My life is so messed up now

nikkiandjacksmomSeptember 19, 2006

My dad dies in Nov 2005 suddenly from a stroke. My mom, sister and I werent there when he passed. That was very hard to deal with and I guess it always will be. Now it is 10 months later and my mom is moving in with me and my husband and 2 children. She is 64 but is more childlike in the sense that I feel I need to take care of her. She is acting very lost and no energy. I love her and really dont mind her living with us, but I cant tolerate the helplessness. Please dont think I am heartless because I really had to make alot of different living spaces in my small home. My sister is of no help. All she offers is excuses. She was always closer to my mom and I was always my dads shadow. Its funny how I am the one who is bending over backwards to help her now. I hope that my mom living with me doesnt make her more dependant on me. I have to children who are very active in sports and school activities. That alone takes alot out of me. Sorry for babbling on but this is so hard. All my dads stuff is here now. I got rid of all my appliances to keep my parents things. My mom cant sell them. I feel like my head is gonna pop from the pressure. My dad had a dog and now the dog is at my house also, the only problem with that is I have a very large dog that does not play well with other dogs. So this only adds to the pressure. My cat attacked my dads dog last nite. My sister is the one who saved the dog from a shelter then didnt want him so my dad took him, And my mom is not a dog person so that leaves me to take care of him. I promised my dad that I would take care of mom and buddy (his dog) when he was in the coma before he was taken off the respirator. I dont know if he heard me but I will not break my promise. Can you all please send prayers my way.

Also if anyone had to go through anything like this can you please write back to me.


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It's easy to see you are really overwhelmed. What an angel you are to take your Mom in.

You know, most 64-year-olds are still chuggin' along pretty good, so I would encourage you to let your mom take care of herself as much as possible. Also think of things she can do to help you around the house or with the kids. It will make her feel more like a contributing member of the family, and it will help you too. She may be depressed after the loss of her husband.

It sounds like the animals are really bugging you, and I can sure understand that! If their care is too much, definitely recruit the kids to help with all parts of their care. I suspect you are a person who tries to do everything and rarely asks for help, which makes things hard for you.

I'm sorry you lost your dad. Mine died about 10 years ago. You are still feeling the heartbreak of his passing, and surely your Mom is also. Maybe being welcomed into your family as a participating member will help her.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2006 at 8:12PM
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I know you are trying to be kind, but I think that it is important for your Mom and your sister to participate in your new family dynamics. I think it is important for your Mom to feel needed. If she is able, maybe she can take your Dad's dog to obedience training classes so that she is getting out some, and the dog is socialized to other dogs. If the situation doesn't improve with the dog, or if your mom is unwilling/unable to help take care of it, ask your sister to at least take the dog on weekends to give you respite from the stress of the animals. I suspect that the animals WILLL eventually get along. Try to take care of your marriage!!! Try to go out with your husband once a week, even if it's just for a walk. I've seen marriages get strained in these situations. It would do your mom good to spend time with your kids while you're gone. She may perk up a bit when she sees how much you need her to help you. We women sometimes try to be heros sometimes, but it is very important for you to not "baby" those around you and ask for help--you'll feel better and they will too! Remember, your mom may be acting helpless because you treat her like she is!! Give her some jobs so she feels needed!!

    Bookmark   September 19, 2006 at 8:16PM
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You've received good advice from the other posters. I'm 63, and I'm wondering why your mom is moving in with you. My son and his fiancee just moved in with me to save some money while they're going to school. I love having them here, but I can't imagine myself moving into his house, or my daughter's house, until I'm much older. At least I hope it happens that way. I realize your mother's circumstances may prevent her from living alone.

I was to reiterate what the others said about helplessness breeding helplessness. I felt overwhelmed many times during my husband's illness and after his death, but everything I learned, everything I had to do on my own, was empowering and left me feeling stronger. I certainly asked for help when necessary, but if I'd become dependent on others I would probably have experienced a downward spiral of more dependence and more feelings of helplessness.

It's the same with children, teenagers, and people of all agesÂthe less we have to do, the less we want to do...even though that doesn't promote feelings of well-being the way self-sufficiency does.

Best of luck. Keep us posted!


    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 5:33PM
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Thankyou for your posts. I forgot to mention that my mom and dad had no life insurance, and were living on a fixed income. Financially my mom cannot afford to live alone. I guess it wasnt a topic they discussed about what they would do if one had passed on. So thats where I came in and wanted to lift the financial burden on my mom.
I am so confused about the stroke my dad had that took him so quickly. I have been reading up on hemmoragic strokes and people do rehabilitate after these types. But the dr told us there was no hope. I wonder if we made the right choice to unplug the respirator. How can I live my life fully without wondering if there was hope.
I really do not baby my mom I guess I am just very compassionate to other peoples needs. My mom depended on my dad for everything. He cooked, cleaned did the finances. She really didnt have it hard because he was braught up that was by my gram. He use to cook with his mom in the kitchen. And oh boy My dad could cook yum. I am now the one making the dinners he use to prepare because I watched him cook.
I hope I am not enabling her by letting her move in. That wasnt my intention. I am the last person to tolerate helplessness. I tell my kids to be there best and the words "I CANT" arent allowed to be used in our home. I will keep you updates. Thankyou so much for your words. God Bless

    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 6:16PM
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I lost my Dad nearly 30 years ago when I was 19 and newly married. It was devastating. My mom was similar to yours and had to be sedated to attend the funeral. We had to plan it all, etc. She moved in with us for a while, but was still working and eventually we got her to get her own apartment after being stranded on the farm for five days during a blizzard with no power or water.

Could your Mom apply for Social Security survivor's benefits? And possibly apply for subsidized Senior Housing? That's what my mom eventually did. She only made $375 a month and they took about $125 for rent and utilities.

Consider one thing, you promised your dad you would take care of the dog. Sometimes the best way to take care of pets is to let them be adopted into a home that can best take care of their needs.

I had a similar situation with Mom. She was in the nursing home dying from cancer and asked me to care for her little dog. Mom had been living with her boyfriend who I think was her one true love in life. Anyway, we had Peanuts for two weeks and the poor little thing wouldn't eat or sleep. She was miserable. Grieving the loss of "her" mom even though we brought her to visit at the nursing home. When the boyfriend was able to drive the 2 hours to come down to visit, the dog just about turned herself inside out with joy. I told him to take her home where she belonged, she knew what she wanted. Les was worried that Mom would be mad or worried, but we talked it over and she agreed that Peanuts had to go back home. Mom passed away a week or so later. Peanuts lived another 10 years, very happily.

I am sorry for the shock of losing your darling Dad. It is such a painful time. So hard for your Mom since she was so dependent on him.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2006 at 11:33AM
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