It's Sunday...Normally Daddy Day...but he is not here!

kayla9170September 2, 2007

Hello everyone. Wow, today is Sunday. It is beautiful outside the house. Not to hot nor cold. A perfect day to get either on my motorcycle or in my car to see my Daddy. Plus, it is the holiday weekend and I would have to ask Daddy what did he plan to do for Labor Day. At very least, he could stop over of BBQ at my house.

Well those thoughts will never happen. My Daddy passed on August 15, 2007. It seems that every since that day, my life is in a frozen state. A state of depression, denial and loss. Nightly, I have been drinking everyday since his death. I told myself that I would never become a alcohlic, watching what many years of drinking did to my Daddy. I guess, I lied.

Speaking of my new found hobby...the bar...I only feel numb to all feelings of the loss when I am drinking. This is a person that would drink a glass of wine once maybe every three months, to now drinking beer and wine nightly, since August 15th. Guess, I want to die too. In a way, I do and another way, I can't. My kids need me, at least for the next two years. They are both graduating in the next two years and after then, who cares about what happens to me.

My Daddy was my life. I loved him ONLY equal to the amount of love for my children. More than my husband, my late Mother and any other family. For him to be gone and not to be able to spend my famous "Sunday's" with him is unbearable. I so want him back but I know, this will never happen in my lifetime. This sucks and it makes me not want to be around without him.

Oh the mix of emotions. Two years ago I loss my mother. I loved my mother alot but I was and is a Daddy's girl at heart. I loss my mother to Cancer and my Daddy to the same darn disease. In two days, he was gone. In eight months, my mother was gone. In two short years of my mother's passing, I am a true oprhan at 37.

When I say two days with my Daddy....I took him to Radiation and Chemo on August 13th to have him gone two days later. For five weeks of treatment, he had ups and down but NEVER crossed my mind he would not beat his throat cancer until 1:30 am the morning of August 15th, when I HAD to tell him it was OK to go. I did not mean it I just knew the suffering was too much for him to bear.....but I did not mean it.

My Daddy died of Sephis (excuse spelling) a massive infection in the blood. The Chemo had taken all of his white blood cells to fight a inflection of the body. I kept making the doctor's put a new IV, drug, breathing machine, dyhasis, experiemental name it, I made them do it. I the end, my Daddy did not have the strength to live and the means to fight in his body. I know I have to accept that, I just do not want too.

I told him to go to Chemo and Radiation. I feel like I made him die. If he was not treated, the stage 3 cancer would have killed him anyway. There was no way to win. He tried, hard. My mother, from the time the doctors told her it was Stage 4 breast cancer, she refused all treatment and made a choice to not fight the cancer. I admired her for that but I did not want my Daddy not to fight with EVERYTHING he had. He did, but we failed.

So with the wide mix of emotions, it Sunday and I am alone. Thanks for reading and listening.

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Kayla, I know EXACTLY what you are going through! I just went through losing my husband to pancreatic cancer in April of this year. I miss him SO MUCH, but have to keep my head up and moving forward, because of our son. Try to be strong for your children. The best way to get through a personal crisis is to do something for someone who needs you - in your case, your husband and kids.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2007 at 10:37PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. You are way too young to be an orphan. I know the first few weeks are the hardest, and I know how much it hurts and how much better it is to numb your pain with alcohol but it sounds like you are drinking too much. Please stop.

You didn't make him die. It was the cancer and the treatment. He was a grown man, and would have taken the treatment no matter what you said.


    Bookmark   September 3, 2007 at 4:06AM
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Kayla, please think about what your Daddy would want for you, and try to live your life in that way. I suspect he would want you to give up the bar.

After I lost my daughter I felt a strong urge to drink. I'd never felt that way before. Fortunately, I remembered the story of an aunt of mine who lost her daughter at around the same age. My aunt took up drinking, and ended up drinking herself to death. I knew my Jill would not want that for me, nor would my other children. So I resisted the urge, and eventually it passed.

You're going through the worst of the grief right now. I encourage you to look for signs from your father. You may be surprised at what you find.


    Bookmark   September 3, 2007 at 10:15AM
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Feel feelings, instead of drinking to numb them. Don't let the deaths of your parents go unworthy. Worthiness would be your growth to get beyond the feelings. The feelings don't last forever; they will be felt and done with.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2007 at 8:42PM
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What do you mean that in 2 years your kids will graduate and after that, who cares what happens to you? THEY will! Just like you care what happened to your father. Get some help, stop drinking, and count your blessings that your children are. Live for them--they deserve it and will always need you.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2007 at 9:15PM
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