Too much too soon

deb0615September 7, 2005

Hi I am Deb. Four years ago my husbabd of 23 yrs. had a mid life crisis with a co worker and is now married to her. My husband and I did everything together I not only loved him but was in love with him and he always told me the same. This co worker has already broken up a home about 20 rs. ago so she is not new to this. I had to move out of my beloved home and since my two children have been just going thur life. I had to put my dog to sleep, go thur bankrupcy and start all over. Have met a nice man but I will always love the man I married. All this and my mother became ill very ill and passed away last Christmas Eve.

Some days I feel like I am going to smother and I can't choke back my feelings. I have lost so much in 4 yrs. I never have had time to get over one thing until something else has happened. I lost my two best friends and I feel lost sometimes. I am in therapy but nothing really takes the pain away. I miss my life I had friends and neighbors I loved but since he left and I moved I have lost them. I dearly loved his family but blood is thicker than water so they say.

I try to take one day at a time some days it is hour by hour and some minuets by min. by min.

Just wanted to vent to some I think who will understand.


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Hi Deb,
You've been through a lot! You have every reason to be sick and tired of losing people and things that mattered to you.

I can't advise you on what you "should" do, but I hope that if you haven't tried medication such as an antidepressant, you will talk to your doctor about a trial. You deserve to feel better, and if you need medication (after four years, for Pete's sake!) to get there, so be it. Sometimes it takes a awhile to find the right meds for you, in the proper dosage. When you get your depression under control, you may see your "ex" in a very different light.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2005 at 8:08PM
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Hey, Deb. I'm so very sorry for all that you have been going through. These losses are tremendous losses and it is understandable that you are having great pain. They say that losing a husband or friend whom you love in other ways other than death is worse than death. The reason being that they are still alive and affect your life with things that they do. I have lost my mom a year ago and my daughter 7 years ago. I also know the pain of losing both of my best friends.
Do you have a friendly relationship with him at all? Could you remain friends with him and your neighbors? Would you prefer not to have any contact with him at all? Does he still live in your area?
I am having a hard time thinking of any advice I could give you considering that you still love him.
I don't know how involved you are with outside activities as far as hobbies etc., but I would think that you would begin to feel better if you would focus on yourself and your children. I know if must be easier said than done, though.
Have you thought about going to a grief recovery support group in your area? There are also support groups for divorced people. When my daughter was killed, I sought other people who suffered the same loss and it helped tremendously.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2005 at 10:00PM
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Deb, I am so sorry for your losses. You have every right to feel angry and sad, and I understand your mourning for your old life. I have had losses, and I have had to move when I didn't want to. It is so hurtful when you think you have such close relationships with friends but when it is not convenient to see you, they don't make the effort. I have spent years being angry about it. But I guess now, I'm in a place where I just take things day by day. Life on earth isn't forever and I try to count my blessings. I'm sorry that evil woman ruined your life but your husband must have been willing. It takes two to tango, but of course you know that. You deserve better. I hope you can let yourself have better. Be friends with who you're with - who your neighbors are now, who your work with, enjoy your children, enjoy this new person. I'm sorry that you hurt but I know you can recover. Women are strong, they have to be, and women do it all the time. You can too. Please write us back and tell us more.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2005 at 11:47PM
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23 years, and he leaves you broke?

Excuse my french- but son of a B!tch !

not being there when your mother and your puppy were dying is inexcusable (my father was sick for 5 solid months, and I called everyone. when he finally fought free of his body, the only people I called were people I'd SEEN during those months. they got to come to the funeral. everyone else got to live with their shallow 'I wish I'd known' statements- they can apologize to dad when THEY pass)

we'll leave the painted woman out of it- she's pretty much beneath comment.

but the question remains- where DO you go when you get beaten back to nothing?

Meds are a valid option, especially if the side-effects of these traumas are still causing sleep problems, or leaving you without the energy to cope with day to day stuff.

books like "Wishcraft" "Vein of Gold" and "Practical Spirituality" all offer frameworks for engaging yourself in therapy- and since you didn't mention that your therapist is an angel and you couldn't live without them, they could use some refining of their technique, and books are something that I always share with my own therapists (and I'm disinclined to practice with ones who don't hold with anyone's method but their own)

for some people, it's dancing lessons, or an art class. sometimes, volunteering helps (it certainly makes your own problems look more manageable )

you might need a kitten (dogs give unconditional love. Cats make you work for it, and encourage curiosity in the world)

maybe you just need better company- like us :)

    Bookmark   September 8, 2005 at 8:21AM
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Thank you all for the encouragement. No we can not be friendly after everything he was cruel some of the things he said were unforgivable and beyond hurtful they were evil. I do not know why he turned in to what he is now but he is not the same man. His family I tried to stay with but they just accepted her with out a problem oh I am sure they told Tom they did not approve. I took care of his granm and cleaned her behind and bathed he and healed bed sores for months, his father loved me and was a good friend he died several years ago. If they needed me I was there, they had a choice to say they would not accept her. He left May 25 and wa moved in with her by July and we weren't separated (I did not know) he kept me hanging on for months.
I have met a nice man he knows what I am dealing with, he is supportive and he is very good to me. My family likes him alot my mom especially, he was with me when she died.
You are right women are strong stronger than men. I was strong enough to take care of my mother alot during her sickness. I am a nurse so I know what she was going thur. I kept my promise, I bathed her and made her look good as possible before she died. She was on a respirator and before my father saw her when she was going I kept that promise. Bob was with me all thur it.
I am seeing a doc and am on meds changed several times. In the four years I have had to get my son off drugs, he started using when his father tip over our family. Tom knew he was using but did nothing(my son lived with them and stayed away from me because I would of known and done something) when I finally got to him he weighed 117 and 5'10. He is in school(college) now and with me doing great I am so proud.
No I am not making all this up on the stress scale I win top number. I am not sure how I deal with it. Some days I don't I have pity parties. I have started knitting and giving the afghans and things to my family and nursing homes.
Believe it or not Sept.22 I have to have a total r knee replacement. Bob is going to take care of me (bless his heart). Please put me in your thoughts.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2005 at 9:19AM
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You are in my prayers. You have gone through so very much...the knee is just another bump in the road. My husband and I have learned not to say "What ELSE could go wrong, because you don't want to know the answer. You are to be commended on helping turn your son's life around. The changes you helped him make will affect his whole very proud of yourself. I'm glad you're keeping busy. When our son and granddaughter were killed, I found that busy hands kept me going through some very rough days. That summer, I made jam (from a recipe that my little granddaughter and I made together), pickles, fruitcake and canned tomatoes...all things I'd done in the distant past. The next winter, I knit and knit, also something I'd not done in years. When my mind was whirling too fast to concentrate on reading or other mental tasks, I found that keeping my hands busy really helped keep me centered. Keep us posted on your progress, and godspeed with the knee,

    Bookmark   September 8, 2005 at 11:39AM
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