

I cannot escape the gut wrenching pain that I am serving a life sentence that parole is my death. I am not a religious person per say, but do believe in something "more". I will find out only one way eh?

I am not the suicide type. Even if we are all destined to just become nothing, I cannot take my life due to what happened to my son and wife. It dishonors them, and their memories.

So I sit here, suffering. I contemplate what i can, and find that there is no answer for me. Nothing that will suffice. While some find comfort that life moves on and that a loving hand may help heal them someday, I have not a single spec, not a ounce, of that feeling whatsoever.

My degree depends on me being able to design games, which means that I will need to be able to imagine things not yet real. I am finding no way to close my eyes and see nothing but the cold truth that life is delicate that game over and restart holds no meaning anymore. I wonder now if even that avenue of my future has been shut before I ever got to decide to close it myself.

Perhaps with how I talk, one would think that I have hate in my heart. Hate and dispair and the "why me". But I dont. I feel neither my love nor my hate for anyone alive right now. I value my life, but I look forward to my death. I cannot kill myself, and I cannot purposely put myself in the situation without merit because that is just another form of suicide, masked behind selfishness.

I just feel like I am serving a life sentence without parole. You do your best to survive until the end comes. You man up and survive for them, as long as you can, the ones that preceded you in death.

Yet even as I was almost mugged earlier, my life in risk, I felt absolutely no fear. I was ready to fight if it came to it, and I would have fought with all of my might.

But I felt like there was no bad outcome. The contradiction is tearing me apart, that living and being killed hold the same worth to me, at 27.

Has anyone else felt the same?

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No, I have not been through such devastating experiences as you have.
I am so sad that I have no words to comfort you, but know that I am thinking of you and wishing and hoping that you can come through this and bring your experiences to bear some day to help others who are suffering too. You will have compassion for others that few will experience.
Is there a group close by you that deals with sorrow and grief.
Perhaps it would be of some comfort to you, I don't know.
You have a friend here, and you will remain in my heart.
Let us know how you are doing.
Lots of others here, understand and care too.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2008 at 2:04AM
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You have been through more pain and suffering in a short amount of time than many of us go through over our whole lives. As horrible as you feel, it seems to me that it is totally expected for what you have had to deal with. You must be overwhelmed with grief and being somewhat numb is your mind and body's way of dealing with the pain.

I am amazed by how strong you are. Though I've never had to deal with anything even close to your loss of your wife and child, I hope you know that you did not let either of them down.

I agree with Pat, please try to find a grief support group that can better understand your pain and loss. Though we may not have gone through what you have, we certainly care here.

Please take care, know you are strong, know your wife and child would want you to find happiness and joy in life again.


    Bookmark   September 29, 2008 at 3:46AM
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Oh Sweetheart, so sad to suffer such losses at a young age. Of course you were not afraid of a mugger..you have seen the worse in life, and their is no fear. Many of us do not learn that until way later in life.

I am not one who will tell you it was God's will. God or no God, our bodies are biological and at times they fail us. This brings me comfort with the people I have lost in my life..to know that I am not being punished by God. Your wife had a weak heart..and her body failed. Tragic, yes. But you can go on and enjoy your life and do great things. At times like this it will make you feel better to do things for other people. You will have to live with these losses, but totally get over it, no way. But it will subside. She would want you to have a wonderful life and in time my friend, you will. Cry all you need to. God Bless

    Bookmark   September 30, 2008 at 1:05AM
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My Heart goes out to you. The pain you must feel. Just loosing my mother has takin a part of me that will never come back, I can't imagine how you feel. Surround yourself with great friends and family. That really helps me.Try to find some comfort in knowing your son has his Mom again.I write to my Mother, try that it helps to get it off your chest. so sorry for your loss. Darzie

    Bookmark   October 4, 2008 at 8:22PM
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Just to let you know that I have been thinking of you often and wondering how you have been coping.
If you see this, will you drop a line or two and let us know.
Whether you let us know or not, you will remain In my thoughts.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 7:01PM
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I read your message and I appreciate your honesty. I gather that life is miserable now, but I am glad to read that you are decided to face the challenge and live the best as you can. It is too soon in your journey to have an answer to all of your questions. I also have a sad experience. My husband committed suicide after attacking me. He just wanted to kill himself no matter how much we begged him to spare his life. He did it with no contemplation for me or for his son. I could not sleep for months. I was in schock and I thought I was not going to get up again. The anxiety and the guilt dominated my life for months and months. I thought I would die too. My focus and my concentration were totally gone for long and I tried my best to continue working. Slowly, I was able to move on one day at a time. I taught my classes as I could, I wrote just one paper in a single semester last year. I couldn't do more and I accepted it. I could not function as I used to do it. Now, a little over a year later, I can eat better; I am sleeping a little bit more and I have recovered some sense of enjoyment for the things I used to like.
I hope time and the love of others will help you. My colleagues, family and friends and my support group have been important on my recovery. Right on when my therapist got sick three months into the treatment and wasn't able to meet with me anymore, I got two puppies who have kept me busy and have filled me in with their love. I hadn't had a dog in 11 years and it has been great to count on that source of unconditional love too. Surround yourself with the people who loves you. Talk about your memories and your pain. Talk about your feelings and your views. It helps to share.
What you have gone through is terrible and I admire you for sharing your story and for being honest about your own life. Sometimes I feel as If I am just waiting for my own death. I try hard to reject that feeling. However,even if that might be true, I still have to do something in the meantime. I know I have to make the best of this time even if I am still in pain. Teaching and helping my students have made me regain confidence on myself. I know I am doing something meaningful for them and that keeps me going. Getting a degree might force you to keep focused in times of despair. In the long run, your degree can provide you with the tools for doing something for other people. Take care of yourself as much as you can during this time. The very best for you.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2008 at 7:41PM
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