Grandson's death

junemnSeptember 19, 2005

I've been lurking for a while until I could talk about this. It's been just a month since my grandson took his own life. He was only 20. I miss him so much. He did it in our home which makes it all the harder to have to live here. The memory of finding him just won't go away. When it gets dark in the evening I have a hard time with the images in my brain. I'm afraid to walk around the house unless it's well lit. He's on my mind constantly. Will the pain ever go away? I know I should remember the good times but it's so darn hard right now.

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lulie___wayne

Gosh! I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can only imagine what you are dealing with having lost your precious grandson in such a tragic manner and then having to be the one to find him in your home makes it worse.
The only advice that I can try to offer now is the same that I offer others who are grieving. I continue to say that if you are a Christian, as hard as it is sometimes, try to hold on to your faith and know that you will be together again. Remember that the things of this life will not matter in the end. Each time you get an awful image in your head, IMMEDIATELY shift your thoughts to a happier time. Don't allow the horror of the event to haunt you. If you continue to do this, the image will eventually fade in your mind.
Again, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Please continue to visit with us.
Lu

    Bookmark   September 19, 2005 at 5:46PM
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socks

June, I'm so sorry about your grandson. Your heart just aches, missing him so much. The healing process after such a tragedy is painfully slow. As someone said in another forum, you just take it day at a time. I find staying busy helps and notice a definite drop in my spirits if I don't keep busy. But I do allow myself a certain amount of time to feel sad too.

I'm sorry the evenings are so difficult. Now with the daylight hours getting shorter, that doesn't help either, does it? Can you plan little projects in the evening? Call a friend, sew, rent a good movie, go to dinner with a buddy?

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2005 at 8:43PM
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alisande

Oh, June, how dreadful. I hope you will seek out a grief counselor, particularly one who is trained in Eye Movement Densensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This technique helped me deal with unwelcome images after I found my daughter in her bed four years ago.

I hope this helps you.

Susan

    Bookmark   September 20, 2005 at 9:03AM
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chinacat_sunflower

go away?

honestly? no. not when something like that happens.

but we learn to live with it to carry it like we do the weight of our experiences.

I know- 23 years later, I still carry a matched set of scars myself, have stopped a few people, have helped a few people, volunteered at hospices, hosted wakes both wild and calm...

and not even I will ever know if something saved me in this life- or if I died, and was taken, only to live the life intended for me again until I solved the puzzle, and came to cherish this world.

every case is different, and none of them are simple.

one of the few constants is this-
light is the only cure for darkness- and the deeper the darkness, the more of an effect even the smallest amount of light makes.

trauma generates energy that can seep into a room or a house- and very often, I think that the f'ashes we get are flares of that energy.

candle flame and coarse salt are the oldest tools for dispersing these poisons. (I have even used the chunks from the water softener in a pinch.)

a bowl of salt with a votive in the middle, and the repetition 'I'm sorry you had to go, I hope this lights your way from here'

may help.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2005 at 3:15PM
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junemn

Thanks, I'll try the salt and candle. As a matter of fact he died in the room I'm in now with my computer. I need to feel at peace in this room so I can feel okay in my house. It's really hard when my daughter no longer feels comfortable to visit us because of what happened. I hope that will change soon.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2005 at 9:20AM
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lulie___wayne

I hope so too, June. That must be so hard.
Lu

    Bookmark   September 28, 2005 at 12:23AM
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chinacat_sunflower

your daughter is going to have a hell of a time dealing with it, I'm sure-

it's hard with a person who'd been struggling. it's sometimes harder with a person who didn't LOOK like they were struggling.

and because it isn't a rational situation, there is rarely a rational response to things...everything is conflicted and complicated and tends to turn in spirals. anger, fear, guilt, love, blame, jealousy, all get mixed in to it.

I can offer this, though...

dante was wrong, and even in the case of the most devout, imaginative, lunatic fringe devotee of brimstone and fire...the only punishment visited on the suicide is to be sat down, and have all the missed opportunities in their life pointed out, one by one. and all the love and beauty that they could not see laid out before them.

it hurts like pouring bleach over ivy poison, but there isn't any of the nonsense that some religions have found so useful for scaring their flocks.

you might want to clean the room. take things you can outside, and leave them open to the sun and the wind for a bit. wash the walls down (again, a bit of rough salt in the water helps attract old energies) and maybe paint, or rearrange the furnishings. add a little table in a corner for a memorial.

and let yourself dream of him, healed. beyond the reach of your arms, but healed.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2005 at 9:57AM
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junemn

I don't know if you realize it, Chinacat, but you have brought me a lot of comfort. I did talk to my daughter and she understands that there can be some negative energy left in the house and what has to be done. Because of the way he died the room did have to be redone. Thank goodness our insurance took care of everything and we were not even allowed in the house for a week until it was all done. I try to remember the good times and they were so many. He spent every other weekend with us so that's a lot of good times. Funny thing is that talking about him to some people makes them uncomfortable. I try to be very honest about how he died and maybe that's the problem.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2005 at 9:27AM
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evatx

June, I can't tell you how sorry I am about your grandson! I'm glad that you've found some comfort here.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2005 at 6:22PM
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tjmondragon

june, I am so sorry for your loss.I know we have two different situations. my husband did not pass away in the house and it was still very hard for me to sleep in my room it was just to hard. I slept on my couch up until 2 weeks ago.i changed my room completely . I made it angels.i painted it, put angel boarders, got a new bed, new blankets,and have angels figurines all around the room.You would not believe how different I felt.it was not our room anymore so I could go in there.I still cry everynight but at least I can sleep in a bed. I think you should try that and see if it makes it any better.good luck and you are in my thoughts. tracy

    Bookmark   October 1, 2005 at 4:42AM
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chinacat_sunflower

june:)
thanks. poppa would be pleased- it's all his fault, really. he raised me this way, and brought me up around people who lived real lives, and died real deaths.

and yes- it's incredibly hard for most people to talk about even as an abstract, it's even worse when there's a real person involved. it raises strong emotion in people, and I'm surprised you haven't had to deal with one of those stinging slaps in the face from some idiot who's just got to rub their beliefs in.

the fact that they're utterly full of crap doesn't make their nonsense any easier to listen to, that's for sure.

I'm glad there was someone to take care of the room for you-and I'm really glad that your daughter is talking with you about this. one of my very favorite authors, a cat named Spider Robinson put it this way...

Joy shared is increased.
pain shared is lessened.

sometimes, it's the only help we're gonna get.

good luck with things

    Bookmark   October 3, 2005 at 3:57PM
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junemn

I'm a little worried about my daughter. She wants every bit of information about his death. The autopsy, and all the info that the investigators recorded. I guess that's her way of finding out what happened. I'm still searching around the house for maybe something he left behind for us to find. When I found the CD he left me in my quilting room I thought maybe there was something else. I spent the weekend with my sisters and it was a big help. Would you believe they both lost young sons, one to a traffic accident and one to drowning? They can understand my feelings about wanting to talk.

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 9:57AM
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yborgal

You couldn't have stopped him, only postponed his decision. It's not your fault, nor it is his mother's fault. Don't stop talking about him. If people feel uncomfortable bringing his name up it's only because they think it will stir up memories and make you sad. They don't realize the memories and thoughts are active in your mind and heart 24 hrs a day. As long as people speak of your grandson and laugh as well as cry at the memories, he will not be completely gone and a part of him will live on. It's only when no one speaks of him that he will truly be be dead. His mother wants the details; share them with her. You've been able to endure the reality. Give her the chance to do the same. No matter how painful the truth is,she has to feel it before she can start to heal.
God bless you all.

    Bookmark   October 18, 2005 at 10:38AM
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gloriam

June, when my Grandson was killed in a car accident my
daughter wanted to know everything to, just like your
daughter. She even had to see the car that was all smashed
up. I could not see it. I think it is there way of coming
to grips with the death. She still after 2 years takes care
of the wreck site.

    Bookmark   October 19, 2005 at 8:33PM
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grandy117a

June,
My grandson comitted suicide on Oct.10,2005.
We are all still grieving for him. You never forget him but some of the pain has eased.

My grandaughter, his sister has made a site for him on the internet.It does help to know that he is not forgotten.

    Bookmark   February 8, 2007 at 4:27PM
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grandy117a

His web site is Michael Ladue (1981-2005)

    Bookmark   February 8, 2007 at 10:29PM
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