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blsdgalSeptember 12, 2004

My beautiful 32 yr old niece was killed five weeks ago yesterday. She was also my foster daughter, for a time during high school. She has four children. Two were with her in the car. The baby was cut out of his infant seat without a scratch. The five year old just got out of ICU and was transferred to a rehab unit. Major head injuries. But, he wasn't even supposed to be alive. So, we really did have a miracle. Long road for him. Thank God the other two ( nine and thirteen)were not with her. So hard. Why do young mommies have to die. She has a wonderful husband who loves these kids, but has lost the love of his life.

I have been fine honestly, because I have been so busy with the kids and spending a lot of time at the hospital. Suddenly, it's hit me. I feel so sad. I'm 46 yrs old and I've never felt so sad in my life.


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Nell Jean

There are no pat answers to 'Why?' Bad things just happen.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the children's loss and her husband's loss. Life takes some disturbing turns.
We're so sorry that you have reason to be here, but we're pleased you've joined our group.

The more articulate members of our group will reply to you soon.


    Bookmark   September 12, 2004 at 3:26PM
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Nell is about as articulate as you can get anywhere, but no one has an answer to that kind of why question. I've learned that "why?" is about as useless as "what if?" If you believe in an afterlife (and I do), it helps to try to accept that in some other realm beyond our understanding, your neice's death had a purpose. It helps even more if you can believe that the most important part of her lives on, albeit in another form.

I would encourage you to read up on the best ways to help her children. I know from reading about my own experience (losing my mother suddenly when I was nine) that having siblings helps, and being encouraged to talk about the lost parent helps. This includes how the accident happened, how much they loved her, how sad they feel, your own memories of her before they were born, etc. Everything.

I hope you will stick around here.


    Bookmark   September 12, 2004 at 11:25PM
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Hi Susan,
Sorry that you're having to be here, but we're glad to have you. I'm very sorry for the loss of your niece, but it sounds like you're doing a terrific job of helping with her children, a very positive plus to them. Grief has a way of getting at you, even if you try and postpone it. I tried to do just that, by being pregnant soon after the loss of my son 18 yrs. ago. When Erica was born healthy and normal, I was reliving my grief all over again, (I called it a delayed grief syndrome), and thank goodness I found a support group called Compassionate Friends. Talking isn't for everyone, but by you coming here, sharing your pain and sadness, maybe you can unburden your heart, and start healing. There are no set ways to grieve, no set time limits, just gotta go at your own pace. And don't ever worry about something being "Un-normal". Who's to judge what's normal and what isn't?! Just know that we're here for you....there are some really great people here. Hugs.
Emma in PA

    Bookmark   September 13, 2004 at 8:54AM
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Susan, I'm so sorry! So glad that you came here, though.
None of can ever understand why certain things so horrible can happen to wonderful people. In this life, we won't understand it and if we believe in an afterlife, then when we get there it just won't matter.
I'm glad that you are able to help with the children and I'm sure you'll be great comfort to them, and their dad. I can tell that you are a very loving person.
I'm glad that you are aware that you had put your grief on hold. You must feel it when the time is right for you because it definitely will eventually come out. It's kind of like a pressure cooker. It can only be suppressed for so long. Some people can go years and others not so long, but the grief eventually comes out in one form or another.
I wish I had words of comfort for you. All I can tell you is that if you are a Christian, hold on to your faith and remember that you will all be together again one day.
As others said, we are here for you.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2004 at 5:25PM
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Thank you for the kind welcome. It's hard to understand why these things happen. I'm trying to be positive with the thought that the five year old is alive when he really should not be. My niece was killed instantly and I like to think that she got to heaven and said to God..OK, you got me and I'm glad to be here, but can't we keep the little guy with the family for now...And God smiled and said, yes.

My mom also lost her mom when she was quite young. There was a book called "Motherless Daughters" that helped me understand a little of what she went through. I would love to read more...Can you make suggestions? All of the children are boys. Four beautiful sons from a beautiful woman. Thank you.

That's what I was going to name my last little one if he had been a girl! Thank you so much for your kind words. I am familiar with compassionate friends. A wonderful resource. I am so sorry for your loss. Talking does help, and I cann't talk to any of my family because right now I have to appear stong. That has always been my family role, and seems to continue to be. Thanks for the welcome.

What a beautiful daughter you have. Thank you for your kind words. I do beleive in an afterlife and I believe that Nikki is now with my dad in heaven. She was the only grandchild for the first seven years of her life and was secretly my dad's favorite. This gives me comfort. My niece was also an exceptionally beautiful girl. Her husband decided to keep the casket open for the family visitation and then close it to the public. The two older boys made their own decision about seeing their mom. The oldest decided not to but the nine year old wanted to see her. When I asked him a few days later how he felt about seeing his mom, he said he was glad he did. I asked him how it felt that she didn't look like herself. He looked at me with a small smile on his face and said with words that only a child could come up with ...She took her beauty with her.

Thank you all, I hope I can someday, be able to share comfort with others the way you have shared with me.


    Bookmark   September 15, 2004 at 11:08AM
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My heart goes out to you in the loss of such a wonderful young niece. I hope you will find comfort in helping with the children and keeping her memory alive for them. Hugs to you.


Take care & God Bless


    Bookmark   September 20, 2004 at 9:27PM
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Susan, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful niece. What a tragedy for this mother to be lost to these children. She would be happy to know you are active in their lives and will be there for them along the way. We lost my niece almost 3 years ago at the age of 22. She, too, was a young mommy of a 3 year old. The baby is now being raised by my sis in law and her DH, the baby's grandparents. It has been quite a road for them as they work to keep his mother's memory alive, yet deal with his questions and sadness about where his mommy has gone.

My heart goes out to these children and I am so sorry for your loss of your niece.

Please come here often and share with us how you are doing as well as the children.


    Bookmark   September 21, 2004 at 2:09AM
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Deb and Bernadine,

Thank you so much for your sweet words. Just checked in here this am while my littles are watching Sesame Street. Your words (and hugs!) made me smile.


    Bookmark   September 23, 2004 at 11:30AM
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susan ...i too am so sorry for the loss of your niece..i too have wondered about the why of leaving children without a mommy since my 22 year old daughter died and left behind a little made me smile at what her son said about seeing her...jamies little boy kole is always saying things that bring a tear to my eye but a smile on my face...i know you will be answering alot of questions from her boys so prepare yourself...deb who is my sis in law made me two beautiful tapes which show so much of the love she had for her son and brother and us....she put it to music and kole who is now six watched it with us and he cried but he loved it and he seemed so proud of what a great loving mom she was to him...since he was only 4 when she died...i am so glad that you decided to share with us what you are going thru and please know that there is nothing you can say that will shock anyone..terri

    Bookmark   September 23, 2004 at 5:52PM
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Sorry I didn't answer sooner. I don't check here often, but I am going to try harder, becasue it really helps. How sad, about your daughter but how wonderful that you have a beautiful little bit of her left to nurture and love. I am also a midlife mommy...I am close to your age and had twins two years ago. I am constantly exhausted :)

I am so soory that your son lost his only sibling. How hard that must be. I hope he is able to be close to Cole.

My neice has a much younger sister who is having a terrible time dealing with this. It's so hard to understand how and why these things happen.

The good news that I have is that Nikki's son is now in rehab and is working hard and making progress. He doesn't remember the accident or anything that happened in the first few weeks after the accident.

Again, thanks for your sweet words.


    Bookmark   October 18, 2004 at 8:53PM
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Update--Can't believe this post is still here. So hard to read it--the memories come rushing back.

But, I have good news and wanted to share it with you all. Nikki's husband is engaged to a wonderful girl he and Nikki went to church with. She is a very stable influence and has a young daughter of her own.

He needs someone to help him raise the children. He was afraid to tell us--but we are thrilled. Nikki would be happy to know that he has found someone to mother her children.

It is hard, but I am happy about this. Just wanted you all to know--since you helped me so much with this tragedy.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2005 at 10:40PM
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