Recent death of my husband

Laura2336September 25, 2011

I lost my husband on August 6, 2011. We would have celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary on October 16, 2011. I am trying to cope the best I can, but the pain is always there. I have wonderful friends and family to support me, I've been seeing a therapist, and I'm attending a bereavement support group. I journal a lot too. The hardest things for me are being alone, being in crowds, and sleeping. I can't believe that he will never walk in the door again, never climb in bed with me, never see our grandchildren grow up, never, never, never get to do all the things we dreamed about when we retired. He was only 58 and I'm 56. It bothers me that I don't want to spend time with my grandkids very much. Seeing them for an hour or two is okay, but every time I begin to feel joyful, I think I shut down. God will this ever feel better.

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I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dear husband of 37 years, it will be 5 years in November. Yes, you will feel better but it won't be soon, it will take time. When we have loved someone for so much of our lives as we did the grief of losing him won't go away overnight. Your feelings are absolutely normal. I know exactly how you feel, we had plans for a retirement and spending time with our grandchildren and it isn't fair that it was taken away from us. Your feeling of joy with your grandchildren will come back a little at a time. Right now you don't think you will ever be happy again but you will, you will have happy memories of the life you shared. It isn't easy to go on without him but he has left you in charge of your family and they need you. God bless you and your family.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2011 at 11:09PM
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I lost my dear hubby in 1985. Sept. 13 & this is the 1st year "I forgot" the day. It's been a long haul as we had a great marriage & he was only 48, I was 42 with our 2 teens to raise. Every year we were married was better than year before, we didn't argue like most people so we were very close. It does get better but it is not all uphill, you go through bad days & not quite so bad days. If you want to crawl under the covers it's OK for 1 day but don't let that get to be a habit. Holidays will be hard this year but do something different with grandkids, go to movie with them or make cookies,make popcorn & play checkers, something you haven't done before, will be less painful for you. I didn't go to a support group as I was afraid it might end up being a "pity party" ( me telling everyone about my pain or everyone telling me-I couldn't deal with that) I had so many things go wrong that when something good happened that was when I cried. I forgot how to spell 4-5 letter words like when, where ,there etc. Can't look up in dictionary as brain couldn't figure out whhhh or thhh sound. Felt so stupid, washing machine would be going & I would see what I was washing & it would be just water, hadn't added clothes. I locked myself out of car a number of times(finally got smart & put an extra set of car keys in my wallet.- ran out of gas & had to walk 2 blocks & ask attendant if I could borrow gas can $10 deposit-DD was dying of embarrassment & got on floor in backseat-15 yr olds don't deal well with running out of gas) solution-fill up when you see you have 1/4 tank of gas left. Lock yourself out of house or in garage & can't get back in house(great when you are in your nightgown), hid a key in a very secure place so you don't have to call a locksmith. My hubby wanted me to go on & remarry, I told him I didn't think I would, so we had talked about it. I never wanted to be with anyone else. I've got medical problem, can't handle AC get headaches & if weather changes or fire in hills, I'm down sick for 2-3 days. But for most people I think it is good to find someone to live out rest of your life with. Think about how your hubby would feel if he could see you -would he want you sad & falling apart? or would he tell you to take it day at a time & start looking for happiness. Take a class in Tole painting or gardening or something you are interested in, or volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital gift shop or something. Makes you realize you are better off than so many others. Hope some of these ideas can help you out! Don't stop mentioning your hubby, he was part of your life for a long time! I only got 22 yrs with my love! But he filled me up(I was a lonely kid) & I'm not lonely now! I do look at older couple holding hands & wish for a second it was me. But I'm happy I have grandkids & DD nearby & parents & DS calls & visits yearly. So many have lost jobs & wonder where next meal is coming from. Count your blessings & I'm sure you will find they are many. Hugs& prayers that you find peace & comfort in the days ahead.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2011 at 2:33AM
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Dear Laura-Hi! I lost my husband of 41 years August 23,2011. I'm also so lost without him, I don't know how I'm going to cope. The nites are positively the worst. I live on a farm and we were currently restoring it. My husband had cancer and he suffered so much with it. Things that used to excite me don't now. I had previously baked for a local organization and I'm doing that. I used to cook big meals and now I do make a meal for my daughter and husband once a week. I used to hear widows talk about hating to cook for themselves and I really never realized what it meant until it happened to me. I started a grieving class last Thursday nite and it was my first nite. The lady sitting next to me has the same first names as my parents and also her husband died on the same day as my husband. I thought there might be some intervention going on. What do you think? Alanna

    Bookmark   September 26, 2011 at 8:18PM
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Dear Alanna-I am so sorry for your loss and relate to all you posted. I'm back in my church choir which has been healing for me, going to a bereavement support group is helpful, and I have a huge support system of family and friends. The bottom line for me is that no matter who I talk to about what is going on, I am still the one that has to go through the experience. I get envious when people in my support group talk about having dreams about their spouse. I'm still in so much pain, that I may not be able to realize when my spouse is trying to get through to me. We have a business that I'm still trying to run. I'm angry a lot because I have so much to do and feel like I have to work so hard at taking time to grieve and take care of myself. I'm sorry to sound so negative, but I have to go see my attorney this afternoon and I'm anxious about it. My uncle is going with me so I don't feel so alone. As for you and intervention, I don't believe in coincidences. Your husband obviously is letting you know he's around, in my opinion. I was told that our loved ones will do whatever they need to get through to us. I'm open to that and at times feel his spirit and presence. Off to work. Later, Laura

    Bookmark   October 4, 2011 at 9:52AM
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Dear Laura, I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband of 40 years just 6 weeks ago. I am feeling the same as you and I can't believe he will never come home. It seems very surreal at this point. It is just so hard. I am doing better then I expected. I thought I would just fall apart, maybe that comes a little later. I am just now getting over the numbness.

I did get a little dog and it has helped, he's a whole lot of work but it's keeping me busy. I am still so sad most the time, I cry everyday. You are welcome to email me and we can talk.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2011 at 9:03PM
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