I feel so alone...lost my mom on June 29, 2011

cuppacoffee711September 1, 2011

I lost my mom on June 29, 2011...she was my best friend and I didn't think I could live without her. We have been together all of my 42 years, and she was diagnosed with cancer almost seven years ago. I had an unexpected miracle in my life--I had a beautiful baby boy on December 18, 2009. He is the reason that I am still here. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. My son was so close to her, and he does not realize why she is not here. He is better now than he was a couple of months ago, but I am not. I miss her so much...yesterday was her birthday. I cannot even go outside to the backyard, because she had the most wonderful gardens and they remind me so much of her that I can't stand it. I am hoping by next year I will have healed enough that I will be able to take care of them the way she did. I live in the house I grew up in, and sometimes I wish I didn't. Everywhere I look my mom is there, and she passed away here as well. I feel so alone most days, even though I have the most beautiful little boy here with me. I also have an older son, who will be 23 next week, and a husband whom I love, but I don't think he really understands how hard this is for me. My mom's birthday was yesterday, exactly nine weeks since she passed. I just want to feel better, and I don't know if I ever will. Actually, some days I DON'T want to feel better, because how can I ever feel better without her here? I know she is in a better place, I do truly believe that, but I miss her so much. She was really the only person who understood me, and who I could talk to about anything, or nothing, as the mood took us. We finished each others sentences, and said things at the exact same time...our bond was so strong, and I feel so completely alone.

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I understand where you are right now. My mother passed away May 14th after a reasonably short illness. Although she was ill we really weren't prepared to lose her so quickly. I've felt lost and alone even though my sister is sharing so much of this with me. It's been difficult to explain to others about our relationship and how my 4 kids ages 17-24 are handling all of this. The phone calls that we all shared and the cards that we sent because of the distance between us all. I can't drive home from work without crying now because I always called her then just to chat or update her on our lives. It's getting better but it's still a daily struggle. I cry over some of the silliest things and I stopped apologizing for it. You're right to feel lost and alone. I feel lost and alone. We lost a person so dear to us and getting over it isn't going to happen just because someone says it should according to their timeline, if ever. I talk to my mom and I know she's still listening to me. I feel her with me and I know that she's always going to be there for me. Her words still come to me when I need them. I remember all those little things that she taught me and my kids tell me more things everyday that they remember. You're not alone, she's still there and I know that it's hard but it does get slowly easier. Please think of her and know that she will help you get through this. I truly believe that they will always be there for us.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2011 at 11:54PM
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Cuppacoffee711 and windreader, my sincere condolences on the loss of your mothers. I can relate to your feelings and reactions. I lost my husband of 32 years in November, 2010. He was my best friend, lover, partner activities at home and at play in so many ways. His death by accidental drowning was totally unexpected. I was in a total fog for a long time; now it's only sometimes. A friend who lost her husband over 20 years ago told me that I should not let anyone else tell me when I should stop grieving, that missing a loved one is something that continues even though we get on with our lives. I know it's the healthy thing to do but it certainly doesn't stop just because x amount of time has passed. Certain things and thoughts trigger sadness and tears but I've found that at times when I'm in tears, those memories turn to smiles or sometimes laughter when remembering our times together. It goes both directions. Be gentle with yourselves, keep going as best as you can and be forgiving of yourself for not being fully up. Ignore those who tell you you should feel a certain way. It's a new life without your loved around in day to day life but she/he is in your hearts and with you always.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2011 at 11:44AM
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Thank you both for your replies...I don't even know what prompted me to write, except that I feel so awful all of the time, and just needed to get it out. I can't let myself think of her too much, because I would just never stop crying. We just did everything together, and now I do everything alone. It is hard to be alone so much, all of the time. No one here really understands how I feel like I am just going to explode sometimes...they are sad too, but not devastated like I am. I don't want to talk to any counselors because I know all I would do is cry, and I don't think I would stop crying. I hate to wish my life away, but I wish it was five years from now. Although, even then I don't know if I will be ok. I just wish I could go back ten years, and live it again. Even though she was sick, we had the best time together. I love and miss her more than I can express.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2011 at 6:50PM
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omg cuppacoffee I didn't think I would find someone who knew EXACTLY how I feel....my mom is dying - she has a week to live and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Like you, she and I were more than mother daughter - she was my best friend, confidant, shopping partner and rock. I too called her on the way to work and on the way home. My mom can't talk anymore. This horrible disease robbed her of being able to communicate so I struggle to figure out if she in in pain or if she is scared or had words left unsaid. My grief at the thought of losing her is almost insurmountable. I cry all the time and have lost the joy of life. I have no children, no husband.....I'm 54 and she has been my everything when times are good and not so good. I fear I will lose who I am and be paralyzed with grief. I too am surrounded by all things that remind me of her. Unlike yourself, I also have my dad - her soul mate for over 65 years who has alzheimers and although he can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, he remembers his life with my mom and when he has a clear moment and sees how ill she is cries and asks her not to leave him....I'm devastated and I understand your grief and how much you miss your mom....Because I'm going through this, I can only say how sorry I am that you are in this with me because it SUCKS.....

    Bookmark   September 2, 2011 at 11:10PM
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Hi Cinful...I know exactly what you mean...when the doctors told her 3-6 months left, I thought I would never stop crying, and I didn't want our last moments together to be miserable. I know we said everything we wanted and needed to say to each other, but in the end, I still worry that there may have been something else left unsaid, something I forgot to ask her, or something from the past that we just wanted to remember. We only got about 2 months together at the end, and even when it finally happened it seemed like it just couldn't be happening already. I am sorry that you are alone, I do have children and a husband, but we all lived together, and they really do not understand what I am going through. I feel like I am alone, except that I can't just break down all the time, I have to be strong...it feels like it is killing me to do that though. I really just want to crawl into bed and stay there. The one thing that keeps me going is that my mom asked me to. She told me to be strong for HER, and to be happy for HER. I am not happy, but I am being as strong as I can be. That means not thinking of her too often, or all I would do is cry. But I know she knows that. She bought me a journal at the end, and I didn't think it would help, but it has. I write to her as much as I can, everyday in the beginning, and I tell her the things I would have told her if she were here. It does help. My mom was my everything too...even though I have other family, and children, she was it. Every moment of the day we were together...have been for 42 years. She has sent me signs since she's been gone, I know a lot of people don't believe in that, and think it is wishful thinking, but it's not. Keep an open mind after everything is over, don't shut yourself down. Stay with your mom till the end, try not to feel guilty...I know that even though my mom and I talked about everything, I still felt guilty when she passed, like maybe there was more I could have done. I am trying to get past that. I feel so bad for you, and your dad...maybe try to be strong for him, as I have to for my baby...it helps to be there for someone else, when all you want to do is go with your mom. I know at least for me that is true. When she first got sick, I thought I would go with her in the end, but I cannot go right now. My family needs me, my baby needs me. I think that is why he happened so late in my life...he was my lifeline from God...Take care, please let me know how you are doing, and I will do the same.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2011 at 2:13PM
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My Mom also passed away this summer. June 28, 2011. Her birthday was August 31st. I don't sleep, I want to call her all the time to chat, I don't understand how I am supposed to go on living without her. There is such a deep ache and no one gets it that my life is changed forever...no one really gets it unless you have been through it.
Losing a husband, well, sad but you only get one mother, you can get another husband. how morbid that sounds.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2011 at 11:20PM
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My mom's birthday was also August 31...it was such a hard day to get through...you are right, no one does understand unless they have been through it, and were close to their mom. They are sad for you of course, but the depth of our emotion is almost unreachable. My mom and I were inseparable, and now I am alone all the time. It is hard to get used to the silence. I look around too and think, "how can I do this without you?" especially when she was so young, and so healthy except for the cancer. She was only 68, but I do know that she wants me to be strong for her. Not a whole lot of comfort, but some I guess. Everyone says it will get easier with time, and I suppose they are right, so I guess we just have to get through one day at a time until we get to a time when we can at least function without thinking of her every minute of every day. Please try to stay strong, she would want that.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2011 at 9:25AM
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Posted by Elwood2008 (My Page) on Tue, Sep 6, 11:

"My Mom also passed away this summer. June 28, 2011. Her birthday was August 31st. I don't sleep, I want to call her all the time to chat, I don't understand how I am supposed to go on living without her. There is such a deep ache and no one gets it that my life is changed forever...no one really gets it unless you have been through it.
Losing a husband, well, sad but you only get one mother, you can get another husband. how morbid that sounds."

IMHO, much of what Elwood2009 says reflects how many of us feel with the loss of a loved one, not only the loss of a mother. However, to write off another's loss of a husband in the cavalier fashion stated in the last sentence strikes me as lacking in compassion and self-centered.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2011 at 4:38PM
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Yeah well sorry for offending you gininmn but you know its true, if your husband dies, you can get another one, if your kid dies, you might be able to have more kids, or even have existing other kids, but when its your mother, there is no other one...and yes, I am cavalier, lack compassion and self centered at this particular moment in my life and i'm ok with that right now b/c when your spouse and your kids are lousy at times, your mother is always there for you and NOW she is not and it really starts to overwhelm you and it changes who you are and just getting through the days is a monumental effort and yes, I need counseling and medication...but i'm a grown woman, missing her mom, best friend, biggest cheerleader, moral compass, and forgive me for being so rude!!

    Bookmark   October 4, 2011 at 12:53PM
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I am truly sorry about your breavement, however, being rude and insulting about other peoples grief is no way to honor your Mother. Make her proud of you.

    Bookmark   October 4, 2011 at 6:07PM
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You are right mav63 2007...I shouldn't be rude. Anger is another stage in grief I'm going through. Her death was senseless and it makes me want to lash out.

Anyone who has lost their mom...it is just harder than anything I've ever been through...I've even lost my father but it didn't hurt like this.

cupacoffee, you are in my thoughts today.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 9:57AM
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I still have both of my parents, as old and sick as they are. I expect any day for them to die. I take care of them so I see them on a daily basis. I expect it and will take it in stride. They have lived long lives and are at the end of the time they were given on this Earth.
But your saying if you lose a husband you can get another one, or if you lose a child you can have another one or have more. Your mother is probably spinning in her grave for you writing this. My son accidently choked to death on July 18, 2011. He was my only child, my friend, my breath that I breathed. He was 30 years old and I do not have any other children and do not want another child. He was the best child a parent could ever want.
I understand that anger is part of the grieving process, but to lash out at people who have lost loved ones, just because you lost your mother is uncalled for.
I was very angry after my son died. I did not lash out at anyone but God for taking him from me. Being unkind to anyone is not the way to go about your grief process.
If you were to run across the wrong person and say something like that you might just end up with your mom, dead. Is that what you are trying to do? Get yourself killed for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person?
I am still angry that I cannot call my son, text my son, take him to work and pick him up. I miss my son terribly. We were extremely close because he had health problems from the time he was born. I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and I have a huge gaping hole in me.
I know that I will miss my parents when they die, but I will never miss them the way I miss my son. He never got a chance to live out his dreams, he didn't get to do the things he was planning on doing just two weeks after his death, my parents have lived their lives and are ready for what lies ahead. They got old, my son did not.
You ought to think twice before lashing out and saying ugly things about others' loss. We are all grieving here, and you are not any more special than anyone else. I will say a special prayer for you that you can stop being ugly to those who don't deserve it and find peace within yourself to be the person your mother would have wanted you to be.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2011 at 2:04PM
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Everyone, please realize how much we all hurt...it seems to me we should all support each other, however we can. Elwood, sometimes people do love their spouses as much as we love our moms and never get another one. But I do understand your feelings, really I do. I write to my mom in a journal, and I have been talking to her out loud lately. I dream of her all the time, as much as I do not want to. I dream of her eating again, which she could not do at the end. I dream of getting her treatment that she didn't get at the end. I hope it all goes away someday, and I can just remember her and be glad she was in my life. Right now I cannot do that. I hope you are healing...I am staying strong for my children because I HAVE to do that. My mom wanted me to do that. I don't know what you can do that will help you heal, because we all need different things, but I am praying for you because I believe that helps. I think my mom was here the other day...my son was waving to someone in the room where she passed away...that gives me comfort. My son is only 22 months old. Everyone, please take care, and help everyone if we can. I think all of our loved ones would want that.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2011 at 7:18PM
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