My dad passed away

mydaddysprincessSeptember 18, 2005

I am 21 years old and my dad just passed away last month on the 20th. They say he died of a stroke. I am having a really hard time dealing with it. I think about him almost constantly. My husband tells me I should try not to think about it so much, but it seems to me that now after almost a month it's gotten even harder to deal with. I have always been my "daddy's little princess" always even after I was grown and married, so he would say. He was so vary young only 52, and it was a complete shock to me, my two older brothers and my mom(although my parents had been seperated for many years they were still very close). When I say shock, I mean out of the blue, never ever expected, shock. It's really hard not wanting to put blam on anyone, but my uncle(my dads brother) was there when my dad passed and he said that my dad had been not feeling well and had been in bed all that day. He said that he had been checking on him throughout the day, but it wasn't till around 8:30pm that he started to worry. When he went in to check on him he said he had to check his pulse and see if he was breathing, he said he still had a pulse. He rolled him over( he was lying on his side, by the way my dad was quite a large man) and he said his arm was blue, he paniced, didn't know what to do, so he went to the neighbors house( which is probably about half a football field away) to see what they thought. When they got over there they called 911 right away. When we got the police report back I noticed that it said that EMS was dispatched out there at around 9:30pm(my uncle said he had went in there to check at 8:30pm)I can't help but feel angry that he wasted time on my dads life. The police report also stated that when they arrived he was dead on arrival but had JUST passed and I mean JUST PASSED. I, along with the majority of my family are strongly religious, and I do not want to hate my uncle for something that was not his fault. But, I can not help the way I feel, if someone could please help me. Thank you, Jenny

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Jenny, I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. I think your husband means well when he tells you not to think about it, but you have to think about it. That's normal. You cannot deny the grieving process. Over time, you will think about Dad less, but for now you have been through a bad shock and terrible loss, and it is on your mind a lot.

Another part of grieving is anger. Just from what you have told us, I don't think you should be angry with your uncle. It sounds like he did his best, and remember this is a terrific loss to him also. When my dad died I was mad at everyone; I thought I was the only one who cared. Years later I ran across the stack of cards I'd been sent, and I realized that actually lots of people cared. I just needed to be mad because I was so crushed by losing my father. So, if you can, put your anger towards uncle aside for a while and re-think it later.

My dad died at 69 and had been ill. A loss like yours, sudden and in a relatively young man, is something I cannot imagine. My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you posted here. Keep us up to date on how you are doing.

Best wishes.


    Bookmark   September 18, 2005 at 5:42PM
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Jenny, I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad. One of the most common components of grief is to want to put blame on someone for the death. I too, believe that your uncle did the best that he could at the time. When things like this happen, we don't always think as clearly as we would ordinarily. Even though the report said that EMS got there are 9:30, you have to consider the time that it took for your uncle to check out your dad, get over to the neighbors, them to get back, call 911 and then allow time for them to get there. I can see where it would take almost an hour. Also, remember that it may not have been right at 8:30. He said, "around 8:30 he started to worry".
I would think that your uncle is extremely upset after having to witness his brother like this and I would also imagine that even though it is unfounded, that he probably feels a lot of guilt. He is probably blaming himself more than you are blaming him. I would hope that when you feel that you can say it sincerely, that you can tell your uncle that you know he did his best. Those words will be crucial to his healing.
Again, I'm so very sorry. Please continue to visit with us here and yes, you DO need to allow yourself to think about this and sort it all out in your mind. You need time to grieve for as long as you think you need to. You will always miss your dad, but hopefully in time the bad thoughts will be replaced with loving memories of your dad when he was alive.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2005 at 11:15PM
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I know that I should not hold him at fault, and I don't completely. I know that all the things took time, I just don't understand why he couldn't have just called 911 right then instead of going nextdoor to ask what they thought. And it's not only that he didn't really seem sad hardly at all. My dad had been taking pain killers for many years because he had broken his neck around 1980 and it would still give him pain, he had become addicted to them. A couple of days later we found a whole bottle hidden in my uncles car that were my dads and I know that my dad would not have given them away thats for sure. I can promise that(my dads family has a way of trying to deal with things through alcohol and drugs). And also my dad didn't have one dollar on him and that is unexplanable, my dad always had money on him, always. I don't want to accuse him of stealing from his dead brother, but fact is he is a bum and had been there mooching off my dad for weeks, he had been staying with friends in another town and they had to tell him to leave because he was stealing from them so I wouldn't put it past him. All in all he is my uncle and I love him still and if anything like this did happen I will leave it in gods hands. What I ment when I said that my husband tells me to try not to think about it, was that I will sometimes listen to songs that remind me of him and I will look at his pictures and I will just cry so much, and he tells me that I am making myself more sad by doing that. He has been very wonderful with helping me grieve. We have a 3 year old little girl and she misses her grandpa too very much, she will upset and tell me is sad, I will ask her whats wrong and she will say "I miss pops" thats what she called him. It makes me really sad too when she tells me that. I have always been afraid of those late night calls, I would think about how I would feel if someone close to me died, I never imagened that my dad would go He had always been such a strong man. I think about it still so much almost like it's not real I mean my dad, my dad, he's not just a phone call away anymore or a two hour drive. I really appreciate all of your advice so much, it really helps alot. Thank you all so very much. God Bless

    Bookmark   September 19, 2005 at 1:39AM
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My deepest sympathies to you for your loss. The anger you are feeling toward your uncle right now is certainly normal and understandable, perhaps even justifiable. My Dad died in his living room as I was trying to administer CPR. Dad had dentures, which we had removed when he was struggling to breathe. This made it difficult for me to get a good seal for rescue breaths. He also had recently undergone bypass surgery, so I didn't try chest compressions for fear I would do more damage than good. Ever since that day I have blamed myself that Dad died. The paramedics got there quickly, but unfortunately not quick enough. Did we wait too long to call them? Would it have made a difference? I have since taken Red Cross CPR classes and am now certified. Would it have made a difference had I done this before Dad died? I ask myself these questions all the time, second guessing everything I did that day. It will be 2 years this December since Dad died and I'm still angry with myself. Take it from me, it accomplishes nothing and can make things so much worse. Dad is still gone and no amount of anger or guilt will change that.

I don't know how to tell you to forgive your uncle and put this in the past. That is going to take time and you have to grieve for your Dad before you can deal with the other issues. All I know is that I made a conscious effort to try and replace all the bad thoughts with positive ones. I made a list of everything that I could think of that happened in the aftermath of Dad's death that was good and a blessing to me and my family. Even the smallest of gestures by people I didn't know made the list. Focusing on these things and giving thanks for them helped me through the roughest times.

May God's peace be with you

    Bookmark   September 22, 2005 at 3:04PM
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Everything has been crazy, I'm sure you all heard everything about hurricane Rita, it was suppose to be really bad. Well my Mother, two brothers, sister is law, and nephew all live near Houston, TX and had to evacuate the area, well the day before they were going to leave my Mom was driving and she was hit by an eighteen wheeler. Tha car was demolished, and out of the power of our Lord in Heaven she walked out of that accident without a scratch. Only God can be thanked for that. She was driving my oldest brothers car( he had my Dad's truck). He has been really ugly to everyone since my Dad's death. I guess he's taking it really hard because before my Dad's death he had been really nasty to him, telling him things like "he was a horrible Father", ect. He told him he was sorry the last time they had talked, but he still feels really bad. But now he's being really ugly to my Mom, and it hurts her really bad, she cries every night. I really hate it, he's just like pulled his self out of the family, and is being mean to everyone. Mom thinks he's doing drugs, but I don't know. I just don't see how he can be so horrible and say the awful things that he says. It's hasn't even been a month and a half since Dad passed and if thats not hard enough to deal with and then the car accident, now him. I don't know what to say to him to make him understand that we love him so much and he needs to embrass us and not push us away. I mean yeah he lost his car, but hell thank God it was just his car, and it's not like it's not going to get paid off. Thank you all for listening to everything, sometimes I feel like what I say doesn't even make sence anymore. God Bless you all. Jennifer

    Bookmark   October 1, 2005 at 7:06PM
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sounds like your brother is one of the people who needs to make everything everyone else's fault.

but greif is a drug, as far as its effects on the mind go- and guilt is ten times stronger, especially for men.

my brother's working through that karma at the moment- didn't speak to my dad for 5 years before he died, was even at the house the weekend before he passed, and couldn't drive the extra 4 miles to the hospital. no one was expecting him at the funeral, and when he did show up, no one had much to say to him (except my 80 year old aunt bernice, who wanted to break her cane over his thick skull)

the best thing to do is leave him be, honestly- mom should be having more important things to think about than one bratty son who needs to deal with his own issues...

and if he's got dad's truck, he'll be ok until the insurance money comes through.

you, by the way, make plenty of sense. more than most. you're just living in a totally insane situation, so a bit of irrationality is to be expected.

hug your mom for all of us, eh?

    Bookmark   October 3, 2005 at 3:43PM
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Thank you chinacat and everyone else too. You guys are so great here, I feel so much better since I started talking on here. I have told everyone about this forum. Everyone is so nice here, I feel like I can finaly breath again. I wish so bad that I knew my Dad was sick so that I could have takin the two hour drive up there to spend time with him and let him know how much I loved him and that he was a good Father. It's all really crazy, he was taking the same pain killers for probably about, i'm not sure i'm gonna say at least 6 years, and the strange thing is his doctors had just switched him to a new pain medication. He started taking them just four days before his death. Alot of people tell us that they can't just take you off of something you have been taking for so long, and to just put you an something else is crazy. I don't know i'm not a doctor. I just wish I could rewind everything, I know that it was not my fathers time to go. But throughout everything I have learned not to take life for granted and appreciate everything and everyone, I wish my brother could realize that. I want to ask anyone out there that is religiousto please just pray for him please, his name is Sam Jr. he's always been such a good person always went out of his way to help others. I love him so much and I just want him to feel peace in his heart. Thank you so much. God Bless you all, Jennifer

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 5:13AM
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my dad passed, he came home from work to find my unemployed brother sitting on the couch, so he went out to mow the lawn in the florida heat. at 64 years he just gave up. i now have a son that bears his name but its not enough, as much joy as i get from him, the emptiness is crushing me, i know i will miss him for the rest of my life

    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 10:50AM
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Dear alwayslost, please accept my condolences on the death of you father. Why don't you start a new thread, many of us would like to talk to you. God bless you in your grieving.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 10:24PM
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