It's been three months...

overtherainbow23September 20, 2006

Hi all, my name is Patrick and I'm a 19 year old college student. This past summer after a 9 month struggle with cancer my mom passed away. My mom was beyond dear to me, she was my other half, and this isn't a typical loss.

My situation is awful right now. Both of my siblings have long since moved out, so I live with my dad in this enormous house. I get along with my dad, but our relationship isn't very deep. I love him, but I can't help myself for being upset that my best friend, who I could tell anything to, isn't here any longer. My dad works 9-5 and teaches Monday & Wednesday after work, so he gets home at about 7:30 on those nights. Right now he's out of town (France) on business. It's bad enough having two people in this house when we started with four, but to make matters wores, we barely see eachother. I miss my mom dearly. I try to contact her in anyway I can through prayer or just talking. She was the life of the house, the light of my world, and my other half. Losing her is and will likely be the hardest loss I'll ever have to deal with.

But while my feelings on her are quite common, the true struggle is the impact on my life this has had. Everywhere I look I see things that remind me of my mom. It pains me to live in this house. This house was once so beautiful and radiant, with a full family of four. Now it's dead to me, everything is a broken dream. I used to work out 3-4 times a week and since she passed I've lacked the ambition to go even once. I've gained about 10 pounds and feel groggy and tired all the time. I am doing well in school but that's about it.

How do I get my life back on track?

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I think that you are a brave young man. It may not seem like it, but you DO have your life on track, because you are working through this at your own pace. Please try to talk to your Dad, let him know that you are hurting and lonely. He will understand this because he is too. See if you and your siblings and your Dad can choose one day a month that you all have a meal together. It is my belief that our loved ones never leave us--your Mother is with you and proud of you, and wants you to thrive and do well--I'm sure of it. I am a mother of sons so I KNOW that's what I would want. Your life IS on track, it's just a little wobbly right now, you know? If you don't feel like doing your regular workout, can you grab a friend and just take a walk? It may clear your head a bit, and I'm sure your friends would like to spend some time with you when you are hurting. You don't have to talk about your Mom if you don't want to, just walk...

    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 10:14PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my precious mother too, one year ago. The pain that you feel is a reflection of the love that you shared. She would not want you hurting, so please try to remember that. You're just going to have to give yourself time. I don't think it really gets easier, but the crying spells will space themselves apart a little more as time goes on and you will go on, you will keep living and breathing, talking and eating. Just try to remember that the special relationship that you shared lives on in your heart, and nothing can take that away from you. Keep her near you with photos and some of her special things and honor her with your life. That is all I know to do. I don't think one ever gets over the loss of a precious mother, but you will be able to function and find happiness again. It has only been three months. Just let those around you help you. Even if their attempts are clumbsy and inadequate. Their efforts can be meaningful if you let them. Hang in there.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2006 at 6:06PM
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Hi Patrick, I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my brother about 3 months ago. He died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack at 48 years old. It has been the worse experience my family has ever gone through. I think I have cried every day since his passing.

I have found that talking & crying to my friends has helped a lot. I have been in touch with several of his friends & just hearing about how much he was loved by them really has helped too. I love hearing all the fun times they shared with him. It makes me feel close to him. Maybe you can get in touch with some of your mom's friends that would be willing to share their good times with you. Yes, the tears will come as you listen to the stories, but they will make you feel closer to your mom. I have also found that being able to visit my brother at his gravesite brings some comfort. There are days when I just cry & tell him how much I miss him & other days are tears...I tell him of things that have been happening. Maybe you can "visit" with her as well.

I know how the pain can be unbearable at times & it is un-imaginable thinking about life without our loved ones. I am hoping that time will heal the pain.

Going through all the emotional episodes does take it's toll on your mind & body. Try to keep busy, keep in touch with your friends. Most importantly, make sure you get some rest. I was the opposite & shed a few un-necessary pounds. Since my brother died of a heart attack, it has made me more aware about trying to have healthy eating habits.

Are your siblings going through the same grieving process as you? I know people grieve differently, maybe trying to talk with them will help too.

I wish you the best through this hard journey we all have to face at some point. Please keep in touch.


    Bookmark   September 21, 2006 at 10:38PM
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