Lost my partner now what do I do?

bhfreebhSeptember 22, 2006

Lost my partner now what do I do? Sounds like a cute song but it has become our lives and I really need to know what to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

First, I am at a loss for words after reading some of these postings. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

We lost my 44 yr. husband to pancreatic cancer on July 19, 2006. His diagnosis from Nov 2005 until Feb 2006 was pneumonia, then they said he had pulmonary embolism (PE). Never, until the day he died did they even say the word cancer.

He never knew what he really had because he had become mentally unstable in late June (they were never sure why) - 5th hospital visit since Feb 14th, always hooking him up to blood thinners for the 'clot' that after autopsy they found was actually a piece of tumor that had traveled. He had vivid delusions of people and places from his past. People he worked with, people he served in the Air Force with but he knew us, just had no idea where he was or why he was there or even the year. This was just about all of his last month.

He aspirated stomach contents into his lungs 1 week before he died and was on a respirator for that last week completely unconscious.

So, it has been 2 months since he passed and I still do not feel like I am dealing at all with the loss.

I went back to work 2 weeks after the funeral (had to or no pay) but when I am there I avoid everybody that I can and cannot, under any circumstances, talk about my husband without becoming a weeping mess.

I absolutely can not talk about my husband being gone to anyone other than his sister and my father, and that isn't even really 'talking' - they make a comment and I say 'I know, I know' but in reality, I block out a lot of what they are saying - I just don't want to think about him being gone.

I know I am avoiding his death. Even to type these words feels so wrong. I've put his stuff away in his closet, haven't dealt with Social Security for our children (and we could definitely use the money). I just dont want to think about it.

I gave his car to our nephew because it pained all of us so much to come home and see it in the driveway and I just couldnÂt drive it because it was his car - even though my car is on its last legs and a lot older. Giving it away makes no sense; I should have traded it in with my car and gotten a more reliable vehicle. I see now why people say 'Don't make any big decisions for the first year'.

It is almost like I feel that if I don't THINK about it it won't hurt but I realize that I am just avoiding it at all costs. This can't be healthy can it? Is it normal? Have any of you just been like ostriches with your head in the sand - "I can't see you being gone so you must not be"

Do we need grief counseling? And by the way, what is grief counseling? How does it differ from 'regular' counseling? What do they do there? Since everybody grieves differently, would family sessions really help? I just don't know what the Âright thing to do is. Not to mention, IÂve never been a fan of therapy in any sense.

I am just at a loss of what to do. I keep reliving every medical detail, wondering why I didn't know there was something more wrong, wondering why we put all of our trust in these doctors who failed us horribly, wondering what I could have said or done that could have made the last months of his life so much better. I swear, my head is so full of 'What ifs' that I feel like I am going to explode or drown in them.

Ok, at this point I am totally babbling and I apologize. Some days I feel like the raving lunatic I sound like - today is one of those days. And when I say days I actually mean seconds because it hasnÂt been about having a good day here or there, it has been about having a good second, of which there have been few and far between.

I have to figure out what I am doing and how to deal with this, not so much for myself but for my kids. I need to stop living in this little Âignore it and it will go away world IÂve been in but I donÂt know how to start.

Please, any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated.

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I'm so sorry about your loss.

If you can find a grief counselor, you minister or a friend who can direct you right now I think it may be a good idea...not that I think you are ready to totally deal with your grief, but to help you get some semblence of order into your life. You NEED to get that Social Security started. Don't worry about touching his stuff, that can all wait.

I'm sorry about giving the car away, and don't know your family dynamica, but doubt you can get it back.

If you have life insurance you can collect on your husband you need to get that going also.

Now the next thing I found from watching a friend go through the loss of a child is to remember that everyone grieves in their own way, so don't compare yourself to ANYONE ELSE. Don't hurry this, and don't worry if you are "not grieving correctly' (As you may find people telling you at some time, they are wrong, not you). Right now you need to take one day at a time, and within that one day, you will find that there are times you are taking one minute at a time. People will tell you it will get easier, and it will, the pain lessens. The love you had for your husband doesn't lessen! Don't worry about that. The guilt will lessen and go away (you can What if yourself to a nervous breakdown, but it wasn't your fault you didn't know!!)

Come here often, there are so many wonderful people who can help you...Lulie-Wayne is the first one that comes to mind (and I know there are others, I apologize for not naming you as I've seen how special all of you are, I will lose this message if I go back to find other names). They have been where you are and can help in so many ways. Use they're shoulders to cry on, knowlegde they had to gain to help you, and their ears to just listen.


    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 9:38AM
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I'm so sorry you've lost your husband. Not only are you suffering that heartbreak, but you went through a very traumatic time with him in and out of the hospital so many times.

Give yourself plenty of time. Grieving is a painfully long and slow process.

As for counseling, it's often suggested here, but no one seems to report back on how it went. It couldn't hurt, could it? And it might help.

It would be wise to get over to Social Security as soon as you can.

My heart aches for you. Take care.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 10:12AM
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I am sorry for your loss. My DH passed away Sept. 05 of cancer, and it is still hard. Living in a fog is how it feels. Here are a couple of links that are message boards for people like us. You don't have to post if you don't want to, but it helps to read the messages and you will find out that all of your feelings and reactions to things are the "norm" for what we are going through. Sometimes it's as though someone has read your mind and thoughts. Give them a try and hoping it will help you feel not so alone.



    Bookmark   September 24, 2006 at 10:33PM
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Is there someone in your family who can act as an advocate for you?

You shouldn't be making decisions right now;
it's too easy to give away valuable resources that you & your children need, too easy to sign things that you shouldn't sign, etc.

I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved husband.

When you're less fogged, I think you need to consult an attorney.

Although I don't know if pancreatic cancer is always terminal, maybe more competent medical care could have given him & you more time & less pain.

holding you in my thoughts & in my heart.


    Bookmark   September 25, 2006 at 3:51PM
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