Anyone out there?

monkeyfaceSeptember 28, 2009

I joined this forum because I am looking to connect with people who can relate to my situation. I lost my mom to cancer in February, I lost my dad in a car accident almost twenty years ago when I was ten. My mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and died three and a half weeks later. We cared for her at home and she died in my arms. I went to a support group and appreciated the space to openly grieve without frieking people out but as I looked around the room I realized how young I am to be in this situation. I'm about to turn thirty and I don't have parents. In my deepest moments of self pity I realize that I am an orphan. I have a lot of supportive, loving friends that I am so thankful for but I don't know anyone who can really relate to what I'm going through. My sister and my brother are grieving in a very different way and I know I won't find other people that have the same exact situation as me but I just thought I'd put it out there. I've posted once before but didn't really write what I was thinking. I can't seem to articulate it all very well. There is just a lot of sadness and I continue to search for things that will help. Thanks for "listening".

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Ninapearl

i'm so sorry for your loss. you are going through the first year of grieving when each "anniversary" will be a first for you. it's tough, some days are so much worse than others.

it will soon be 2 years since i lost my husband to cancer after a 21 month battle. he, too, died at home and in my arms. i lost my dad 15 years ago, my mother is still with me although she suffers from dementia and lives quite a distance from me.

so, i can't really relate to the loss of your parents but i can certainly relate to your grief. something i was told that has stuck with me is that i cannot go around grief, i have to go through it. i'm still a work in progress.

i wish i could tell you it gets better with more time but we each have to fight our own demons. i can tell you that it's a little better than it was 6 months ago but i do not think i will ever stop grieving.

God bless.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2009 at 6:22PM
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socal2010

Hi - I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 10 years ago and my Mom just 2 months ago from lung cancer. I coped better with my Dad's death because I had my Mom to lean on. Now I have no one so it's harder.

I always try to find things that will help also but nothing seems to work. It's a roller coaster of emotions. The worst is when I feel that everything in life and the future is pointless now that she's not here. I hate feeling that way but I can't help it.

I wish I had some advice for you but I'm in the same situation and I don't have answers. I hope we both somehow find a way for our Mom's love to help heal us.

(((hugs)))

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 12:43AM
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monkeyface

Socal,

I never thought about it but I did have my mom to grieve with when I was sad about my dad. It is definitely an emotional roller coaster of emotions. Thank you for responding to my post. It is actually nice not to get advice but just know there is someone out there in a similar situation. I don't know why but it helps more than anything has in a while.

I know that my mom would want me to survive this and be happy and I'm sure your mom would want the same for you. Maybe you can think of that when things seem pointless.

((((((((hugs)))))))) to you too.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 1:21AM
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monkeyface

I have a picture of my mom as my wallpaper on the desktop of my computer. It is one of us together when she was sick. She is smiling and happy, we look so happy together. I miss her so much. I think sometimes that I should take the picture down because it makes me so sad to look at especially right before I go to bed but I don't want to stop looking. What do I do? I just want to see her smiling face again. Am I torturing myself by not changing the wallpaper, I don't know what to do.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2009 at 4:05AM
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daysmitty

I lost my mom last month. I am grieving...
but hardest to get over is the guilt of times when I was mean?

But maybe keep you photo underneath your pillow so you can chose to look at it when you need a glance.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2009 at 6:18PM
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lulie___wayne

I'm very sorry for your losses.
I lost my mom five years ago to Alzheimer's and my dad on August 6, 2009 with lung cancer. I find that I'm grieving more for my dad for a couple of reasons even though I was very close to both of them. I still had his love and support after Mom left and also because I think I grieved slowly over a long period of time when Mom was sick.
The only solace that I have is that I know that as much as they loved me, they wouldn't want me to live my life sad every day. We have to try to remember the good times, let go of guilt if we have any, and try to live the rest of our lives the best we can until the day that we see them again. Our parents gave us life and want us to live it fully and happily just as we would want for our children.
We have to go on for them and for us.
Lu

    Bookmark   October 31, 2009 at 9:55AM
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posieh

Monkeyface:
I'd like to add: One of my favorite sayings from Edgar Cayce:
"Do not let these things which you do not understand worry you. SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE you too will understand." And also Proberbs 25: 2, 3 "It is God's privilege to conceal things. YOU cannot understand the height of heaven, the size of the earth, or all that goes on in the King's mind. I hesitate throwing Bible verses out there, as most grieving people have had them thrown at them from all directions. But, until I read these two quotes I was having a horrible time dealing with the loss of my Mother and Dad both. And the guilt feelings haunted me for years and I'm still dealing with that. Another quote is: I woulda, I coulda, I shoulda, next time around I will (I hope). I also lost 6 close relatives in one year, two of them brothers and one sister. Wow ! Enough I said ! I've come to the conclusion that you never totally recover and I've had to accept that, I don't like it and would change it if I could. The sun is still shining and SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE I hope to understand. In the mean time I will cry when I need to, Scream and kick the dirt ! Some days it's better, some days it is worse. But I know I can handle it most of the time. My kids and Grandkids help fill the void but not their place!

    Bookmark   November 2, 2009 at 12:58AM
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puzzlefan

For anyone needing to reach out, check with your local hospice. Ours has an active grief support group and meetings are geared by age group. For those who have lost family and friends, always count and savor the days they were here, not hte days they have been gone.

    Bookmark   November 4, 2009 at 9:33PM
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