Feels like I am serving a life sentence.
I guess a little history is in order on this title..
I am 27 years old. I had married young, at 19, out of love and no other attachments. In 2005, we had our first child who was dealt a harsh hand of heart and lung deformations and a rare syndrome. He passed away before the ambulance could reach our home christmas morning 2005 in our arms.
Forward almost 3 years. In that time me and my wife had gone back to school, and she was under a year away from her RN license and I am a year from my digital media design degree. Things were rocky emotionally but we made it through. We worked very hard and were planning a whole new life for us after graduation. To do things that we always wanted to. Fly to japan to meet her aunt, uncle, and grandmother and visit her mother's shrine at the family temple there. To actually have money to travel and take a moment to see some sights.
Last sunday, on september 21st 2008, I lost my wife of 8 years to a what I have been told was a heart attack.
I never fully recovered from my son slowly dying in my arms, dropping my little toy, and overall panic. The final moments of getting my wife to the local fire department, since we lived far into the country we got there just as they all were ready, haunts me. Her lungs filling up with water, screaming for help to the 911 operator as I drove like a maniac, and saying she wasnt going to make it and that she was going to die.
I cannot escape the gut wrenching pain that I am serving a life sentence that parole is my death. I am not a religious person per say, but do believe in something "more". I will find out only one way eh?
I am not the suicide type. Even if we are all destined to just become nothing, I cannot take my life due to what happened to my son and wife. It dishonors them, and their memories.
So I sit here, suffering. I contemplate what i can, and find that there is no answer for me. Nothing that will suffice. While some find comfort that life moves on and that a loving hand may help heal them someday, I have not a single spec, not a ounce, of that feeling whatsoever.
My degree depends on me being able to design games, which means that I will need to be able to imagine things not yet real. I am finding no way to close my eyes and see nothing but the cold truth that life is delicate that game over and restart holds no meaning anymore. I wonder now if even that avenue of my future has been shut before I ever got to decide to close it myself.
Perhaps with how I talk, one would think that I have hate in my heart. Hate and dispair and the "why me". But I dont. I feel neither my love nor my hate for anyone alive right now. I value my life, but I look forward to my death. I cannot kill myself, and I cannot purposely put myself in the situation without merit because that is just another form of suicide, masked behind selfishness.
I just feel like I am serving a life sentence without parole. You do your best to survive until the end comes. You man up and survive for them, as long as you can, the ones that preceded you in death.
Yet even as I was almost mugged earlier, my life in risk, I felt absolutely no fear. I was ready to fight if it came to it, and I would have fought with all of my might.
But I felt like there was no bad outcome. The contradiction is tearing me apart, that living and being killed hold the same worth to me, at 27.
Has anyone else felt the same?